we've sent six texts to each other
since I purged my heart to you last night
one of them was a genuine apology,
and one was a faked acceptance

it doesn't matter how many times I apologize
because no matter how hard I try to act differently,
I knew the moment that the liquor touched my lips
that I would confess something to you that I would later regret

if I can't get to the bottle,
or get a quicker fix
made of white powder
crushed from an innocent little pill,
I feel hollow

it's as if there isn't blood in my veins,
or a heart in my chest
but sometimes it's comforting,
feeling like an empty shell
because it feels like nothing could get any worse

*** and love
are not synonyms
I didn't fall in love with you
because you touched me
I fell in love with you
because you made flowers grow
inside of me
when no one else could

h.a

THE BLACK WAVES ARE CRASHING AGAINST MY SOUL AGAIN I PICKED UP THE BOTTLE AND DRAGGED THE THIN PIECE OF METAL AGAINST MY WRIST I CAN'T FACE THE DAY WITHOUT THIS LITTLE WHITE PILL I HAVEN'T EATEN IN SIX DAYS I NEED YOU TO TELL ME I'M NOT DYING BECAUSE I'M BEING CRUSHED BY MY THOUGHTS

can you see
the ocean that rages beneath my skin?

constantly churning and crashing against my consciousness,
waiting for me to slip up
so it can pull me under and drown me in it's inky folds

can you see
the monster that lives in that ocean?

sneaking up on me in the middle of the night,
squeezing every ounce of happiness out of me
with tentacles that are black as pitch

can you see
the small, bright fish showing through the dark?

those are my thoughts of you
and they're the only thing keeping me afloat

I wonder what
a train horn sounds like
when you're standing
right in front of it

don't tell me you love me
when you mean to say
you're going to rip my heart
right out of my chest,
and crush it right in front of me

don't say that you care
if at sight of my scars,
you decide
that you can't handle me
and that you need to leave

tell me the truth,
that I'm not worth it
and that I don't mean enough to you
for you to remain
here with me

                                                                   h.a