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 Nov 2019 D
scully
What a rotten time to fall in love.
When I'm on the brink of tragedy,
On the edge of something so insurmountable that
I can't even contain it in both outstretched, weak, aching arms.
When I'm so close to the capstone of calamity that I can taste
The wreck on my tongue as it rains down my face.
I'm a goner.
The cataclysm that all good poetry is known for-
I am drowning on the words before they reach you-
I asphyxiate on the dark after you fall asleep.
Steady, lulled into a composition of notes and gasps.
I wonder if you know what I'm thinking about
When you wrap your hand around my throat.
I want to be the kind of person that your love deserves.
I just want to be the kind of person who isn't dripping with
Grief.
I'll find a sermon in every word you speak,
I'll chant it like prayer,
With my hands clasped to my chest in some
Frenzied, violent attempt to swear to God.
There is no reply.
Just your hand on my skin-
Less like touch and more like collision.
Please, stay. I'm begging now. I'm on my knees.
How do I look?
Do I look as pathetic as I feel?
I sink into the sadness but you're still holding my hand.
I don't speak, I overflow.
I don't love, I anesthetize.
I am destroying myself and you won't turn your head away.
Like a car crash. Like a collision. Like your hand around my throat.
I am paralyzed with a fear that God can't hear me.
"I love you" and I suffocate on the silence.
"I love you" and I choke on the apology that follows.
"I love you" and I am so sorry.
“I love you, too.” and I take my first breath.
ouch this is a really good depiction of how I feel right now and reading it hurts.
 Nov 2019 D
Jack Jenkins
I'm sitting here trying to write how I feel and yet I cannot find the words or letters that speak in the right order,

I talked with a friend who said that I was growing, but I had to be honest and tell him that what I was feeling was not growth, but a rearrangement of myself; so the holes don't show what I have lost...

We don't grow; we just change and get smaller,

Or maybe that's just me,

I feel like I've become so small that I cannot even lift the blankets off of me when I wake up;

I was wild with love in my youth, but as I age and my body rejects me like my mind rejected my heart, I have to confess; I didn't have a clue how to love someone, and I still don't;

I do know I'm scared of it, though,

Scared of love,

Because I gave those parts of me away for a reason, the ones I so desperately rearrange to keep hidden;

And if someone else tried to fill those hollow parts of my heart, I know,

They would never really feel at home.
//On love. On her. On me.//
 Nov 2019 D
alex
swallow this feeling
so it becomes a pit in my stomach
instead of an ache in my heart
so much of my time
is spent feeling ashamed
so incredibly regretful
about just being who i am
i see no worth in me
i bring nothing forth
i don’t deserve what i’ve been given
i don’t even deserve what i’ve fought for
and the saddest part
is that i don’t even feel sad about it
it isn’t even ripping me to pieces
i don’t even want to die
i just want it to stop
being so true
srk and consequences. i don’t know if i’m okay, but i truly feel no inclination to die or to stop doing anything that i’m doing. this is depression at its most mediocre. i don’t know how to properly perceive myself, so i never know what i actually deserve. i only see my flaws, and i want to believe it’s bias, but i can’t think of any accomplishment of mine recently. i need to see a therapist.
 Nov 2019 D
alex
cards on the table
 Nov 2019 D
alex
it's a bad bet,
a silly gamble,
a poor chance,
a sick game,
an unfortunate guess,
a misplaced trust,
yes, it's a bad bet,
betting on me.
don't take a chance on me; my luck will run out, and we'll all be sorry.
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