my feet are reluctant
and bare
the snow curdles under my toes
i cannot feel them anymore
i don't know why i am walking
in this direction
towards the cemetery
where your body lies
but resisting is hopeless

sometimes i wish you were ashes
because all i can do is imagine
what is happening underground
alone
your vanilla skin purpling and grey
your plum lips picked too soon
now shriveled lines
ice covering your eyes
that used to reflect your thoughts
and that
there is no one to cradle you through the winter

other things i will not say out loud

but no matter what we try to believe
you are not on this earth anymore
so why bother pretending
it only fills me with grief

in the midst of my solitude
i see the moon
his face plump and hopeful
But look closer and notice
how his eyes point downward
and his mouth quivers
he is beautiful but melancholy

in the midst of my solitude
i see the moon
full of woe like me
he knows his fate
that with every orbit
from this world in his sight
he is drifting away

in the midst of my solitude
i see the moon
his eyes say what i feel
sharing in my pain
he still glows every night
i am not alone

Goodbye my moon
have a safe slow trip
i know it is out of your control
i will always remember you
though my body may be gone

everything cannot stay.

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

run your hand across my back
it feels rough I know
I've lived longer in my mind
than can be measured in years
still my body takes a toll

I try to smile when I see you at the end of the hall
but moving those neglected muscles
makes me shiver round my bones

take me down to that river near the cemetery
throw pebbles at my heart
and laugh with those sadistic eyes
how beautiful they are
I could never forget...

when I inevitably give in
reach back for your hand
and wrap your fingers in mine
you must know
I'm accepting flowers from the devil
baby

the devil never lets go of his hold

here in this perfect paradise of endless and colorless
I fertilize the white soil with my devastation and solitude
and plant a garden
tall stalked flowers and bushes of ripe berries
pop up between the parallel lines

my body is like an orange
outside I am bright, spontaneous
but peel back my skin
oh, feel it old and withered for its young age
even though I was only just picked off the tree
and you will find the strings of pale yellow
slowly breaking apart
confused, a nostalgic color
inside I feel boring and I am sad
it only takes a peeled layer
a whiff of muggy air
and I am drifting out of my sight
in tears
leave me here to rot