I met her in Cameron Park
I don't remember her name
but i call her Padma
(padma is the sacret lotus)
she was a little asian girl
about 9 years old
her mother was going
to the food co-op
and she let padma stay
with me in the park
we shared a sandwich
she probably shouldn't have
accepted food from strangers
but I guess by that point
we weren't strangers
we fed the pigeons and a squirrel
she told me she was going
to dance lessons later that day
she showed all the moves
in very french sounding names
she loved dancing
and she was great at it
we talked about God
funny thing to talk about
with a 9-year old
but whe was eager to tell me
about the Buddha
I told her I liked Buddha too
but that I didnt't
believe in God
she ******* believe
that I didn't belive in God
but she said that
some day I would see
"look at the sun" she said
"look at the tree"
"look at the pigeons"
"their feathers"
"is that not the work of God?"
I could not disagree
and I didn't have the heart
to say
"lool at that homeless guy"
"look at the front page of the paper"
"drugs"
"war"
"****"
"******"
I didn't have the heart to tarnish
her heart of gold

My favorite room is damp and dimly lit
Smells of mildew with cobwebs in corners
Puddles on floor, plaster falls from above
It is full of monsters
My favorite room is filled with maniacal laughter
It reeks of repressed anger and bottled rage
Yelps and screams bounce from wall to wall
It is full of monsters
My favorite room is a fortress
A tangle of bricks and mortar
The windows are boarded up
It is full of monsters
My favorite room is uncomfortable
Inviting only the uninvited
Pictures hang precariously
It is full of monsters
Sitting in my favorite room means wallowing in shame
being racked with guilt
it's a place I abuse myself
a place I'm familiar with
My favorite room is all mine
It is full of monsters
My favorite room will always be there
with a chair built for me
restraints if needed
My favorite room was made for me
and it is full of monsters

of all things to do on a rainy day
you dig a friends grave with bare hands
until hands are bloodied
and nails are splintered
not stopping
accepting the pain
tossing hand-fulls of dirt over shoulder
one by one
each a memory
gazing up at a purple sky
blinded by rain
never closing your eyes
continuing to claw away
tears replacing raindrops
you try to sing
but nothing comes out
and you bury the song
and you try to bury the memories
but you cannot dig deep enough
you try but you begin to tire
****** hands together over head
you begin to pray
to a god you don't believe in
but desperately search for
you begin to dig again
searching for release
you hear others crying
they are not down in a hole
with hands turned claws
there is no dirt under their nails
they are not bleeding
they brought umbrellas and flowers
and dressed in black
you dressed in white and brought no flowers
only blood and tears
this is the debt that must be paid
you want to pay it alone
this was supposed to be your day
your act of piety
you are selfish
you keep on digging
deeper
reaching stone
and then it's over
you can go no further
exhausted, bloodied, and soiled
you emerge from the grave
grabbing an umbrella
you smile
and walk away
red-handed

I fall apart
and they put me in a hospital
piece me togetherand
take my temp
they draw blood  
inquire about my bowel movements
draw more blood
do more tests
Some hot shot doctor comes
speaks in tongues
Something about metabolic acidosis
My kidneys are not functioning well
My liver is not in the best shape
An idiot could have told me that
The problem is not in my abdomen
The problem is in my head
In my brain
In my mind
do more tests I cannot pay for
tell me something else I already know
transfer me to the psych ward
give me my own room  
feed me more than I can eat
fatten me up
speak to me in low soft tones
I will startle
ask me questions for which
I have no answers
adjust my meds
try something new  
get the same result
refuse to give me the one drug
that I know works wonders
The one that calms me down
The one that shuts off all the noise
I don't want it anyway
Drugs cannot fix me
Doctors cannot fix me
Thanks for trying
I can fix me
If I want to

I finally did it today
Even though every bone of my body was screaming at me
Don't do it! Don't do it!
I did it anyway
It was just as bad as I imagined it would be
All the bad **** I thought would happen happened
I got all sweaty
I nearly ****** my pants
I couldn't speak
I choaked on my own spit
I fell apart
It was horrible
But it was incredibly easy
So easy to fall to pieces
So easy to cease to exist
So easy to break
I enjoyed it
Too much maybe
I'll probably do it all again tomorrow
I've been so lonely
It's all I can think about doing when I am alone
When it gets quiet
Nobody is watching me but myself
I fall apart
Loving it
Feeling a little less lonely for a bit
Almost ******* my pants
Sweating
Looking aroung and seeing nobody
Nobody but me
Talking to myself
Telling myself
Don't do it
Don't do it

I once shared a room for a week with Jesus
He smoked Marlboros and enjoyed beef jerky
People called him Zach
But he was Jesus to me
He heard voices and paced the rug all day
He was ******* the rug
He was ******* me
When we smoked he would pace
back and forth in the snow making a path,
telling me that he was jesus
and that I had an evil laugh
He once told a girl to stop farting in his pacing space
I thought that was the funniest thing I ever heard
There were times that Jesus made me nervous
He would get an evil look on his face
and then he would smile
and tell me the world was going to end
He talked alot about the world ending
and what needed to be saved
I was on top of that list
I told him I didn't need to be saved
and that I didn't believe in God
It hurt him to know I didn't believe in his father
He was an interesting character
He had a drug problem and was schizophrenic
I have a drug and alcohol problem and I'm crazy
Together, we could save the world
He was a conservative and I, a liberal
Our politics clashed
but we didn't clash
Jesus and i got along just fine
I would tell him he was a fool
for blaming the worlds ills on liberals
He would smile and tell me I was the devil
Together we would laugh
We disagreed on most everything
We disagreed with smiles
One day I left in an ambulance
Jesus paced in his usual spot in the day room
I could see him smiling
As if to say "I told you so"
As if to say "Everything will be okay"
After a few days I was released from the hospital
I often spent time wandering the streets
One day I met a man out for a stroll with a cigarette
It was Jesus
He looked so glad to see me
He said hello and called me Mike
I said Hi and called him Zach
We must have been using code names
His secret was not yet known
As I passed him we both turned around and smiled
We both knew things had changed
We knew we had to go our separate ways
We did, but halfway down the block I turned
to catch one more look at the son of God
I still think of Jesus on a regular basis
I should have had more time for him
But I have a feeling he's doing just fine
And I smile when I think about Jesus,
somewhere out there saving the world