marred by the ocean my attention drifts
rage reverberating in tension shifts
black ice to fill my heart
connecting body parts
I'm on a different plane

two suns
her eyes set the room ablaze

sought in concept form
she of attention darting
someone often dotes

and you breathe deeply
take in the salt water air
fill your lungs until you are
nothing but distant
matter doesn't matter
I find myself a
soulless mollusk
to a homeless pearl

You're stuck carving paths in mud
with steps that never stick
no shorts under my dress
and headphones in
never checking for cars
I'll brave it
the only chance I'll take on the world
you can be the belle of the ball when you’re there
but every night walk home alone
with make up half on
and a crestfallen face
trading pointy heels for ****** flats
hoping one day people will love you for your dedication
and not your presence
meet faces you can’t name in an hour
and names you hope you’ll never have to face
because I pretend I’m too classy for barefoot and ******
I’ll go to three debates in a night and debate if it was worth it the
whole time

I don't think I have ever known a love so sincere
With every passing day I find life a little brighter
Its definitely the people
The atmosphere
The opportunities around me
I don't think I have ever known a freedom like the state I'm in now
I don't even have to try
I fit
And I don't think its ever been like this before

now I'm tripping over words
I don't remember saying
I'm fighting imaginary enemies
created by someone else
still, I'm running on highways
and its driving me crazy
my shadow no longer lingers
I let my tongue
slip
and now it won't stop

They exploded
Bursting and booming
Popping with color
Their smiles lit each other up
Etching their imagine into the air
They caused an uproar
A dynamic duo burning out
Living fast, lovers star crossed
They devoured the dark
They tore the sky apart
Leaving only smoke in their wake

How many quiet corners to hide
I am hallucinating
I wanted to test it
Five days before I felt again

I pick a number
And then I attack it with color
Clean lines but aggressive strokes
Repeat repeat repeat

I swear if you yell at me one more time saying we’re leaving in thirty seconds—I’ll just take a full twenty nine

I won't ever ask for more
complaining, saltwater bitterness I will endure
Have you met me?
observe such a pretty face
cares not for creatures but reflections
that smile back with the warmth of a star struck harpy
blessed to shine another flashlight on an award winning blaze

house of lions, cave of killers
pacts in blood, souls signed over
give me pardon, pass me up
cast me from a towering throne
turn my back on a kingdom
hardly valued more than bones
built on turned coin
the backs of its people
little more than dust

not enough
nothing, everything
maybe too much matters
I get lost somewhere in between
trapped inside
a suspended state of tension
know me, slowly
softly sway
float through
a warm glow
frozen solid
soul to core

a building primarily constructed
for ornamental beauty
how foolish
suggesting purpose but lacking
substance
structurally sound
a majestic feat
built on rubble
and looked upon
with longing
time wasted
on folly

I'm not so good
At sweet sympathy
I see your crestfallen face
My darling, desolate heart
My soul cries out for you.

Though I try,
My attempts are veiled by
An apathetic mouth that betrays
An empathetic mind
My feeble attempts at comfort
Are overshadowed
By your natural solicitude
And concern for my steady stream of
"Problems"
I ache to be there for you
But once again, I am reminded
Of my extensive shortcomings

And suddenly I've done it again
...it's always about "me"

they burned my mouth
shattered my teeth
with the everlasting taste
of dreadful stillness

*I'm longing for it.

Another Saturday spent wallowing in self-pity or in other words
in an empty house
Viewing independent off-beats I know you wouldn’t recognize
and still
I watch the driveway counting headlights as cars pass
Would you hate me if I said I didn’t want to see any facing me?
I swear if we go bowling one more time I’ll lose my mind
Solitude as my surroundings
I’ll eat prepackedged desserts and drink too many sodas
I doubt you even know that
Chocolate ice cream messes with my stomach
Irrelevant, I’m sure
Why does it matter if I mow the lawn tomorrow instead of right now?
Hanging self imposed deadlines over my head will get you nowhere
But as you know, it’s just another weekend at the Johnson residence.

