My god I really ****** up
How can I not have seen
His poison sinks into my lips as I lay
writing
I warned him of my vacant lies,
My tasteless, cryptic scars
I should've help my passions near
And loved him from afar

Now all I see through open eyes
Unfocused in the dark
Is his crooked smile I wish he knew
Reflected my crooked heart.

I said I wouldn't write about you
                                                            b­ut who am I
           to strip myself of what makes me live
in art I've surfaced my own sins

                                                           ­                      and some of yours.
                                                          ­                                         I suppose

I've taken space you've asked of me
                                                     needing to blockmyface
                                                     ­                    whenyouonceplaced
           my name into your skin

in a quiet champagne trip and
                                                    Gold
indente­d ribs

                                          Take a sip.

If it's "poison" that touches your lips

                                  THEN you could've skipped
                                                         ­              dipped
                                                          ­             flipped   me onto the piles of rubbled                   glass
torn from your walls
placed carelessly cornered or left simply to fall
                                                            ­                                       switched in
flip

some contorted reverse
                                            though my heart refuses to pin you as
                                      Perverse
     when these colors emerged


Two Years of swells i Chose to forget
                                                  each time that i stayed when I knew

i should've left.
When Everybody told me                      Better was Mine
                                       I wouldn't give in to believe that your heart was
                     Unkind.

From the moment I knew I'd clutched your stairway-ed arms
to
                 Ease My Ailing,
sweaty palms in driver-ed cars
Kermit Ruffins and philly beer bars
roller coasters, Christmas lights
                           endless pen-streamed journaled binds
An unopened book
                         pages still blank
                  more than a stitch to ease the pain of your name

   though i mustn't Complain
                                                        ­             ...and I still can't Rejoice

But I'll watch the sunrise through Uncommon windows
              trace folds of your fingers -- sweet struggled wake on your pillow
                            and dance foreign waltz in clipped black-wig nights
           plated sweet nourriture to watch your delight

Watch you dance decorated as I set in Pride
                                hold me to standards --yet bend when I'm Right

Speak to me softly in quiet teared nights
         tell me I'm beautiful when femininity cannot find
                                                            ­                                                 me
Drape me in curtains of love and Security
        Fit so Securely in the curves of my body

Smile in shyness--like absence of tongue
                as your cheeks lift to hide your eyes
                                                            ­                                  in thin rungs

Gold plates of your stomach and skin over hips
           saying my name through pleasurepursed lips
Pounding the pavement in carouseled times
  
not only Read, but Returned all my rhymes

The fortress is daunting
                     I'm brooding and swift
Sometimes the brick slips but the flips never Switch

So if russe folk dances and stealing lost tea
                     causes your coldness, just slightly, to bleed
                                       Remember what I did
                                                             ­                     --to, your troubles, ease
                               Don't say for this new year I didn't
Prioritize your Needs
                                       MARRY THEM, by all of all means
i never pushed you to choose, instead, me

I've learned my doors close,
       i woke to realize
                                             when those i thought open I faced and
                                                                ­  denied

because nothing matches the pulses and start
                  --the warmth in my chest when your palms
                                                                ­                                 press my heart

that's why with your Run i cannot understand
           feelings and highs
                                                           ­            unsustainable lands
I never demand     -       I never imply

                        but im also neverwrong
   and i can't shake  

                                                        ­                                         You and I.

If my body is a temple
I built it for you
Let you dwell in every room
And corner cribs of cobwebs
Because with sideways glances I’d swoon

I am all for you

I let you set chests and nests and hang pictures of us from the wood of my ribs
Snapping in northbound hotels
Bottles and swells of love
In upcoming absence
Never a doubt

I slipped and I fell and I didn’t do well for you
I know
I know

But before you gave me air to try
To prove that you and I were something good
No temporary high
You tore the shots from the splintering cage
You had recently laid
With me between

Now my bed is as empty as the halls of my body
This temple is nothing but rubble and sully
You said you would love me
You said you would stay
I patiently rode all the swells of your waves

And I’m sorry

I’m sorry the briars that join at my chest
Weren’t polished or silver
Or quite good enough

for you

I’m sorry you couldn’t make a home in me
I’ll curl to your voice and plead you won’t leave

Forever

If you weren’t us
You’d laugh at us

I wish I could believe it as I careful pried vessels from saved beating security
Reached into my chest
And gave you the very best
Of me

I wish I’d been enough

I wish you would stay

My hollowed out beatless heart
Reeks of decay

Of the chance I took on you
So sure
I was sure
I was sure
I am sure

You’ll come back to me

But I’ve always been good at lying to myself
False hope and future blows seem to
Silence the swells
As my life and my love drains in lines down my face

I never thought loving you meant you would break

Me

I’ll still think of Little girls lying in daffodils
Every lit candle, and egg white whiskey sours
And warmth overcoming
The sleek of your skin
I’ll still feel you running
From The weight of my sins

And I’ll be here in patience and kindness and wait
Even though when You ended me I couldn’t take
It

Please stay

But you’ll leave they all leave I’d said nothing to pay
The price of my toll causes none to delay
I’m sorry my head held shadows in corners
And doubted yourself
When facing my currents

I’d reach out and say I’d be better to you
I’d try with my might, all your mountains, to move

It’s you from the wreckage
The scars
And the war

It’s you who’s stayed standing at the stage of my fronts

I’ve seen you forever like none before
And that’s why, though I cried,
Please still know that our door


Is still open



                                 if you change your mind

What’s stopping you?
     howmanytimesareyougoingtoaskme

The reflection in the mirror talks back
a slap
in the face of my own draining placid fervor

      howamisupposedtodictatethroughthemuddled

Point central yet not centrifugal

   look like i always know what i’m doing what’s the next step what’s the higher trek the place the time the track the automation the rotation the pedestal

      constructed of sturdy insecurity

    ihavenofuckingclueihavenofuckingclue

     if energy cannot be lost where are my efforts left vested

     “if Any body, it would be you”

theyallsaytheyallsay so

        entering as my facade fabricated intricated interrogated berrated defiled demolished shredded left

     fordead

i’m working on it i’m working on it

More to come

asmileadrivealonelynight

         atemporaryhigh
            
                                     ­  capitalized.

I hate how I succumb to your every
incline
Subdued by the laugh that emits
through your eyes
The weight of your body pressed hard
on my chest
I know not now what I would do if you left.

But you leave.

You are leaving.

You leave me in ruins each time we exchange
For my wanting is higher than the price
you paid
How am I to know if your mind ever
swayed
Past the point of a one night you wish
I had saved

                                               For you.

There's two that'd give two on the bet
that we'd work
Though my fear-stricken mind paints these claims
as absurd

You're not what I want

You're not what I want.

Then why am I sitting here wondering what
                                                            ­                                 you taste like

I threw down the pen as I wrote these words
I wanted to Lie
But they wanted to be heard
What feelings of body from you
I could've learned

Would I have wanted to go there?

No.


NO.

Oh god no, I do.
To see if your colors held
new shades of Blue.
I couldn't to my own intentions stay true
I wanted to because
I thought
                                                       I couldn't love you.

so holding on to loose-knit limbs held only by the thought
That maybe one day your own gates

will not be iron wrought