Insanity is such a playful word
I want to extract each of your teeth
To play the most iconic drum beats of all time.
Make snarled rhythm out of your body
One.    Last.    Time.
Underneath the howling moonlight
We made love to.  
And you sat shivering.
Insanity holds such ambiguity that it's ready to burst.
So intense as it sits stinging you like bees
Watching you H. U. R. T.
Or leaving you laughing at strange.

I guess what we have is insanity
That it is driving me off the edge
And keeping me together all the same.

How do you stop this debilitating aching
Within your chest?

And how do you keep from drowning,
When all you can do is sink,
Choking on water thicker than cement?

Have you ever tried to convince those around you
That you are in love with the very person they hate?

How do you walk again
After falling,
Crawling and then shattering every limb?

And who ever taught you to breathe,
After suffocating on sorry's and do you still love me's
And spewing up your lungs corrupted with
False innocence and lies?

i can't see your face anymore,
and yet i taste you every time i close my eyes.
lingering in the sticky gel i gouge out in the mornings,
it smears the mask i've created,
pretending i'm healing.

does the sun finally set
once i've purged you out completely?
or will the flames you wish upon me
drag me back to a clean slate?
phoenix? or perpetual purgatory?

tell me... will i be numb forever?

((your final gift or act of control.))

Every day is the same

             You wake up and it's grey,


               Broken, empty and choking.

        
                  Until one day, your body,
    
                      Subconsciously,


                         Makes the conscious decision


                              To never wake up again.



                And then you're lost, in a darkness
                That was never yours to hold.

These four walls don't recognise me anymore,
And lately I've been waking up cold.
Where the distance sways... I falter.
It's so dizzying keeping up
With a universe whose heart is beating
Too fast.
There are days where I forget
That the blood in my veins is mine.
Hallucinations of opaque canvases
Dappled with a hundred strokes of paint.
The blood in my veins isn't blood at all...
When did it all become pain...t.
I regularly dissect the chambers of my heart,
Mental images of ripping apart the last thing I stood for;
A solitary beat that was never meant to be heard.

Muse bares its teeth, snarls, snaps, rips the head back…
Chewing through the spinal cord and lapping up the brain fluid.
An image not so commonly played in the desert mind, riddled with mirages.
Empty and lost searching for new meat, left starving and dishevelled,
There is nothing new here, battling with the repetitive beat of ancient drums;
Beats making no sound, only vibrations that rattle the ribcage dripping rotten flesh.

There is an overwhelming sadness washing over me,

I don't know how to surface,
            Or rid myself of this darkness.

A constant ebb and flow of numbness,
              Rolling, up and down my paralysed body.

I'm so sorry, I have wandered here again.

               Drag me out,
                                      Teach me how to breathe.

One more day like this,
blood will turn to wine.

Another hour unseen,
another promise broken.

One more battle,
One more scar to keep you ashamed.

Blink once,
don't you dare look back,
walk away with the sunrise
keep the devils stare.

I'll meet you there.
I'll meet you somewhere
away from here.

Sleepless nights,
harvest the worst dreams,
I thought you said you didn't feel pain?

Two more lungs,
dried up and corrupt,
we'll walk out
and drown together.

Maybe I'm ready for the end of the world
Or maybe I'm just impatient.
Today was supposed to signify a magnitude of things;
Mostly our love.
But the suns dancing overshadows what should've been.
I'm waiting for it to be cold again
To once more reflect unshattering icicles
Replacing my heart.
I'm too tired and you're too far away.
This is a waiting game
And I am losing.

Why must this searing pain
in my throat debilitate me,
why must my lungs
throb with such breathlessness
again?

thinking all this was over
thinking all of this was done,
i let myself collapse, falter
and become so numb.

i'll drown in fire
and freeze in the depths
of razor thunder.
this is not electricity
this is a pain
i thought i'd forgotten
or atleast padlocked into a cage

In 15 years time,
I'll walk the streets of the place we promised to escape to
and I'll look up at the stars wondering if you see them now like i do,
I'll stumble over cobble stone roads, in the last stages of our memories,
I'll bump into foreign strangers, I'll be in a daze,
I'll smile politely as an apology and they'll do the same,
Time will have almost done its job of healing and erasing,
but in 15 years time, when I turn a street corner,
I'll see your face, ask if we know each other
and you'll reply with, "We promised to meet here,
just 15 years ago, dear."
In 15 years time, I'll fall hopelessly in love with you all over again.

I would let my demons consume me
If it meant that you would be better.
I would let you eat my heart
If it took away your loneliness.
And I would set myself on fire every single day
If it meant that I could hold you
o n e. l a s t. t i m e.

