Time .
One of the slowest ,
yet fastest things I know .
Having the ability to pass in a second
while also having the strength to stop and drag along .
I hate time .
Especially when all my
time is spent
waiting on others .
It’s like time is just idling ,
lagging ,
falling farther and farther behind .
until it becomes nothing ,
nothing but a clock with no hands ,
all because of a decision .

I decided to spend all of my time just waiting,
standing by without cause because
time was on hold .
but if I only knew what pausing time would do.
Leaving me w the feeling of being lost and confused .
Maybe then I would have just pressed play
even if that meant I had to play by myself
at least time would have been pressed
to move along .
instead of yearning for
company .
Imagine passing through infinity ..
How lonely that would be .
To never have anyone to tell my dreams ?
That would not be an ideal fantasy .
Yet time is forced ,
with me in the passenger seat ,
to break itself down .
Demanded to spend half of itself alone.
Completely cloaked
Half in radiant light
Half in soul ******* darkness
But always
ALL alone .
What would this world be without time ?
The world would be me .
Alone yet free .
Alone but free .
But being alone and free
is for eternity
not for me .

I hate this feeling .
This feeling of not knowing
This from that
Up from down
Right from left
Happiness from
Anger.
Oh but I know anger .
I know anger better than I know me.
Anger knows me better than my own mother .
Anger conceived me , it birthed me .
It fed me the darkness
and
Clothed me in hate.
When no one else would stay,
Anger was the one who showed me the way.
Even if that way led me into the deepest, darkest hole imaginable.
Death.

Death isn’t the monster it is made out to be .
It isn’t the noise under your bed,
The shadow in your closet,
Or the one who “stole” my sister.
Death is a savior .
A protecter.
A liberator.
Death is a guardian angel
Disguised as the devil .
Oh , how could it be Satan ?
If it releases you from a life of pain
And envelopes you into a hug of shadows ?
Soft and overwhelmingly complete.
Death is the mother I always wanted my own mother to be .

“No one cares about you unless you’re dead or lying naked in their bed.”
-mute
•••

too many.
too many to remember.
too many to count.
all my life I’ve been searching for love and affection
in the wrong places..
in the wrong people.
I’ve given up the key to my sanctuary
given up the password to my treasury
only to be tricked and robbed blind.
time and time again i allow myself to be used and abused
like a *****
but at least they get paid.

words can be so deceiving.
one minute they can be whispered so intimately in your ear
while you’re feeling the best pleasure
known to you
and the next millisecond
they can be thrown like daggers
and you’re the target.
and I don’t get it.

every time i think, it’ll be different.
every time i hope, it’ll be different.
but this time ?
i wanted you to be different
and I thought you were.
but now,
my mind is clouded
plagued by the poisonous thoughts in my head.
i was hoping you’d save me,
but you might be the reason i end up
dead.

and just like that
i became your diary.
you being the pen
and i being your paper.
like i was your shaker .
salt or pepper ,
it didn’t matter .
you needed flavor
and i needed ...
you.

in a blink of an eye
you turned to me
searching for something
anything
to hold on to
and like a lifeguard
i dived into your ocean of tears .
(or was it fears?)
i should’ve tested your waters first
because
i didn’t know how
to swim
in a place so deep.

Sometimes I get sad.
Like sad sad.
To the point where it feels like a blanket of darkness is surrounding me.
Like a black hole of sadness
and happiness can’t get in.
And a life without happiness?
It’s suicide.
It’s almost like my own hands are strangling me.
Do you know how it feels to be suffocated?
To feel your soul slowly ooze out of your pores?
To have your life force ripped piece by piece from your heart?
Dear God or whoever you believe in,
I hope you never do.

Sometimes I get down.
Like down in the dumps.
To the point where it feels like happiness is a foreign concept.
Like the idea of physics.
Difficult and hard to understand
Especially when you’re your own teacher.
Teaching myself something you never knew to begin w.
So , HOW will I catch on?
I just can’t.
I can’t grasp the idea euphoria, happiness or physics.
No matter how hard I try.
And maybe that’s what I get.
Call it bad karma or bad luck ,
Whatever shoe fits just make someone else wears it
And not me.
Or maybe it’s because I was never taught how to be happy
and how to love myself.

Sometimes I get depressed.
Like depressed all of the time actually.
25/8.
There’s never a ‘happy’ moment.
Not for long.
Not ever .
I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t depressed.
Maybe when I was a kid.
Back when life was a walk in the park
And all I had to worry about was..
Whatever kids worry about I guess.
I can’t remember what that would be.
All I know is that kids have this innocence,
This happiness,
This light.
But, I never had that.
Not even for a minute.
Like a 24 hour clock of depression
I’m always clocked in.