I know I shouldn’t love you.
But I do.
I want to trace every inch of your skin with my fingertips.
Wrap around you tight.
Like a serpent.
Wishing I was all that’s in your head.
You’re in mine.
Like a song on repeat.
Over and over I play you.
Your stupid smile and your stupid stare.
The way you brush by me and your stupid ******* hair.
You drive me crazy.
And I wish you didn’t.
God I wish you would just disappear.
But the problem is I wish the opposite.  
I wish you were here.
It would just make everything easier.
But those few seconds of my heart racing.
And my mind flooding.
Would fly away along with you.
And I ******* crave it.
Like a cigarette in the morning.
I crave you.
Like a bad habit.

Sometimes I write, just to breathe.
Because my heart rules my head
And I'm so ******* tired.
Blood colored red. Hate in my heart, love on my brain. I cannot escape this crippling pain.
Someone help me, for I am sin. I cannot escape this darkness within.

My hands are numb and so is my heart.
Every breath of air I take into my chest hurts.
In and out its like running a 5k marathon.
My stomach twists and turns.
My head fluttered with racing thoughts.
Tears filling up in my eyes like a bathtub.
Body aches.
Laying in the bed straight staring aimlessly at the ceiling. Quiet and numb. I can't feel anything.
Nothing at all.
I want to scream
I want to cry out
But nobody will listen
Nobody understands this deep dark twisted pain.
On replay everyday for my enjoyment.
Maybe one day I'll wake up,
And I won't be depressed.
Probably not.

I can't breathe, my chest hurts.
I can't cry there is no tears.
Knees hit the ground hard.
Bruises inside and out.
Hands around my head.
Voices in my ears.
Words on replay.
Over and over.
Stop.
******* stop.
I can't breathe.
Scream.

I could trace your pains on your face
Your sunken cheek bones
blood shot eyes
Shadowed bags.
And to yet I still look into your deep gem green and see nothing but perfection.
The most handsome man to ever cross my path.
I am mesmerized by you.
Tranced.
You curve the outlines of my heart with your touch.
I could hold your hand forever
You are all I want
And all I'll need
You.

December was an awful month.
Obnoxious Christmas music
Trees dead
Entitled children
Slay bells ringing blah, blah
*******, *******.
I get out of my car
And my eyes meet yours
And within that moment and every single entire moment after.
December became my favorite month.
December  Is what brought me to you.
December let me look into your green eyes.
December helped me fall in love.
December intrusted me hope.
Now  I sing in the winter.
And I don't hate December anymore.
Because December gave me you.

My eyes cold and grey
Gaze deep in your flecks of green.
You flow color into me.
A smile on my face.
Red on my cheeks.
Hands intertwined tight.
Life or death.
Never letting go.
Fluttering in my chest.
Tears in my eyes.
Fullness in my soul.
Exploring the inner workings.
Of your ever so beautiful heart.
I can't let go.
Oh god I'll never let go.
Arms around me as we drift asleep.
My mind constantly buzzing while
your away.
At complete ease when you are near
Don't leave.
Oh god don't you dare ever leave.
I'll never let go of your hand.
Forever and Always.

Every bone in my body aches.
Dark thoughts flood my mind.
Caressing my brain.
With suicidal thoughts.
Never ending mood swings.
Destruction.
Mutilation.
Trails of blood from the sink.
Tear filled memories.
End it all for me.
Pull the trigger.
Let me be.

Whispering noise in my ears
Like little kisses on my forehead
Comforting and addicting
Wrap my cigarette around my lips
Inhale my toxic waste
I am your wonderland
I want to taste you
Sweet like honeysuckle
Bodies rocking
Beds breaking
Obliterating reality into euphoria
Traveling through time and space
Colors moving rapidly
At two a.m. In your bedroom
Undercover
Locked doors

And when that blade hits my soft skin.
Are when the tears from my eyes stop falling.
The screams from my lungs come to a silence.
My steady heartbeat comes to a slow halt.

Tell everyone its not their fault.
I loved them more then they could ever know.
Tell them that my head did it.
That it was all ****** up on the inside.
Yell to them that I had lost to myself.
And that it was okay.

And at my funeral.
Don't let people hate me for this.
or feel sorry.
I made this choice to leave.
Not for the selfishness that everyone thinks.
I walked away from the pain.
The pain within myself and the pain that I inflicted on others.
From the pain of the world and every sad set of eyes in it.

I suppose there is always the "brighter side" but what if it was all a lie?
Simple words to make people feel secure.
Everything is repetitive and you will do everything you hate.
Until the things that surround you drain you.
And you slowly but surely die.

