Months later,
and still I sit in the shower
for hours at a time,
hoping to one day
wash away the handprints
that didn't belong
on my body
in the first place.

-k.w//cleanse

The first time we met
after harsh goodbyes,
did you forget how to breathe?

Were you forced to
sew yourself back together
because the reminder of loneliness
was too unbearable for you?

Because I couldn't continue to live like that-
Clinging on every reason to stay,
and ignoring every reason to go.

And maybe I don't dream
about holding your hand anymore,
but I am still learning
to breathe fresher air.

-k.w//Baby Steps

It's hard to hear,
"I love you"
when it's only
lies that spill
out of your mouth;
a bittersweet moment that
I would rather sit in silence to
then witness.

And you'll never care that
I'm drowning,
only that I
hold your head
above the waves
as I sink a little deeper
with every break in the sea.

But I will continue
to love you
with every ounce
of my being
because my heart
holds no sympathy
over me.

-k.w//worlds apart

Maybe now you'll begin to realize
why I can never take the word
"forever" too seriously by anyone.

Because we made promises too big
for our hearts
and reality has a harsh way
of not giving us what we want.

And even though I was the one
who called it off,
you were the one who left
months before,
leaving behind nothing but a ghost.

You always thought my words
were beautiful,
but will you still think the same
when they're written all about you?

-k.w//A Letter to my Recent Heartbreaker

And the feeling of
being trapped in complete isolation
is one I understand all too well,

but you can't expect the whole world at your feet.
Sometimes, all you have is one person,
and sometimes,
that has to be enough.

-k.w//I Want to be the One

He'll tell you that
I broke his heart,
and you'll believe him because
with all that pain in his eyes,
how could you not?

But he'll keep it to himself that he
set fire to the best parts of me
and stepped back to watch me burn.

And he'll never trust you enough to mention that
my body was a world map to him,
and all he wanted to do
was explore.

And he won't dare speak about the way
his hands gripped the steering wheel
to keep them off my neck
when he could no longer control his anger.

So yes,
I broke his heart,
but only to protect mine
from further casualty.

-k.w//World Map

They tell me not to live my life in fear,
but what if living in general
is a fear itself?

-k.w//downfall

I wish I could say,
"I love you"
with more certainty in my voice,
and I wish I could
fall out of love,
as if it was a choice.

But when he
breaks apart your ribs,
he'll say he's just trying
to see your heart.
When will you realize
bruised flesh isn't a sign
of love?
On your wedding day,
did you imagine
bearing the colors
of blue and black?

He'll come back
and feed you lies
that always start with,
"I love you." and
"I'm sorry.",
but never seem to end
with change.

Will he even try
to replace the burnt out
light in your eyes,
or will he feed your fear
of staying in the dark
the rest of your life?

As you whisper to yourself,
"I can handle it.
I can handle it.
I can handle it.",

please remember,
just because you can,
doesn't mean you should have to.

-k.w//Red Flags

I wish I was better
at holding onto
longer forevers,
but I tend to shy away
from simple times
and happy endings.

I make things hard
on myself,
and complicate
every relationship-
leaving them in ruins,
and then hoping to find a forever
that actually lasts.

-k.w//a forever that lasts

You've gotten better
while I've only gotten better
at hiding that I'm not better.

I heard you started smoking,
and I hope
it makes you realize
what you did to me
when you become so addicted
to something that kills you.

And when you finally
find the strength to stop,
years from now,
you'll still find yourself
missing it.

I hope you think of me when
the smoke escapes
your lungs.

-k.w// cigarettes & metaphors

Sometimes when I close my eyes,
I see buildings that touch
the clouds.
And I step off these buildings
and pull the ground up towards me,
embracing the concrete
with open arms.

Sometimes when I fall asleep,
we share the same breaths,
and I'm overwhelmed with such feeling
as my hand interlocks with yours.
And I'm not afraid
to fully love.

And maybe there are thousands of
differences between these dreams,
but for me they're all the same.

They leave me breathless,
and I need to be saved from
what I want.

-k.w

I'll show you the thick white lines
that are traced along my veins,
if you promise to still love me
in the morning.

