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Jun 2014 · 570
About me.
LP Foster Jun 2014
I am in constant need of supervision. Self destructive tendencies and little, if any, self control are a concoction that can ****. I think this is why I believed in God for so long. I needed someone to watch me. Somedays I needed that injection on guilt at the base of my spine. Feeling the guilt spread over me was my classical conditioning. I remembered how guilt feels like sludge moving slowly through my tiny veins and I adjust. I stopped believing in God, but the guilt stayed. Beliefs are easily discarded where conditioning is, well, it's still here.
Jun 2014 · 471
This is me explaining why:
LP Foster Jun 2014
Sorry I made you feel small.
I was tiny and scared.
And I wanted your company.
LP Foster Jun 2014
I've always lied to you.
Don't expect me to stop now.
Jun 2014 · 769
Heavy
LP Foster Jun 2014
I didn't know what heavy was until we sat on my back porch and swapped painful memories like Pokemon cards.

I didn't know I would like rain until you poured your heart into my hands as the storm hit.

I didn't know you until I lost you, but I still like the heavy feeling I get when the rain hits the top of head.
LP Foster Jun 2014
Show me someone who can hold all I pretend to be in their right hand and all I am in my left.

Show me something unconditional. Anything.
Feb 2014 · 605
Three Months In
LP Foster Feb 2014
Not love.
Lust and Loyalty.
Feb 2014 · 521
Salt
LP Foster Feb 2014
I gave the ocean eyes so she could see how beautiful she was.
She hasn't stopped crying.
Feb 2014 · 358
Burnt
LP Foster Feb 2014
I burnt myself loving you.

Small burns on the tips of my fingers
where I traced the crook of your arm.

Deep burns on the top of my thigh
where you used to settle the shakes.

Ripples of blisters on my cheek
where you found an eyelash and told me to make a wish.

Red and swollen lips
where you kissed me awake.

The worst of it is my charred insides
where you left me empty.
Leathered and black with no pain.
Nerves dead leaving my stomach numb
to the butterflies the next one should have given me.
Desensitized to my surroundings for good.

Burns leave scars.
Jan 2014 · 918
Reasons I'm Alone
LP Foster Jan 2014
I remember having the summer to forget

I remember leaving before I was left

I remember conflicting thoughts about taking you home
I remember pretending to be drunk

I remember kissing your best friend

I remember pretending I didn't hear

I remember acting like I didn't want you
I remember saying it was nothing
I remember telling her to go for you

I remember wanting to win you
I remember not feeling attractive enough

I remember stopping when you said you wanted me
I remember pretending I didn't get the next 7 texts

