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Johnnie Rae Oct 2016
I. Your touch is like bones breaking; unforgettable, and breathtaking.
   I know that normally people don't associate love with broken bones
  but even when you cause me pain, I am still so effortlessly in love.

II. On the day that you made me yours,
     you rekindled a fire in me that I thought
    had long since died.

III. And in those eyes that resemble speckled emeralds,
      I see a future brighter than I could have made for myself.
     The feeling is treacherous, to love someone more than yourself.

IV. The thought of you lingers in my bone marrow,
      and it doesn't leave, not even in sleep,  
      you live within my bloodstream.

V. You ignite a fire inside me,
     hotter than I knew was possible in relative existence,
    and every day I burn for you, slow and consistent.

VI. Sometimes I wish you would strip me down
      and love me like a limited resource,
      like I'm a priceless medal, or gem of iridescent hue.

VII. You're the type of guy that gets me to put my phone down
        and that's an accomplishment in itself.
        you're more interesting than the internet, and that's romanticism.

VIII. Your kiss is like electricity, but instead of electrocution,
         you send shivers down my spine,
        and put the sparkle in my eyes.

IX. They say that home is where the heart is,
      and before I met you, I'd never been home before,
      you are my home.

X. I've run out of words to tell you how much I love you
    so now my next mission is to transcribe a new language,
    to do just that.
Johnnie Rae Jun 2015
He asked if he could kiss me,
and I told him no when I realized
it wouldn't be his face I saw
when I closed my eyes,
when I realized it would mean
hours of remembering, keeping me up
till morning light,
recounting the good times,
what I had, and what I lost.
When he asked if he could kiss me,
I somehow knew he wouldn't be able
to rekindle the fire in my eyes
I somehow knew he couldn't fix
what had been broken inside.
So when he asked if he could kiss me,
I turned away and told myself
that I couldn't be put in
the position to be hurt again,
couldn't experience love again
until the longing died.
Being needed, I'd decided, would
only make things worse.
So when he offered me his heart
to hold, I handed it back to him,
and told him not to be so trusting.
Johnnie Rae Dec 2015
You make it hard to sleep.
I'm tucked under comforters at 3 am
with the image of your face in the absence of moonlight stuck in my head and I have never been more comfortable than I am
when you hold me up in the air as if
you're trying to show the
whole world my apparent beauty.
And then, you kiss me.
And smiling mouths kiss better
than ones that frown so I pray
that I can keep that grin plastered
on your face just long enough
to connect lips like constellations
yet again.
God I am a mess but I wouldn't have it any other way because
you are comparable to the
shining light that leads me
out of the gallows,
and brightens all the corridors
in my gloom filled head.
I wish I could whisper all of this
into the curve of your neck while you hold me but I can never find words
and form them into correct sentences,
rather than incoherent gibberish
while under the trance that is
the feel of your fingertips
I'm tucked under comforters at
3 am thinking about how lucky I am
and that's why I was late for school this morning.
I overslept dreaming of all we could become.
Johnnie Rae Aug 2012
It's three o'clock in the afternoon,
theres absolutely nothing to do,
oh god, how I wish I was with you,

There's nothing I'd rather do,
than spent a day, with you,  
just laying in bed with music playing,
talking and laughing and kissing and holding,
believe me when I tell you,
theres nothing I'd rather be doing,
than cuddling with you,

Its a dream that will soon come true,
for December's icy chill will bring you to me,
and we'll be happy for a while,
that is,
until you have to leave again,
then i'll be a wreck,
because I'd rather keep you forever,
but I'll know not to fret,
because we'll soon be together again,

It's 3 in the afternoon,
and I'd do anything, just to be with you
Written for someone special, love you.
Johnnie Rae Oct 2016
If this is reality i don't wanna be a part anymore;

take me to a place where bones don't rattle
like tin cups against prison cell doors when you're alone
on your sofa questioning when the right time is to end it all.
A place where teeth don't grind like subway car
wheels when coming to a sudden stop.
My anxiety is swallowing me like a storm out at sea,
the saddest part is I'm letting it,
submitting to it's foul tongue like it will feed
instead of eat away at me until I'm rail thin
and no longer have the desire to eat,
because, why beat a dead horse?