Because I can't imagine
waking up one day without you,
but I can't think about hiding a secret
that's written all over my body either.

And I've been the only one
to bandage these wounds for so long,
but at the same time,
I'm the one that puts them there.

So please still love me in the morning,
and don't ever think you're the reason why
my wrists are sore.

You are the stitches
that bring me back together.

-k.w

And it's okay
if you flinch
every time he moves
his hands too fast

because in another time,
you were just
defending yourself,
and that is all right.

And it's okay
if you still skip class
every once
in awhile

because in another time,
that was the only time
you could catch a break,
and that is all right.

And it's okay
If you stay up all night-
making friends with
your bedroom walls

because in another time,
sleeping meant dreaming,
and all you really wanted
was reality,
and that is all right.

It will all be okay
in the end.

And when I believed
that no one could ever fix me
and make me feel whole again,
he did.

And when tears were
streaming down my cheeks
and I thought no one would ever
lift my face towards the sun,
he did.

And when I shouted words
that no one understood
and everyone eventually stopped listening,
he still did.

And when I finally
felt unstoppable
and like I had the world at my fingertips,
and no one could ever take that away from me,

he ******* did.

-k.w// He Did

Wake up with me.
With messy hair
and sleepy eyes.
Morning breath
and all.

Flash that tilted smile
towards me at 8am,
so I can start my day off
just right.

Fall into my arms
and I'll hate the fact
that moments from now,
I'll have to let you go.
But I promise you,
I will love every second
up until that point.

So with cold hands,
and sloppy kisses.
Chapped lips
and all,
wake up with me.

-k.w// Wake Up

I'll pretend that when you lean in,
that you've never kissed anyone
the same way you kiss me.

And my heart breaks
when you struggle to remember the names
of all your past lovers
(You call them all mistakes)
because I know,
someday,
you'll do the same to me.

And I see the parts of you
that are broken,
but promise me that
you'll remember my name
and you'll never see me as
another one of
your mistakes.

I tried to save you
when I told you I was toxic.
But you only took it as me
trying to push you away
with my undying fear of commitment.

But it is the start of a new time,
and 9 months later,
I am rereading the text of,

"If I was dead,
I wouldn't have to worry about
any problems."

And all I could think to say was that
you wouldn't be able to enjoy any solutions either,
but I know the truth.

You weren't this broken in the beginning,
and I had warned you.

-k.w// I Warned You; You Didn't Listen

I don't want to take my medicine
because I don't want a pill to tell me
how to feel.
It's like cheating,
and if I'm going to conquer this,
I'm going to without a pill
making me feel things that
aren't really there.

Yet here I am,
staring at a bottle,
that's more empty than
myself.

-k.w// Pills to Fill an Incurable Emptiness

I'll never understand why
cutting open my skin or
starving myself
was an easier thing for me to do
then simply ask for help.

As we were laying in the bed of your pick-up,
looking at the stars,
I imagined the level of complexity the sky would reach
if lines brought the stars together
like a connect-the-dots on the back
of restaurant kids menus.  

And the realization hit me
when I looked back at you,
that we are much like stars.
Together in the same night sky,
yet too complex in our own ways to really be together.

I'm falling,
and like anyone else would do
when they see a shooting star,
I can't help but to think your only wish when you see me,
is to only be farther away.

But the leftover stardust
that make up the freckles underneath your eyes,
that you seem so ashamed of,
allow me to realize,
that you have fallen too.

So maybe we are the broken pieces
that are meant to make each other whole again,
so that way,
we can finally shine like all stars are meant to do.

-k.w// Shooting Stars and Empty Hearts

The first time I saw you,
I knew you were ready to take on the world.

The cancer might have affected everything else,
but it never really did touch your smile, did it?

And today you let go,
and the pain finally stopped.
I'll never understand why
people like you have to go so soon,

but you were an angel walking on earth,
and I realize that eventually,
you had to go home.

-k.w//sydney strong

And you don't realize this,
but if I could,
I would take the freckles
that are scattered across the bridge
of your nose
and have found home under your eyes,
and make galaxies far more beautiful
than the ones above us now.
For you, are far more beautiful than any constellation,
and you deserve something beautiful in return.

