How do you measure
The depth,
The
Sincerity
Of
A smile

And how do you know
What
It
Means

The herald of the dark
Greets me once again,
With empty eyes and features stark,
And I, his only friend

We walk in arm in arm now
Our feet dragging through the dirt
Shadows covering our ****** brows
As to past lives we avert

The cicadas are the loudest now,
When it's quiet enough for them to crawl out of long silence's brow,
And whisper their songs to the earth,
Weaving their stories of darkness and birth,
A murmur that holds ages older than old
Knowledge and youth will not shrink from the cold,
Acceptance, no fear, understanding so clear

That they don't matter at all

Yet they all sing, and their voices all bring, bring forth a single call

They sing not in words
For they don't mean to be heard

They simply wanted to sing

If I could build another Babel,
A tower extending past the dawn,
I'd build and build til no longer able,
And all my words were gone,
All to glance at your sweet smile
To cherish as down I fall
Break my bones crashing through earth's wilds
Broken and happy and all

Time always passes
It will not stop
Beauty can only be perceived in fleeting moments
And finding them
Is what life is for
A flower can save a life

I guess I wouldn't mind a pony
Or candy, friends, sony's
Spider-Man
On DVD and bluray
I wouldn't mind a brand new camera
Or a way to understand you
And knowing what to say
I guess that'd be okay
But really what I want to do
Is to get to see you
Again

We're all scared of the world so we hide in our box,
I'm terrified of all of you so I maintain my locks,
But when shadows come I wear Christmas socks,
So I guess there's still hope, I haven't forgot,
It'll be Christmas soon, and until then I'll have my socks

In my dream
I drew a picture
Of you
And smiled
Because even though I messed up,
Like I always do,
You would still hang it on the fridge,
And tell me you love me,
Like you always do
Who are you?

Do you ever come home like "wow I ate the entire world today this is what death feels like at least I know I'll never do it again hey look chocolate chips"?

We were reading the inferno in class today
The second ring of the seventh circle
She let out a gasp
I almost didn't hear it, could have mistaken it for a breath if my eyes hadn't glanced in her direction
Witnessed her mouth agape, her eyes wide with shock and horror as she read the description of the woods of suicide
She closed it quickly, her mouth, I mean
I took her hand and squeezed it, but I had to let go
Her mouth remained closed but her eyes flashed with pain when the people who "defiled" themselves were torn apart by the ravenous dogs
I knew what was hiding under her jeans on her upper thighs
I knew it was the child of her mind tearing itself apart
It's funny
Funny, how those cuts on her legs
Hurt me more than pain should be allowed to exist in anything
Funny, how pain we feel for those we love is unmeasurably larger than the pain we feel for ourselves
Funny.

Look at how it glistens in the morning light
It was just blown and now takes off in flight.
It catches the breezes and goes where it pleases
But sadly won't last too long
The bubble you blew
Blew your heart into
Is now
Forever
Gone

I didn't used to have a favorite color
My grandma, her name was Mimi, her favorite color was green
She was a gardener, her garden always abloom with the most beautiful flowers I'd ever seen
Her favorite color was green
A plant green, bright and vibrant, just like she was until fourth grade anyways
She had an infatuation with monkeys, she had monkey lamps, monkey stuffed animals
I still have the one she gave me
Two years after she gave me Leme the lemur, she died
It was a heart attack
As I looked at her at her funeral, I thought about the monkeys, I thought about her flowers, I thought about green, that shade she loved, reminded her of the plants, the flowers, reminded her of life
Ironic, her favorite color a lively green as she lay dead, the only time I saw her without a smile
I think that's when I decided green was my favorite color
It reminds me of the monkeys, of the flowers. Of the lady I love
And miss
Almost every day I see her green
It helps, almost like I still have a part of her
She gave me her green to help me
She knew I'd need it

I think sometimes that we are too eager as people.

All we can think about when we're little is what we'll be when we grow up and then we realize we aren't children anymore and it's devastating.

And here we are, growing up more.

