But I don't even know anymore,
am I filling holes in the walls
or painting white splotches on blue skies?
It's all subject to the opinions of passerby

Make your own meaning
Still never really changing
Cliches inspire

floating little bodies of restless energies
sugar bound
half-crazed still beating wings
only visible in vibrations
timid to the world they're caged in
a tiny flutter heart
I find myself wanting

Look at me
See how I smile right at you!
A grin stretched across my face
Reflecting your happiness right on back
I am what you expect to see,
A reflection, no surprises
But don't you dare peek through the other side!
Stare right through me, discover the trick
And really I'm not so joyful at all

hello ebb
mystic waves with
a rhythmic crash
off sandy shore
spring forth
bubble and oxygen orbs
foam and burst
gurgle up
toward the crest
little silver sliver
spoon in mouth
maybe this will tip the scale
a numbness captivation
from sensory deprivation
hum bliss
barely on board
I am here

oh how I seem to fall into patterns
I don't care for history
but I constantly repeat my mistakes
same meaning
different people
different words
same habit
my sick and twisted nature
I'm so good at hiding myself
and ripping others open
they don't know that I know
that its intentional
I'm aware
I know
and it hasn't changed

I am lying in my bed
Popcorn ceiling above my eyes
Sitting in on private thoughts
Not meant for me to know
And I feel pain and I feel heartbreak
Though none is for myself
I shouldn’t be here
in my room
Catching late night conversations
Shared between two who know love
I’ve never discovered
In two weeks they’ll never sleep alone
I guess I will
My role a witness
Present behind headphones
I dare not turn the music off

They smell intentionality on my skin
******* it’s way into relevancy

I don't understand what you're trying to say
These letters don't form words
Into thoughts formed from fragments

I don't understand what you're trying to explain
Your ideas and suggestions make no sense to me
You may have a point, but I can't figure it out

I don't understand what you want me to know

Your lips, they taste so incredibly sweet on mine
Like rays of sunshine or of purest wine
I want to bask in your wonder, savor your smile
I long for your arms to surround me in thunderous showers
I don't need romantic gifts or silly little flowers
I want to soak up all your beauty, listen to you dreams
Take on half your problems, as you have done for me
Meet the my final hour with you at my side
You're with me in my fury, in my devilish delight
I ache for you to be near me, for your whispers in my ears
Hold me close to you, save me from the tears
I want to truely see you, be around you all the time
Fore when I'm left alone, I lose the best part of me
That you helped me to become

(I don't need you to complete me,
But without you I'm not full,
And with you hand in mine,
I love you that much more)

ten shy of the century mark
ninety decades, four generations
four stages away from healthy
where did the first three go?
two months to fade
one moment to take, it takes forever
Hoping for three, God give me *one

If I could be slightly more than I am now
If I could be more intelligent
If I could be more trusting
If I could be more forgiving
If I could be more caring
If I could be less self-centered
If I could stop comparing myself to the unattainable accomplishments of my sister
If I could let those who care about me get close
If I could be a little bit better at math
If I could commit
If I could be less dramatic
If I could be less emotional
If I could stop pushing everyone away
If I could fix myself
If I could stop writing everyone off
If I could keep friends for longer than a few years
If I could be just a little bit better

I hold my breath
counting off
as laden eyelids fall prey
behind enemy lines
my psyche hides
complacent to
lend an ear
alert to the whisper
of biting truth
so subtle I barely feel it prickle
but it is there

blood moon in the distance
drinking cider by the courthouse
blowing out the speakers and the candles
I wish it all away
with the autumn leaves
I leave in winter

the same costume every year
who needs a better excuse to done a cape and feel heroic?
saves me beyond October 31st
doesn't depend on masks
a marvel to behold
an even better stronghold of security
she lets me in but holds fast to a double life

It's. So. Loud.
Voices reverberate in my head
The echo is deafening
I'm not crazy.
A siren is blaring in the distance
But the outside noises don't resonate
And it's so loud inside of me
Peace of mind is just an imaginary state
That I don't have the capacity for
And I'm not crazy.
But the road won't stop spinning before me
And my thoughts still lack shape
Yet here I am
And they won't leave
I am not crazy.

All I want is to go home,
but the last thing I need is to see you.
So where does that leave me?
The parking lot.