And you don't realize this,
but if I could,
I would make your heartbeat
the new hit song that everyone can't
stop listening to.
Because it carries a beat so calming,
even the most troubled souls would
stop and hum along.
For you, bring peace to the darkest corners of my mind,
and you deserve peace in return.

And you don't realize this,
but if I could,
I would take that smile,
and inject it directly into my veins.
Because I can claim that medication and therapy
heal the darkest parts in me,
but it would not compare to what your smile
does to me.
For you, have healed me,
and you deserve healing in return.

I guess I should've listened
when everyone told me that
people aren't medicine,
but ****,
I thought you were my cure.

Does it make sense to say,
that I think I was made to suffer?

And does it make sense to say,
that I think I was made to die alone?

Maybe I was put on this earth,
to show society and everybody else
the downfalls and side effects the pressure of this world can bring upon young adults.

I don't want to be alone,
but alone is all I'll ever know.

This darkness is slowing seeping into me, through my pores and into my bloodstream. Or maybe they found their way in through my split veins. I'm not quite sure anymore, but they're consuming me whole. And I can only pretend to act unaffected by their harsh bites at my knuckles and scratch marks at my throat for so long. These thoughts use to only haunt me at 4am, but they've fought their way to daylight and my minds not capable of fighting them off or telling them no. They're trapped in this skeleton of a body and they're eating me alive. There's a letter beside me listing "goodbyes" to my family and boyfriend. I don't know what I'll end up doing, but I'm scared of what these voices are making me do. I'm scared of what I've become.

And I don't know why I fall in love with such
self-destructive things.
When I first come across them,
I truly do believe they will numb the pain.
I didn't think you would **** me.

And I will not lie to myself when I write this.
You were my favorite mistake,
one I'd be willing to make again and again.
I would go through all the pain again,
if it meant I could just have you.

But you are my cigarette smoke,
filling my lungs.
I ignore the fact that you're slowly killing me
because as time passes without you,
you're all I think about,
and I always go back.

Why do we always go back to the things that **** us?

I didn't go to school.
My bones ached too much,
and sitting up in bed alone took up all my energy.
My eyes still burn from last night
when I cried and cried and cried.

I am ruining him.
I don't think he even notices,
but I see him slowly starting to wilt
a little more within everyday.

I can't leave him.
He's my life and I am his,
but I don't want to be the reason he wants to end his
in the end either.

This battle is too hard.
I don't have the energy to fight.
I can't get out of bed.

I tend to get attached to things that **** me in the end.

What was supposed to be a very
temporary thing in life
became a very
permanent thing
on my body.

The most foolish thing I've ever done
is taken the word
"forever"
so seriously by such a
temporary
thing.

I look into the mirror
and sadness immediately washes over me,
as I stare into the cold eyes
of my biggest enemy.

She is not a nice girl.

She is nothing but stubborn,
and she hides herself away in layers and layers of bitterness.
If anyone manages to climb her walls,
they will be disappointed when they reach the top.
And they will only have the time to say, "Is this really it?"
before she pushes them away,
and then she will wonder why nobody loves her.

She is not a pretty girl.

Scars are littered up and down her body.
Her lips are always chapped,
and no amount of make-up can hide the bags
that have made homes under her exhausted eyes.
At her feet you will see old nail-polish
cracked and half gone,
and she doesn't care to take the rest off either.
She'll pretend not to care about anything.

And tears sting my eyes,
as I realize my worst enemy,
lives inside me.
Constantly breathing over my shoulder,
telling me,
"You will never be good enough."
And I believe her.

I want to show you all of my favorite songs,
so maybe when you listen to the lyrics,
you'll hear all the words I've been too afraid to say.

You take a look at the universe, and you admire it for it's beauty. What you must realize then, is that you're a part of it.

I am looking forward to the day
where I look at you,
and feel nothing

because it's exhausting
to continuously fall in and out
of love with you
as often as I do.

-k.w

And if words could find a way
to possibly convey exactly what it is that I'm feeling,
then your body would become a temple of inked love songs
and sappy heart felt poems.

