You have inhabited my 2am thoughts, and although I want to remind you just how much I love you in these hours, I know these aren't like old times. So I'll stare at my ceiling—reciting these lines— in attempt to muffle the sound of my heart breaking each night.

You have found home in my favorite songs, and although music is my escape from everything else, it has never been an escape from you. For every verse has a way of bringing up our love, and every chorus has a way of bringing up tears.

Memories of you have resided in the spines of all my books. I'll pretend the playlist you made me in December isn't the bookmark in one of them still. Either way, they are all collecting dust on my shelf now.

You are the common strand running through all my recent lines, and I want to stop titling all my heartbroken words with your name.

-k.w//you, you, you

It was love that
brought us together,
and in the end,
it was love that
tore us apart.

-k.w

i feel my heart growing
apathetic towards the things that
stung two days ago,
and i'm trying to fight this because
i care.
i care.
i know i ******* care.

but that doesn't change the fact that
right now,
you could tell me you want me
to stay,
and i don't think i'd believe you.

-k.w//wars

to love me is
to love a hurricane—
i won't leave until
we're in ruins.

-k.w//hurricane

tonight,
i experienced
cotton candy skies from
thousands of feet in the air,
and all i could do
was wipe away tears
because it reminded me
of you.

-k.w//cotton candy skies

and now poetry in coffee shops and paintings of flowers make me want to cry, and i didn't know memories of you would be so deeply engrained in the moments i took for granted.

the sunrises that were once a gentle reminder of being one sunrise closer to seeing you, i now realize, were just counting down my last days of being able to love you.

our time together ended before it ever really began, so i'll pretend my hands aren't shaking because they'll one day forget how it felt to hold yours. i'll pretend tears haven't been blurring my vision for forty-eight hours straight, and i'll pretend i didn't fall so hard for a boy who seemed to have given up on me so easily.

-k.w//sometimes, i wish i couldn't feel

(I) feel so lost
because you're the one
who said we shouldn't run
when there's a problem,

and you're the one
who said you (never) wanted me
to write over a broken heart again.

I've grown (tired) because even
when I cautiously fall,
I still fall too **** hard.

You did what you thought was best,
and I'm proud (of you) for
doing so,
but please don't expect me
to be okay.

-k.w

And I could be standing in
the middle of a forest
with nothing but miles of
solitude wrapped around me,
and even then,
I wouldn't be alone.

I hear the trees whispering
your name every time
the wind blows.
The birds are singing
our song,

and you are everywhere.

-k.w//you are everywhere

You are not the thoughts
that keep you up at night,
but the reasons you rise
in the morning.

-k.p//late night reminder

He left bruises
and called it affection,
and now I'm left in
unfamiliar territory—
waiting for the moment
when you decide to love me
in a way that'll make me
feel at home,
if only for a little while.

-k.w//aftermath

I'm the kind of girl
who can look at broken pieces,
and still find something worth loving.

And I hope that when you
look at me,
you're able to do the same.

-k.w//broken pieces

teach me how to let go.
i have scars on my hands
from holding on too tight—
i must find the strength
to heal.

-k.w//what i think of when i think of you

I envy the stars for how
brightly they shine,
even in total darkness.

-k.w//emulating stars

And the pictures that are strung up
across your bedroom wall
house nothing more than vacant feelings now.
He can no longer bring himself
to check up on you because
if he can't have you
exactly the way he wants,
then he doesn't want you at all.

He'll cope with his hurt
by occasionally offering unauthentic hello's
and cancelled plans because that's all
he has control over.
Once again,
you are left repeating the line,
"I'm sorry I hurt you,
but I am happy now."
And he'll pretend he's happy, too.

-k.w//because i don't feel the same

He repeated the words
"No one will ever love you"
so many times
that I started to believe him,

and I'm in need of constant
reassurance that I'm safe
because everything he did
plays on repeat in my head,
and I feel as if
I never really escaped it at all.

I got so used to
holding my breath in his presence,
I don't think he noticed me
fading away.

-k.w//Fading

4:02am
i am moving onto better things now.

2:14am
i remember you said "no one will ever love you like i love you" and oh god, i hope you're right.

5:57am
you are worth the fight.

4:16am
the pain is so familiar, and it's become so **** comfortable.

3:03am
this feeling of suffocation is one i never want to feel again.

7:34am
i don't know how else to tell him that i miss him.

5:47am*
this doesn't mean a thing.

-k.w//first thoughts in the morning

i remember
scribbled i love you's on
coffee shop napkins
tucked away in journals to be
rediscovered again soon
and i notice the way you
tap your fingers on your steering wheel
to every song that comes on
and i love these little things about you

i am selfish and want more of these moments
but know our time together is limited

every day i am missing you
every day i am hoping you miss me too

-k.w//distant love

People admire the skies above them,
yet find it hard to love their rainy days.
For it's not easy to love something where
no light can be found.