Every coping mechanism I've created over the years
fails to keep my breathing even now,
my reflection screams failure and busy streets
look like exit signs. I don't want to live like this.
Getting high just to get by isn't cutting it anymore.
I keep trying to tell myself I'll be okay,
but the silver slivers and dashing headlights
are so enticing I don't know how long I'll last.
Johnnie Rae Sep 2012
Collect your thoughts in the dark,
for it is said the imagery is clearer with the lights off,
Write out your thoughts at midnight,
for it is said that you are blind in the daylight,

Sometimes it is best not to speak,
for the silence tells all,
sometimes its best not to listen,
because you already know whats right,
sit in silence for a moment,
hear the ****** screams of truth in the night,

Self discipline is key,
for you must know how to act on your own,
to do without being told,

Sometimes sleep is the last thing you need,
because you'd rather stay up and think till sunrise,
think about all the reasons you have not to cry,
as you blink back tears,
remember all you have to be strong for,

Just remember, it is never cowardly to want to back down,
because only you know how much you can take,
for not everyone can bend before they break,

Whenever you want to give up,
because you simply feel you cannot go on,
let the stars be your guide,
they'll lead you onto the path you must follow,
and always remember as long as you focus on the moonlight,
There will always be a better tomorrow
I honestly feel I could've done better with this..but ohwell.. Comments?
Johnnie Rae Feb 2016
My body is a temple; equipped with
hollow spots in-between each brittle rib.
Say hello to the gaps that were left when you did,
I've dedicated them to your very existence,
growing daisies in the spring time
within them to try and distract myself from
the absence of your fingertips on my skin.
With lips that sometimes take on a shade of periwinkle
when trying to remember what air tastes like,
trying to remember how to breathe evenly
trying to remember how to breathe
I mouth my regret at ever letting you in.
You are the stray hiding under the porch that
I don't have the money to feed, but can't seem to get rid of;
a leech that's come to like the taste of my blood.

I didn't know hurt on a first name basis
until you made me shake his clammy hand,
with eyes like black saucers and a tea kettle to match,
we indulged in scones and questioned anything that
didn't fit into our understanding of fire and brimstone.
Self trained nihilists, life was a game and we didn't
quite understand the point of playing
so we sit with our hands in our laps,
thumbs circling each other like it was some sort of race
and our lips parted ever so slightly,
waiting for the magic to happen.

The thing is, I wasn't trained as a magician.
there is no deck of cards, no magic curtain,
only a girl with lips, hips, fingertips,
all taught to sway in your presence. I don't know if it's magic
but if your breath stops short in your chest I must
be doing something right, right?
A song and dance I know all too well,
the smile, nod, giggle,
twirl your hair between ******* and stand in a way
that accents the attractiveness bred into your hips
by ancestors taught to do the very same.

The most haunting thing in all this,
is that I water the daisies in my chest daily
not because I can't forget, no,
but because I want to remember
want to live the rest of my life setting examples
of everything women shouldn't have to be
shouldn't want to be
shouldn't be bred to please
shouldn't sing crescendos in response to cat calls
and black and blue expectations. If you want perfection buy a barbie,
we are flesh and blood and sweat and tears
not your ******* play thing.

You cannot set fire to our hearts and then expect us
to bat our eyelashes daintily,  
whisper sweet nothings into the neck that creaks with contradiction.
Our love is not a force to be reckoned with
remember, sweet child, from whence you came
a woman herself carried you for nine back breaking months
to bring you into this world
a woman can just as easily take you out of it, maybe even easier.
Not many would open their mouths to relay this message
I suppose maybe I am a blip in the fabric of ancestry.
Somewhere in the makeup of my DNA, I gained a voice
and I fully intend to use it against idiocy.
Today I am throwing out my gardening tools,
these daisies in my rib cage no longer need tending
I have finally learned to know my worth without attaching
someone else's name to it.
Maybe it's time for you to do the same.
Johnnie Rae Aug 2012
Shattered windows, broken dreams,
seemed to be all that was left of me,
and as I walk around this splintered wood,
I start to think of all that should be,
but never got to be,

As I walk through this broken home,
I think of all the pain,
I have come to know,
and I look up at the moon,
how brightly it glows,
and what does this come to show?

Dawn breaks in this sad place,
and a bit of hope floods,
this broken home,
rids it of all the pain it has come to know,
and what does all this come to show?

Happiness is reachable,
and depression is beatable,
as long as you follow through
Johnnie Rae Aug 2012

what if there was no color?

Then, we'd all drown in,
                                                the blackness,

and fade into the white,
                 but all so elegant,

                                                                  and whiskey,
                                         They are not your friends,
                                     but keep them close,
                                 for they are enemies

and we're back at the beginning again.
okay, so my first attempt at anything abstract..
I brutally failed..
Johnnie Rae Feb 2013
A day in bliss.
I couldn't be much happier than this.

We're walking through trails,
Fingers intertwined as we roam about paradise,

The bliss soon comes to an end.

