I am in constant need of supervision. Self destructive tendencies and little, if any, self control are a concoction that can ****. I think this is why I believed in God for so long. I needed someone to watch me. Somedays I needed that injection on guilt at the base of my spine. Feeling the guilt spread over me was my classical conditioning. I remembered how guilt feels like sludge moving slowly through my tiny veins and I adjust. I stopped believing in God, but the guilt stayed. Beliefs are easily discarded where conditioning is, well, it's still here.

Sorry I made you feel small.
I was tiny and scared.
And I wanted your company.

I've always lied to you.
Don't expect me to stop now.

I didn't know what heavy was until we sat on my back porch and swapped painful memories like Pokemon cards.

I didn't know I would like rain until you poured your heart into my hands as the storm hit.

I didn't know you until I lost you, but I still like the heavy feeling I get when the rain hits the top of head.

Not love.
Lust and Loyalty.

I burnt myself loving you.

Small burns on the tips of my fingers
where I traced the crook of your arm.

Deep burns on the top of my thigh
where you used to settle the shakes.

Ripples of blisters on my cheek
where you found an eyelash and told me to make a wish.

Red and swollen lips
where you kissed me awake.

The worst of it is my charred insides
where you left me empty.
Leathered and black with no pain.
Nerves dead leaving my stomach numb
to the butterflies the next one should have given me.
Desensitized to my surroundings for good.

Burns leave scars.

I remember having the summer to forget

I remember leaving before I was left

I remember conflicting thoughts about taking you home
I remember pretending to be drunk

I remember kissing your best friend

I remember pretending I didn't hear

I remember acting like I didn't want you
I remember saying it was nothing
I remember telling her to go for you

I remember wanting to win you
I remember not feeling attractive enough

I remember stopping when you said you wanted me
I remember pretending I didn't get the next 7 texts

I remember pretending I lived closer to you

I remember pretending it was me in the picture

I remember pretending I liked what you told me

I remember pretending not to like you
I remember dreaming about your touch
I remember losing the ability to speak
I pretend not to like you
I dream of you holding me
I lose my words around you

It's been five minutes since I asked the question.

Now six.

Now seven.

At eight he murmured "sorry."
I suspected he'd say that much, but sorry doesn't really answer my question.
Sorry doesn't give me back my time. Sorry doesn't unsay all our words.
Sorry can't take back the months I wasted pretending it was real.

At ten I whisper "I'm sorry too." hoping he wouldn't hear.

At thirteen he asks "For what?" and those minutes felt like years.

How can I explain it? The faking of the tears, the praying to a God I'm not sure is even there, the hoping that love would figure its way out.
"You are broken" the last one told me just before he left. Telling me I couldn't love and he wished we'd never met. I asked him if he ever loved me, not sure what I expected him to do. Telling me he did wouldn't change a thing, but telling me he didn't would make even my dead heart sting.


"I'm not sure I believe in love." Twenty two.

My grandma died in '97.
She died at home while I was eating a brownie.
A brownie my aunt pulled out of the oven.
It burnt the roof of my mouth.
I went to tell her and she was gone.
I was 6.
She was gone.
She looked so beautifully tragic.
With the hint of a smile on her face,
and wisps of hair that framed her face
you would of thought she planned it.
Like a well thought out suicide.
I'm 22.
I still use her recipe.
I want to tell her that they are perfect
She is gone.
I burn the roof of my mouth every time.

It felt wrong.
The kind of wrong my mama warned me about.
She would sip her black coffee, look over her glasses and tell me
she would tell me what was right and what was wrong.

I think I forgot for awhile.
I forgot long enough to do some things wrong.

It felt wrong, but worth it.
So worth it.
Worth the changes I don't seem to mind

I don't mind my trembling hands
or the way I can't focus  
the way I flash back to that night
where the sky was deep purple
where the crisp breeze of winter was beginning to roll in
I flash back to the cloud of smoke rising from my lips
I flash back later to your hands on my hips and the pain.
the pain that was so unfamiliar yet so welcomed.

I think I understand the way a leaf feels
its beautiful at birth when everything's new
it grows and becomes normal
its just another day on earth
then the world changes it
color and all until nothing's the same
and it's insides feel small
then the wind shakes it just a small gust will do
and its on the ground then under a shoe
no one notices the single leaf that fell
except for the ones around it

I was beautiful and new
everyone loved me and I could love too
but then the world changed my view of most things
my heart closed up
I lost my wings
so when the wind shook me
and tried to make me fall
I resisted and tried but my strength was so small
still I fall and I fall
I am trampled over by the shoe on his foot
making me wonder am I dumber than I look
to believe that the wind would cease to blow
when strength is something my heart doesn't know

There is a special time of year
when nothing is new
it comes once a year. All in all
I've never been more fond of any season but fall

You want to know what I want?
I want to wear socks to bed.
I want to wear socks to bed and pretend that I'm in love with you.

