If I knew what love was,
I'd feel it,
Right?
If I knew what love is,
I'd find it easily...
Right?
If I knew what love is...
Would I still have found you?
Cuz if I knew what love is,
I'd find it in your smile,
Your warm hands and playful laugh.
I'd find it in the way you fix your hair;
In your voice and the way you look at me.
If I knew what love is...
I'd know I found it.

I...
don't love you.
I...
don't know you.

If it were up to me, it'd be you and I for eternity. Laying entwined as time stopped. We'd be the embodiment of forever. We'd be us for all of time. Just us. In the sunlight, laying warm and perfect. Soft and gentle, I'd hold your hand. For all of time, in all the land. Our love would stay. We would be... forever, just you and me.

You're so close to perfect.
So close to being everything...
I'm fearing the day it comes.
I fear the day I look at you and feel that warm breeze of flirtation become a blazing heat in my heart.
A need for you.
Your heart and body.
Your soul and scars and flaws and...
Everything.
I fear the day I fall in love again.
I fear it's already happened.
I fear that craving of your affection,
Your attention, and your need for me, too.
I'm afraid to be scared to lose you.
I'm afraid of connecting and attaching.
I want to be brave.
I want to look at all this and say "It's okay. You've never let go. You're strong and you're smart and you're brave. You love him. It's okay."
I want to feel alright.
That this fear is nothing. It's just a small worry.
But it's crippling.
It's terrifying me.
If I love you...
Then I can never have thoughts without you again.
I can't sleep a night without wanting your voice on my ears,
And your touch in my hair.
I fear I love you...
Again.

If I could tell you how I feel, it would be a mess.
I would start with what I think of you.
When I think of you...
I wish you were a better person.
That you had better opinions.
That you considered others more.
Then I'd tell you how you make me feel.
When I see you, my mind goes blank and whispers your name.
My eyes blur and focus on your face.
They push liquid memories down my cheeks and flush away all thoughts.
My heart sings softly of your touch.
I wish what I feel has reason.
Why do I love you? You're not great. You barely pass "good."
Yet you pass right through me. All my defenses. All my security.
My love remembers you.
But I wish I could forget.
Forget you were here. Forget you exist. Forget you are important.
I wish I could fix myself. Fix these thoughts with a figurative hammer and shatter those ******-tear-stained glass string that attach me to your back, where memories pull me towards you.
Remember when you told me there was nothing wrong with me?
That I'm perfection solidified, personified?
I remember... when I think about how much I hate you. When I see reasons that you're nothing special. Nothing great. You're not a good person, oh, no. But I remember...
How you're good to me.
But you weren't really?
Remember when I doubted your loyalty? How I thought you were my mistake?
When I thought you could never purposely try to hurt me, or anyone.
Then we did what we did.
And now I can believe it.
I thought you were faultless.
I thought you were amazing. Flawless. Perfection personified.
Why do I still feel it?
Why can't I let go?
You're nothing special.
Nothing good.
Remember when you held my hand, after all these years?
When you saw me for me? When it was just you and I.
Just you and I. There was nothing anymore.
No worries. No time.
No time to be just us.
Everything but time froze. Everything but the world.
I wish I could forget you.
Everything about you.
I wish I could love again.

When someone tells you they're in love with you. They're giving you themselves. Whole. Raw. Heart and soul. They're giving you trust and adoration. A hold on them.
...I...
I could never tell you.
You, who is everything else I need in my life.
You, who can tear me apart and keep me together.
You can never know just how much you really mean to me.
Just how much you've always meant to me.

I'm fascinated by language. Words that can be used simply, without thought and an exchange is happening. Or it can be a recitation, a spiel, an epilogue of soliloquies passed from language to mind in a scientific magic. It can be raptured words of ecstatic bliss! Or hateful slurs of ******-off ****. It's a rhythm, a movement, a still pond of thought. Language happens whether you want it or not. A simple silence will pray, "Do not approach, please!!" or roar from the depths a loud "I'll kick you in your knees." It's a statement, a charge. A description, a related recital of rundown redundancy, reiterating what we already know. I am FASCINATED with language. And so you should be, too. Cuz it's all in our heads... and it's varied in hue.

Here's my heart,
Locked away
So keep it for another day
And maybe in a century
My heart would want to return to me