fall into me.
tug at my soul
and pull it
from my body.
remind me
what it means
to be in love,
to feel sorrow,
...to be human...
...remind me.

L14:  No, *****, but...enjoy the moment.



(sonnet #MMMMMMCCCCLXXVIII)


The mourning dove ere twilight yield calls, whence
Orange winks upon thet waking thought's detail,
And lo, I hear it softly coo.  Grey mists in frail
Nigh ghostly touch a thin suggestion, thence
Do maples faintly shiver in suspense?
I thank the LORD for that voice on the pale
First notes of whither, erst wont to avail
My soul, and dawn sifts through to crown that sense.
How Joey worked "each day this week," yet fer
All that's forever on my mind.    What, to
Effect, now does the culver's song as twere
Mean?  How I used to know.  Or thought I knew.
Now like a memry of sweet days lost, poor
Though what be?  Does it bless our hopeful dew?

05Jul17b

si alguna vez
llegas a leer un poema,
ojalá me leas a mí.
ojalá encuentres la poesía que se esconde en mi cuerpo,
en mis ojos que riman, en mis pies que solo saben bailar,
ojalá encuentres la poesía que se esconde en las curvas de mis labios
y en la canela de mi piel.
si alguna vez llegas a leer un poema,
ojalá me leas a mí,
ojalá encuentres las palabras escritas en mi piel,
y veas como mis ojos deletrean la palabra
‘luz’
y como mis manos hablan de arte
y como mi corazón canta de valentía y esperanza
y si alguna vez llegas a leer un poema,
ojalá sea yo.

9:24 am: i am cleaning my room and singing along to an ed sheeran song. i thought of me, cleaning our house, and you, leaning against the doorframe and smiling at me.

1:24 pm: it has been raining all day and i am wondering if you believe in the beauty and magic of rain like i do and how perfect it would be if our first kiss took place on a rainy afternoon like this one.

1:26 pm: i refuse to entertain the thought that the two thoughts i've had of you were exactly four hours apart means something. but secretly i hope it does.

3:54 pm: will i think of you at 11:11 tonight?

4:19 pm: will i love you even when you make spelling mistakes?

9:24 pm: i wrote a poem today about my high standards and i thought of you and how you won't be afraid of pursuing me, of loving my heart. i thought of your fearless heart and how it will love me the way i am.

9:28 pm: i am thinking of the number 24 and how at the 24 minutes of three different hours you popped into my head. did you think of me today? did the thought of me make you smile? do you wonder about me, the color of my hair, the shape of my face, the song of my heart?

9:32 pm: my heart sometimes wonders if it's pointless to think of you, because maybe there isn't a you. but my soul tells my heart that i think of you, and therefore you are.

10:24 pm: before i close my eyes, i hope to think of you. and after i close them, i know i'll dream of you. and if it happens at the twenty-fourth minute of whatever hour it is, i won't be too surprised.

10:27 pm: i am starting to believe that 24 is a magic number.

I'm sorry family that I ran away from home,
Came to college, got stressed, and didn't make it my own.
I want to be successful, it'd be great to feel accomplished.
But I'm always disappointed and running out of options.

I want to sit in a quiet room and study for hours.
But my emotions storm around and deplete my cognitive power.
If I had some hormone pills, if i had a magic wand,
I could make my heart stop and make my mind be strong.

But I don't, and it's not, and I can't, and I won't,
And I love myself too much to hate my emotional storm,
But I disappoint myself whenever I take a test
And I can't think clearly and I make a huge mess.

It's sometimes hard to choose whether I should try to relax
In my isolated state with video games and rap tracks,
Or if I should submerge myself in my studies and eventually,
Let myself down once again and be isolated and empty.

Therein lies the rub, for when I'm just isolated
Coping with my emotions that are never evaded,
I look inside myself and see that there's love,
And I feel whole and at once. I feel control over one

Aspect of my life. They say control matters.
But when I perform my exams and achieve grades below average,
And it's all because I can't stop my emotions from turning,
Is this the hard work it takes? Is this the fire that's burning?

When I fail time after time, tumbling through emotional wreckage
Just to know these ideas on this study guide checklist,
Just to sit for an exam and forget what I processed
Did I fail this exam? Is this all a big test?

Is college meant to make me feel like I shouldn't be here at all
Until 10 years later when I'm a grown up adult,
And I don't have as many hormones affecting my motivation?
Or is this conditioning me to reach a new elevation

In my mind where I choose facts and logic over what I feel?
Study for tests, get good grades, and forget what's real.
When I sit down for a test, it doesn't matter what's happening
In my mind or my heart. It matters what's lacking.

"Do you lack the emotions that would make you burn out?
Well good! Study hard, graduate, get out.
Are you emotions making you feel like you're out of control?
Sit down. Let's talk about reaching your goals.

Life's all about balance. Study some each day,
Take time to relax too. Bad thoughts then go away.
Then wake up and study more, or if you had a bad dream,
Try to calm down. Study once you can see

More clearly. Yeah, just mix things up,
Focus on your classes. Focus on your love.
Don't fall behind too much or you might not pass.
Be happy, responsible, and smart; that's all I really ask."

That was a polite request that I'd be glad to consider,
If it wasn't for the fact that my mind is a twister
And running around trying to escape feels futile
And I run for miles and it feels so wild.

That's just a metaphor, but I want to be happy.
It's at the top of my priorities and I can't change that, see.
So once I'm ready to work hard, I'll let you know.
Please let me go. Please let me go.

I ran away from my home when I came to college,
And independence is great, I love gaining knowledge!
I love all the people! I love this new place
I love having my own space to let my thoughts erase.

That comes up a lot; chasing my feelings with an eraser,
To clear up my mind so I can earn the favor
Of all of my potential friends and all of my professors,
The difference is I always have class, but so many people left me here

To do all of this alone, I don't suffer for no reason,
The only things that I want are out of my grasp every season
And if I could want to do well and not want social tidings,
You wouldn't have to hear all of this stupid whining.

I'm not socially successful. I'm not a winner.
I can't live with that, I can't stretch myself thinner.
Until further notice, my emotions are wild
And my attempts to add more priorities to the mix are mild.

That includes grades. That includes calling you!
When I come home I'll try to love and be true to you.
When I'm at school, I'm out of balance and seeking patience
And it's harder in isolation and I can't even wait then.

I can't wait for life to come to me, gotta grab it.
I can't write poems and complain and not work, gotta stop it.
I'm sorry that I'm confused, I'm sorry I'm so lazy,
I'm sorry if this poem makes you think I'm going crazy,

Because I'm not. I love myself and that's it.
I'd like some connections in life and working is not it.
It's love, it's connection, it's people, it's music.
I'm not sure if i can do this.

I'm sorry family if that's hard to hear.
I'd say it's ok, but the past two years
Haven't stopped increasing in how much I'm being challenged
So I might not have the right allowance.

Of patience and energy to really get by.
I really wish I could cry more.
But I can't when I'm alone.
I'm not giving up.

I love you guys.