Someone grabs me from behind,
And a blade is pressed against my neck,

I analyze the situation,
And as a tear slips down my cheek,

I whisper,

Leave me. Let him have me. He'll only **** us both,
I don't need us both to die,

I managed to choke out with what was my last breath

The unidentified predator slit my throat,
As I watched you walk away.
A dream I had. I woke up crying.
Johnnie Rae Apr 2013
This is our generation.
We will think we know everything,
About everything there is to know,
When in reality,
We have a lifetime to learn.
We are young and we are stupid,
But we will not admit to this.
We will fight until we feel we've won.
We will take charge,
Where no charge was needed.
We will argue until our opponent backs down.
And we will believe that we are better than everyone else,
And that everyone else is just stupid.

We will skin our knees,
And rip our jeans,
And cut and dye our hair,
Until we fear it may fall out.
We will turn the music up way too loud,
And scream along to a song we've never heard.
We will drown out everything around us with headphones,
And risk going deaf in the process.
We will make stupid decisions once,
And do it again,
After we swear we've learned.
We will make promises just to break them,
Find all the risks just to take them,
And try to learn to fly.
And shortly after, crash to the ground.
We will then have our hearts broken,
And stomped on.
We will think love doesn't exist,
To then only think we can't live without it.
We will think we can't live without someone else,
And then we will hate everyone.
Including ourselves.
There will be days where we want to die,
And days where we wonder why we ever thought that.
We will feel invisible.
We will feel numb.
We will be so depressed,
We just want it to end,
But we will know,
that if it doesn't get better,
It isn't over yet.  
And then we will even doubt that.
We will doubt everything, until we hate ourselves yet again.
And this will not change for a while.
But when it does, it will be amazing.

I wish I could tell you this is avoidable,
But we all share the same fate.
In a world of teens,
Is a world of dreams,
That we will break our backs trying to make reality.
And in a world of teens,
There is a world of parents,
That have a right to say no.
No matter how much you think otherwise.
We are the wise ones.
Or so we think.
Really, we are the idiots, just trying to belong,
And failing, mostly all the time.
There is nothing we can do to change this,
Except wait.
Wait until you know everything.
But let me tell you.
You don't know everything,
Until you've accepted that you truly know nothing,
And you've got a lifetime to learn.
When my boyfriend tries to apologize for being a **** up. I just told him, this is a generation of **** ups. We've got a lifetime to learn.
Johnnie Rae Sep 2012
That moment when you realize, life will never be the same,
I mean, *******, it feels as if you left just as fast as you came,
The reaction to you leaving me, I'll tell you it burnt me like the hottest flame,
I was so ashamed,
for having said all the things I said before your death,
but please, I beg, don't think I loved you any less,
Johnnie Rae Sep 2012
You are like a huntsman spider, thats the best way to describe you,
my stars, you are still terrifying,
and I'd love to press you into memory,
away, away, away, you need to stay, away,
yet you're beautiful, in the strangest of ways,
your delicate, yet masculant, capable body, on my white sheets,
so instead of killing you, I spare your still short life,
I slip you into a glass jar, and put you out,
and pray you don't come back,
For there is nothing I need from a terrifying creature, such as a huntsman spider,
I have no idea who this is about, but Comments?
Johnnie Rae May 2012
Sometimes, the girl with the biggest smile,
Has the most pain to hide,
That girl that always says shes fine,
Is holding all the tears inside,
The girl that always seems so happy,
She solves her problems, by drawing lines,
So, next time she says shes fine,
You'll know its a lie,
Because she may look happy on the outside,
But on the inside, she's dying.
Johnnie Rae Jan 2013
Pluck a few strings to induce happiness,
for what's life without melody?
The way you play brings back memories,
memories of the simple things,
back when my life wasn't labeled with tragedy,

Back when I believed things weren't so bad,
and even thought they might get better,
if I fought for what I believed,
so play me a melody, bring me back to those days,

The days that were care free,
golden hair and evidence of sunny days on freckled cheeks,
and blue eyes that sparkled like diamonds,
Instead of radiating darkness,

I'd give anything to relive those days,
where the most I had to worry about,
was going to school during the day,
didn't have to worry about coming home to misery,
day after day after spiritbreaking day,
To crawl into bed at night and wish to die,

But I guess those days are gone,
so I'll put on a smile and move on,
like things have never been better,
and the only ones that will know how I'm really feeling,
are the acoustic, and you,
because now, you've seen all of me.
Spend a night jamming out with a friend of your uncles, and then get into a conversation about your problems, and you'll end up pouring your heart out, just like I did tonight.
Johnnie Rae Feb 2013
I've just had an epiphany, that solves everything.
Maybe not the way we'd like it to be,
But it's better for both of us I promise,

Long distance relationships.
I hate to say this,
But they can be damaging.
That ever present longing,
To be with that one person,
That you know can't even get close to,
That's beyond hurt.

