I miss

Who I was
Before you

Before us

Before I grew
Into this
Emotionless emotional
Being
Human they say

I wan none of this
A black heart
A soul
That screams!

From within
I writhe and thrash
But I cannot

I need a light
A door or window
To crash threw

Someone open up
Let me in
I want to burn again

Not die
This black husk
Of what is left

Set me on fire
Let me burn

I want to go back
To us
To myself

But you,
Gone now
Seen me with others and
Well moved on

I'll wonder threw people
Trying to replace
You
Me
Us

You tumble your gentle words
into the well of my inarticulate silence
Beckoning excitedly to me to come, come
And the ghosts, they don’t quite know what to do
In the presence of joy as lovely as your’s

You remember the best of me
When i barely understand the worst
And amidst the madding throngs
quietly retell those stories of old
In the most familiar of voices
Until they seep into my skin and well my eyes
with long streams of relief

For all my exquisite words I still cannot articulate
How home draws incomprehensibly closer
When you simply let me be
the girl I thought I forgot

I did what I was supposed to do
Yet it is turning out the same
I'm still running out of green pills
The ones that keep me sane

I did what I was supposed to do
Yet I still feel the same
I'm taking more orange pills
For I fear I'm going insane

I did what I was supposed to do
I counted to ten
But then I kept counting
Hoping I'd see my self around the bend

I did what I was supposed to do
It didn't really change a thing
I made a dreaded phone call
At least the voices were nowhere to sing

I did what I was supposed to do
It doesn't help the present problem
I made an appointment
At least I called them

I did what I was supposed to do
I left the house how I should
I kept my responsibilities
At least I could

I did what I was supposed to do
But I still feel the same
All of these **** things
And I still feel insane

Where do you start
when you have no end?
Is this just the beginning,
or are we rounding the bend?

Suddenly, there was sun.
I wanted to bask in it,
To take it all in.
The rays touched  me,
Talked to me ways
People around couldn't.
I couldn't put on sunscreen,
The way this feels -
Enriching and enlightening -
I would never put a mask
Between it and I.