i know what it feels like
to have the ocean roll over your shoulders -

to try and have your feet touch the bottom
only to resurface gasping for air like you assume
it's your last.

i know what it feels like
to have your hands ripped by the ropes-
to grasp so tightly,
only to be cut and stung by the salt water
blessing your hands.

and i know what it feels like to have the water
float beneath your back
feeling every beat and current run across your body.

and one day i was caught in a rip tide
i yelled at the ocean, "stop holding me down. set me free."
it wouldn't give up.

and a few days later, i was casted like an anchor
in the bottom of the ocean- seeing no light
and i yelled, "stop holding me down. set me free."

and finally one day; it did.

the salt* that poured into my now bleeding wound was like

how *he came into my heart.

hurtful, sorrowful yet gay.

the current that moved beside my still body was like

how my emotions made my corpse feel.

contenment, compassion yet desire.

the wind whisphering in my ear was like

him telling me goodbye.

gloomy, neglected yet loathing.

the white caps dancing on the waves was like  

when i remembered him.

peaceful, tranquil yet remorseful.

and so, when the still river hit the sharp rocks-

it shred it to pieces- only like what you did with my heart.

wearness, rage yet misery.

this isn't a love letter in the simplistic form of things. it's more of a goodbye, a letter that only let myself down. no, in fact, you let me down.

only you knew in your heart how you felt. it didn't matter what else people thought. the idea of us, me leaving you; shouldn't have scared you. but it did. did you isolate yourself from me? did you think that leaving me to swim in my pool of thoughts, which were full of you, was going to make you feel better?

your lips, my lips; there temples. i was going to give that to you. i was hoping you would too; that maybe somewhere deep inside, you were passionate enough? but you left me and my soul and we started to whither like a dying rose.

why did you do this? pull me to dance with you and then push me away like i'm some kind of animal. some kind of sick joke to you; you're the only one that's laughing- you just hurt me instead.

stop looking at me like i'm enchanting. stop putting your knee next to mine.
stop toying with me.
stop saying we are too different for my comfort.
stop giving me the idea of the possibility of us. it drives me crazy, like i'm some kind of thing to you.

maybe this letter is my excorism. it's not a goodbye letter, it's a love letter and i promised myself it wouldn't be. maybe i don't want to say goodbye to you; but that's just it. that is the reason why this is a web of confusion, vulnerability and fiery feelings. because i can't get you out of my head, my heart and everything else that makes me function.

and guess what? this isn't simple and maybe they don't want us to be; but you know fireworks were there. you could hear them and feel them. it was as if they shook your body from head to toe. so, stop playing with the fireworks and just let them explode.

so you have destroyed me. a self destructive game. you are like a hurricane; tearing and ripping apart at every broken seam.

don't you understand my grieving? why can't you connect the dots? your good at games so why can't you understand this one?

rip me out of your booming heart. the power is too much to take. don't talk to me any longer, take me out of your life. because i don't want to be in it and i don't want you to be in mine.

although we never said it too each other, i think we both knew. i choose my heart over my head which just ended up bombing you. i was so blind that i didn't see what you were going to do to me.

you think we've played each other? but who really ended up losing? a boy that didn't appreciate what i did for him? a girl that would go out of her way to satisfy you to see you beam for once?

i was there for you, the entire time. and you disregarded me like you grew sick of nice little girls. i liked you regardless of your flaws, even though there were a lot.

to me, sure you were a diamond in the rut, but there are so many diamonds in this world that sparkle brighter than you. you just lost little old me, a star in the dark night sky. someone who shined for you in your darkest hours. so sorry, but you just ended up playing your **** self.

this isn't a goodbye letter, this is a simple love letter full of it and i hope now and forever you feel bad about not letting things be. like i said, i only let myself down. no; us let me down.

{Fall}

It started when you said you liked my voice.
It happened when you said you liked how outgoing I was.
Soon enough, my feelings started to turn like the summer air.
And even though they couldn't feel it any longer- the warm air hitting their skin-
I felt it in me.
Because it lite me up like the summer night sky.
But soon enough, my feelings started to turn like the autumn leaves.
And even though they were falling, they were crisp and rigid.
Brown and withered.
And as the months dwelled on, you became fascinated with someone else.
And I became like a lonesome Christmas tree watching you from the window when really you were lite so much brighter than me.
When the new year rolled around,
I promised myself I would stop.
And I did for a while- and then rumours swirled about us- and like the winter air, I became frosted and still.
But I kept thinking of that summer air and how it kept me warm inside and how the leaves fell in the fall like my feelings and how the winter air chilled my bones with thoughts of you.
And then I remembered, "I like the sound of your voice."
And the seasons mixed together.

We stole the last minute of the hot, sticky summer air.

It hit our skin hard when you pressed on the gas.

It twirled and danced on our skin-

like it was magic.

Like we were magicians in the night.

You have the music on.

"It's country," you say while your brown eyes twinkle in the red light.

The clock says 10:42.

You turn right on red and give me an uncertain smile.

"Do you like country?" You blush.

I turn towards you; wide eyed and grinning.

"I havn't been in the South long enough."

We laugh, our voices echoing through the night.

We leave it at that.

And it's still 10:42.

i remember the bracelet you gave me.
it was wrapped up in a black and white box that
made my heart flutter like the sail erupting from it's bag
and so, when i put it on, i saw it's simplicity.
it's ribbon of stirling silver knotted together.
i sometimes look at my wrist and pretend that the bracelet hugging my small untouched bone-
is your fingers- touching every piece of my skin.
i sometimes go through the bag and the box the bracelet was set carefully in.
your love- still a part of me.

i'll scour through the box at three in the morning-
when i can't sleep and your on my mind.
i'll rack my thoughts and remember when you smiled
or when they thought, wow he really loved her.

and i want to find a message from you, despite our distance.
but i don't.

and every precious second i waste going through the bag and box-
and every minute i stare at my bracelet hanging from my slender wrist-
i break.
because i don't see a message in your scripted hand writing.
and i don't see your name carved into my bracelet.
and i know that your fingers will never be around my wrist feeling my pulse- my heartbeat for you.
because your there and i'm here and distance is too far
and ocean's are too wide
and currents are too strong.
and winds are too heavy.
recalling the memories as if they were the only thoughts
that kept me breathing, living.

yet, i want to pretend like i forgot you-
like you never were a part of me
so;
bracelets don't mean a thing.