I broke the mold.
I didn't want the things I hated make me die.
I didn't want to rot away.
I wanted to explode like a dying star.

So with you I leave my last and final wish.
If you happen to have something.
That makes your heart fill with light.
Never let it go and if you have no choice.
Don't let the aftermath consume you.
Nip it at the bud.

And when you raise that bottle to your worn, warped lips.
Do you see me?
And when your so ******* drunk you stumble and crumble to the floor.
Stop.
Do you see me?
When your vision blurs and your brain abducts your memories.
Do you still ******* see me?
At the end of the hallway scared half to death.
Blanket griped in my hand, tear filled eyes.
Do you see me there.
Do you see me through my heart break, Do you see me grow up and graduate, start smoking working a ******* minimum wage job trying to get my **** together when in reality I am falling apart because of you.
Do you ******* see
That the damage you do to yourself is damaging me.
All that poison that you inject into your blood stream turns into a tornado, breaking doors and beating wives. Your own flesh and blood becoming so ******* disgusted. They can't even look you in the eye?
You know who you don't see anymore
Do you know?
Under all that memory loss, Do you ******* remember?
You won't see, Oh you will not ******* see.
Me.

Fist to the wall.
I had to fall.
I couldn't withstand the wounds
It could of killed me every moon
The thought of you walking out that door.
My body lost balance, hit the floor.
How dare you walk away?
All I needed you to ******* do was stay.
But you always wanted to play
Now you need to pay.
Gun in my hand, hurt in my heart.
This is an awful way to start.
I needed you to see.
That there was nothing more to me.
Then you.

It's that numb kind of sad.
The one that doesn't let you cry.
It wallows in your heart,
And withers your hope like dead trees

It's that crazy kind of sad.
The kind you can't escape.
No matter how hard you try.
It consumes your mind.
Causing insanity to arise.

It's that deep kind of sad.
That carves wounds into your chest,
And has you gasping for air.
Turning your stomach.
Making you shake.

It's the worst kind of sad.
It never waits.
Fast like poison.
Infects you in the worst ways.

You kissed all my little wounds.
Held all the little pieces.
Watched me fall apart.
Cigarette in hand.
Water in my eyes.
Dispare in my heart.
But through it all, you saw me.
Saw every flaw.
All my broken self.
Looked into my eyes.
And loved me anyway.

I stumbled into you.
On that one day in the fall.
The leaves were crisp as they crunched
behind my feet as I walked with you.
The air was cool and fresh.
Yet not freezing and uncomfortable.
Pulled me close to you.
Under this tall orange and yellow tree.
Whispering to me in my ear.
Taking my face into your hands
Devouring my heart with your eyes.
Pouring yourself into me with this kiss.
I fall apart as I start to cry.
No one has ever touched me.
Not in the way you have.
With every word and taste
You have corrupted my calm mind,
shaken up my whole world.
And yet I couldn't be happier
To have you by my side.

Who is the masked man standing behind me.
Lurking as I turn the corner.
I can't scream, I can't shout.
As my shirt buttons hit the floor.
Rotting my insides to the core.
My abdomen painted with your sin.
As you leave me in the alley.
Gasping for air and praying to god.
That I don't **** myself for this.
My body hidden in the mist.
Two a.m. And no one hears my tears.
Until I am discovered by open ears.
I can never forget and I can never forgive.
I can't heal this pain for as long as I live.

In that single moment, that girl who was only thirteen years old.
That poor girl who felt so worthless.
She couldn't eat, She couldn't sleep.
The tears couldn't stop hitting the floor.
And the darkness was begging for more,
Much more misery.
Stumbled into the bathroom.
Sprawled on the floor.
Dragging that blade across her skin.
The blood grows thick.
The pain begins,
Not from the physical wound.
But from the hopelessness the girl had.
For she had felt completely alone.
Isolated in her own home.
She grabs her chest and moans in agony
Thinking of the next catastrophe
In her ever so toxic life.
The cuts begin to dry.
And so do her eyes.
That girl is now nineteen years old.
She has learned that life is so much more.
Than a ****** Friday afternoon.

When the girl looks in the mirror.
She is haunted by her face.
Shamed for being a disgrace
Beaten for the things that she loved
No matter how hard the little girl
In the all white dress.
Lived on through every tragedy.    
As all the hands were reaching for her
She made the right choice by not grabbing any.
Little girl run for your life.
Run and don't let your feet fail you.
Because if you don't escape them
You will become them.  
Consume everything that you hate.

