Today someone asked
‘Did she love you’.
Because my love for her was stolen
A brush of hands, of fingers tangled together but always in the dark
A press of lips to her collarbones, her cheeks, her neck but never her lips
It was bruised shoulders and bruised egos,
Lost declarations and lost promises.
It was the words I whispered in her ear while my hands danced across her ribs
Or the words requested in the deep of the night when sleep was to far and nightmares not far enough.
It was second glances and curious friends
And stretches of silence and hushed arguments in the vacant corners of rooms.
She stole my “I love you"s and stitched them into her skin like armor.
And then she wore her armor to kiss other girls in the dark and to press promises into their skin,
To hold them the way I held her,
To love them the way I thought I’d loved her.
I thought I could protect myself from the pain,
But when I looked, I’d found that I’d given all my armor away.
Today someone asked
‘Did she love you’

You said you couldn’t love me
Because eventually, I would leave you
Or people would come between us
And force us apart.
But I guess you had to know that in the end
Your cold indifference pushed me away
Anyway.

I wondered if I could be enough for you
If I could whisper love into the fractures
Of yourself you hid away
If I could hand you bits and pieces
So you could rebuild anew.
But the foundation you rebuilt,
Was made of pieces you took
Until I was no longer enough
For both you and me.

I always thought when I left
I’d be leaving you behind
I’d be leaving us behind and moving on
Without you by my side.
And you’d resigned yourself to that
I think.
You said I was destined for great things:
To see great things
To do great things
To be a great thing.
I thought we were a great thing.
So maybe that’s why you left
Before I could ever say goodbye.

i was okay being marked ‘damaged goods’
because i was yours and you let me believe
that you could possibly be mine.
you found me beautiful, remarkable,
understood me in ways that no one else could.
i thought with you i found meaning -
i was made whole in your embrace,
my name never sounded sweeter than on you lips.
'no one will ever know you the way i do’.
i was unknowable the way most broken things are
the pieces were all there but in no discernible way.
no way anyone but you could look at my jagged edges
and find beauty and strength and love.
love.
it’s so strange how the first time the words left my lips
and pressed themselves into your skin 'love, love, i love you
i’m in love with you’
yours only grew silent.
i could pick apart the ways you twisted my love
made it something perverse and ruinous.
'you don’t know how to love someone’
and maybe i don’t but i thought with you i could try,
that i could learn be someone worth loving.
i was never one for fervent prayer
but i got my knees and i prayed to God.
i prayed for guidance and assistance.
i prayed for patience and wisdom.
i prayed to be absolved of the sin of loving you.
we were great, beautiful, and terrible things.
and i wonder if you ever truly loved me
the way i thought i loved you.

I memorized the way you spoke my name.
the way your lips curved around the vowels,
like the soft kisses you used to brush on the tops of my cheeks;
even the harsh consonants
rounded out to soft sounds.
soft lips, soft hands, soft sighs.
you said my name like a prayer, reverent,
as if holding a communion with God
and only He knew the right dips and sighs in pronunciation
yet He decided to share them with you.
there was teasing and jokes and nicknames,
but alone you whispered my name.
it had power. it had grace. it had meaning.
you were the only one who truly knew it.
sometimes i wonder, if when what we had died
my name died on your lips.

I wonder if I think of us in religious images
because I blame your God
(my God, our God, whose God)
for keeping us apart before we could begin.
I couldn’t find places of worship in your skin,
I couldn’t find them in the hard chapel pews.
They might be in the book you love,
That I struggle to make sense of
Because the words on the pages don’t match
The words in the sermon.
Between peace and impasse,
I’d pick the former if only it meant
Understanding where things went wrong.
Maybe loving you was sacrilegious.
Maybe the assurance that I was “good enough” That I was “worthy of love and loving”
Shouldn’t have made you bathe in holy water
And reread passages of your book
Looking for the answer to your prayers.
I couldn’t save you from self imposed damnation.
Your parents, your church, your faith.
I was never your salvation nor you mine.
But maybe I’ll pray for us,
Who we could have been and who we were
And hope that God still hears my prayers.

