i treat people as they treat me

yet lately i have realized

that i do not do this

no

in fact i treat others
with much more respect
tenderness
love
care
appreciation

then they have ever given to me

if they were to fall
you could bet i would
be there to pick them up
tend to their wounds
heal their broken hearts
wipe away their salty tears

but for me?
rarely has anyone ever
been there in hard times
and stayed for the after party

or let me cry
while they hold me close
and not expect ***
to follow

or keep me around
because i boost their ego
with all my compliments
and sweet nothings
i whisper into texts
that i send just because

where men i dated
come and go like the wind
"oh no she has emotions!"
i've cried more over heartache
than of joy
in relationships with the opposite ***

i'm 27 and yet my social resume
is that of a 16 year old

my closest friendship
dissolved into nothingness
only 2 weeks ago
my heart completely shaken
to its core
my heart utterly broken
into more pieces than its ever been

but when i look back now
from this side of the window
i look in and see how
in love i was with her
and how not so in love
she was with me

and with this
i look to my other friendships
hoping someone will hold out their hand
and pull me close
and whisper soothing words
and let me cry the hardest i ever have
to accept me in this shattering
heart wrenching moment

to find that not one
did
any
of
those
things.

things i wouldn't ever question
to do
for them

so i take back
my love
respect
kindness
helpfulness
tenderness
support
care

and absorb it back
into me
where it belongs
and where it is
appreciated
and adored

i am a lover
my heart lives on my sleeve
i bare my soul to find
a person who can also
do the same
and not flinch
at the sight of a
passionately emotional
human being
who isn't numb
or afraid
to feel

You are not stuck.
Have you not woken this morning to a new day?
Your mind thrives on each new thought.
You are born an idea of hope
gifted to this world,
with guidance
and the freedom
to choose who you are.
                    
Who you will follow
        Who you will lead.

You are not stuck.

You are building everything
that you were meant to be.

You are that first gasp of air,
the relief in resuscitation.
The only reason I’d ever dream
of breaking the surface.

Eyes to the sun, drifting
towards settled land.
I’m breathing on my own now 
but you don’t seem to care.

Backs to the water,  
float arms out to the heavens.  
This is the first of few days
I haven’t thought about drowning.

Like a curtain my straightened hair hides

me in its second act

Covering the understudy

set to take my place.

A performance of me, who is not me,

body dressed up and acting.

In the pews,

Ma, and Pop, waiting to be proud

accomplishments I claim, but reject.

Afraid I didn’t earn

how I am seen to a crowd.

My hair curls to

humidity that

chases a curtain call.

I bend at the spine with a smile

They said the warm weather
and good vibes would
save the frigid /
inconsolable / lost
cause

want for a new life.

We are still cold and lonely.
We are still searching for heat.

Your one smile drives my worries away,
a constant companion when I was little, I miss you every day.

Your voice - kind and soothing, - flows like a river of gold,
and hearing you sing never gets old!

I don't know if I've ever told you how much you mean to me,
how, even the mere thought of seeing you fills me with glee.

This, is an accolade,
an accolade to the best sister the universe has ever made.