How can you touch her
How can you behold a soul so perfect
That you wonder if the stars are imposters
And still turn your back to the brilliance

You wonder if even death would make you forget
And then realize that of course it never could

Because trees bow as she walks by
As if aware they are watching the performance of a lifetime
And flowers bloom in her presence
Just to catch a glimpse of a true deity

But a coward walks away
A coward tries to dispose of a being
That no reaper ever could
Because death is powerless when it comes to a galaxy

She carries the world in her eyes
But you hold her heart in your hand
And exhale your cold stale words into a fist
With no regards to the only heaven you'll ever know

And even though your yellow residue
Could never tarnish a jewel more precious than any diamond
To hurt something so pure
So many times
Could only be described as blasphemy

You could be the sun in a milky way so bright
That no human should be allowed in its presence
You could awake to a chorus of angels
For the rest of your life
You could feel the wind in a way no one ever has

But now a coward wonders if death would make him forget
Just remember that of course it never could

You know that feeling
Right before a storm comes
Your hair stands up
And the temperature drops about 20 degrees?

That’s what I feel when I see you
Because you ****** me up
You slit my throat
And left me for dead

And when I hear you speak
I hear thunderclaps
I see lightning so close
That I can feel the heat

Because when I hear you
I remember how you get mad
How it’s always my fault
Even when it’s not

But when you touch me
I feel a strong breeze
Gently sweeping between the leaves
And carefully shuffling across a pond

Because you’re my everything
You always will be
And I can’t change that;
I don’t even know if I would

you loved saying you love me

in the lonely mornings, when we were hundreds of miles away; in the rare, rare mornings when we were mere inches away - you’d say “i love you” instead of “good morning”, instead of “how’d you sleep”, instead of “let’s get breakfast”, and it felt natural, and i can’t say either anymore, and my friends think it was you who made me this rude but i see nothing casual in any word you’ve ever used

in the lonely evenings, when we were at different parties at different parts of the country; in the extremely rare evenings when we were watching a movie in my bed or in your bed - you’d say “i love you” instead of “try not to drink too much”, instead of “this movie is great”, instead of “i’m sleepy, good night”, and it felt so ******* natural, and i can’t say either anymore

you betrayed me, you ****** me over, lured me into trusting you so that now i can’t trust the barista at the coffee house i visit when they tell me the price of my drink

i used to be eloquent and i used to tell everyone what was on my mind and i used to never stop talking, now i shrug, i sigh, i walk past people because why would i say hello when it meant i love you coming from you, and i can’t love anymore, and saying hello would make me a liar and i don’t want to hurt people the way you hurt me

and i betrayed you, i ****** you over, lured you into trusting me so that now you probably can’t say you love your friends in fear they would want something more too

in those evenings, i’d say “i love you” instead of “i want to take off your clothes”, instead of “never leave me alone”, instead of “my body needs your body more than oxygen”, and i felt guilty as hell, because it sounded innocent but i have always been a monster, slick, sneaky, waiting to attack, and i don’t say any of these anymore, i just take what i want from people, and my friends think it was you who made me fear expressing my emotions but i no longer have such

in those mornings, i’d say “i love you” instead of “please kiss me”, instead of “i already miss you”, instead of “i can’t stop thinking about you”, and i felt  disgusting as hell, and i don’t say any of these anymore

i hated saying i love you

You asked me "What's wrong?"
I asked you to count with me
One
One day you just stopped coming around
Two
Two days have passed since my last meal and I'm still staring down the toilet hoping to empty whatever is left of me
Three
Three words repeated over and over I love you I love you I love you I love you
Four
4:00 a.m. showers letting the bathtub flow over hoping to drown the girl I hate because that's the girl I have become
Five
Five bottles down moving onto number
Six
Six daisies making a chain around my neck like a noose holding the measurement hoping that I'll at least be pretty when I die
Seven
Seven days every week I didn't want to get out of bed because how could I try and stand on solid ground when I'm sinking and everyone else around me is flying like
Eight smoke rings escaping my lips as I wish that maybe my last breath will float up with it
Nine
Nine hours I should be sleeping but instead I stare at that pill bottle did you know that
Ten out of Ten doctors will prescribe you with pills if you're even the slightest bit imbalanced in the brain
Nine
Nine years of prescriptions piling up ignored in fear of becoming a monster like the one they're trying to create
Eight
Eight cancer sticks at the bottom of my bag because addiction is addiction because it hurts the same
Seven
Seven minutes I count over and over did you know that's how long it takes to die by hanging I know because of
Six words you said
Five years ago "Why don't you just go **** yourself"
Four attempts in one month why can't I just die
Three
Three hours spent sobbing on the bathroom floor with
Two bullets in
One gun shot bang!
Zero
Zero chances left

The freezing
Burning
On my wrist
My hand goes numb
My heart beats fast

This isn't what I want
But I guess I can settle