“I don’t want to think of you like this,
but the nights are when my thoughts attack me the most.
I know you’re not okay
& it kills me that I can’t help you because you won’t let me.
It kills me that I have to watch you get worse
even though we’re miles apart.
When all I want to do is save you, but I can't.
It kills me that with every attempt I try,
&mak;; to help get through to you is blocked out,
Because I just can't be there physically...anymore,
To squeeze your hand and remind you I care,
To wipe your tears and silently speak through our comfortable stares.
To hug you tight, and ease your fears.
It kills me.*
It kills me because I know you try,
to barricade and hide,
the pain.
Through shutting me out and focusing on other things to lessen the blow at first ...only to make it worse later.
It kills me that no one we know would believe me if I tried to tell them what you don’t want them to know, because if you did, at least one person would check on you constantly for me.
It kills me that I can’t name one person I could count on to do that for me.
It kills me that I have to spill my heart out in these poems just to get my point across.
It kills me that I can feel all of your pain on top of mine since you’re my other half and we’ll always be inter-connected, entwined, like a braided rope...whether we like it or not.
It kills me to think of what you’d do the day you finally decide you can’t take it anymore and take drastic measures over something that had a solution.
It kills me that everybody would blame me, screaming
“why didn’t you try harder?!”
While I collapse and crumble,
down to my knees,
sobbing.
Then some even dare to shoot their accusations in a different way,
their sickly sweet smiles curve at their lips as they mouth the words
'it wasn't really your fault'
My cries of apologizes become a silent distant mumble.
My mind numb.
They don't hear me anymore, I'm as lost as she is now gone.
They have failed to hear the cry of the shattered ones,
echo from within me....
“You don’t understand how much I tried. How much she *tried.”
This was inspired from somewhere I stumbled across, and I thought I'd make it into a poem'type'story. :)
It's a mixture of waves of emotions, of sadness and helpless-ness of a girl struggling to handle the pain through her frail fragile mothers hands and the beauty and raging storm brewing in her best-friends eyes. While comments are flung like lashes of a whip, only adding salt and sting to her open wounds and injuries.
The girl is learning to be brave,
But some days she crumbles and breaks.
She is....human.
Everything is not as it seems.
And I wanted to share that,
Open up your eyes to the pain of others and realize that not every person is living like their enjoying life...sharing a smile can mean so much.
It can be the reason, someone decides not to give up hope.
(This is dedicated to my inspirations, my mum and best-friend who are both strong and two very beautiful women, and who never fail to amaze me with their bravery, and love for life...and eagerness to keep on trying even when all hope seems to fade...they find hope again.)
-H