9th February.
I suppose it should hold special meaning,
Or coloured dinosaur eggs
But it's merely volcano silt.
Washing out a year and bringing in a brand new blandness I don't need.
It'll be the celebration day of my birth in just a week
Everyone has forgotten,
Too wrapped up in their own brain mazes;
Everyone forgets,
Mauve poison daggers seeping through memories
Forgetting;
Mostly warm summer days,
Mostly the southerly change at night
Mostly February ninth.

Everyone's forgotten me.

You never made me happy.
Though you heard me say it, you never made me happy; not once... not ever.
Instead what you heard was falsities...
A lie, a mask, a good ******* play at ‘happy families’.
You never made me happy.
I lived in a bubble of illness and not the kind I could see a doctor for.  
I painted masks across my face for you, sung a sweet lullaby of ‘I’m peaceful in this second’.
But in that second you were suffocating me, boxing me, moulding me, caging, controlling,
Ensuring I wouldn’t leave.
An exuberant ‘I’m happy’ should’ve translated more appropriately to ‘I want to die and be reborn’.
You made me sick and I wanted to die.

You can say you made me,
Created me all you want,
But the truth is
I’ve always built myself,
This has been the finest creation I’ve made with raw hands.
All you ever did
Was stamp me down,
Keep me squashed
Under the weight of your narcissism.

But I’ve grown strong,
Bashed and wriggled and crawled out
From under your gloomy shadow.
And I’m shining again.
A certified self-made masterpiece.

One more sleepless night,
Another timeless darkness,
closing in on me.

Flames consume my eyes,
The burning will never stop,
Please, oh, please, take me.

Let the devils in,
Give them shelter and some tea;
Hospitality.

Now, now, let me sleep,
please, I've been good to you all,
Unchain me, devils!

I.
You are my shipwreck,
I am your siren,
It's an uneasy game I play
Dragging you down to the depths...
Dragging you down to your death.

II.
I always get lost
Looking for something to open my eyes;
I've never really been awake.

III.
Swearing to hurt anyone
Who
Tries to **** me...
Do those same rules apply
When I try to **** myself
In your ******* black hole eyes.

IV.
The galaxy has been filling me
For years and you find
Beauty in my stone cold shell encasing.

V.
Maybe we should wait and see.

VI.
"Give me time."

VII.
I hope your favourite sound
Is the dah-dum
Of my heart beat drum...

VIII.
I love you.

Dellusional and scared,
I'm running from shadows that aren't there,
I can't scream in this haunted house anymore,
Walls are collapsing in on my lungs,
Ghosts have sewn my mouth shut,
Cobwebs have come alive and they're taking my arms,
Pulling, pulling, Tearing me apart,
Insomnia begins to sing as it tries to claim victory,
It has not won yet, I have not lost,
My limbs begin to bleed out as the clock tears at my skin,
I'm sinking into the floorboards, I'm sinking in,
Chuckling ghouls emerge from antique cupboards,
They dance, and the webs make me spin,
I think I'm gonna be sick.

Your love was like a light switch in my head,
You know the one where it’s taped up to stay on?
The bulb blew sometimes
But you always ******* another one back in.
Your love made my world so bright,
Gave me clarity and warmth.

But eventually the tape fell weak,
Peeled off and curled up without me realising,
And a chilling storm ripped through my mind.
Flipped the switch, shattered the bulb.
And I grew cold with the rain.
Shivered so much I fell asleep,
But when I woke
I couldn’t flip the switch again.
The light was gone and
You didn’t love me anymore.

It was my birthday.
And the first thing i could say to my coworkers when I saw them after was
“I didn’t cry”

And it’s true.
For the first time in 25 years
I can genuinely say I’m happy
And I had an amazing day.

I didn’t cry,
I smiled and laughed,
Had fun
And felt like myself.
Free, happy, unshackled.

I’m happy.
It took a while,
It took some tears,
It took pain,
It took blood,
But I am happy.
So extremely me
And so ******* happy.

Like leaves, tears drop and float effortlessly down scarred cheeks.
To the world, they remain anonymous and silent but to me, they are the world.
Becoming glass shards in broken eyes, and elvin daggers in a limp heart.
A body spinning counterclockwise, going no where but sicker as the days flash by.
I am a number, a false statistic that hasn't registered yet.
I am made up and imaginary, just like hands are to time, just like green is to money.
I grow tired of this worlds mentality more and more with each shallow breath.
I remain on the outskirts of everything as I stay unconformed and partially used.
There is an ever present dust seeping into my wounds and it's eating away all I am, all I stand for and my bones.
They have turned to dust, my soul has given way to rust.

