i sometimes think
that i've defeated the reaper
that lives in my finger tips.
the reaper that commandeered my hands
and made them weapons of
self destruction.

he lies dormant
long enough to convince me
that he's found another home.  
but he takes me hostage
every now and again
to remind me he's here.

i forgot the thoughts
of an early death
and lived like i was planning
for next year.
i've been expecting a future
that i'm not sure exists.

but the reaper has made me
recall the consideration
that i may not be fit to live
a life as long as i would like.

as of right now
i have no plans to interrupt this life
with eternal sleep.
but i cannot promise
that in some time
the reaper will not convince me.

so while he sleeps
while i still have time
theres so much
i need to do before i die.

i need to feel love
without the fear
of that love being expunged.
i need to find my God
whether he be the one
i've been shown or not.

i want so badly
to look at myself
the same way
i look at a flower.
i want so badly to see
what others say they see in me.

i've always wanted
to be something good.
a good daughter,
lover,
friend.

and i have this desire
to help where i can
and not need any myself.
i want to matter
in a life besides my own
and hold value above my worth.

i don't want to
be a burden anymore.
i don't want to be
a pressing responsibility on anybody.
i don't want the few i love
to feel obligated to pick me out of
my own disasters.

i worry i won't fulfill
these aspirations in time.
the reaper will wake
and take control again
this time with the force
of ten thousand men.

ten thousand men
wielding my hands
instead of swords.
they turn my hands against me
as they had been turned before.

this time i will not survive.
such an incredible might
will devour and destroy
this fragile self i defend.

but what does it matter
what i want?
theres so much more
things that are so much bigger
than the desires of a deranged
little girl