Christmas, Halloween, Easter
These are some holidays you may love
But when I was 5 these were some things
I didn't know of

I use to get in trouble during school
For telling all the kids Santa Claus didn't exist
That the Easter Bunny could never **** eggs
And the tooth fairy didn't leave you money

When I turned six I was so excited
And rushed home from school that day
I only lived right up the hill
I ran as fast as my chubby legs could go
Bursting through the door I screamed from my core

“Did you know
Did you know they dedicated this day
Today, March 18, just to me?
They sang me a song and gave me this paper shaped like a crown”

I held it up as high as my arm could reach
Until it dropped from my hand
When I realized I was the only one there

I didn't know then but I know now
What a birthday is
But we didn't celebrate holidays
Maybe because my grandma was a Jehovah's witness

Or maybe we just didn't have money to spend
On such irrelevant items
Money was only to be spent on the rent
Water, food, and ya know, *****

How else was mommy suppose to relax
How else was she suppose to take naps
After she sipped from her flasks


During the day she sent us outside to play
From sunrise to sunset
And that’s how I became black
At least that's what I told my class
When they questioned my skin

“Mommy needs quiet time so I get to play at the park all day”
“The sun liked me so much it gave me a kiss
To remind me of moments like this”

Moments of screaming and bottles breaking
Moments of hiding under beds and in closets
Because monsters weren’t there
They were right outside our doors
Waiting for us to drop our guard

I could never turn off the light
Because I was scared of them
Roaming into my room

My sister and I
We held each other tight
Because that’s when we were left alone

My mother would leave rambling she had ‘places to be’
And if she came home before dawn
You wish she wouldn't have
Because they both would stink
And be unsteady

She screamed and she kicked
Or at least that's what I did
When her boyfriend smacked her
And I tried to stop him

Everytime he’d say he wouldn't do it again
Yet black and blue covered her skin
She’d tell us to stop when we tried to protect her
When really she should have been protecting us

When I was seven I stopped believing in heaven
And stopped praying to God every night
By that time I had been to multiple churches
None of them seemed quite right

I didn't think that I could believe in someone so cruel
Because the god they talked about in school
Would never use me like a puck
Flinging me around from home to home

When I was eight I started to appreciate
What my sister meant to me
Yeah siblings they fight all the time
But she didn't commit a crime
So I don't understand why she was taken from me

I didn't see her again until our grandpa's funeral
Where she dared me to touch his nose

“Come on”
“Just do it”  
“Don’t be a baby”
“Scared he’s gonna bite you?”

“Uh no because he’s DEAD”

But I did it
I have never felt a rush
From such any icy touch before in my life

And although his soul was a runaway ghost
I wanted to climb inside with him
And forget that death is the end of life

When I was ten I swore never again
To love a women who’s addiction ran deeper
Than her own daughter’s blood

I think that’s when I finally understood
The beginning of adulthood
And it slowly brought my wretched childhood
To an end

I now celebrate every holiday that I didn't know in the past
Money is no longer spent on drugs that never last

I'm not black because of the sun
Or my mother’s abandonment
I'm not me because two people made an immature decision

I no longer see women get hit and believe there’s nothing wrong with it
I no longer sleep in the light because I know monsters don't hide in the dark

The world keeps spinning and life moves on
That's the hardest part to come to terms with

And while my life may have begun with uncontrollable tragedy
The rest of it is up for me to decide

Subtle and quiet
Happens behind the scenes
Amidst the cacophony
Of a million and one processes,
And becomes apparent in instances
Like when one is on pins and needles
Literally and figuratively.

how can you be a perfectionist
when you always fail

how can you know the truth
but refuse to listen

how can you feel so moved
yet not move

how can you feel so bold
yet not say a word

how can you be so full of love
yet never love

how can you exist
without ever living

how can you be you
when you’re never you

i read like a thermostat
i feel cold shrill of eyes
hot blisters of souls

i’ve seen aplenty

fully literate to the hunger
inside denim of men
with twenty tongues

pulling their weight
like untrained dogs

they lick my face to a swell

heating and cooling
my metals expand
silvers contracting

but I can very much tell

who is ready
who is not

some do
some talk

if you'd like
to open me wide like a mouth,
be mean with your smile

to get my thaws down to feet,
**** fire to the wind

with the door
wide open

let
it
all
hang

i’m very keen on intense
i salute a heavy gut
and the confidence of a mutt

an appetite

and if I’m truly your win,
jackhammer
the thermostat
out of the wall

get the wires all bent
and with violence
cement

the
type
of
love
that
knocks
me
dead

completely illiterate
i don’t want to think

he is gone....

night's dark
shadows flit
and shake,
shadow breezes
sing of past
love,

when i kissed him
our love was a bowl
of exquisite rose,

lust ripped at our
bones sunk into
them like a gold
sun's bloom,

my heart remembers
him like a grey ghost
of the past,

worn and unholy,

my love for him
is still a whisper
in the grass,

my love for him,
and only him,
is water and fire,

fire of ghosts that
melt with love,

water of love that
drowns in pools of
steel

for what is forgotten

reaching down to catch
an invisible hand

i am an acrobat
remembering heaven
and love,

a leaf on the winding
wind, incredibly brittle,

for these nettles
i walked in still
sting as i sigh
for his name....