I remember pretending I lived closer to you

I remember pretending it was me in the picture

I remember pretending I liked what you told me

I remember pretending not to like you
I remember dreaming about your touch
I remember losing the ability to speak
I pretend not to like you
I dream of you holding me
I lose my words around you
Jan 2014 · 771
My Sorrys
LP Foster Jan 2014
Sorry for being alive in a time where my spirit doesn't fit in the standard shipping box.
Sorry for liking how all the changes felt.
Sorry for crying on the drive home.
Sorry for turning left instead of right.
Sorry for liking the way it felt to go in the wrong direction.
Sorry for singing along to your favorite song with all the wrong words.
Sorry for counting to 4 before kissing you.
Sorry for whispering sweet nothings into my pillow instead of your ear.
Sorry for kissing the air with conviction, but you with hesitation.
Sorry for wanting us more than you.
Sorry... I tried.
Jan 2014 · 424
Would you like a glass?
LP Foster Jan 2014
I've been writing half poems hoping time will finish them
I've drank a bottle of wine thinking that writer's fuel has a alcohol percentage
But I can never tell the beginning from the end nor the bottom from the top
Half started or half finished? Have empty or half full?
Please, tell me you drank the other half of the bottle
Let me know that you read the first half and colored me a vintage
I'll lick the last drip of wine off your bottom lip
if you will read the last line of a poem as an answer to a question
I've been asking you for years if only in my mind
I'm a bottle of wine I can't finish on my own
Jun 2013 · 784
Envy
LP Foster Jun 2013
I woke up to a buzzing in my ear.
I thought it was my alarm
informing me that I hadn't died in my sleep.
Turns out it was just a fly.
Buzzing around as if in my sleepy haze I hadn't swatted at it.
Just flying around my room as if nothing tragic happened to it.
It was then that I realized I envied the fly.
It forgives.
Jun 2013 · 392
Seven
LP Foster Jun 2013
I'll admit it.
I've lied.
I remember each one.
I can tell you if it will help.
First when I said I didn't want to take things slow.
Second when I told you love wasn't something I believed in.
Third when I said you didn't have to say it back.
Forth when I told you I liked the necklace when I wanted a ring.
Fifth when I said I forgive you for being with her.
Sixth, a year later, when I told you I hoped you were doing well.
Seven, just now, when I said I don't love you anymore.
Apr 2013 · 516
Freddie
LP Foster Apr 2013
I'm nine hours away
I'm nine hours away and I can't see him
I can't see him breathing slowly
I can't see him with weak eyes and a weaker voice
I can't see him arguing about going home
I can't see him longing to be better to be healthy
I can't see him
But I can feel his tight hug
I can feel his untamable joy
I can feel his love for his lost wife
I can feel his worry about her
I can feel how scared he is for her
I can feel all of that, but
I can't hold his hand
Apr 2013 · 570
Echo
LP Foster Apr 2013
I can feel an echo inside of me
the grand canyon lives within my soul
a river runs through me
nurturing my extremities

My hollow soul filled in seconds
sounds resonating forth
an echo growing stronger

He filled my soul with music
but the echo seemed short
Mar 2013 · 394
Twenty two minutes
LP Foster Mar 2013
It's been five minutes since I asked the question.

Now six.

Now seven.

At eight he murmured "sorry."
I suspected he'd say that much, but sorry doesn't really answer my question.
Sorry doesn't give me back my time. Sorry doesn't unsay all our words.
Sorry can't take back the months I wasted pretending it was real.

At ten I whisper "I'm sorry too." hoping he wouldn't hear.

At thirteen he asks "For what?" and those minutes felt like years.

How can I explain it? The faking of the tears, the praying to a God I'm not sure is even there, the hoping that love would figure its way out.
"You are broken" the last one told me just before he left. Telling me I couldn't love and he wished we'd never met. I asked him if he ever loved me, not sure what I expected him to do. Telling me he did wouldn't change a thing, but telling me he didn't would make even my dead heart sting.


"I'm not sure I believe in love." Twenty two.
Mar 2013 · 657
A Death in the Family
LP Foster Mar 2013
My grandma died in '97.
She died at home while I was eating a brownie.
A brownie my aunt pulled out of the oven.
It burnt the roof of my mouth.
I went to tell her and she was gone.
I was 6.
She was gone.
She looked so beautifully tragic.
With the hint of a smile on her face,
and wisps of hair that framed her face
you would of thought she planned it.
Like a well thought out suicide.
I'm 22.
I still use her recipe.
I want to tell her that they are perfect
She is gone.
I burn the roof of my mouth every time.
Mar 2013 · 300
I Forgot
LP Foster Mar 2013
It felt wrong.
The kind of wrong my mama warned me about.
She would sip her black coffee, look over her glasses and tell me
she would tell me what was right and what was wrong.

I think I forgot for awhile.
I forgot long enough to do some things wrong.