Though there is a beginning and end to every story
The human end is very different to normal
Now, now,
I'm not saying we're immortal
or you'll be a zombie until the world explodes
I'm saying there is an end, we will die
but our spirits live on through others
and supernatural explanations which are unexplanatory
(for my own vocabulary anyway)
I'm saying that one day,
we'll rot, be eaten by insects and be entirely consumed by dirt,
time will eventually allow our names to fade from paper
and dust in the wind will become our bones
but we all have that one footprint
that stains this earth forever
and we do stay here together,
We don't die, we just change shapes.
We leave our bodies and become something else,
we enter the empty space called death
to watch everyone else still breathing
with pink hearts beating.

A knife in my throat bleeding out the demons
Oh the mess I've made, oh hush don't scream
It's not painful, don't be scared for me
Is the colour of the blood not fascinating?
As the tiles drown in this liquid
It seems stupid, but oh the happiness thats filled me now,
Escape, escape, escape, that's all I want from this, escape,
Don't hide! Oh please don't run away,
I need you to watch this, the colours, the screams, the blood
I need you to see me set free!
Please stay to watch me levitate.

I lie on the concrete floor.
My bruised body just an empty shell.
Another round of our fight: I wanted more.
My mind became my own hell.

The nights and days grew colder.
I stayed a fragile shell on the concrete.
Time never freezes: our good memories grew older.
I hid behind your deceit.

Pain stricken
Tear stained
My eyes flickered
Like the candles last flame

Maybe, I
Am on my last flame.
Once again, at the thought, I cry.

I dream,
And awaken
To my screams
Of pain. My hearts been taken.

My tears fall so gently
And my heart beats so softly
While the pain of breathing erodes me so quickly.

Cuts.
Bruises.
Cracked ribs.
Black eyes.
Shattered plates
And empty bottles.

What have you done?
You destroyed me.

You say that you're unthought of in this dark and cobwebbed mind of mine.

You say you're vanishing and dissolving from this grey, boring life of mine.

You say I've had enough and I've given up,

you say I'm losing myself and the only person who I've ever loved.

But what you don't know,

Is that I'm too afraid to tell you that;

you're in every single one of my demented dreams; saving me.

You don't know you're in every single one of my thoughts in the waking day.

I could never have enough of your precious company; it is just stolen time, with you.

I'm too scared to hurt you dear, that's why you don't know these things,

I'm too scared so instead I push you away.

And I promise, I'll never lose myself, for your sake; so you'll never lose me.

But my silence right now, will set me free.

Shedding skin,
I am choking in myself
And drowning in the sea of on-lookers, watchers.
Twisting and bending
Just trying to escape, i'm still trapped
And they're closing in on me
Vunerable and small.
I shrink into a microscopic thing
A bug, dust, a thing.
I shrink in my fear
But they're still closing
So I grow. Enormous
Bigger, bigger
Towering over the crowd
From faux confidence
I stumbled on the spinning world
Fell and crushed them all.

I hate that my only experience of love,
Before now,
Was a demonstration of narcissisms bargaining chip.
The soul source of a narcissists food to feed the ego.
Because for a long time,
I was in deep belief that love was fleeting.
Here one second,
Non existent the next.
Torturous…
And devoid of any warmth falsely portrayed in movies, books and the lives of my friends.

I hate that I was conditioned to believe love was regimented.
Structured and strictly used to service you.

Affection was a mirage
Shown only when I must’ve needed a reminder to cling to false hope that this was real.

And while some romance films
Toy with the idea of some small sacrifices being involved
None ever quite explained that you had to forfeit your dreams for a narcissists ego.
Luckily, this was something you explained to me.
I should’ve graduated 3 years ago…

Despite your hard hard work to convince me love wasn’t real,
That I was nothing of worth.
I am being loved, shown I too can be supported, encouraged.
And I am stronger
And worthier
And happier
Than I think you are ever capable of feeling.

The hole you’ve dug is a deep one,
Get comfy before they fill it in.

Insomnia came to play again,
so we'll probably just wait
and watch the sun come up.

And when people ask me tomorrow
"Gee, how'd you get such a healthy glow?"
I'll reply awkwardly with
"I have not slept in days."

He said he loved me






                                 I told him I wanted to die in his arms.

It's strange the way that freedom is an essential yet silent component of the human body. It lies dormant between the right lung and the edge of the diaphragm, it tickles your side every now and then, starting a chain reaction of a deep breath then a spontaneous motion. Eventually you wind up somewhere completely alien to you and, if you're like me, you take no notice of what's around as you slowly plod home. It's a dull life, but oh, isn't it safe.

Welcome mad scientists, friends, lovers with dismembered heartstrings, ghosts, rain drops, dreamt-up-star-children and perhaps child geniuses.
This is chaos.
My soul has been observing people for centuries.
I am an empath.

Broken and
dismembered,
You're in pieces
bleeding to death
on the lounge room floor.

This place is a mess
and you've become
the worst of the best.