And I can't help but wonder
if people think the same of me—
Am I only lovable on days when
I can offer clear skies?

-k.w//The Rain & I

I can't listen to Amy Winehouse on vinyl without thinking of you, and I've refrained from using your favorite coffee mug to ensure it'd be clean for your return. Even the floorboards are creaking your name now, and this house feels foreign without you. Each morning, I find myself rising with the sun, reciting the words, "Please come home."

-k.w

I wish I could speak the words
weighing heavy on my heart at 4am,
and I want to feel alive.
I want to be someone who kisses
another out of love— not obligation,
and I want to cling onto forevers
because I am overflowing with hope.

But I break promises on purpose now
and it doesn't hurt me one bit,
and I am only vulnerable towards
my bedroom walls and shower floor
because they are the only ones who
care to listen.
I sit silent in the car and I count
down the minutes until I'm alone again.

I have not even scratched the surface of who I want to be.

-k.w//far behind

You are an ocean
with tides of mass highs and lows.
You think this makes you
too inconsistent— too imperfect,
but you are awe-inspiring
with how you ebb and flow.

-k.w//Oceans

There is not enough emphasis
on the words
"I love you"
so I will loop all your favorite songs
in every moment of my free time,
and search for deeper meaning
behind all the words you write;
I'll wonder what's keeping you up
when you text me at 4am,
and I'll look forward to
the next time I get to hold your hand
and watch our favorite movies.

You are so lovely,
and "I love you" is not
enough.

-k.w//Will

And in fear of opening herself up
and being caught in a storm,
she never allowed herself
a chance to feel the
warmth of the sun.

-k.w//vulnerable

I want nothing more
than to feel an endless amount
of control over everything around me,
and I'm afraid that makes me
more like him
than I thought.

-k.w//Just Like Him

You have lived through
everything you've endured,
and there is bravery
in knowing your limits.

-k.w//Limited

And it's as if every kiss he planted
was supposed to make up
for the bruises he left on my body-
as if every "I love you"
was supposed to make up
for all the times he said
no one else would.

Slowly, these cuts will turn to scars
and his shouts that echo
through every bone in my body
will become nothing more than
a persistent hum in the back of my head.

I've convinced myself that
he took everything from me,
but I have so much strength
resting in my bones.

-k.w//I'll Come Back Stronger

You are so beautiful,
and not just in the way you look,
but in the way you think,
and the way you choose to exist.
I am so lucky to know you,
and I want to spend every waking moment
reminding you of every aspect
that makes you beautiful to me.

-k.w

I used to regret
erasing all your voicemails.  
All I wanted
was to loop the last two seconds
it took for (you) to say
you loved me,
so that way I (never) had to fall asleep
thinking any different.

Now, I'm (really) glad
I burned all your belongings,
and threw away all your letters
that were signed with
you are so (loved).
I would've found them as
reasons to go back
because empty threats were
far too familiar to (me).

And today I saw a picture of us,
but it (did) not hurt in the sense
you'd think
because I saw you in a crowded room
just last week,
and (you) were nothing more
than a passing face.

-k.w//Healing

You will cease
to exist in my world
any longer.
I have tried to love you
through the storm,
but I am learning
more and more every day
that every action of yours
contradicts
all the words you say.

You try to fight off your demons
and blame my hurt on
collateral damage,
but I am beginning to know better.
And maybe I'm bitter,
And maybe I need to grow up,
but I refuse to allow any more hurt
to take up the spaces between every
"I love you"
that escapes your mouth.

-k.w//Collateral Damage

And sometimes I feel as if
you've spent so much time
loving others,
that you forgot the importance
of loving yourself.

All I want
is to be there for you
as you learn how to
put yourself back together,
piece by piece,

and I can only hope
you decide
to let me.

-k.w

One day, your hands won’t shake at the thought of someone kissing your lips. It won’t cross your mind that he may take things too far, and you’ll slowly begin to feel more at ease with the thought of being loved. And it won’t be the kind of love that leaves you sobbing after the continuous string of nights when he tried to convince you that your body was not your own, but it’ll be nights that end in slow kisses that for once, leave you looking forward to tomorrow. You’ll begin to realize that not everyone in this world wants to hurt you, and one day, you’ll realize that he never really owned you at all.

-k.p

And because
I've come from a place
built on constant heartbreak,
what if causing damage
is all I know how to do?

I am so scared of hurting you,
and although I have grown
numb to the pain
that comes along with
being hurt in return,
I have spent so many nights
reciting to myself why it'd be better
to feel nothing at all.

I am finding it hard
to convince myself that not
everyone will try to break me
the way he did.
I am finding it hard
to convince myself that
I deserve any better than my past.

Listening to a song for the very first time,
and holding hands with someone new;
scribbling messy handwritten notes in your favorite book,
and hearing the words,
"You are not alone."

The feeling they bring is fleeting,
I know,
but it is one you are capable
of experiencing none the less.