And if words could find a way
to possibly convey exactly what it is that I'm feeling,
I'm afraid I would never stop talking,
and I would fill your brain with the idea that you are my rising sun.
My reason to wake every morning,
my reason to make it through.

And if words could find a way
to possibly convey exactly what it is that I'm feeling,
I don't think you would ever doubt your self-worth again because
I love you. I love you. I love you,
and saying those three words will never be enough for me.

My therapist once told me that it was healthy to mourn the loss of a friendship as if it was a death. It's hard at first, as it should be, but "as time passes, it should heal the wound."

So for the past year, I have been spilling my heart out and crying over your "death". I've been scribbling your name on scratches of paper and setting fire to them. What my therapist never told me, was how long it would take for the wound you left, to close.

Because it has been a year, and I have acted as if you were nothing but a memory, because in reality, that's exactly what you are to me. But you are not dead. No. You have a beating heart and a life to live, and I know at any point, if you wanted to, you could come back to me.

I guess it's true that I always cared about you more. You wouldn't admit it, but you never had to. You don't live with me in my everyday life, but you're always with me in my dreams. And I've acted as if you were a ghost, but you will not stop haunting me.

I'm waiting for a "hello" that I know will never come, but that won't stop me from waiting anyways.

I'm waiting for your resurrection.

And telling you I never wanted to see you again,
was the hardest thing I think I've ever done.
I remember when you were all I saw,
and all I wanted to see.

Please come back.

i) I never did a good enough job on helping my sister, and I guess that's why I blame myself when she wears long sleeves in the summer and finds unhealthy addictions in boys that never have the same intentions as her.

ii) I have a habit of making homes out of people who see me as nothing more than an empty hotel room.

iii) I stopped taking medicine altogether after the physiologist told me it would help with the sadness. I don't want to rely on anything but my mind and my heart, two things that often mislead me.

iv) My intentions are gold, but I always make things ******* myself and hurt others along the way.

v) I say the words, "I'm sorry" as often as some people say hello. You could break my bones and I'll apologize for driving you to do it.

With each passing day,
I feel my bones growing more and more tired.
And I wander if this is what it's like to grow up.
Day by day,
you slowly grow more and more sick of this world,
and I guess that's why by the time you're ninety,
you are okay with death taking you.

Discover the importance that comes along with loving yourself fully and unforgettably. You are a part of this beautifully crafted universe, and you deserve to be here.

-k.w // stars are meant to shine

And I'm so glad I didn't
**** myself when you told me to
because I would have missed so much.

The dark clouds that have housed me
for three painful years are finally starting to part,
and I'm beginning to breathe again.

And although I am scared to go outside,
and although I still have days where I want to listen to you,

I am beginning to see the sun,
and oh my god,
it is so lovely.

I had always told people that I didn't like the night
because I had a terrible fear of the dark,
but I don't really mean that I tremble over the absence of light.

I'm terrified of the dark voices that consume me whole,
and tell me to do awful things.
I'm terrified of the emptiness that fills me to the brim,
the catastrophe that my mind experiences each and every night.

The absence of light around me is what scares me the least.
The absence of light within myself is what leaves me absolutely terrified.

But I don't want to go home
because home is a pair of arms that
don't want to hold me.

I'm better off in solitude,
making friends with my bedroom walls and dark thoughts.
Because unlike you,
they are always there.

I only grasped you for what felt like a mere second
before you fell through my fingertips
like drops of water,
so eager to embrace the ground.

But I am not rainfall,
or autumn leaves.
I am not sleepy eyelids,
or teenage love.

I am not beautiful when I fall.

You taught me how to walk the earth
with cracked bones
and a broken heart.
And it's trying to recover
from the messy half beats
you left me with before you bailed.

And I'll lie and say that I feel the warmth of the sun,
beating down on my cold bare skin,
but deep down I know that winter
froze over me.
And the frostbite has made home
in those messy half beats of my heart.

And I'm aware that it's killing me,
but the cold and numbness,
I've found,
is oddly comforting.

-k.w//winter froze over