Welcome to a
hell drenched home
where you'll bleed
'til you're empty
and rot to death.

With pretty scars
and stolen fame.

These crows
they feast on
your eyes but
you can still
see torture.

This is so fair.

Mixmatched and in flames.
Keep the pain.
Keep the pain.

Hide the glitter
Swallow the shame.
swim through eyes
but close your mouth
don't eat the vile
grey brain.

Smell the dead roses,
dear.
They smell almost
as sweet as you
and the death touch
you harbour.

Spread your torn
angel wings, set them alight
and fly, baby, fly.

Spin through falling clouds
as we cleanse the world
of you.

We'll welcome you back one day,
until then,
who the **** are you?

Choke on every
dream you ever
thought was real.

Claw at every
lie you ever
thought was true.

Wash your hands
clean of yourself.

Become pure again
in all your impurities.

Smile. Smile. Smile.

Sharpen your ******* teeth
and bite.

Who the **** are you again?

Spread the disease
of putrid impurities.

Spread the disease of you.

I am done,
You have seen me
Unravel,
Wilt
And shrivel.
No longer a flower
But forever bound to your garden.

I apologise  for peeling your eyes back
And letting them burn as they watch me suffer.
I never meant to be your trigger,
I never meant to pull the trigger
On your fragil stability.

I wish, I wish
You didn't have to watch me die.

I'm done. I'm done.

It rains underneath the umbrella now, what have you done? What spells have you spun? No more, dear, I cannot take anymore. Eternal darkness traded for pain. I want the beauty of light again. And with my hand stitched to yours, I led you to the train, and on those tracks we died, under our umbrella of blood red rain.

You are not clued into
The extensive wiring
And miscommunication within me.
You are sure as hell
Not brainy enough to
Attempt to figure it out.
So instead with your ignorance
You label me more than
That movie you hated
With all your might...
But believe me when I whisper
To myself as I cry alone at
The break of dawn that
I am nothing more than that movie
And I am everything less
Than you deserve.

Never, not once, in my life
Or past lives, even past centuries,
Have I been a formula.
I dance in the eyes of needles
And underneath the skin of skinless beasts.
I sing with my fingers,
Around (your throat) the pen
And I smile with a thousand hearts in my eyes.

I have never been the essential equations,
Numbers, measurements and shapes
That glue together formulas.

I am not normality that you can bottle,
I was born to drown in the sky.

I swim through your eyes,
get lost in your mind;
it's so beautiful here.

i could watch your life grow
forever and never get bored
with your way of processing
even the simplest things.

i dive deeper
and fall into the warmth
of your heart, but
i feel its so fragile,
corners stitched together;
makeshift medicine
against lost loves
and fatigue from the world
that treated you so badly,
i brush my fingertips
over the blackening spots
hoping to take
your sadness away.


i fell in love
with the butterflies
living in your belly,
their colours adding
to your beauty.

My eyes open slowly,
and to just trace your lips
with the tip of my finger
would be safety for me
and all these tears would
dry.

I awaken
to only realize
i am alone once again,
needing you here.

I had never thought about little things until now, until I had become displaced and detached. Little things like the scratch of grass against bare feet and the little crunch noise that undoubtedly breaks the blades of grass... But natures green carpet always bounces back immediately. Perhaps the noise of tree branches, being tangled, tortured and embraced by strong southerly winds in the middle of a steaming hot summer, should have held more importance to me back home. The art of appreciation and great-fullness  is so easily lost amongst the concepts of time, greed and the incomprehensible human need to succeed.

Colourful toucans, magic disposables
with pretty specks of dust, fallen pixies
and dreams of an escape.
take me back to that place.
I wanna go home, I wanna go home.

I miss that pretty, twisted place-
I miss that other half of me;
it seems to have detached,
leaving open wounds for me
to find zero comfort in.

Where reality exploded before our eyes
and travelling in teleportation devices
seemed so logical and the only method
of reasonable transport.

The world will not be crushed
by my fragile shaking hands
but I dream of the day it does.

Everything is just a dream
that is vanishing as I wake up now.
I don't wanna wake up, I don't wanna wake up.

I wanna stay in this place,
with fragile hands and the creatures
that are so tragically beautiful
with our minds as the creators.

I wanna stay here with these illusions
that have become our world.

I wanna stay here with you.

Sometimes I'm not home
But I remain sat, snug between it's walls.
Sometimes I'm home,
Existing only as a body,
A spent bullet shell...
Empty, warped and scratched gold.
All of the time I'm at home,
Physically.
Yet, the wind traces it's fingers through my hair
Sending;
Shivers down my spine,
Sending;
My gaze to stars...
Peeking between cracks in the roof,
Sending;
My heart to a parallel beat...
And I am not there.