although we ended because of so much more,
i always think of the what ifs...

what if you had fought for me?
what if you had tried a little harder?
what if you had opened up a little more?
what if I had slowed down a little?
what if...

but at the end of the day, the results are the same.

as much as i want someone's hand to hold again
i'm scared
scared to open my heart again and share all my secrets once more

i crave deep conversations, yet right now,
i can't seem to start them

i shared so much with you,
more than anyone else
and now, just like that,
you're like a stranger to me

nobody told me how it'd be in the aftermath
how i'd miss you most as my friend
how my heart would ache for that connection
how i'd seek that out again and feel like i'm cheating

nobody told me how long it'd take you to get over me
and how i'd be ready sooner for a friendship than you

how i'd feel like a wreck one day and perfectly fine the next
the aftermath is a mass of emotions,
piled one by one on top of one another

but truth is,
i just miss you for you.

all the tears have flooded out of my eyes,
no salty water is left in those scarlet and white spaces.
like a drought carrying on for months on end,
i'm left tearless because of you.

i feel nothing but emptiness inside,
all my feelings have been spent today.

saying goodbye to something so good,
you,
has left me breathless and vacant of any feeling.

ive entrusted you with so much of my heart
i felt safe with you by my side no matter where we were

i said those three little words,
and now everything has changed.

i see the way your eyes light up
and how you reach to hold me tight
darling you can't tell me you don't love me.

yet you said you were sorry,
you couldn't say them back.

this christmas doesn't feel right or real.
i'm not surrounded by my friends and family this year,
just me and my parents.

and i've been so busy that i haven't been able to fully celebrate and catch up to the reality of jesus's birth.
what a marvelous thing,
yet it doesn't feel real at all this year.

this christmas doesn't feel quite right,
yet through it all,
i'll do my best to be grateful and celebrate this beautiful day.

dear, you have made me believe in love.
i thought i always had, but i believed in a conditional love that could never last.
you make me feel like this can last a lifetime, and i want it to.
its so early, but i love you.
and when you look at me like that
and when you laugh at me when i say something stupid,
i know you do too.
i couldn't have asked for a greater love than this one,
and i'm so grateful for that and for you, my dear.