i’ve welded words like knives.
they say to build your walls up high
but levis break and dams fail
because to build up obvious defenses
means showing you have weakness to hide.

attack,
in brute strength
in cold precise strokes
in disinterest and neutrality
do not show anger
such humanity is a lofty goal
and you are a monster.

aspire to be less
to feel less
to hold yourself to less
you are worthless
(there is worth in worthlessness
for when you are gone
all that remains are your words like knives
but even those wounds eventually heal)

A diver and a feather both fall
simultaneously
from the same height
into a pool of still water.
The diver makes a slash,
the feather hardly a ripple.
But when they land
the water changes
in the same way it did
when you entered my life.

i.
i built a temple of devotion
my heart laid in offering
i christened it in blood and tears
and adorned it in cloth
built from words
pressed into a neck
and buried into ribs

ii.
i tore down a temple
my own place of worship
with blooded hands
and tear stain cheeks
i washed myself in the unholy seas
leave shrines and sanctuaries
in the hands of gods worth worshiping

iii.
i buried a seed in arid soil
laid forgotten in a dead land
parched
dry
i trampled over it
pushed it deeper within the ground
ignored
alone
i sought something i could not touch
but knew not how to dig

iv.
i stumbled by chance
into a home that was not my own
i sat around the hearth
and poked the idle flames
hestia laid beside me
but i could not see her face
she was joined by another woman
whom i did not know
they sat with me in silence
until the dawn broke again
when they moved on their way
inviting me to follow

v.
i know the feeling
of mortar and stone
there is grit underneath my nails
and a heaviness in my arms
but i’ve forgotten the structure
of temples built long ago
i know longer know
of altars offerings
made to mortals built up to gods

vi.
i want to build a home
brick by brick
your hands in mine
the sweat on our backs
turn over the earth
and plant roots beneath the ground
let it hold fast
in the weathering of storms
let it stay warm
in the cold of winter
let it be blessed and graced
in unity and strength
a home built upon steady foundation

Kissing girls is for white girls
with slim hips and delicate features
whose reputation cannot be varnished
by a few quick pecks in the dark.

She said: loving women is for white girls
because they all grow out of it
except the foolish ones with troubled families
and fathers that never stuck around.

But my skin was too dark
and my family image too well crafted
to justify wanting to mess around
with girls that would leave me for future husbands.

there is the rocking of hips,
a gentle pressing of lips,
my hands splayed on your chest,
fingers along the curve of my breast,
because when i am not wide awake,
it is my dreams that you do make.

when we met, the stars did not realign
for they were already aligned and
our meeting did not cause
the universe to tilt on its
carefully crafted axis and say:
"the sun and the moon and
all the stars (as they spin
in their orbits in this forever
expanding galaxy) depend
entirely upon your union"

yet it is known that the distance
from you to me can be measured
in years of light and that nothing
will have changed where no
time has come to pass and when
the exchange of words
cannot be measured (for they
drift among other stars
that are neither yours nor mine
nor anyone else's to compare)
since no more exist between you and i
we shall pass like a dying comet

as the sun consumes itself
only the moon knows it's hidden face
we shall be strangers again
so i, the moon,
stretching a cavernous face
into a half illuminating light
and you, a distant sun,
scorching hot to the touch
but burning with icy flames
will no longer know each other

but a simpler truth exists:
when we met, the stars did not realign
and when we part, the universe will
continue as it always has in its
expanding infinity as it drifts
with its endless suns and moons
and we shall pass like a memory
in the fading distance of a night sky

a satellite will fall tonight.
it will clatter to the earth
or splash into the sea.
it will shatter as it falls
in fragments and in flames.
its wings shall be clipped
as it loses its spot in the heavens.
and we will watch as it tumbles
to make a wish in its fiery light
as if it is a divine being that
silently hears our prayers
and answers each in kind.

tonight a satellite will fall.

Find the meaning between these lines,
Analyze each and every rhyme.
See the words all play out,
As the letters twist and shout.
Are we so caught up in meaning,
Wondering how the words are seeming
In the way they are employed,
That no rhyme can be enjoyed?

they tell me that these
are the best years,
but has my life
already run
out?

