The night of
the harvest moon
was the night
I fell for you.
You held me,
kissed me,
and whispered
you loved me.
You pulled
me close,
and gently
brushed my lips.
You whispered,
"Are you ready"?
"Yes"
I whispered back.
You kissed me,
and I let you in.

Can’t fall asleep
Awake exhausted with only a few hours of sleep
Mind clouded with thoughts of death
Go down stairs mom gets upset you should have left by now
Put on my makeup , maybe it can  hide my insecurities
Swallow the pill that suppresses my personality
Go to school to feel humiliated
Feel the glares as they stare
Late again ? don’t you have any friends? So try to pretend  
I don’t eat yet I still taste defeat
I have a billion thoughts but can’t find the words to speak
No one can help me if I’m trapped in my own thoughts

Each day begins with

The type of thoughts that

I’d rather not disclose because

You may think i’m ****** or

Just kind of indisposed

I read somewhere the gene for

Artistry carries a Foe

A higher predisposition for these

Thoughts that make me groan and

Some say this disordered thinking simply

Means I’m contemplative even

Intelligent or

Just closed off to the thought of being

Content

Aint that a word

The idea to be content to be

Ok with all the things i’ve done

Satisfied with my work enough to

Say it’s good enough?

No not something i can do

As an Artist I spend my days lying in

Contempt of my own mind

Brilliantly undefined to the point of

Madness

Painting for hours on end

Looking up when the suns gone down

Massaging numbness from cold fingers

Writing pages by lamplight

Tearing papers in frustration

Whitewashing paintings in a fit of

Inadequacy

As an Artist

Nothing you do will ever be the best

Not even your best

A constant crushing cacaphony of all the potential and possibilities

If youre like me you know

Every second you’re betraying your own potential to do better

Every moment not improving is a moment disrespecting

What you were given

But every moment working to improve is hellish

Scrapping line after line of useless poetry and

Smudged up paintings

The empty expanses of echoing thought
My mind quaking and shaking and break-
-ing
How can one say this is innocuous teenage angst?
These lines only express to the power of the words I know how to put in them
My world is abuzz with a cacophony of noises
Each one of them violently wrenching me out
Out of this calm I made for myself
Out of the focused escapism I constructed here
Out of the menial meandering monotonous tasks
A blow to my skull all at once
I sit dazed and unfocused once again
All the senses overwhelmed once again
My head spinning, tornado, once again
I try to wrench myself back but they’ve cut the string
I’m left here ‘til the next time
The next time it all fades away
The next time it all makes sense
The next time i'm one of them
If only for a fleeting bit of time
If only for a single task completed
If only for a moment’s respite
To be like one of them is to be half myself
But in their world half myself is twice myself
Can I ever hope to understand why they desire to live as if nothing is happening?
To be like one of them is to be someone else
To be like one of them is to be enough
And yet to be like one of them is to give up
So much of myself denies the desire to be like them, and so much of me wants nothing more.

I wish I could be happy,
But I can't.
I wish I didn't have to fake smile,
But I can't.
I wish things were different,
That I was different,
That we were different
But we're not.
Nothing ever changes,
And nothing ever will.

I sit here clenching my fists

Staring at this paper unwelcoming

Blank can mean a lot of things but today I cant think

I cant stay alive

I’m sorry friend I need to **** my mind

This paper in front of me as blank as my plans for the future
and every time I try to draw its as sloppy and flawed as my actions
every word I try to write is hectic and frenzied like my thoughts
and I’ve abandoned all meaning all meter and rhyme no longer separated into lines individual but a mass like the demons that corner me when im least expecting like the pain in my teeth when the novocaine wore off I didnt know didnt expect i knew it was coming but i was writhing when it hit just like this and i cant get my mind to slow the ebb and flow because this tornado is killing me the meds dont do much I cant take it much longer!

I find myself breaking down again
time and time again I remember the flaws
the mistakes and the lies
I spiral and lie in denial
i'm on trial in my mind for the crimes i've committed
but no, wait, this isn't my doing
the demon inside of me trying to win,
its goal to vanquish and I wanna give in,
the only way to triumph,
the only way to get by,
is to begin to recognize when its me
and when it's my demons
they whisper and taunt
and tell me to die
sometimes it's hard
I don't know how to cope sometimes
I don't know how to trust
It takes all I have sometimes
Just to continue this ******* waste of a life