Because it’s been months or years
since you or him
and I don’t know if there will ever be an us in my future
but the mechanical thunder of my air conditioning unit sparks up conversations with the air more efficiently than I can ever hope to develop such a skill in this life time
and that’s my reality when I wake up every morning dreading the day
things stop working out
and I finally listen to more than three artists and achieve
all of the hopes and aspirations
I’m capable of but haven’t conjured up in my mind to set my sights on and work towards with every sliver of my essence as I did with convincing someone else I’m worthy of not only their love but my own.

round silver rimmed frames fogged over
the intensity of a moment
he doesn't even see me
I am the moment
no longer am I a body among the masses
but a void, a whisper of a form
progression to salt rattled hair
plastered sweaty wet faces
painted in a scene of indie rock perfection
of a warm yellow button down over graphic tee print
shadowed against a black box
an icon crossing the length of the floor
two feet up this legend towers over me
the same unknown artist first to break the venue
then the chasm's sound barrier
He doesn't register my essence as he spits prophesy and misery
onto my lips
I taste his pain, his liquid energy
a romantic disgusting moment
shrill rages unbeknownst to him
I watch this fire breather feed smoke to a weathered metal trumpet
in between verses
his lyrics make love in the chambers of my heart
yet
a boy yawns as this man confesses devotion to the dark through a solo moment of past misery and heart break
it is messy and beaten
battered and degraded
together I stand not a foot away
close enough to kiss the microphone cord that dangles my face
toying with my nose in a way verse seems to surpass
we point back in agreement to every word he gifts us
agony never felt so comfortable

The second I stopped thinking of you
Was the moment the world took note of me

I’ll sit on this ledge and debate if I should jump
or merely throw my book over the cliff side
with the strength of a major league pitcher.

The temperature will be just slightly too low to find comfort and the cement I lean against will only add to the wind chill.

The people will walk like ants in the distance,
always moving,
going to some unknown location.

And I will watch from my perch,
wondering if they too see me,
or have any recollection of my presence.

I will pack my bag with the book I regrettably couldn’t chuck
over the side, and will aimlessly sit with my thoughts
not given the permanency of written existence.

Instead, they will grow in my head like seeds
drowning in a surplus of watering
where I will deny them the roots to take hold.

And that is where they will stay.

The only reason I feel strong
Is because I’m stronger than I was
Before

-girl at the gym

writing is "sub-par"
our words are "mediocre"
so just shut up please

its a heaviness
like muscles tight after
sixty minutes of cardio
inside my lungs
removed from the heart
pounding
but empty
in an cavernous space
large enough
to echo through the void
the accelerating thud
that holds me in its claws
clenching then releasing
me into nothing
I am pieces
my soul
longs for an occupant
and beams
like a neon
sign that flickers
"vacant"

tell me how we go
say it is self destruction
I'll take you with me

For once in my life
not knowing
has become more comforting
than worrying

The devil is in the details
(Or at least inside my mind)

I smell perfume in the air
on your breath
in your hair
I will myself
to embody
mind and soul
fervor--full
heavy lashes
flutter faulty flicks
hang my out heart
just for kicks
your disposition
counteracts
a weak proposition

it takes one soda to break out
painful monsters I cover up in the mornings
and one reminder of you to spiral back
into childhood emptiness
bumps under the surface
eighteen years then I was free
two more and you ceased to be

my love's found in the moment
where there's sunscreen sprayed in the kitchen
sticking to the hard wood
of sprayed fumes in an empty house
where bodies abandoned
in favor of kayak boats
that may or may not float
once, no, twice patched now
confidently ****** from the ramp to the water
at a run down marina
chosen over the serenity
of the murky swamp solitude
but my love doesn't stay put
the creek, she follows
but turns where streams diverge
away love goes on course, off path, of course
love took off from the launch point, left me in her wake

opinions are like papers
read and then graded
I'm closest to the people I keep furthest

she's home for the holiday
and so am I
the difference is, however
that she came from some place
and
soon she's going somewhere new
Yeah, I made it out
but now that we're back
and nothing's even changed
she climbs a different mountain everyday
while I stumble down the same hill
I've been going at for years
so while she's cutting ribbons
I'm cutting class
(but not really, because I still care too much to do that)
metaphorically speaking.


Its like high school all over again.

they say to give in secret
and so I do
you say I'm not giving
it makes me sad
when I do give
and you praise another
for my hidden efforts
you say I don't give
but I'm giving in
to self doubt
and I'm this close to giving up
so if that's not giving
then I don't know what is.

you find your place in surfboard suburbs
moving in circles
and you are water
existing in multiple different states
only one of which is mine--
Virginia

the paint is peeling
but magic runs up the walls
a cubed room is spinning
my body flips as I'm face up with the hall

the way he said "we"
made me think that I
could be something more

you can train the trees he says
as a pair of garden shears take hold
and snip the lengthened limbs that stretch toward the house
guided not in
but up and out
the branches will follow
and I stand eyes fixed up from below
arms raised high above my head to steady the ladder
his feet find balance in
and I wonder
what would have happened if those synapses hadn’t been pruned?
would the evergreens still grow or reach new heights
had they not been subject to their sapling surroundings and watchful eye of the gardener?
what would I become if left up to nature's desire
unaffected by the calculated, planned attendance of the caretaker
would that fate still take root?