Kissing him sounded like wailing sirens,
a traumatic experience already in motion

Your Dad was never around to teach you things
like riding a bike, or how to ask for the things you want
so you own a dirt bike now and steal for the thrill of it.
I still think you turned out just fine.

I  want to romanticize the way it felt to feel your presence but always being at such a distance from you,
but its hard to make something so painful sound poetic.

Still, I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it all, just a little bit.

You'll call some other girl "babe"
and I'll change my mind
the same way the leaves go from green to red and
one day I won't think of trauma when I hear your name,
I won't be calm when I sense danger,
and I won't be at peace when I hear sirens wail.

it only took one week for you to re-light the candle,
and it only took me six words to set afire
(i'm so sorry i ****** up)
you were reckless with heat and i was so easily flammable and ******* for coming back when you did

there's always been a whole lot of grey between us
it wasn't black and white from the start
i was always making exceptions and you were always doing the wrong thing,
but making it seem so right

it feels like the butterflies in my stomach have turned into bees
stinging and buzzing whenever we talk and
im far past the school-girl crush, with sweaty palms and shy giggles
my hands are shaky and there's a lump in my throat because this isn't romance anymore,
this is red eyes and fractured ribs.

you keep referring to her as "a mistake"
but i keep hearing you say "i want her back"
and i wish you knew that the more you try to disguise your anger as indifference,
the more apparent it is that you wish things were different.

i will always be the altarboy,
i will always wait for you on hands and feet.
i will never be enough for you.
*i will never be enough for you

when we're tired of sleeping, I'll take you from our bed, and if you choose to collapse, the queen will have your head.
I'm hoping you'll have the strength to keep from turning red, because red is her color, and I don't want to see you dead.
it's only monarchy, why does it eat at me?
we've lived this way for years, so why is my stomach turning now?
I have not seen the stars in the sky in years.
where did they go?
when my body's fading, the Angels hold the key. but they've gone from my reach; abandoned me.

I'm not the best at speaking, but without you I'd be dead.
and I'm not the best at loving, but you're always in my head.

I’ve spent months kicking and screaming
internally begging and praying to a god that I don’t believe in
that you’ll return to me (you haven’t)

it’s a sick habit I’ve picked up- my thoughts so intense that the pictures flash before my eyes of your skin beneath my fingers, our thighs brushing together and the heat radiating from your body
I’m bound, kept in this blissfully torturous delusion, and the way your lips moved against mine that night fed into my delusions-
it was perfect.
I have to let you flood my lungs so I’ll stay afloat;
purge me PURGE ME OF YOUR SIN
the way I feel is unhealthy and infects me from my head to my toes.
I’m chained to you by this feeling of abandonment and pure, absolute NEED (desperate need)
do I have to scream your name at the top of my lungs until it stops making sense to get it out, to get you out? I don’t want you out (the torture I feel masquerades as pleasure too often)
your fingers incinerate me, leaving bruises around my neck (andyankingonmyhair); you have the same desire I do but you’re held back by the chains of your fears and I don’t have an ax to break you free.

I run from every pair of lips that form words like yours- I can’t hear them from anyone but you.
The sun and the moons have all turned on me, leaving me alone in the dead of night to be surrounded by a twisted ghost of you telling me I have no chance with you ever again, but the remembrance of your fingers wrapped in my hair and pulling yanking PULLING, only hours ago, that’s what keeps my heart racing.
I’m begging to be free of the shackles you’ve placed on my heart (I don’t understand why you’ve locked me away like this) but the rubbing of metal against my wrists is starting to hurt too good.
I can’t breathe properly around you. Sometimes not at all.
I’m begging you to close this space between us. The distance is killing me- my heart is slowing, my mind deteriorating without you; this is death.

it’s unbearable, the amount of energy it takes to contain my self control when I’d rather just hold you down and bruise your body even though I know when we’re done you’ll continue to batter my heart.
When you drag your lower lip over my trembling skin (how can I stay still when you’re around?) I want to whisper my thoughts though you already know them (I love you I love you I love you I LOVE YOU)
but everything was ripped away from me and you don’t need me and she’s kissing your neck and whoisshe?howcouldyouleave?wheredidthetimego?itfeelslikeitsonly­beendays?
What did I do WRONG?
How did I mess up enough to have things end like this? I never wanted to lose you but here we are.

(p.h.) (k.k.)

dysfunctional feelings
"I love you too"
exactly my point,
influenced by conformation.
direct deposit
overdrawn enthusiasm
settles my broken heart

i dream of her.
the sweet shell of her body. the warmth that pours into me when she smiles. the predatory feeling that overwhelms when the soft, warm skin is exposed to me and i dive down to sink my teeth into it, grazing the pale skin with only the utmost love. letting go? "i know i cant keep my teeth in your neck forever, but letting go?" it seems like more than just removing my teeth from her neck. the naked swell of her ungodly body making me feel safer than the sound of pouring rain. (that's hard to beat) clear as day i know i want her.
nonoNONONO-**** THAT. I DO NOT WANT HER.
I DO NOT WANT HER.
WANT IS NOT A POSSIBILITY.
my feelings overwhelm me like a tidal wave crashing down on the soft sandy shores that you have a gradual disliking for. i do not want her.
i need her. more than i need to breathe.

i wish i could plant myself in your heart as deeply as you have planted yourself in my head. around you, the possibility of my breathing being normal is less than zero percent.
you make me forget how to inhale anything other than your scent.
i've forgotten how to exhale anything other than your warmth.
you are a creation molded from god's hands himself; his fingers created the sloping landscape that is your nose, your dipping cheekbones, the curve of your lips that expose so much happiness that i can almost see the breathtaking sunflowers growing out from the cracks of your skin.
you were made out of the most fragile porcelain taken from the insides of the most precious Egyptian tombs, your hair painted with the melted gold from the kings and queens themselves.
folding, curving skin.
i can run for miles through this field of ever growing sunflowers, my bare, naked feet leaving a trail of warm kisses as i dive into the flowers and roll, my bare body enveloped in flowers that exert warmth into me.
then there's your lips. (i could go on and on for hours about those lips)
they taunt me with every word that spills out, your cheeks vibrating from the passion you place upon your words. you are warm and lively, nothing more and absolutely nothing less.
your neck vibrates with the passion of your exuberant words and i can't control myself, kissing every inch of your godly body until i reach the featherweight skin that stretches taut over your marked collarbones (marked by me; permanently)
you are more than irresistible and i find myself salivating as i rub my hands over your warm shoulders again and again, caressing them with the intentions of memorizing every curve, every dip of your skin.
i can feel my heart beat beat beating in my chest, striving to rip out and cling to the unexplored crevices of the depths of your body, but i keep it in place as i touch the sweet ungodly shell that we call your body.
soaked in sweat and letting out tiny gasps i cannot find the strength to keep away from your every moment of existence, frantically digging my fingertips into your perfectly molded waist and pulling you closerclosercloser pulling you into me into me.
i bite at your skin with unexplained love (i cant tell you just how strong yet, i cant find it in  me) and you bruise me with the intentions of making me feel every pleasure known to man, with the intentions of making me feel like a queen. the desire is inexplicably killing me because my fingers don't fit into the raw insides of your body and i want them to, i want to feel every crack, every crevice on the inside and the outside of your delicate beauty.
i may not be perfect but ill lace my fingers through your hair and ill put my lips to the sweet skin that is just beneath your ear and ill whisper over and over again in tiny gasping breaths just how much i love you. i love you. i love you.