I dreamt of a kiss,
A brushing of lips,
Your hands against my face,
Mine curled around your waist.
The tug of your smile,
And fingers entwined in hair.
It was over too soon,
And when I opened my eyes,
I hope to see yours staring in mine,
But instead I awoke darkness,
Feet tangled in sheets,
And the whisper of a kiss,
That was all in my head.

You're not alone.
I'm by your side.
In the same way,
You are by mine.
Imagine my embrace,
And my words in your ear.
Feel the soft silence sounds,
Of encouragement.
Wherever you may go,
I will follow.
For as long as you want me,
For as long as you need me,
And even then it won't be so easy,
To rid yourself of this.
This friendship,
This love and quiet devotion.
While you worry if I will hate you,
As if I ever could,
Or if I will leave you,
As if I ever would,
I will stand firmly by your side.
And you firmly by mine.
Your tears are my tears,
Your heartache is mine as well.
I will clasp your hand,
Or pull back you hair,
Do whatever you may ask,
And that which you don't,
So that you will never again,
Feel alone.

I hate French.
The way the letters roll.
And the purring of the sounds,
As they touch my ears.
How there is a word,
For things that cannot be explained.
My feelings put in words,
I cannot comprehend.
                                                                ­            Staring,
Blankly at this new meaning,
Of this new emotion.
Feeling more vague,
And slightly confused,
As the purity of it,
Suddenly feels lost,
                                  missing,

In stupid French.

Say you love me tomorrow,
When the passion has died out,
When my hair is in tangles in knots,
But I don't seem to care.
Or when I stumble out of bed,
And land awkwardly on the floor.
Maybe when I elbow you in the stomach,
And laugh through my nose.
When pick at my peas,
And feed them to the dogs.
Or when I forget to turn off the lights,
And leave my socks under the couch.
When you realize I'm not a lady,
And can swear just like a sailor.
However it maybe,
Just say 'I love you' tomorrow.

Someone find me the ****** table,
I believe I've lost the game.
Is it to late now to fold,
When I've already gone all in?

Can someone tell me the rules,
Or the location of the manual.
Have I gone too far,
Without knowing what I'm doing?

You really are no help,
So I'll be fine in what I'm doing.
But can you spare one more moment,
To show me to the door?

Let's pretend that I don't love you,
(Because honestly I don't)
And that you're  not special.
(I would tell you if you were)
Compared to everyone I know.
(As a fact, they're all crazy)

How would I go about not loving you
(We both agree that I don't)
And still see you every day
(That is really way too much)
As if it's just the the same?
(I'm not afraid of change)

Let's pretend that I confessed,
(It's a stretch of the imagination)
Would you hear it with an open mind
(Like that joke I told yesterday)
And not push me away?
(You couldn't if you tried)

Now would you want me to love you
(If we are assuming that I did)
And cherish you with all my heart,
(As if I'd do something that sappy)
If I promised it all in every way?
(You know how I keep my word)

Now naturally I don't love you
(I'm making this perfectly clear)
At least in that way,
(Don't make assumptions)
So everything will stay the same.
(Because I love you.)

Let  me have you for the day.
I will give you back tomorrow,
Deliver you back to the arms
Of the person that you love.

Can't I love you for today?
Because surely by tomorrow,
My feeling will have faded
But the memory will carry me on.

Oh, it's only just one day.
And we both know by tomorrow,
We can return to what we were
And move on from past mistakes.

I only need one day.

my life has reached a crawl
an impasse a standstill
of which i cannot move forward –
back and forth and round and round
part of a cycle that goes on and on
until we reach a

stop

as it ceases to be of importance
significance lost?
the moment long past
to move to change to grow
it is here i stay the same until we

Stop.

See how I conform to the mold.
Oh how I make myself look like you,
How I make myself be like you.
The ways I make believe
When I know I have reached a

Crawl.

The slow moving motion.
A sleep ridden devotion.
Devoid of emotion.
But full of commotion.
Like a poisonous potion.

Crawl.

My life has reached a crawl.

As we move towards our goal.
Dawdling, dragging.
The things we try to achieve.
Farther, further.
We reach out our hands.
Slipping, sliding.