-k.w//little things

I'm afraid I'll always be the nails buried deep in my palms, the excuses behind why I let him hurt me, and the reason she tried to end her life.

This is anything but strength,
and I am constantly showering my hurt over everyone like debris over a war zone,

and I can't help but to feel so toxic.

There is no part inside me
that fears being alone.
Where most people find panic
in the emptiness that covers
the left side of their bed,
I find comfort.

I'm more than capable
of holding my own hand
and feeling assured
in my lack of dependency on others.

I am good at being alone,
and I think I'm choosing to
remind myself of this right now,
because I am starting to remember
what it's like to have feelings
for someone,
and all I can think about
is how much it hurt last time.

You'll realize that sometimes
it's easier to deny the pain you feel
rather than trying to face it,

but I hope you find enough
strength within yourself
to conquer it anyways,
before it tries to conquer you.

-k.w//Conquer

You are not defined
by the pain in your stomach
or the tightness in your chest,
and your shaky hands
and the inability to breathe
are not signs of weakness,
although you have convinced
yourself differently.

Every masterpiece was once
a work in progress,
and there is more to you than
a disorder.

-k.w//An Open Letter to my Anxiety

When he talked about
our life together,
he'd never fail to mention
the lack of sadness
within me.
It was almost like he couldn't
imagine a life alongside me
as long as I was
battling my own mind.

And now,
more days than not,
the sadness inside me is absent,

only he's not around
to see the light radiating off me.

-k.w//a sight you'd love to see

What a terrible feeling it must be
to know that you still could've had me
if only you loved me like
I deserved.

-k.w//December 5th

I remember you saying
no one would ever love me,
but walking away from you
was the first step to
loving myself.

-k.w//important love

It's been months
since you've last stepped foot
in my home,
but if you were to see it now,
it'd be unrecognizable.

The walls are now painted
a lively white that compliments
the floorboards underneath
the carpet that's been torn up,
and there is a new sofa
that I'll one day spend my time on
with someone (who isn't you).

This house is lively. This house is new.

And it's been months
since you last saw me,
but if you were to look at me now,
I'd be unrecognizable.

I, myself, am more lively,
and the darkest parts of me
have been torn from the pit of my stomach
where they have lived for so long,
and my heart has recovered
and is ready to be shared with someone
(once more).

And I am lively. I am new.

-k.w//Lively

It's been one year
since you took your
last breaths,
and I can't stop wishing
you had gotten more time.
You deserved prom dates,
and a high school graduation,
slow kisses in the rain,
and falling in love.

And if I could trade
places with you,
believe me, I would.
Because you deserved a life
far beyond hospital beds
and breathing tubes.

I so desperately wish
you had gotten the life
you fought so hard for.

-k.w//One Year

You go by
your middle name
because your first
"doesn't fit you",
and it's as if
the second you were
brought into this world,
a part of you already
felt like you didn't belong
with the rest of us.

-k.w//your middle name

I'll pretend
it doesn't hurt
to say your name,
and I will hide behind
subtle feelings
that I am too ashamed
to voice past my
bedroom mirror
at 4am with sleepy eyes.

I am not nostalgic
for the sloppy kisses or
the first time you held my hand,
but the trips to
waffle house in the late afternoon,
and high school football games
when the cold air left
our lips numb.

It all comes back
to the, "I miss you"
that is trapped
behind my teeth.

-k.w//things i'll never say out loud

She is constantly moved

to become a better version

of herself,

and after living in the darkness

for so long,

she decided to become

her own light.

And although she may think

she has a long way to go,

she has survived yet another day,

and for that

i am proud.

k.w//amanda

I will hold onto you
because you bring a certain light
to the world
that I don't think
can be found anywhere else.
And with a light
that makes even the brightest
of suns envious,
it'd be a shame to do anything
but hold on.

-k.w//Hold On

I am bruised

but not broken,

and with time,

I will heal these wounds

one by one,

and reject you the power

to ever leave

me like this

again.

-k.w//hearts still beating

Please ignore my shaky hands
that send earthquakes
through my bones
when the air between each other
is filled with nothing more than
harsh words that suffocate us.

I have survived a lot,
but the constant tsunami
of tears that follow
is not something I want
to battle with any longer.

And I know why
hurricanes are named
after people,
but I am trying to
minimize the casualties
that are often causing
forest fires inside me.

-k.w//natural disaster

I'm not too stubborn to admit that
I was afraid of losing you-
so I held you tightly in the palms of my hands
as you fell through my fingertips,
and into the hands of another.

-k.w//you always called me stubborn

It's sad to think
that at one point in time,
I truly believed
I deserved the love you gave me.

But I've since realized my worth,
and bruised wrists
and crossed boundaries
are something
I never should have known.

So don't think for a second
that I miss you,
because I am so beyond
my unrequited love.

-k.w//unrequited love