I thought I knew
But I know nothing
I can feel you baby
Leading me astray
I repeat to myself:
“You are not small.
You are the universe
In ecstatic motion.”
But I feel  small
I feel the universe
Slowly draining
From my soul
Because I know nothing
But I feel everything
And I don’t want to feel anymore.

I’m too sober for those dazzling eyes
                                                    Fangs on my bleeding neck
Piercing into my darkest places
I can feel everything
                                                    Is­ this pain or is this beauty?
From your eyelids clicking
                                                    Am I here or am I nothing?
To my heartbeat prancing
                                                    Will­ you medicate me again?
Temptation
                                               ­     Paralysis
Fear
                                             ­       Fear
I can see you inside out
                                                     Numb
                                                     Nothingness
Numb
My brain again
Your face in my lucid dreams
                                                    Touch me again, haunt me again.

I’m writing this in between
Stints of self-medicating
When the memories scream the loudest
When the heartache feels the deepest

This feeling it feels bottomless
An unfathomably hollow emptiness
A deep dark abyss
From which I can’t escape

Let me start by saying
That I feel like a ***** up
A self-destructive *******
You were the only one that kept me grounded

My heart’s beating too fast write now
Even though I know you’ll never see this
I have an uncontrollable angst
You kept me sane in this crazy ****** up world

You were my best friend
You know everything about me
Even my ****** up daddy stories
The ones I don’t tell anyone about

We almost had a kid together
It was the most terrifying moment of my life
And I still haven’t told anyone about it
‘Cause I thought I’d have you to hold me during the nightmares

But I’m a complete **** up
(Nothing good ever stays with me)
Not my father, not you
Yeah, everything I touch turns to ****

“Light up till the pain gone”
Now I’m quoting rap songs
But I’m inconsolable and it’s true
I haven’t come down since you left me

I wish you could’ve seen the pain in my eyes
I wish you could’ve heard my cry for help
Every time I drank myself into oblivion
All I needed was for you to take it all away

I wanted you to fight for us
To put your beautiful pride down
For just one second and to realize
That I would go to the ends of the universe
                                                        ­                                 for you

I would've swept my self-numbing aside
Not for you but for us
I believed in us and all we were
But I was for us and you were for you

These past few weeks
We haven’t spoken a word
So the dreams keep getting longer
And the aching keeps on aching

I keep telling friends funny stories
My best memories throughout recent years
And all of them include you
My best memories are with you

I realize you don’t want anything to do with me
But I hope you at least look back and smile
I pray that you cherish our memories
..
Please don’t throw our love out of your consciousness completely.

Love,
L

Fighting back tears
Her eyes heavy and despondent
She looked up at the sky for consolation
To try and find beauty in the clouds
But the sky was utterly empty.

Sometimes bad memories don’t just haunt me…
They taunt me
They ridicule me
They corner me
They make a fool out of me
They bully me into denial
They take away my perception
And my whole concept of reality
They make me feel crazy
And vulnerable
And ugly

They break me down until nothing is left but those hideous voices…

But then each day
I hear the birds chirping
And I know the sun is hiding
Beneath a dark sky

I walk outside
To a breath of fresh air
And I know that there is life
Beyond all these fears

I am only as small as I make myself out to be
I am only as weak as the nightmares that consume me

There are dark sleepless nights
But there are also bright vibrant days
And so once I control these thoughts
That devour my insides piece by piece
I will finally have my mind back
I will finally be at peace
I will finally be free
I will finally be me.

And would you believe
      The twinkle in my eyes
              The fluttering in my chest
                      The awakening of my soul
When he spoke those smoldering words
"When I look into your eyes I'm home."

And that was the moment she realized




                                                                                  He did not love her.

In a matter of seconds

I was crying

Without warning

I was curled up in a ball

Screaming

My demons

Gnawing at my insides

Spitting out rotten flesh

Like I was the bad fruit

Thrown aside

To decompose

To waste away

It was pouring rain all of a sudden
The pond looked vast and magnificent
So lonely and lovely
Rippling under a dark sky

The raindrops were thick and heavy
Lulling the chaos in my mind
Calming the quivering of my hands
Feeding the intensity burning inside of me

My chest ached with excitement
In that moment all I wanted
Was to paddle out to the middle of the pond
To feel connected, to feel alive, to just listen…

Listen to the cascading melodies
Nature’s somber soundtrack
Trickling emotions,    pitter  patter
Feel the sorrow of the landscape

Hear the wind’s mournful cries
Sweeping past the tree branches
Feel its soft breath in my ear
Whispering a sad but soothing prayer

It's been awhile
                                                  I'm in denial
                                                                                                       Hello poetry

We were just mindless beings
Lost and running
Flip flops clacking
Hitting wet pavement
Sending erratic echoes
Through the abandoned quadrangle

Crash landing on the hilltop
Falling straight to the grass
Staring up at the sky
We were as light as feathers
Letting the wind lift us
To wherever it pleased