There in our vast pursuit.
Endless, ceaseless.
Barely escaping our grasp.
Fearful, Careful.
We reach out a little more.
Slowly, Boldly.

For the things we want to change.

You look at me with tear rimmed eyes,
Of desolate truths and well-worn lies.
I don't know what you expect me to say,
In order to make the fragile peace stay.
So that we mend our broken ties.

Help me so I may tell a fraction of what is real,
For the simple purpose of which to heal.
But the lines blur and mesh,
And the tears are raw and fresh.
Bearing the weight of our deal.

I will put into a language you can understand
so my point can finally get across
without your constant misconceptions and
twisting of my words.
Your ability is quite a rare talent
found only in a breed of superhumans -
otherwise known as math people.
They are the scientifically analytical and straightforward types
who use their wit and logical minds
to confuse the common folk with
unknown number sequences and expressions.
So that brings us to our problem at hand
how you can turn A plus B into C minus D.
The equation is simple enough,
because the variables are all there.
But the second I open my mouth,
they disappear, flying out of the window
to a land where math is native tongue.
There X times Y is two Pi squared.
Or negative B is positive C.
To put it in the simpliest terms:
Take the constant IAM all over
The product of one S and one O, times
the quantity of R squared, mulitiplied
by the term Y.
Strictly mathematically speaking of course.

Before you say goodbye,
there is one thing you should know;
in all the time you have known me,
I'm at a loss for words.
They have abandoned me at first chance
leaving fumbling parts behind.
Inkblots on crumpled paper and
loose fragments across a screen
are signs of words for thee.
Splayed across pages in notebooks,
and old hard-drives rest are
unshakable words belonging to you -
points of fluorescent lights or songs
without music that remain strumming and
humming in my head.
They are thoughts we wish to speak, but
better left unsaid until a voice is found
that sings the words of permanent ink playing havoc
with our minds and chaos with our souls.

Why would you hurt me,
Then say that you love me,
What do you want from me?

Why would you say those words,
And repeat those empty words,
How much power are in your words?

Why is it wrong for me to hate you,
When I know I can’t love you,
Why is the one with the power still you?

Why was it right to hurt me,
And feed me those meaningless words,
How could I have believed you?

Why did I let you fool me,
With your sweet words?

I hate you.

Sometimes you realize that you are not only wrong,
But you royally ******* up.
You realize that the things that are important to you now,
May not be so important later.
You realize that one day you may give it all up,
But you’re not ready to think about it.

You’re not ready to grow up and let go of childish things,
But you’re old enough to judge others.
You can’t decide what to wear,
Yet you think you can run your own life.
You’re too old for this,
But too young for that.

Just realize…
There are times to fight,
There are times to give in.
Times when you must choose,
To live by your own rules.
Or the ones set up.

And when you realize,

Your life might finally be your own.

Mother dearest how I love you so,
All the times I wished you were there.
To hold me and tell me that you care,
Even whilst brushing my hair.

Mother dearest I know notwhat to do,
To tell you the pain in my soul,
For which only you can console,
And fill up the empty whole.

Mother dearest even I know,
How in secret I cried,
And you wished for me to confide,
But I left your hands tied.

Mother dearest I promise you,
Even though I know not what to say,
I will not turn you away,
And we will get by day by day

Lost girl,
Wherere are you?
Lost in your own body,
Or drowning in your dreams?

Lost girl,
Do you hear me?
Calling out your name,
Or whispers turned into screams?

Lost girl,
Do you feel weak?
Only holding back your cries,
Or teetering on a balance beam?

Lost girl,
Don't you understand?
How strong I think you are,
Or how full of life you seem?

Lost girl,
You are not lost,
But waiting to be found.

Let me rest my head,
Upon this pillowy bed.
And the arms of the sea,
Gently embrace me.

Let me not awake,
And my fears do take.
Craddled in the beaches hands,
As I reach shimmering lands.

Let them not see me cry,
Or the dew upon mine eye.
My wish not to fright,
These sweet jewels of the night.

Let me sleep through the day,
As the pain ebbs away.
Quietly making amends,
As the tide comes to cleanse.

Let me pick up my head,
From this thorny bed.
You arms of the sea,
No longer entice me.