I loved you in the summer. When I was only a child then but you played with me and created fond and eternal memories.
I loved you in the fall. When the hard orange leaves crunched with every step I took. As I grew older and became a woman.
I loved you in the winter. With endless thoughts of you tied around my head. Wanting nothing more but to see you.
I loved you in the spring. Because that meant that summer was close. And the distance between us would become barely inches rather then countless miles.
I loved you infinitely with every gaping breath since the moment I met you.

It's eight o'clock in the morning and I'm running down stairs.
I'm about to tell you it's my sixth birthday.
I'm so excited and I jump on your stomach and tug lightly at your eyelids.
Then next thing you know I'm thirteen and I'm in this whole edgy thing you don't understand. But you still buy me goofy studded belts and depressing romance novels. We still sit in the living room every Sunday. Eating scrapple and watching Jerry Springer.
Then I'm fourteen.
You are getting sicker but I try to just ignore it.
I start to cut myself because I don't know what else to do. Built up guilt I guess because now I can't even be around you. I don't want you to see me so sad
Do you remember when I was little.
We played candy land and you bought me chocolate and marshmallows.
Mom mom was ****** because she didn't want me riled up but you didn't care as long as I was smiling.
Months go by and you get worse.
You got put in the hospital.
The cancer is killing me in the heart as much as it's killing you in the liver.
A few weeks then my mother tells me I have to say goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye to you. You were the best Pop pop anyone could ask for. I didn't say goodbye. Instead I told you I loved you so much. And I always will. And within hours. You were gone. I started smoking. I didn't want to feel like giant gaping hole you left behind.
And it's still there.
Four year later.

If I bloom will I be able to see.
Will I see the precident sight that I've been longing for
With the taste of the past riding my shoulders. Yet the future is pushing me into oblivian. The choice I have made and is it worth it at all. I can't leave you behind but I must take you with me. I love you but yet I want to hate you. How is that possible? How can it be that I long for your embrace but at the same moment I wish to be a great distance apart. For nothing makes sense and my mind is confused. Always confused.
Everyday is another conflict.
A war of indecisiveness within my head.
For you are always the root of my never ending confusion.

A light stroke on my shoulder.
The bird that flutters in my ear.
That whispers words of affection
It caress the very inner core of my fragile heart.
One can not whither at the sight of a new opportunity.
But simply absorb the experience and watch the flower of love bloom. Ignorance is not bliss.
Strive for the ones who change your mind.
Who make your lips quiver and your body tense with excitement.
Don't ignore the strong pull toward that person.
Embrace it and let the happiness flow within you.

The flower once said to the tree "When will my beauty be shown?"
A subtle answer with a seasonal change.
All the flowers are in bloom and spring has arrived.
The flower still repeats a previous asked question. "When will my beauty show?"
The tree still as silent as the dark lonely nights.
The flower is screaming at the tree
Frustrated with greedy thoughts of pure narcissistic nature.
After hours of pleading and screeching at the tree the tree spoke.
His words were hollow and heart peircing.
"Never." He whispered.
For the flower had been so consumed by psyhical beauty it had abandoned thought of internal beauty.
The flower distraught at the tree's harsh words the flower began to whither.
Until all that was left of the flower was crunchy petals and dried up leaves.

One day in the fifth grade I awoke and decided I didn't like my face anymore.

Then a year later, I came home from school crying because I was bullied for being fat.

I began to feel as though I was a waste of space. Unworthy of friends or love, quite frankly living or existing at all.

I decided to turn to self mutilation to fill the empty uneasy hole that had manifestated in my heart.

I felt short term solice for long term feelings. My arms, then my legs. A few on my thighs and wrist. A problem erupted from my dark demons that ruled the kingdom that reigned my head.

A year went by and I met someone who I thought I loved dearly. But to my mistake I only loved their sorrow and was attracted to the despair they had that was quite similar to my own.

It ended and a shining sun opened up for me. My wounds had healed to little white scars. My heart had never felt so swayed in my life. All thanks to yet another man. Who I instead loved for their light and smile. They brought out the best in me.

That also came to a sudden close. For the man was but a boy and even to this day is filled with confusion of his future. I went spiraling down from my throne into the depths of the deep ocean floor. My old cuts and slices re opened and blood filled the whole sea.

I met a dear friend that held the fort down and kept me as sane as possible that year. I turned to him as well. To fill that hole that was still so empty. Yet again only to realize I was wasting my time. Forcing myself to be with someone in order to not be alone.

