I'm trapped in here,
I can't get out
"Somebody help me!
Please help me," I shout.

I'm bound by the hands,
With steel crushing my heart
I can barely stand
So I just fall apart

I'm giving up hope
Of living happily after,
Of a life spent with her
And all of our laughter.

I gave away my heart
Now my heart won't come back.
Was I doomed from the start?
Or is it faith that I lack?

I'm bound up in chains
Chained up like monster
Still filled with pain
Over the fact that I lost her.

How is it possible for me to move on?
Moving on with out any hope.
Hope died like memories fade, sinking into the dawn.
A new Dawn binding my feet like rope.

Still I am told I must pick myself up,
For who else is there to lend me a hand
Or to hand me a way to improve my "luck",
Though, luck's never made a man stand.

I thought all this time that "us" was a blessing,
The blessing that kept us together.
Instead, now I'm left constantly guessing.
Guessing what kept us from forever.

Now I'm trapped in a nightmare where nothing has changed
Save for the change of a loved one lost,
I'm lost in a world from which I feel so estranged,
Estranged from love, a lost-love's cost.

I cannot escape from this terrible dream,
Dreaming of days long gone.
Gone, I have gone and died it would seem.
Seemingly nothing can make me strong.

11/21/13

You remind me of daffodils...
Oh, how silly life had been
T'was all so sweet, but I was left with your after taste

We live in a world with so much to impress us
so many ways to say things that are interesting or deep
but it's really all just pioneering a finite surface
much like the Earth

We may run out one day
with these short lives of ours
we try to take it all in
and hold all the beauty we can

At least most of us do
many people choose to ignore it all
dying having never lived
so sad....

Either way life is a short moment
and it's best to know your own potential
I never feel like I've tested mine enough
and I suppose that's a good thing

I found a bird inside a ravaged landscape

Contorted faces with the chemical reactions

The product of my own mind

I get trapped here now and again

But this creature breathes stability in a world otherwise abandoned to its own devices

Anybody that truly knows me can attest to my tenacious mental mess

I suppose it is noble that you wish to rationalize the irrational

But this is not a game

Nor is it a movie portrayed with a Hollywood tint

Some things are best left for nature's unfolding

Still

She said she found my insanity offensive and delightful

If I had the constitution for marriage I would have proposed right there

That may be the nicest thing anyone has ever said too me

Unfortunately I can barely handle myself

With the exception of a now and again nomadic turtle

So I let her go knowing I will only complicate

I am only a danger to myself
why make you watch?

Please don't misconstrued

I know my madness is nothing special

But it is mine not yours

You have yet to see true unnerving

I would do my best to guide you to a safe oasis

Still it would fade and shrivel with our collective consciousness

Let someone else do the unraveling
Let someone else make you whole

I try to be a good person

Even if that means the occasional hatred from you

You keep breaking my heart into an infinite amount of pieces, but I keep picking up the pieces and placing them back in your hands.

I hate nights like this. When you want drink so you can drown your sorrows. Make life disappear. Make it all go away. Yet, it won’t last. Joy never does, but that wouldn’t even be joy. It would just be numb. No feeling. No perception of pain. No perception of right or wrong. Just numb.


All of the drinking, cutting and the running away is temporary. It eases the pain for a while but what happened when you wake up. When you can’t get ahold of a drink and the cuts get deeper with every pacing razor. You can only run for so long before your legs just give out. So, then where do you turn?


People tell me to find someone to talk to but people are human. Intentional or not I end up hurt. They are backstabbing, lying, cheating humans who cannot keep their own self preservation and if these people where to ask “what was wrong” I could not answer. I have no answer because I don’t know. I have drowned out my feelings to where I have become so numb I cannot remember why I felt the need to do this to myself to begin with. 
Yet, it is no longer medication to make the pain lesson, it has become an addiction. I cannot stop myself anymore. I am a monster and I am uncontrollable.

I am alone not because I choose to be but because I don’t want to be hurt again. I am alone. I am broken. I am a monster. I don’t even remember what joy feels like.

So I medicate.