It felt wrong, but worth it.
So worth it.
Worth the changes I don't seem to mind

I don't mind my trembling hands
or the way I can't focus  
the way I flash back to that night
where the sky was deep purple
where the crisp breeze of winter was beginning to roll in
I flash back to the cloud of smoke rising from my lips
I flash back later to your hands on my hips and the pain.
the pain that was so unfamiliar yet so welcomed.
Feb 2013 · 280
Fall
LP Foster Feb 2013
I think I understand the way a leaf feels
its beautiful at birth when everything's new
it grows and becomes normal
its just another day on earth
then the world changes it
color and all until nothing's the same
and it's insides feel small
then the wind shakes it just a small gust will do
and its on the ground then under a shoe
no one notices the single leaf that fell
except for the ones around it

I was beautiful and new
everyone loved me and I could love too
but then the world changed my view of most things
my heart closed up
I lost my wings
so when the wind shook me
and tried to make me fall
I resisted and tried but my strength was so small
still I fall and I fall
I am trampled over by the shoe on his foot
making me wonder am I dumber than I look
to believe that the wind would cease to blow
when strength is something my heart doesn't know

There is a special time of year
when nothing is new
it comes once a year. All in all
I've never been more fond of any season but fall
Feb 2013 · 6.3k
Socks.
LP Foster Feb 2013
You want to know what I want?
I want to wear socks to bed.
I want to wear socks to bed and pretend that I'm in love with you.

You're making this too hard.
You're making this too hard even with my lack of emotions and your lack of anything I need.  
But, I am finding myself jolted awake in the middle of the night with my socks kicked off.
My socks are kicked off with my bare feet absorbing the warmth of yours.
I have a sinking feeling that I am no longer pretending.
This is not what I wanted.
Dec 2010 · 1.1k
Young Love
LP Foster Dec 2010
Beautiful girl, smile because you are beautiful
Beautiful boy, make me smile
Beautiful girl, hold my hand
Beautiful boy, hold me close
Beautiful girl, let me protect you
Beautiful boy, protect me
Beautiful girl, look me in the eyes
Beautiful boy, tell me everything
Beautiful girl, feel free to leave
Beautiful boy, feel like you never want to leave
Beautiful girl, cry to me
Beautiful boy, cry to me
Beautiful girl, lie to me when it helps the situation
Beautiful boy, always tell me the truth
Beautiful girl, never be afraid of me
Beautiful boy, always be afraid of me
Beautiful girl, love me when your ready
Beautiful boy, love me as much as you can
Beautiful girl, kiss me when you want
Beautiful boy, take me when you want
Beautiful girl, let me be a man
Beautiful boy, let me be a woman
Oct 2010 · 373
Last Awhile
LP Foster Oct 2010
Her looks make me wonder
if maybe she knows
the rhythm of our bodies
the ebbs and the flows

I'm sure you said nothing
and  I really don't care
with rage in her eyes
she has begun to stare

We did nothing wrong
trust me I'd know
I've done wrong before
and one feels quite low

You are the perfect fit of awkwardness
between your laugh and her smile
inform her it happened just once
where you are bound to last more than a while

I wasn't trying to start something
you were simply there at the time
just an effortless echo to distant rhyme
that though I wanted it, was never quite mine
Sep 2010 · 1.4k
Tobacco
LP Foster Sep 2010
I breathe deep but I still want more
my lungs never seem to fill around you
that hazy air that clouds my stare
never seems to fade these days
I can barely see where you end and I begin
I like it this way I think
the air burns my eyes
I know that this habit will be your demise
the air kills me slowly
and you even faster
breathe it in slow and deep
imagine your grave and me while I weep
Sep 2010 · 529
Family
LP Foster Sep 2010
Dear sort of brother,
I can feel all the places you've been
I can remember your writing in pen
documenting words like love they flow
You take me in like breathing and together grow
just relax I'll get her off your mind
just a couple drinks to unwind

I can see your pain of a thousand nights untouched
Always knowing I know too much
a light in the window thats our trick
telling me my sister has left and is sick
the hospitals change the sick into people brand new
but leave behind a life they once knew

She will get better, she will survive
She'll come home and you'll be glad she's alive
You will love her like I was never there
She will be the same with a lot less hair
the love will be different like a brand new lease
but you'll stay all the same just to keep the peace