Then senior year came and I finally had realized something. This battle with myself cannot be won by filling that hole with someone else. I have to get my own dirt from the ground and fill it myself.

The pain I feel is my pain that I have to fix. No one else can heal me or win this on going battle. I have to learn to love myself. To stop trying to see what everyone else see's in me. To discover who I really am.

No other lover is going to do all those things. No one can but myself. I cannot truly love anyone until I learn to love myself.

This battle still isn't over and I have plenty of time to fight. But it's a beautiful blood bath and I am willing to draw my sword until I have reached victory.

Yet after all these three years
You are still on my mind late at night. Call me crazy for still being in love.
Infatuated with someone so twisted and currupt. A person in my life who tore all my walls down and left me naked. For some reason I still cannot help myself. Maybe it's the memories of our daunting past. No, it can't be. I love who you are now. Broken and hopeless and even alone. Even with the world all turned against you. I still love you the same. Smiling or crying, or screaming in my face. I know there are other guys lining up at my door. But I don't care, because they don't matter. It's only you. It's always been you. You probably won't even glance at this little piece of mind I'm sharing. Sigh,  I probably sound bat **** crazy. But I can't get over you. So if by chance you hear me singing. Please make it to my door and tell me you don't feel the same way anymore. Then I swear to god I will walk away. But until that day, I will keep fighting. It's what I do. Because through every single thing. I still am hopelessly in love with you.

In my brain, deeply embedded lies a single strand of memories. Perhaps a few months or of course, a year long strand of memories. Float past me on this meloncholy night in boats of alcohol and none stop regret. Slightly grazing my cortex is then constant image of your face. One I know so well but I try so hard to forget. How does one simply wipe away our past? Our love? Our laughter? Our long lustful nights? When I see you now it's as if all of that never took place. That me and you are complete strangers that never meet. I hate knowing that I have traced every single inch of your body. I've loved you unlike I have loved any other. Yet simply we can neve be and all those memories are useless and wasted. As much as I would pray to forget those moments spent with you. They will bring warmth eternal.

Is it true.
That only you.
Can heal the piercing holes.
That corrupt me within.
My fragile heart.
The one who has caused my heart.
Such known pain and misery.
Yet I still do not hate you.
For your face brings me joy.
Happiness and nothing less.
But my febil ambitions weaken me.
My body yearns for your embrace.
Something that I cannot acquire
Contorting my heart to blackened bitterness.
Such dark tragedy.
As I rot away with the winds.
My bitter soul wanders with no desire at all rather then to simply die.
Death because life empty of you causes nothing more then destruction to me.
It will be my only solace.
Eternal rest.

Words that sink into my heart.
Simple subtle sentences that get thrown at my face like knives.
That beat me and **** me to my inner core.
Tear my insides out and let my useless organs rot away.
With every breath I take I loose myself more.
The pain builds in my chest, taller than New York Sky Scrapers.
Deeper then any ocean on earth.
The burning inside my body.
Poured the kerosene all under my skin.
It soaked into my muscle tissue.
Absorbed into my bones.
You lit the match.
Fire spread deep within.
Even my loudest screams were never heard.
No matter how hard I pleaded.
Kicked, scratched, begged for mercy.
A smile so wide, reached ear to ear.
You shut the door tight.
As my fire burned all of my life out.

I lost the sight of my destination.
I wander through life.
Screams of agony.
Tears of sorrow and confusion.
Corrupt my brain.
Weaken my soul.
Who I was is no longer.
Who I am is no where to be found.
Crawling to find security and comfort.
In someone else.
Because I can't in myself.

I live in a broken home.
****** up doors and shattered windows.
Banging on the walls, begging for mercy.
Wishing for someone, anyone to save me.
To save me from myself.
I burst into flames and crash into winds.
Trying to find the love that I never had.
Looking for the parent that was never there.
Sobbing at the little girl in the blue and white dress.
Who just wanted her father to hold her.
Fighting for the attention that he should have gave her.
Screaming for the voice that she never had.
That little girls father never came back.
He never loved her.
Now that little girl.
Is all grown up.
And she doesn't give a **** about you.

Laying in your arms.
Surrounded by darkness.
Feeling the slight pecks on my fore head.
The tiny words of affection in my ear.
My eyes become so heavy.
As my body weakens.
I give you one last kiss.
Stare deep into your heart.
Lightly brush your cheek.
I whisper in your left ear.
Goodnight.

Roses are Red.
Violets are Blue.
No I will not *******.
Roses are Red.
Cactuses are Green.
I want to rip out your ******* spleen.
Roses are Red.
Some are white
I hope you choke and die tonight.
Roses are Red.
Thorns are thick.
I want to casterate your two inch ****.
Roses are red.
Your blood is too.
Because I just ******* killed you.

