I am madness,
and sunshine while it rains
but I am no rainbow
there's no light at the end of this tunnel
only darkness
lit by florescent counterfeits.
I am a wind storm
messy, never dangerous
but always unpredictable.
I have spent my days
worried with things I cannot control
and I so badly want
something I can hold close to.
But I am solid as a rock
and when I approach you
it will cause some damage.
I have known for a long time
that loving me is hard
because I've tried
and even I get tired.
I am clay,
easily molded
but when left dry and untouched
I turn to stone.
It may take some time,
but even a diamond
needs pressure
to be beautiful.

You make me happy.

Whenever I think about you
my face turns red
and I can't stop smiling
and I just end up sitting
there and giggling.

When I see you I
just want to snuggle up
in your arms and listen
to your heartbeat
as you tell me stories
of your childhood.

When I talk about you
I don't really know what to say
because I'm so overwhelmed with
bubbles
and happiness
and giggles
but I could talk about you
for hours
and I want to be poetic
I really do
but I can't find the words
to describe
how the gentle ***** of your nose
makes my heart speed up
or the way your hand fits in mine
makes it hard to breathe
and I could say I want to see
where the veins in your arms lead
when I trace them with my fingertips
but I know they'll just lead me to your heart and
it just sounds dumb and cliche.

What I'm trying to say is
you make me feel a lot of things
and I really like them
but I'm absolutely terrified
of them so all I ask is
please don't leave.

You never loved me
You did not love me
You only loved the attention I gave you
You loved how mad I will get when you ignored me the way you would
You loved the fact that I would drop anything just to be with you and be able to touch you
You did not love me, but oh God, I really loved you

j.f

1:23 am and you want to get drunk off alcohol and i want to get drunk off your lips but i guess it's easier to open a bottle than your mouth.

1:43 am and i know you're drinking and i long to be the cold metal you wrap your lips around and the cool liquid that runs over the mountains on your tongue.

2:15 am and you ask me how i am and you worry that i've fallen asleep but you don't see that i can't even close my eyes without seeing you, without me, and i consider never blinking again if it means i can escape that sight.

2:24 am and you tell me i'm cute. 14 times.

2:36 am "i want to kiss you" and i know your brain is fuzzy and your hands are shaking but when you tell me these 5 words i cant help myself from stretching them out and wrapping myself in them.

2:38 am "i really want to kiss you" and i know you're drunk and i know you ****** me over and i know you've said this to other girls and i know i shouldn't want to but i know that i really want to kiss you too.

2:47 am "i really wanna see you" and i wish you knew what your simple phrases do to me and maybe you do but the only thing i know for sure at this moment is that you are no good for me and i can't get enough.

2:49 am and you say you'll do anything but your intoxicated mind can't see that you've had me hooked for as long as i can remember.

3:01 am and you start to turn away and i feel you getting farther and i can't do anything to hold you in place for just a second longer. i'm choking on my words as you doubt my feelings for you and i can't help but blame myself for letting you slip away. but maybe i never really had you in the first place.

3:19 and all i hear is "no"

"fine"

"nevermind"

3:34 am and i ask you if you know how much you mean to me and you say no and i think my heart just gave up and i think you just gave up and i can't believe you'd think i'd give up

4:03 am and the door screeches behind me (****) and the air is colder than i thought (****) and i have no idea where to go (****).

4:13 am and i find myself making conversation with the rain and the earth is breathing me in and the stars look at me with such pity and i try to drown them out but i'm just a washed out girl waiting for a boy who's not coming.

4:24 am and i can't bring myself to leave this **** corner just like i can't bring myself to get over you and your stupid lips.

sometime after 4:24 am and i can see you coming towards me as a shadow in the streetlights and i don't think you have any idea how my being craves your touch, how my fingers miss the nape of your neck and how the small of my back feels so ******* abandoned.

there is no measure of time when i am with you and your hands become one with my shaking fingers and your thumb rolls over my palm and we are in the middle of the street and i think this is the first time in a long time that i do not wish for a car to come and sweep me off my feet. i think you've gotten taller but i do not feel small anymore, i do not feel empty, i do not long for an end. i think you lift me up and i think i like the way you smell and i think i'm going crazy but it seems to me that your tongue is writing love letters on mine and i can feel our chests moving, breathing heavy, and our hearts have left our lonely bodies and merged as one in the air above our heads.

5:18 am and your touch is a fire that i do not want to put out. but it is raining and i have to go but i think i can hear it sizzling still. i do not think that your beer and **** can compare to the high i get from your lips on my neck or the dizziness i get from your fingers running along my spine. your kiss is addictive and i could get drunk off of you all the time. if only i could.

Dear randy,
I'm sorry I ruined your life. It's just that hurt people hurt people, and you were hurt. I'm sorry you were hurting so badly you had to hurt me. And I'm sorry this probably doesn't sound much like a poem it's just that I can't make this pain sound pretty and no amount of imagery or sensory detail can make you feel the blue green flames of my anger burn every happy memory you ever gave me. And if anger is only the second stage of the grieving process I'm not moving on very quickly because, I'm sorry, but whenever I think of you my brain spills curse words like my eyes spill tears like my pen is spilling ink. And I'm sorry that I, your 17 year old daughter, have to apologize for things that are your fault, because your fault is your lack of ownership for ruining me. You made waking up feel like plunging my head into the ocean and with every breath my lungs drew in more seawater until I was full of it and I was sure my heart was the titanic that hit an iceberg with your name written on it that made it split in two and sink to the bottom of the sea floor I call my rib cage. My every breath became a sigh because I could never get enough air but once I did I didn't want it anymore. I trusted you and you lied and cheated and ruined the only relationship you promised me would last. There is a hurt inside of me that won't go away and for that I am sorry. I'm sorry that when you look into my eyes, you have to see that my tear ducts are so dry it's impossible for me to cry so I just laugh. I'm sorry you have to see the walls built up around my heart and know that you no longer have the keys and I'm sorry, randy, that I can't let you heal. Because when I'm okay, you can be okay, but I am so not okay.