Traveling to other worlds
Rotation after rotation
Blissfully absent
Exhaling our worries
Swirling delicate smoke
Into the grips of the stars

Having intimate conversations
With the lonesome moon
Thousands of miles away
Not the moon but ourselves
We were fighting for memory
We were fighting to be found

Distracted by the night sky
Foggy eyed and distant
Alone and cold blooded
Hidden in the tall grass
We were just mindless beings
Slowly slithering to oblivion

Sometimes as I walk past the parade grounds
And see all the tiny little flags filling its space
And the trumpet man solemnly proclaiming deaths…
I think of what could have been
How your itty bitty hand
Would’ve wrapped around my finger
And your dark brown eyes
Would’ve stared at me in wonder

She is as empty as the grave she buried for you

I''ll try not to obsess over it
I promised not to get mad
I'm not.
It might echo in my mind throughout the day
Tomorrow and the next day
But oh well.
Don't worry babe.

I'm good at hiding things that sting you know..

He was different
the moment he left the hospital
In a moment of unconsciousness
his soul had been robbed

He was left limp and helpless

His only way to regain power
was to stalk his prey
and take us mere humans
in his cold, metallic hands
and crush us
and break us
squash us like ants
wipe off our meaningless blood
make us something less
make us feel the nothingness
in his hard and hollow chest.

His emotions were programmed
when it came to
sad movies,
telenovelas
and other *******

But nonexistent when it came to us mere humans.

I can taste the metallic warmth in my mouth as I bite the inside of my cheek and stare out into the quiet, foggy morning.
I cringe at the thought of the unavoidable dullness that lies ahead and my mind becomes clouded with an inexplicable angst.
“Maybe today will be better,” I whisper to myself with a longing that immediately stings my insides and leaves me aching the rest of the day.

we’ll destroy ourselves
for a feeling
of being completely disconnected
from all of you
from ourselves
we fear you we fear ourselves
our reflections spit hate
haunting us
nightmares of that same face
and running
and ourselves
you are we are
what we’re running from
and we’ll destroy ourselves for a moment
to get away from disasters
mishaps, misfortunes
evils
damage in doses
our restlessness
insomniacs in love
with destroying ourselves
we’re running we’re hiding
as long as we can forget for just a moment
just give me that moment
and all will be well
take me softly  destroy me slowly

Wipe that powder off your nose
And keep killing those boys
With your poisonous emerald eyes
And those venomous blood red lips

Don’t let your nose bleed again
It might give you away
Rich girls don’t cry, remember?
Here doll take some of my Xanax

Drape yourself in luxury
Go buy yourself some diamonds dear,
Go get mama’s ****** refilled will ya?
Stop that frowning, you’ll get wrinkles!

You better marry that man
He's perfect for you, just look at that ring!
Aw my girl's growing up, her first botox appointment!
Don't worry honey, pretty girls are happy girls.

I dreamt we were heavily medicated in the middle of a lake
A rickety wooden canoe swaying slightly
As the wind sent ripples through that massive lake
The sun had gone down and the stars were our only company
Your eyes were focused, dark and lovely staring into mine
They spoke to me words I promised to never utter again
Then as my soul caught flame in those burning eyes
I saw your lips move but I was fading out….
There was only silence as the horizon disappeared
And the water began to move unnaturally
                                 Crack
Something was happening
But all I could see was those lovely eyes

En el agua clara
veo nuestros suaves reflexiones
y las sombras solas y misteriosas
debajo de glaciales enormes

La luz del sol brillante
se esconde debajo de nubes opacos
me da escalofrios de temor
y desaparecemos silenciosamente en la oscuridad

El frio me atrapa en sus manos
con el viento soplande en mi oido
como un nino diciendome un secreto
y el sol empieza a salir

Ahorra siento esperanza
veo la luz vislumbrante del sol
poco a poco saliendo de las nubes
y me siento libre y feliz

I won’t be alone; I’ll just hold my own hand.
Scared
Anxious
But not alone.
I’ll be there to pat myself on the back and say “I’m proud of you for being strong”

Many won’t know what pain my tomorrow may consist of.  Most won’t care.
Meanwhile my heart is a thousand miles away, seeking pleasure in a new and exciting place.

And so it seems, my heart won’t even remember what day it is tomorrow.

But none of that matters, for I am here.
I will be there to hold my own hand.
I will be there to feel the pain.
I will be there to tell myself to forget.

I, and only I will be there tomorrow.
A room full of strangers may try to soothe me.
But I, only I will be there tomorrow.

