Sometimes I’m afraid of being sick
Afraid that what I am has a name
Afraid that I helped create a term  
 
Sometimes I feel it
Feel the me that decays
Feel the heart that pumps the rot around
 
Sometimes I wonder if my decomposition can slow
Wonder if my blood needs thinning
Wonder if  I need a leech so as not to rot
 
Sometimes I feel
Sometimes I wonder
Then I remember that this sometimes does not matter
 
Because death is certainly permanent

'at least I'm awake'
as eyes haze over
'at least I'm aware'
but it all tastes like water
'at least I'm alive'
god, at least I'm alive

Sometimes
when I look in the mirror
I want to cry.
I see my flaws
with my ugly eyes.
My legs always touch
and then there's my chest....
it's not much.
My arms could be thinner,
but I'd have to go
without dinner.
My belly,
it always pokes out.
Don't you see
what I have to cry about?

if by senior year of high school
you are tired of your life
make mountains out of mole hills
cut ties with your best friend
because your ex nothing
kissed her on new years
blame them both
don't speak until a year later
tell him you made him
he would be nothing without you
fall for your friends
because you know it will never work
be needy
go to prom by yourself
pretend to rock it
then cry in your grandmas minivan before you leave
burn bridges with your friend group
for no good reason
other than
by senior year you are tired with your life
choose your college entirely on a guy
make sure he is boring
mediocre
and smells of trouble and mental illness
spend all summer trying to make him less boring
convince yourself he is perfect
move twelve hours away
because you don't want to know anyone
hate your roommate
but don't ever give her a chance
get way too comfortable with the boring boy
feel superior
because you're smarter
and you've partied more
steal adderall from the party
because that makes you look cool
give him all of you
mind and body
by that I mean
english papers and shower ***
ignore the signs that he's lost interest
force yourself on him anyway
cry to your friends back home when you're drunk
cry because you are twelve hours away
drink because you are twelve hours away
smoke to stop crying
smoke to stop drinking
don't eat anything
always take the stairs
walk the long way to class
never stop moving
******* are not enough to force up your self-pity
three fingers makes it a little easier
don't look at yourself in the mirror
you are still not good enough for the boring boy
take the blame when he snitches on you
do not fight for yourself
sleep with him again anyway
tell yourself "there is no sin too great"
this is what you wanted
because by senior year you were tired of your life

I sit in my room, staring at the wall.

Alone I sit and watch my blank wall.

Alone in the night - alone in the day

My best friend has slowly wandered away.

She says she is still there, but no conversation can we hold.

Alone..

Quarter after ten; a storms a brewing, but not out side. A storm that festers in my head.

I wait for my reply, but still no one is there.

I feel ignored, I feel no hope.

I text a friend whom talks of food, but still it does not fill the emptiness inside.

I try to write a poem, but no words come to mind.

Alone.. still no reply, so I sit and wait. Hoping that someday a friend may come by.