but it's okay.

let me handle this sadness by listening to sad records
and wishing in vain that i was anywhere else but here

because sometimes i get out of this misery
by drowning in more of it

how do you get over something
that never happened,
but felt so real?

am i crazy and just imagining things,
or is there something here?

maybe quit trying to make me hang on,
because the higher this goes,
the harder the fall

God.

i feel so alone.

but the truth is
i never wanted to be alone

i just wanted to get away
from those who don't understand
whatever the hell is going on
inside of my soul

because there's so much conflict
and thoughts wrestling inside
of my brain;

i don't need to be around someone
who doesn't understand it

so, i guess, i chose solitude
if you can even really call it that

i'm stuck in a cage made out of
my own fears
whether they be fiction or real

(who knows the difference
between them nowadays
anyway?)

and now i'm just learning to try again
because all i've been doing is
giving up on myself and everyone else.

but then

you meet someone who understands you
you don't even have to try to convey your thoughts with words
because he already gets it
he already could feel the lightning in your chest
and the shadows that creep in the depths of your mind
without having to try

the little sparks you feel in your soul when he speaks
like a calm whisper
a soft breeze
a gentle touch on my skin

how easily he could unravel me without even trying
how easily my walls come crashing down when i'm around him

a growing flame inside my chest
giving light to this darkness

a warmth i didn't think i could feel again
that not even my doubtful heart could resist to believe in

how easily he could devour me in the most beautiful way
how easily he could reach inside the depths of my soul
when i had thought that nobody, not even the rain, could have done so

(sometimes what you think is real
is only just in your head)

maybe this is a dream
but why would I ever want this?

(sometimes I wish I could stop the thoughts tumbling through and through in my head
because this fear and uncertainty
got a hold of me again)

I can see a path paved for me, I think,
but I don't like how lonely it looks from here

I hope I'm just too far away to see...

it scares me how lonely i can be
how i will do anything, anything, anything
just to feel affection
just to feel like i belong
to feel like i am worthy of love

because lately i have been bleeding and needing You
but i look for love in all the wrong places

my heart is stitched on my sleeve
but nobody ever looks at me
i want to shine brighter than the sun
but my fears dim my light into a mere shadow

i'm sick of wanting
of desiring something that cannot be

is this it for me?
is this all?
why has life been so cruel?

give me a love that i can’t explain

a love that destroys superficiality

a love that proves it’s real and genuine despite every hard circumstance that tries to threaten it

more than just a pretty face or convenience,
give me something difficult to grab a hold of, but so worthy
that i would want nothing else but to fight for it
until i finally have it

something that would make others say,
“why not just give that one up
and reach for something else, something easier?”

to which i will answer,
“i can’t, i’ve tried,
and my heart simply cannot desire anything else
this is something too beautiful
and i know that beautiful things take time
i can wait, but i can’t afford to settle.”

and it is true; i can’t afford to settle
just because this is easier,
this is closer within my grasp,
does not mean my heart should choose it
i can’t, you know, i’ve tried–
but my soul cries and wails within me
perhaps it understands something my mind simply cannot

give me a love that will break barriers and tear down walls

give me a love so wide
it will overcome miles and miles and miles

a love so deep
it will overwhelm the oceans separating him and i

sometimes
we go through our pilgrimage
and everything feels like a desert.

we try to eat
and drink up,
and nothing,
like nothing is shifting or moving or changing
even a little bit

we grow discouraged
and even question it
dig our nails in the dirt in frustration
but we go on anyway

we read His word,
clinging to every sentence,
every phrase,
every word
like a starved man eating every bit of morsel

we pray even though our words are awkward and all jumbled up
and we don’t even know what to say
and we struggle against our flesh
with all our Spirit-empowered might
and believe that He will come
and break through the darkness…

because there is no darkness in Him.
we are encompassed by His righteousness and light.

we tread through this fallen world
and experience much suffering and sorrow and pain,
but just as He’s promised,
all is light and momentary and every affliction
He is using for His good purpose.

forgive us for chasing after comfort
and pursuing selfishness
and forsaking our brethren
and pouring out our worship
towards things that are useless and vain.

forgive us for turning to our idols,
for our pathetic band-aid solutions
towards problems that have been birthed by our sins.

we drink cheap entertainment
and adore the buzz it creates in our heads
because they drown out the heavy silence
and the emptiness.
but nothing fills.

think of your iniquities,
how seemingly insurmountable are they?
and yet, Christ’s mercies are stronger still.

sometimes
there are days where this becomes so increasingly real,
beating like a gong inside my head:
I am at His mercy.
and it is a good thing, because it is true,
and if He were not gracious enough to open my eyes to the gospel
I’d still be a rebel
spitting on the face of God.

and nothing else quite like that
shakes me
to my
core.