The repairman
Sat at the bar
Broken
Great,
now there were
two things
he couldn't fix
She was gone
His heart went with her
And only a drunken shell
Remained
His dad always told him
"If something's broke, fix it"
And his dad gave him
His first set of tools
And they built
A rocking chair together
And even though
His dad was gone
He still had
Them
And his dad's last words
To him
Were "I love you"
But she always said
"You don't love me"
And she gave him
His first child
And they built
a family together
But she was gone
And he didnt
Still have
them
And her last words
To him
Were"I don't love you"

He left the bar
drunk
And started
For home
And as he walked
He saw families
And couples
But it was
always
her
Her with another
And he hated them

No
He hated himself

He was walking
Near a bridge
A good ways
Above the water
Rocks beneath

He stopped
He was on
The edge
Of the bridge
But it wasn't
a bridge
It was a pit
And he was at
The precipice

He jumped

And the only one
Who went to his funeral
Was his corpse

I knew him. He transferred into my eigth grade class somewhere past half way into the year. A friend raved about how the new kid was so quick to lend her a pencil. I didn't care.

He was in my PE class and even though he looked so athletic, he could never catch a ball. He was always a good sport about it, even as the other kids started to make fun of him behind his back. He talked differently, using big words, often incorrectly, and with a surprisingly hopeful inflection. He was loud. Not only did I not care, I contributed to his ridicule. It seemed good natured and I just wanted to fit in.

We all just wanted to fit in.

Coincidentally, we transferred together to a different highschool; we both didn't fit in, but for different reasons. He was in my home room. He was friendly and outgoing and always did what he could to try and make other students laugh. I couldn't tell if he knew they were laughing at him. I didn't care.

At first when he ran into me in the hallways, he would smile and try to talk to me. Mine a more familiar face to a boy stranded in a sea of strangers. I would only talk briefly and displayed no emotion, save impatientness. I didn't care.

He eventually caught on to my apathy, and left me alone. He preferred the company of those who laughed. At least an insult was a response.

We were all skippers, but he had been condemned to sail alone.

He twerked in a dance off at a school pep rally. He did his best to get in front of a camera when the broadcast kids came around. He was always extremely polite to our homeroom teacher. He talked a lot in home room. I sat in the corner and pretended no one existed. Before he would try and make everyone laugh, he would still say hi to me. I didn't care.

I joined the chess club for a while. At maybe my third meeting he came in and began to ask the teacher about something. I think it was the death penalty. I didn't care, so I didn't remember. At the end of the chat, he thanked the teacher for his weekly moral lesson. I never thought about it.

He said his morals were different from the rest of the world. I hear he shot himself. He said not to mourn his death but to celebrate his life.

I never did that. I never cared.

Even now, his life is catalogued in my brain as part of an awkward eighth grade year for me, part of home rooms I hated going to, part of a school that made me vaguely uncomfortable. Caring now is a lie, a lie to say I did all I could for a broken soul, that I am only an innocent bystander. I never cared, so I can't pretend that I did now.

I'm not guilty of his death. No one is guilty of his death. The blood is mixed with the dirt as his ashes will soon be. The blood is on the dirt, not our hands. But we walk on this dirt, we till this soil, we plant our futures here in this ground. It's time we all started taking better care of it.

Golden branches, being heard
Second chances, singing birds
Fields of flowers, holding hands
Longer hours, pale white sand
Crunchy leaves, thoughts out loud
Hearts on sleeves, silver clouds
Brighter smiles, open skies
Light for miles, starry eyes
Yesterday's tomorow, today's gone by
Shared not borrowed, the wingless fly
That's what I'd see, if dreams came true
That's where I'd be, there with you

Sailing on a summer breeze
And looking up into trees
To try and find the sky
I like rolling down grassy hills
And things that were built to spill
And how birds can fly so high
I like the smell of roasted nuts
And pulling myself out of ruts
And not having to say goodbye
I like looking at the constellations
And not settling for consolations
But most of all, I'm not gonna lie
I like how I feel, who I am
With you

Driving to the bookstore.
Sky's grey-blue through tinted windows, and the clouds are just grey.
Read a book.
Driving home.
Pink clouds chase the sun away and leave a sliver of moon suspended in the dark swirls .
Stoplight.
"It looks like a toenail clipping."
Green.