Stars fill the dark night sky.
Emptiness ceases me to cry.
My heart missing piece after piece.
Awaiting the feeling of being whole.
Of feeling your warmth apon my skin.
Or the gentle kiss on my lips.
I cannot bare this pain anymore.
Sobs of despair reach out from my lungs.
Laying under this street light hoping for death.
An escape from this eternal nightmare.
A life without you.
Is a life no longer worth living.
So I'll die at my own hand.
Then hopefully.
I will see you again.

On the tip of my tongue.
My self respect slithers away.
Embracing your toxicity.
Lustful illusions shape in my head.
Laying here in this lonely bed.
Bare skinned and cold hearted.
As you waltz in the room.
Heart jumping out of my chest.
My body throbbing for you.
As we crash into each other.
Like waves crashing against the shore.
Pounding into the pleasure.
Screaming and sweat.
I dig my nails deeper into your back.
The final blow leaves me thoughtless.
Exhausted next you.
Silent and satisfied.

Lay alone in the dark.
Eyes closed staring at the ceiling.
My heart sinks inside my chest.
Thoughts spiraling out of control.
"Why am I here?"
"How long do I have left?"
It makes me feel so empty.
How most of my life is wasted.
Tossed aside by unnecessary things.
I don't want to be tied down.
By the miserable pleaurlties of my mother before me.
Explore, live in happiness, achieve my dreams.
That is the life I want to live.
It seems so unnatainable.
Out of reach.
I hide in the darkness for now.
In my own treacherous meloncholy.
Until that one day illuminates me.

Roses are red.
My blood is the same.
Every single drop.
Flowing through my veins.
Roses are red.
Just like you said.
When you handed me a bouquet.
Filled with dread.
Roses are red.
Just like the sky.
On an evening night.
After we get high.
Roses are red.
Now you lay dead.
Overdosed.
In my bed.

Deeper the wound grows.
Heart ache.
Thunder roaring.
lungs echoing.
Fists pounding.
Waves crashing.
Tears pouring.
Rain plummeting.
I couldn't get it out.
The words I wanted to say.
Laying on the hard sand.
The wind whispers.
I'm all alone.

I glance around a crowded room.
With a sudden breath I was on the floor.
Literally.
A boy with light brown eyes and a witty smile.
Knocked me right off my feet.
Coincidence I imagine.
At first sight of his face I knew.
I knew what I wanted.
We exchanged names.
Later on some sweet words.
Soon a first kiss.
Then a second.
And many more after.
Till I realized I was in love.
Swayed by the emotions that touched my heart.
Almost too good to be true.
Tricked.
Enchanted.

I laid my own arm out.
Faith and trust I invoked within you.
My heart spilled out upon the floor.
As I left open my emotional door.
Corrupted and twisted.
You took advantage.
Was your loyalty too much to manage?
You stole what was mine.
It was not your time.
Now you drown in misery.
I hold complete apathy.
Your face is dead to me.

Our bodies ******* as we become one.
You trace the outline of my spine.
Subtle kisses.
Lost in endless time.
Take the last hit of no regrets.
As your morals run out.
Like the last drop of Jack.
Sweet scent of seduction.
Gentle becomes violent.
Afterwords you lay in that bed.
Nicotine regret fills the room.
Until you finally rest your head.
Accept your beautiful mistake.

Distilled by my lies.
Ripped apart by my sorrow.
Tainted by past.
While each day passes by.
I wouldn't dare change a ******* thing.
This is my life.
All my pain.
All my tears.
My glowing smile.
My subtle happiness.
The picture my life is painting for me.
It's a beautiful disaster.
As life should be.
Breathe in the smoke.
Take a look in the mirror.
You are who you are.
Because you are suppose to be.

Crawling toward you.
Tranced in your malevolent eyes.
Controlling my mind.
Skin lightly brushing.
Tenderness enticed me.
Erotica whispering in my left ear.
Pushed up against a hard wall.
And your intoxicating kiss.
Hands covering my body.
Squealing for the moment of perfection.
My nails leaving you wounded.
Biting and scratching for the high I crave.
Till I give a final gasp.
A little giggle of success.
And a peck on your cheek.
Sweet dreams.

What happened to holding me
While I cried?
When did the night sky
Get so bare?
Where did my heart go?
Did it die?
Why do I feel so
Left behind?
Infinitely insignificant
To the earths design.