darling you just pulled the trigger,
my brain does the rest of the work for free.

Do I or don't I?
It's a double edged sword
And I'm cutting myself with both sides.
It's a comfortable torture,
Which is horrifying in itself.
Tonight I dance with self inflicted silence
Again; and I forget to breathe.
Every second petal fell...
Screaming
HE
      LOVES
                   YOU
                           NOT.
Where do I fall from here?
Memories rush of times when I let blood dry
Night after night again on my thigh.
He was there, but what constellation do I call home now?

You are my home, my heart and the stars.
What have I done?
It feels cold; so cold and the air is fragile
When you're silent.
But my flat lining heart isn't as quiet as I'd like.

It was a momentary encounter
Just a momentary thought
A moment which was wasted
A moment that didn't matter

I pushed myself into the hands of another mistake
I pushed myself into another ditch full of fire and thorns
I said I didn't really care
But in that moment, I didnt know that secrete was there

Am I now on the sideline
Or am I just one big waste
Am I just someting you once wanted that you couldn't have?
Am I just too hard to get and you don't think I'm worth the fight?

Although I'd never kiss you
Although I'd never want to be with you
I just wanted that feeling...
Of being wanted.

I'd like to be able to write again, but the universe is turning too slow in the wrong direction.
My heart drips instead of duh-dums
And my breath slips.

Rhyming sticks to the top of my mouth catching grains of rhythm as I regurgitate yesterday's thoughts.

I haven't been able to write lately, not because I am a bumbling busy body, but because time is frozen, I'm cemented and dissolving into the tasteless air.
Everything is too colourful lately, too... anything for me to understand.

Maybe I should start reading again, go back to painting stale blue skeleton hands with not enough paint.

Maybe that's my problem... There's not enough paint in my life.

I grew up with fistfuls of gravel,
concrete eyes,
and steel knees;
My bed time stories
were slurred whispers,
"Hold steady"
and
"Stay calm
through the pain";
I knew the eerie discomfort
of that lump in my throat,
the one that grew
from holding back tears,
before I knew how the
salt water tasted
when it rolled off my lashes
and down to my bottom lip;
By the time I was 16
my knuckles were
calloused and bleeding
from digging into my spine
so hard for so long,
forcing myself to stand up straight,
even when my thighs were
shaking with exhaustion

So please forgive
my sharp edges
and rough hands.
I know my kisses
taste like metal
but I was raised to bite my tongue,
Please forgive me.
I cannot say,
"I love you"
and I know how you ache
to hear me exhale
it into the dark
of your bedroom,
But please be patient
as my lips
learn the
pattern of those
words in succession
for the first time;

My whole life
has been grey
and pavement/
You are green eyes,
pink elbows,
coconut teeth,
snow covered Sundays,
sun drenched windowsills,
And you make me want to feel.
So please accept me,
apologies, lose ends & dry eyes.
Please accept me and
please don't leave me grey

N**ever would I have imagined you'd like me, even if it was only for a day.

You were so sweet to me. I loved the compliments you gave me, and I absolutely adored the way I made you blush and smile shyly and awkwardly. It somehow made you look even better than you already do.

Everytime we hugged I could feel how you would fit perfectly in my arms. It felt like the last piece of the puzzle was finally in place. The warmth you made me feel was unlike anything I had felt before, and when we kissed... well, I can't even begin to describe how your kisses made me feel. They took me out of this world, even out of my own body. They made me fly to a place where nothing could go wrong... but it eventually did.

It all went away as soon as it had come, but, even if it was short lived, I really developed feelings for you. My friends told me I was crazy, confused, even desperate.

You really just were too good... too good to be true.

These four walls don't recognise me anymore,
And lately I've been waking up cold.
Where the distance sways... I falter.
It's so dizzying keeping up
With a universe whose heart is beating
Too fast.
There are days where I forget
That the blood in my veins is mine.
Hallucinations of opaque canvases
Dappled with a hundred strokes of paint.
The blood in my veins isn't blood at all...
When did it all become pain...t.
I regularly dissect the chambers of my heart,
Mental images of ripping apart the last thing I stood for;
A solitary beat that was never meant to be heard.

Here it is
the poem on survival, the one you've all been waiting for
where I learned to untie the noose from my smile,
my smile from the trigger warning.
Here's your trigger warning:

I shivered when you kissed me.
I had a hard time believing my heartbeat was a good thing; had a hard time
believing the front door was still an option.
I wake up some days and remember when I used to sing bruises onto my skin,
fill up large towels with my blood,
watch it go black,
watch everything go black.
Still remained smiling;
still stood with the scars; with the ink between my teeth baring
a warning sign for whoever comes next,
for whoever wants my body without wanting my mind.
here it is
here is how i survived:

I hurt myself

I still do it just doesn't show
the scarring.
here it is baby boy come inside its about to get ugly,
you're about to see me cry,
you're about to see me shake,
you're about to find out what im really made of,
I'm about to find out if you break.

are you scared yet
this is a challenge you never step down from,
you brave boy!
you with your sword and white horse;
shining at the darkness inside of me; shining at the stench inside me ; come here,
make me feel whole.