You're making this too hard.
You're making this too hard even with my lack of emotions and your lack of anything I need.  
But, I am finding myself jolted awake in the middle of the night with my socks kicked off.
My socks are kicked off with my bare feet absorbing the warmth of yours.
I have a sinking feeling that I am no longer pretending.
This is not what I wanted.

Beautiful girl, smile because you are beautiful
Beautiful boy, make me smile
Beautiful girl, hold my hand
Beautiful boy, hold me close
Beautiful girl, let me protect you
Beautiful boy, protect me
Beautiful girl, look me in the eyes
Beautiful boy, tell me everything
Beautiful girl, feel free to leave
Beautiful boy, feel like you never want to leave
Beautiful girl, cry to me
Beautiful boy, cry to me
Beautiful girl, lie to me when it helps the situation
Beautiful boy, always tell me the truth
Beautiful girl, never be afraid of me
Beautiful boy, always be afraid of me
Beautiful girl, love me when your ready
Beautiful boy, love me as much as you can
Beautiful girl, kiss me when you want
Beautiful boy, take me when you want
Beautiful girl, let me be a man
Beautiful boy, let me be a woman

Her looks make me wonder
if maybe she knows
the rhythm of our bodies
the ebbs and the flows

I'm sure you said nothing
and  I really don't care
with rage in her eyes
she has begun to stare

We did nothing wrong
trust me I'd know
I've done wrong before
and one feels quite low

You are the perfect fit of awkwardness
between your laugh and her smile
inform her it happened just once
where you are bound to last more than a while

I wasn't trying to start something
you were simply there at the time
just an effortless echo to distant rhyme
that though I wanted it, was never quite mine

I breathe deep but I still want more
my lungs never seem to fill around you
that hazy air that clouds my stare
never seems to fade these days
I can barely see where you end and I begin
I like it this way I think
the air burns my eyes
I know that this habit will be your demise
the air kills me slowly
and you even faster
breathe it in slow and deep
imagine your grave and me while I weep

Dear sort of brother,
I can feel all the places you've been
I can remember your writing in pen
documenting words like love they flow
You take me in like breathing and together grow
just relax I'll get her off your mind
just a couple drinks to unwind

I can see your pain of a thousand nights untouched
Always knowing I know too much
a light in the window thats our trick
telling me my sister has left and is sick
the hospitals change the sick into people brand new
but leave behind a life they once knew

She will get better, she will survive
She'll come home and you'll be glad she's alive
You will love her like I was never there
She will be the same with a lot less hair
the love will be different like a brand new lease
but you'll stay all the same just to keep the peace

My sister by blood I would never intend to hurt
but I lie here only wearing his shirt
We are with her by day keeping her strong and secure
but what what we do at night she will never be sure
I can't say its right but it doesn't feel wrong
She has taken too long

Dear Sweet Sister,
Recovery is slow and it's not your fault
but why should his life come to a halt
I should have told you to run away
when I ****** him on your wedding day
but I knew if I kept him in sight
I'd at least see him on nights like tonight

What I've done is wrong trust me I know
and this time I'll get my things and go
I'll visit just one more time and say goodbye
just please dear sister don't ask me why
I already can't look you in the eye
and after all this I don't have it in my heart to lie.

Dripping desparation
down to my toes
feeling faint I know it shows

Tears tearing down cheeks
still flushed from the cold
into your arms I fold

The cold made it better
I felt almost numb
but what you said cannot be undone

Snow still stuck to stray hairs
and I warm to the thought
between hurt and free I'm feeling quite caught

Still shivering five days later
though the cold is gone
warmth won't come until much after dawn

Walking into a room
I look around
but lately not a face sinks in
any face but yours.

I look not to find you
but to avoid your stare.
I don't want to be with you
I just want to know where
you are so I'm not too near.

Close enough to see you
so when I take a peek
I can see if your looking
and if you want me.

Not that I want you
you're just something to do.
You're someone to talk to
until I get bored
someone to kiss
when the feeling rushes forward.

I just want you to want me
and then I'd like to decide.  
I rearrange my schedule to make sure your not there.
I cling to my friends so when its time to compare.
I seem like I'm better
and more than you deserve,
but the truth is I'm useless
and you're all I think of.

I don't like much about you
except everything I see
all thats missing is your need for me.
So I plan on working on it
to make me real cool
so the next time your looking
I'll be where you are.

Not perfect because that doesn't exist,
but from perfect I'm not far.
I have a long way to go until I'm ready you see,
but just remember that if you need someone
you can always find me.

Skin on skin
eyes on eyes
closed now open
devouring the lies

Lust can live
feelings don't last
need proof
look at the past

Lips on lips
where to begin
always regret
penetrating sin

Sweating palms
piercing looks
awkwardly natural
not in the books

Uncertain movements
Rhythm and flow
scared to death
They'll never know

Scars of passion
hidden with scarves
everyone knows
of lust she starves

Enveloped in lust
standing on pins
playing the game
that no one wins