My sister by blood I would never intend to hurt
but I lie here only wearing his shirt
We are with her by day keeping her strong and secure
but what what we do at night she will never be sure
I can't say its right but it doesn't feel wrong
She has taken too long

Dear Sweet Sister,
Recovery is slow and it's not your fault
but why should his life come to a halt
I should have told you to run away
when I ****** him on your wedding day
but I knew if I kept him in sight
I'd at least see him on nights like tonight

What I've done is wrong trust me I know
and this time I'll get my things and go
I'll visit just one more time and say goodbye
just please dear sister don't ask me why
I already can't look you in the eye
and after all this I don't have it in my heart to lie.
Sep 2010 · 576
Winter
LP Foster Sep 2010
Dripping desparation
down to my toes
feeling faint I know it shows

Tears tearing down cheeks
still flushed from the cold
into your arms I fold

The cold made it better
I felt almost numb
but what you said cannot be undone

Snow still stuck to stray hairs
and I warm to the thought
between hurt and free I'm feeling quite caught

Still shivering five days later
though the cold is gone
warmth won't come until much after dawn
Sep 2010 · 758
Find me.
LP Foster Sep 2010
Walking into a room
I look around
but lately not a face sinks in
any face but yours.

I look not to find you
but to avoid your stare.
I don't want to be with you
I just want to know where
you are so I'm not too near.

Close enough to see you
so when I take a peek
I can see if your looking
and if you want me.

Not that I want you
you're just something to do.
You're someone to talk to
until I get bored
someone to kiss
when the feeling rushes forward.

I just want you to want me
and then I'd like to decide.  
I rearrange my schedule to make sure your not there.
I cling to my friends so when its time to compare.
I seem like I'm better
and more than you deserve,
but the truth is I'm useless
and you're all I think of.

I don't like much about you
except everything I see
all thats missing is your need for me.
So I plan on working on it
to make me real cool
so the next time your looking
I'll be where you are.

Not perfect because that doesn't exist,
but from perfect I'm not far.
I have a long way to go until I'm ready you see,
but just remember that if you need someone
you can always find me.
Sep 2010 · 525
Public Relations.
LP Foster Sep 2010
Skin on skin
eyes on eyes
closed now open
devouring the lies

Lust can live
feelings don't last
need proof
look at the past

Lips on lips
where to begin
always regret
penetrating sin

Sweating palms
piercing looks
awkwardly natural
not in the books

Uncertain movements
Rhythm and flow
scared to death
They'll never know

Scars of passion
hidden with scarves
everyone knows
of lust she starves

Enveloped in lust
standing on pins
playing the game
that no one wins
Sep 2010 · 433
Londontown
LP Foster Sep 2010
I don't really know you
but I knew you last night
I knew what you wanted
and how to do it just right

It felt good to please
but I felt more like a tease
when next you said "hi"
and I just asked "why?"

I don't know you today
so there's no words to say
except that in the moment it was cute
like a deer before you shoot

Your style needs some work
you voice needs to change
your friends aren't my favorite
but you're not to blame

I admit I'm too picky
your just not my style
The situation is sticky
so I'll only stay for a while

We will always be awkward but thats just us
strangers by day then lovers at dusk
Sep 2010 · 2.3k
Lincoln Cathedral
LP Foster Sep 2010
I'd like to be barefoot
just me on my own
walking in this place
I'd never feel alone

I wouldn't worry if they're watching
or care who "they" are
I'd feel the history beneath my feet
when I trace every scar

Floors have memories of that I'm sure
they remember who's been there
and know the power of age
it's never enough just to stare

I crave to feel stone on skin
I see the carvings dance high above
but I want to feel these paths
filled with both hate and love

people have died where I'm standing
but I can't feel their blues
because instead of stone
I feel the souls of shoes

Some crave the feeling of skin on skin
but more seductive is stone
because no matter the age
it's memories that I can't own

— The End —