I had a dream last night
For the first time in months
And in that dream, I saw her again
I was sleeping, and I dreamed I was alone in a glass capsule floating in the middle of the sea
It was dark, i couldn't tell if the water was black
or red
And the sky was full of charcoal clouds and fire
There was a window type thing open in my capsule
I was trying to figure out how to close it when I started sinking
Water didn't suddenly flow in though
It was a slow trickle
And no matter how far down i sunk,
I had a theory after a few hours there was no bottom,
I could still see the sky and the sea
Trying to strangle eachother
But through the water it was tinted red
And the water was getting very close to my neck
And it was flooding in faster now
But instead of trying to take another breath, I sat down in the water
And I drowned as I watched the futile battle, lighting flew down at the churning sea as it rose higher and higher to drown the clouds
And I woke up screaming
I got in a car
And I drove to her
No phone, no maps, it didn't matter that I don't even know where I am in my own neighborhood usually,
Because it was my fate to find her
Our heartstrings were tangled and I was following that invisible thread
That lead me straight to her
So I knocked on her door,
And she opened it and smiled
The first genuine smile I have been given in months
And she took me inside
And she held me while I cried
And listened as I told her my dream
I apologized for not calling ahead
As we sat on her bed
But she told me she didn't mind
And she stayed by my side
As weeping started turning to sleeping
And when I closed my eyes there

My eyes automatically opened here
This world they call reality
And when I realized I did not actually see my old friend, and that the comfort I recieved was not comfort at all, it was just a wish
And I cried again

Login used to be two words but now it is one
Because people said so
It changed so easily because of a word

What if people said she knows nothing or he is nothing?
Will peoples' beliefs, because they believe them, become reality?
And what happens to the ones we leave behind?

And take one second, one blissful second, to imagine
What if people said she is intelligent, or he is beautiful
Instead of spouting hatred?

take one second, because that's how long it takes to remember what the world is actually like

But maybe that second could convince you
Something needs to change

I have a friend
Who believes
Love,
To love,
Is selfish
But I don't
See
What is selfish
About seeing
You with
Her
About seeing
You kiss
Her

And letting
It go

Letting go
The lies
You told
Me,
The way
You broke
Me
So that you could finally be
Happy

Heaven

The 4 people I love more than anything and everything suffering

People learning who I truly am, understanding me, and deciding I'm not worth the time or effort, or that they honestly don't care

Relinquish the feelings forget the momentary stealing of that silken hand by my own,
It was never mine to take no matter how many times I raked my ******* brain for reasons to touch
To postpone
The truth

It was never the same
It being feelings sending me reeling towards an indifferent you
But different, who touched me first whose fault is it that I am immersed in remembering the shapes of the lines that traced your palms?

My own.

It is all my own.

It's a new year
Along with a new start
2015
But isn't it strange
Now 2000 is just as far away as 2030
Where has the time gone?

He rubbed the lamp
Green smoke
Poured
Out
And he coughed
And rubbed
His eyes
And when he opened them
Again
He was greeted by
"Your wish is my command,"
And he saw a boy
Barely 10
Looking expectantly
Waiting
"Well?"
And the man thought
He thought
He remembered
What he lost
His home
His job
An arm
In the war
His little boy

Then he realized what he could do
Ending hunger
World peace
Give
Everyone
A reason
To stay

He looked back
At the genie

But he didn't
Say anything
And walked away

The genie followed

And the man kept walking
And the boy kept following
And then, without a word
Spoken
The man's wish was granted
Without wishing
He wasn't alone

And maybe someday, he'll use that wish, help them all, but
Not
Yet

Swing me low, swing me high,
Push me up into the sky,
And if I fall away,
Away from sun, away from day,
Pick me up and lay me down
Upon the bed of autumn's crown

A dull continuation of meaningless patterns is how I would currently describe my life
The Internet told me the other day that I was worth 10 goats, and my birthday is this week, but I don't give 10 goats about that
He told me all sorts of things
But he didnt mean them
I would love some variation, meet a new person, go on an adventure
Right now I'm stagnating
And I NEED
Something
Anything
to spice up
Life

The sun feels strange on my skin
After hiding for so long in the dark
And I think I am alone
But maybe not
I don't know
I've never really known anything
But for the first time
I think I'm ok with that
And I'm not sure what to do
Or who I am
And you are all somewhere in this world apart from me
Yet we still found our way here
Together
And I know you don't understand how my mind works
Or even know my real name
But I was never mad
Just lonely
But I think we are all lonely
And there's nothing we can really do about it
Except try to help eachother
And read eachother's words
And try to really understand
Because that's why we write
Or at least it's why I do,
So I can remind myself
That we don't have to be alone

i write and i read
i walk and i breathe
And i will be present
For all of my eminence
But people tend to walk suddenly
In and out of other's realities
No matter how i try to prolong
There  will be a day when i am gone
But please, i have a final plea
Please, when i am gone,
Remember me