Powdered face
Sweaty palms
Unsteady
                 Rise and fall
                                       Of her chest

Heavy heart
Distorted perceptions
A mirror
                  A mind
                                 A murderer

                                                                                    “Fix me”

Stained eyelids
Cheap extensions
Broken promises
                              Caked on
                                                Beauty in a bottle


Face paint smothering
Any trace of life
An angel
                   Befriended by
                                             Society’s monster

Happiness forced down her throat
With just a little bit of water
Cosmic Love beckoned her eardrums
To a sandy beach in Guanaja
But not really
Waves of relaxation
As she swayed back and forth
With the wind she imagined
Blowing through her damaged hair
Lights
Lights
Lights
Her body was a serpent
Slithering like the music in her ears
Soul on fire
Eyes like the earth
She painted chaos
With just her fingertips
Alone in the dark
High as a cathedral ceiling
Wandering home
To thoughts of his lips
Butterflies
And ladybugs and fireflies
Smoke
Escaped cracked lips
Happy when she’s high
Happy when her mind
Wanders home
But for now
Levitating
Without her magician
By her side
Alone
Dazed
But happy
Home in just the blink
Of a dilated eye
The dark was all too familiar
And the calls came farther and farther apart
.
But just like that
She was home again
In the blink of a dilated eye

None of my friends
Know I write
To ease the thoughts
Constantly streaming
Sudden waves
Changing tides
Crashing against my skull
Thoughts and thoughts and thoughts

Nobody knows
That I’m behind bars
Caged in
Peering through the tiny
Cell window
Incarcerated
Within myself
With just my ink
Stained hands
And the music that follows

None of my friends
Know the beat my heart drums
When I feel the words
Seeping from the page
Or from the screen
Etching my mind
Twisting and turning
A maze full of mirrors
Or a bulldozer
Carving a path
Through to my soul
Feeling feelings of feeling
Like no one is judging
Just me and this melody

Oh how I love thee,
                                  sweet poetry.

Maybe it was that cold daunting stare
Fists clenched
Cold sweat
Love ******* grinch… was it me?

Did I invest my heart in a shattered jar?
Filled to the brim,
Spilling over with hate..
Slowly brewing a monster?

Trying to protect what could never be protected
Two carpenters competing to fix
A door that never fit
Why am I here?

That instant flicker in your eyes
Spitting venom from parted lips
Seeking vengeance on an unintentional damage
Or was I the damage?

Let my heart be your compass.  Reach my soul in the clouds.  
Let my tears lead you home and my fears etch the sky.
Take my hand, take me far.  

Feed me your dreams and your darkest thoughts.  
Don’t let my mask hold you back.  Don’t let this smile stab your sorrow.  
Guide me now, to tomorrow.

Map my body, travel its curves.  Penetrate my mind, capture its soul.  
Cloud my memory with your voice.  
Sail with me, catch my fall.

Let my words creep down your spine.  Let my tongue caress your mind.  
Give me life and paint my dreams.  
Climb my ambitions, don’t look back down.

Get me high on a beautiful nightmare.  Drown me in lust, ****** my worries.  
Steal my heart and lock it up.
Aim your arrow, shoot it straight.

Even that light that crept through the window
And swept you from my subconscious

That bitter light that pulled you out of my bed
Disrupting my harmonious dreams

Even that dreadful light that crept through the window
Stealing you
Robbing me of your gentle touch

Even that light
Was not enough
To make my morning less enchanting

Alone in my bed
With just your lovely composition
Laying anxiously under my pillow



All that I desire is you, my beloved.

Yesterday is gone.
    I woke up to a different sun.
        I found memories in a bottle.. And let them sail on.
            I ran toward the horizon, in search of something I lost.

But found nothing but a mirror, alone in the dusk.

Pity to those without beat, to the vampires that **** your soul
Wrap it up in their own vain wishes, and sell it to the famished narcissists.

Sorrow to those without flame, those who feed on your failure
Put pessimism on their pedestal, and lust only for a gateway to supremacy.

Indifference to those without serenity, to the destroyers of dreams and goals
Who forge a storm with no calm at its end, and find comfort in a bed of selfish thorns.

But empathy to those with compassion, who have survived the grips of the villains
Still lost but free of ignorance, with humble souls capable of painting happy endings.

Moments we can’t take back.  Mistakes that can’t be fixed.
Just stuffed in a box.  With the rest of our memories.
We walked our way into a box.  With no exit in site.
Just a hole in the wall.  Just a knot in our stomachs.

The walls came crashing down.  Our hearts torn separate ways.
Our souls were drowned out.  By the trembling of the ground.
Two strangers standing in a box.  With no exit in site.
Just a crack in the wall.  Just a tear in our future.

And at once our eyes opened.  Lying there together.
So unconnected.  So close yet so completely lost.
We thought we knew the whole story.  But we knew nothing at all.
We were backed into a box.  Two strangers in a tiny box.

Like a bumblebee
She dreams of nature
Of fields full of flowers
Of life trickling sweetness

She’ll travel the world
With buzzing excitement
With gold dripping wings
And a love hungry soul

She’ll go with the winds
Dance her way over mountains
Scoping lands for enchantment
Moving hearts with her spirit

And like a bumblebee
She finds peace in the journey
In flying passion painted miles
But never forgetting her way home