Today I was taking a shower
and my arm started to sting.
That sting.
The sting I didn't even realize I remembered.
Until I did.
And when I did, oh how that made me feel.
Being bombarded with oh so many memories of
escape and freedom
And control.

Today, I was taking a shower
And my arm started to sting.
This familiar sting that I knew all to well
and all I could do was stare at this tiny, tiny cut.
Like a pink line of perfection,
if that makes sense.
It brought with it not only a slight pain that I am all too familiar with.
But, also the memories of watching my blood mix with the water into a pretty pink
Swirl down the drain.

Today, I was taking a shower
and my arm started to sting.
Bringing with it the need to feel that sting
constantly.
Like in the past years.
Needing to have some sense of control.
Needing to feel a pain that I knew better than
my own face.
Needing to slice my arm.
Not into ribbons,
but how about laces?

Today, I was taking a shower
And my arm started to sting.
And that scares me.
The feeling of wanting to grab the sharpest thing I could find
and add my pretty in pink lines
across my mocha skin.
Right along with the older ones.
Not caring who see's them
and not caring about the
Consequences.
Only caring about the release it would provide.
Release and a high.
A high that makes me higher than smoking **** ever could.

Today, I was taking a shower
And my arm,
My arm started to sting.

Sometimes I wish I didn't exist.
Who would want to exist in this world anyways?
Living a life of hurt and loneliness
Because no matter what you do, no one will ever stick around to see you make it out of this disastrous and heartless cold world or not.

Oh how I hate the word
'Alone'.
Because that's what I've been feeling lately.
"You aren't alone."
"I'm here for you."
"There are others going through this too."
Yada, yada, yada.
Those are just words that spill like a fallen drink on the kitchen counter.
Emptying its' contents like you would your stomach after hearing that your brother faces up to 25 years for something you wish he didn't do.

Is that too personal for you?
Oh, I can get much more personal.

How about uprooting your life for the second time?
Second time? Second time.
For a parental figure who doesn't even act like you were once in her.
Your heartbeat mixing with hers in this entrancing dance of rhythm.
Picking favorites and avoiding communicating with you because who needs to communicate with her own flesh and blood anyways?
Forcing you to look for tender and warm maternal affection and direction elsewhere because how could she possible show love if she's more lost than you are?

Not personal enough?
I'm just warming up.

I've been so independent for so long.
I never knew I could learn to depend on someone so much.
Again.
But, I did.
And I'm sorry if this starts to slowly turn into one of those lovey dovey yucky yucky poems.
But, I've finally met my match.
Someone who laughs at the same things as me.
Someone who takes care of me and sends me those cute
"Did you eat?"
"Did you make it home?"
"I miss you."
Texts.
Someone who has seen me broken and beaten down and instead of running away at full speed,
He cupped my face with his hands and forced me to look at him,
Through the snot and tears,
And told me
"Do you see me? I will not leave you. I am here."

And that my friends,
Gave me back my will.
My will to live.
My will to survive.
The will I lost so long ago.
The will I never knew I had.
But, don't let that "will" fool you.
I'm still learning how to depend on myself.
I'm still learning how to love my life.
I'm still learning how to want to live.

If that wasn't personal enough for you,
Then nothing ever will be.

love.
what a strange word.
i wonder what it feels like.
maybe a million an done butterflies caressing your skin.
each flap of their wings drawing you in closer.
or maybe it feels like a wave crashing into a cliff.
you're the cliff
and love is the wave.
maybe it hits you out of nowhere.
i used to think love was a leaf falling from the tree and landing on your shoulder.
so unexpectedly.
so suddenly.
maybe love is unknown.
the things we do not know
and could never know.
i wonder what love feels like.
i wonder...
what is love?

I'm tired of being taken advantage of
I'm tired of ******* thinking they're in love
I wish everyone would just shut the **** up
Just for a moment so I can hear my thoughts
I'm tired of acting like I care
Life's a ***** and it's never fair
Everyone wants a shoulder to cry
But no ones there for me, so why should I?
Lately I'm just so out of line
Didn't know kicking back was a ******* crime
It's just like poker or a glass of wine
So much *******, I stay red eyed
**** the fakes
Tall grass and snakes
I try to shake the resentment and hate
I stay red eyed
It's all I can take
Or else I'll loose it, then it's too late