It's dark under all these blankets
And right now, the only thing I can feel is the beating of my heart
But that's not such a bad thing
Because at least I know I'm alive
And memories come flashing back
Of years ago, of yesterday
I was little once
And living was a very fun thing to do
And the only high I knew of was on the swing sets
When I was convinced with just one more push, I could kiss the sky
Then I got bigger
And what I cared about
was being funny and my grades
in that order
Didn't even realize no one liked me til I overheard a conversation in a bathroom
I was so confused
So broken
People aren't supposed to be like that
I told myself
It was the first time another person actually hurt me
With a comment I was never supposed to hear
And that she said so casually
Life was hard then because I did not understand people, but after that I did understand I was alone
Then I got to just about where I am now
Went to eighth grade
Found real friends for the first time
In my whole life
It was amazing
I tried to not scare anyone away with how surprised I was
And under my cool exterior,
How joyful, how unbelievably happy I was for the first time,
Life was good to live then, because even though I knew some people could be mean, my friends, finally getting to use that word, my friends, would never do that to me,
Then I had to leave
Started freshman year at a new school
The only person I really knew there was my brother,
And every class I went to, the teacher saw my last name, asked me about my siblings, talked about how brilliant they were, one literally said
I expect great things from you
The whole class stared at me and I shrunk into my seat
I had PE with a few people the only pleasant acquaintance I had made so far was friends with
But the only options for months were pingpong and basketball
Two things I happened to be very good at
One of them accepted me
openly enough but didn't talk to me
But there was also a blond girl
Always dressed well
I wore tshirts and shorts every day
And who would always look at me
In geometry if I answered a question
In PE after I won again in king of the court or bump
And her eyes would say
who the hell do you think you are
That went on for a while
But we're okay now I think
We had CCD together
And both love the theatre
And we have the same lunch
And now she laughs with me instead of that look
And that pleasant aquentince and I
Thank God for his angels
Hang out sometimes  
My English teacher understands me and the librarian gives me books to read
And life isn't inherently  good or bad to live, I think, it doesn't need to be, it's just something to experience, to learn from, so I'll be ready for whatever's next

"No one wants a compliant, subservient little thing"
She said in class
I looked down at my desk
"Trying only to please others instead of yourself will put you in darkness"
They kept talking about Ophelias
How sad it was
How sad
But they didn't notice the effect their words had
Or the girl crying quietly in the corner
But to be fair
No one ever does

She is the sky;
Not just one clear and blue, vibrant as the land beneath it on a summer day,
But also dark, cloudy, powerful and brooding when she is grey
Blue and clear is pretty, and one smiles for it's company when it shows it's face
But the beauty of a tempest is unmatched, as it cries on the earth below in all its grace
The sky gives and takes, changes consistently between its night and day

As does she, as do we all, love, steal, hurt, change.
But she deserves my love and I will never withhold because I love her through her flaws, you through your flaws.

Can I tell you a secret?


She is me. And you. My English teacher. Humanity.

Flaws are human, and human is flawed. I love her.

Summer is great because
I get to choose
Who
I am with
Instead of being forced
To be social
And when I get to
Choose
I can choose
Myself

I just keep waiting for some gold haired maiden to pour her words over me
And, soft as satin, I dream it could happen, the semblance of symmetry
Resembles what I see
Just petals on the sea
Drift gently with the breeze
Drift gently away with me
To settle on the sea

Sometimes words just can't say what you feel
And the most beautiful poetry is

the tears sliding down your cheeks

the memory of being too small to understand anything but a smile

holding someone's hand for the first time

the pain no one can really put into words, when you lose the most important person in the world

The daydreams and nightdreams and everything else inbetween

And knowing you are loved

Each day my soul weeps a little less
Each day it goes colder
Soon, I'll be frozen

Each second it darkens
Each second is an eternity
Soon, I'll go blind

Each breath gets heavier
Each breath is a step closer
To the pit
Soon, I'll fall in

The stars in her eyes
Blind me
with their sheer will to love and to learn
To experience
To live
But the bitter reminder of the creases in her skin call to me
Mock me
"She hasn't got much time left"

They spend their whole existence trying to touch the sky
But no matter how hard they reach,
How high they grow,
They will always be stuck to one place,
Half buried in dirt
I guess that's what having roots can do to you sometimes

He woke up in a white room
Surrounded by men in white coats
Begging his momma for water
And Robin had to watch through the window
As he cried
Convulsed
And the men said no
She had to watch her son
As the doctors pulled the plug
They say heavens a better place
And I think that's true
And I think he'll be happy,
Eating Mimi's cooking,
Watching his family from up there,
But Robin,
Little bird,
How long will it be until you can fly up to your son?

