I’m obsessed with pain
Because pity comes with
Fighting my own made-up fights
“How do you know what I go through!?
How can you possibly understand!?”
I wish I could say those words
Yet they remain locked in verse
Every waking moment I rehearse
Front to back and back in reverse
Cause maybe if I keep yelling
To myself
I’ll start to believe
My own delusions
This confusion
The illusion
That I’m in pain when really I’m not

I want to hurt so that I can say:
“You’re hurting me, please go away.”
And yet I always stay

I’m in love with love
But we no longer talk
We no longer hug
We no longer kiss
I try to get close to others
In the hopes that they know her
But why is that such a bother?
Why am I such a bother?

I’ve become what I hate the most
A parasite and these girls are the host
I leech off their joy
An awful ploy
But no matter what I’m still lost

I’m afraid of love
Cause when she’s after me
I am wary
It’s scary
It’s the responsibility
The fear of loving someone
When there’s none
When there’s no one

Are these my hunter tendencies?
Will she ever stop chasing me?
So that I can turn
And chase her instead
Then neither of us will be happy

I tried to **** myself
Regretful
Moreso, that failure

You know, its so easy to die. Slip into oblivion and say nothing matters. To hide your sorrow until tomorrow disappears.

I woke up with thick grey half moons under my eyes, yellow-grey toned skin, one half red eye and a dozen bruises on my neck.

I dont want to lose the innocence i have left. This is my confession. Hatred burns in my heart, but not just at myself anymore & if it is not my fault i can never change this terrifying world. I feel so small, i could blink & disappear...

But still, somehow, in my absence, in the simple threat of loss, fear and pity enter the hearts of those among me. So vile. So heartbreaking. The tears on my moms face having driven three hours to see me are the worst waters i might encounter. A tsunami of emotion.

Life is pain. Death is emptiness. Suicide may be relief, but failure is guilt.

Is there a balance somewhere?