You waste time soul searching for answers
But mine just craves meaning

Smear the lines of temporary beginnings
I’m unsure where to start
My journey goes on and on and on
but yet
I’m unsure where I start

I hate my name
I hate the way he says it
With so much ferocity
I hate the way his tone tears me down
I hate the way he says my name
The way it sounds separates my body
From my mind
I hate the way it feels
I hate how my name destroys me
It keeps me in my place
I hate the way it traps me
I hate how I can be stable until my name fires out of his mouth
and I am knocked to the ground
I don't know who I am
I hate the way it feels
He takes away my being
Each time he says my name
And I hate it

memories leave an impression lasting
longer than the ones who made them
I carry years worth of dead-weight
a state of mind
prepackaged into something
far from beautiful
talented at shape-shifting objects
I can drop nouns
boxes, things, people
perhaps my being

As a rock in circulation, longing for self-revelation
In equilibrium with a world
Of green hues and ethereal blues
A smattering of milky way white
Clouding my perspective
Your presence,
a late yellow sun with a warm hello
I only see darkness
Certainly, light radiates from somewhere
The moon, surface deep with dents and craters, I
a lackluster comparison to thermodynamic creation
The energy you spawn, I merely respond
Our existence in tandem
The age of the earth
Irrelevant
Yet I revolve
and you evolve
Changing, shifting
day to night, new beginnings
A hazy sunrise and fresh dew mornings
Birthed as night gives way
Perhaps, a therapeutic realization
But stars still exist
As a hundred billion crises  
Screaming from their unnamed existence
longing to be as original as the moon
Saturn after all, has 62

a single moment
and suddenly I am here
perhaps all at once

After an hour in we make it up to the cashier
and she tells us how pretty we look
and I get to smile and say thank you we just came from church
but what she doesn’t know
is that it was the first time in weeks we went to our precious Weekend service
but nothing registers beyond the pastel colored dresses of our Sunday best

Do you think of me?
Your memory fades
As my self comparison to
old pictures of you
Start to age out
New wrinkles have formed
Though I’m sure
I’ll come to know them myself
In future years
Your presence remains
A mystery
Where are you now?
I long for you to stay
unknown

I don't know if it's the caffeine
That sunk into my system
Or if it's the thought of you
That's stuck inside my mind
But I can't find rest
My heart keeps going
I can't keep up
Days blur
Hours fade
Seasons start
And I'm too awake to take it all in

I don't know how it got so late but
it doesn't even matter
now, sleepless
golden hour lasts
longer than an afternoon
I'm just me
a solitary state
I must have drifted off
across the starry overpass
far from where I belong
My body ages faster than I do
I'll close my eyes

You burn
I burned
Baby, I'm the sun
and your skin is drying out
Your flesh can't handle me for long

I'm the queen of take out.
Let's take turns using plastic forks to stab at fried rice
that ends up tossed casually into overflowing trash bins,
You know all too well I'll neglect to take them out
I guess it beats the alternative as
eating out is overrated, not like we could decide anyway
we aren't cultured just because you greet me using Spanish
so we leave it be
I'll regret never leaving, and you can hate me for hanging on
but you'll have to face me from across the table as you chew to avoid conversation

I am a creature of habit,
habit's origin undisclosed
My methods change
intentions don't
my motives do contend

My limbs form Jacob’s ladder
The first rungs
seam to fold and bend
I wish they could fix me with silk ribbons
Life is stacked
They can’t all be wrong
I would fall
Another notch
Wring and worn out

If you're exempt from gravity
then who condemns you?
Tell me again how the rules don't apply
to existentialists like yourself
To those who find laws trifling
and to those who ****** ideas
with greedy minds
Please enlighten me
What is it you hope to uncover?

I miss the buzz of staying up late
not being lonely
but unable to drift off to anything other than thoughts of you
when I woke up with a smile on hectic days
of 8AM classes and long work shifts
enough to know I'd get ten minutes in your company
hiding within your confidence
I miss knowing what it was like to be treasured
getting home late after hours on the couch
learning every ounce of you
captured in my memories
I've never smiled so much
as I did in those photos
where everywhere was ours
before custody battles for secret places
I consciously avoid
attitudes that I know are long forgotten
will I ever hold something tangible again?
instead of coffee thoughts with no one to share them with
breakfast in a corner booth, lunch and dinner too
in bed at a reasonable time
wasting hours on my phone
no new notifications, not from you
not from anyone
I'll just keep on scrolling
looking at new suggestions never willing to admit to desperation through the act of a leftward swipe.

You were a balloon
and I was a kite
living with only the sky as our audience
You, a balloon
overcoming obstacles,
fueled with motivation
propelled up, ever so effortlessly
I, a kite
awaiting a breeze to guide my motion
powered by wind and willpower alone
Nevertheless
we conquered clouds
free to roam, or so I thought
rather, free to float
until my string ran out
I remained tied to the ground
as you continued to rise
looking down at me from above
darling, you could only go up
nothing could be done
as I watched you go