i sit upright in front of everyone else
They don't know my innerfights or my mental health
I spend all my hours saying that I'm fine,
But you know what, things have been ******* me, so im sorry that i lie,
It's not exactly simple to end your killing thoughts,
And it's not exactly easy to mend what pain has wrought,
And it's not exactly happy, not having any friends,
And it's not exactly helpful, just wishing it would end,
And it's not exactly working, loving what i can't even understand,
So, yes, i am hurting, and it's getting hard to stand

You're dancing through corners
Dodging questions and formerly friends
You don't want to talk unless it's a joke
You're too scared to eat for fear you may choke yet again
But you still don't want people's help

You still just won't let me help

I just want you to smile again

The star fell,
Children pointed as it plummeted,
And it was terrified,
It didn't know what was happening,
It didn't know why,
And the only things it thought it would meet wouldn't be very helpful,
The ground, and death,
And as it fell, its light faded,
And a swirling mass of silver and gold remained,
Still falling,
The ground was almost upon him,
But it looked like it was going to pass down through a whole building first,
It went through the roof,
Strange he thought,
I just went straight through, it didn't break,
It fell through a room where a lady in a cast was watching jeopardy,
And a room where it saw a boy with no hair, eating a cup of pudding,
The next room confused him the most,
There was an old man, hooked up to lots of devices, and him in all his blankets looked like a wrinkled pea in a pod,
Who seemed to see it fall, and smiled as it went,
One of the imensest joys it would ever forget,
And in the next room, there was a woman
Her belly was large, and she was crying,
And a man dressed in white stood at the foot of her bed,
Just push he said
You're doing great
And on her side there was a man,
Whose hand she clutched tightly,
Who told her you're okay, Cheryl, you're okay
And the doctor said here she is
And held up a cute little thing
She was screaming and her skin was red,
And now it realized it was going to hit her,
Tried to move but couldn't,
And it entered the little girl's body,
But it didn't go through like it thought it would,
It stayed,
And when the little girl opened her eyes, the light it thought it had lost shined in them like two new stars were born

Today hasn't been the best,
It started out with the girl who didn't mean to hurt me,
I'm not mad at her, it just hurts to see her, but I cover it up fine,
Then swung me by the nursing home to give me a quick reminder about mortality,
I've never specifically cared about my own, but it's always nice to have a reminder that if I ever managed to find someone to care about me too, they could just drop dead and leave me
Alone
Again
Then it brought me back home to **** time, I never meant to waste anything, but it's not like I have anything else to do with it so,
I made some Italian pies to have something to do,
Then there was nothing.
I took a bike,
Listened to twenty one pilots, pushed myself as far as I could go,
Tried to outrun the fact that no matter how fast or far I could go, I can't ride away from myself, and I was just going faster and faster towards nothing,
But, of course I couldn't,
So here I am
Just breathing

I'll make it through
Others have been through worse,
Yes, I know, it's true,
But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt,
But the truest steel is forged in flame,
And the truth of my heart is forged by pain,
I'll be ok ,I have to be ok,
Or else I won't know difference between night and day,
There will be nothing in my chest,
It hurts I have confessed,
But if I stop to dwell in pain it will stay,
And if it stays I know I will go away,
Husks aren't living, but I need to be,
I must keep living, or I'll never be free,
Because when you stop living, you die,
And if you won't inhale, you can't ever sigh,
And if you've never smiled, you've never really cried,
And what isn't real, no amount of faith can buy,
So I will keep living, I'll start trying, I'll stop lying,
To myself, at least, the truth will be known,
And I'll live till I die, no inbetween, No empty throne,
This is what shall be, this is all the truth I own

I'm scared, I'm terrified,
I am emptiness glorified,
I used to remember who I was,
But memories fade as emptiness does
Take over, it's taking everything,
My heart, my soul, now even memory?
My mind has always been all that I had,
Not much room for love when you're inherently sad,
It drives away some, and others don't really care,
Not about me, but I guess fair is fair,
But my mind doesn't matter
Because I'm mad as a hatter,
And it doesn't work all too well,
But I hide behind it, my protective shell,
And now it's cracking, the breaks are nerve wracking,
Because of emptiness's theft,
Because once it's gone, there won't be anything left

I would like to help someone else,
Because then I might finally feel like I mattered