I really hate to end it. I do.
But I'm coming to find out, it's necessary.
For both of us to be okay.
And because of this,
From the bottom of my heart,
I'm sorry.

Just know that doesn't change how much I love you.
That will never change.
You're a part of me now.
One that won't go away.
And even though we're no longer what we were,
I hope I can still be considered your bestfriend.

Because that's always gonna be what you are to me.
Johnnie Rae Jul 2013
I hope you know
you make me sick.
You're ****.
I hope you ******* die on the street,
Because that's where you put yourself.

I decided to sleep over you and your girls house.
I didn't think anything of sleeping in the same bed.
You know why?
Because you were right ******* next to her.  
But oh no. I wake to find you touching me.
It took me everything I had not to scream.
You're sick.
I was asleep.
There was no consent.
I hope you realize it's ****.
I could put you away.
1st degree ****..
That'll get you a couple years.

That girl gave you everything.
She loved you with everything she had.
Now, she sits on a doorstep crying her eyes out,
because of you.
She gave you everything.
She gave you ******* everything.
A place to live.
Food to eat.
She loved you with everything she had.
And you betray her.
With her sleeping right next to you.

Wasn't it so convenient?
How you decided you were gonna sleep between us?
I know that's not where you normally slept.
If things went as they normally did, she would have been in between us.
But no, you decided to switch things up.
So as soon as I fell asleep, you could get what you wanted.
You're ******* sick, and I'm glad you're gone.
This is in no way fictional. I see it every time I close my eyes.
Johnnie Rae May 2015
Memories of yesterday
have started to feel like
dark chocolate tastes: bittersweet.
We used to exist as one.
Now, the dead grass crunches
and sings melodramatic harmonies,
as I am forced to walk away.
The springs of your mattress would
screech out lullabies underneath
the weight of our sleeping bodies.
Now there is only silence to keep me warm.
Your ignorance now screams in tones
low enough to shake the ground
beneath my aching feet.
I am tired of standing around waiting.
Tired of existing only as your past.
Johnnie Rae Jun 2012
Well, looks like the tears all dried up,
My life has never been more ****** up,
I resort to tears when theres no blood to shed,
And to pain when there are no tears left,
Resorting to words is my only option that i've got left,
Those comforting words you said,
They're the only thing that I can let run through my head,
At a time like this,
When all the emotions are clouding reality,
When I start to wonder why my good friend death hasn't taken me,
I start to want to just cuddle up and die, with no reason left to live,
I stutter and choke on my words, when I say I'm fine,
It's getting really hard to lie, when all I want to do is cry, because all these idiots left me dead inside,
Now they're trying to help me, but its not working, all this attention I don't want,
Leaving me feeling guilty for the marks I made, when all I was doing was trying to save myself,
From the overthinking beast I call me,
Yes I know I had a strange way of doing this, taking to the blade,
But come on, it was just a way of coaping of my strange reality.
Not feeling too good...
Johnnie Rae Jan 2013
I had a dream that you could fly,
with clipped wings,

Despite your disadvantage,
you soared effortlessly,

And at heights,
not even the bravest could fathom,

And this my dear,
is why I truly believe,

That you are an angel,
dressed in the devils clothing.
Johnnie Rae Jul 2015
She threw me for a loop.

She jumped off the wagon at full speed
and fell, like she wouldn't feel a thing
like cold, hard ground wasn't the enemy.

I couldn't rationalize her thinking.
Not if I tried for the same months
She spent struggling in that facility.

Not if I tried for the same lifetime,
She was supposed to spend fighting
and asking for the inner peace she needed to stay alive.

She threw me for a loop.

I'm spending my time looking for escape routes
trying not to end up at the bottom,
where she seemed to put herself willingly.

Forgetting all she fought for,
all the time she spent,
looking for a new beginning.

She threw me for a loop.

Now I'll spend my late nights
looking for the stability
she abandoned for yesterday's highs.

Solid ground must have meant nothing
compared to the excitement she found
in running from her worries.

My head throbs with the idea,
that she finds more comfort in toxicity
than she did in the sobriety that brought her back to me.

She threw me for a loop, and I'm still spinning.
Johnnie Rae Feb 2013
I told you I wasn't angry with you,
And that's true.
In a way, I'm angry at myself.
But I won't say that to you.
In a way I wish I could take it back,
But I won't ask to,
Because I know the answer already,
And I don't want to hear it,
Its stated through you.
The way you talk to me,
That's how I know, I put a knife through your heart one too many times.
And this, is the reason, I am angry at myself.
Johnnie Rae Sep 2015
I am not so much afraid of falling
as I am afraid of the sound my bones
would make against unforgiving pavement,
if you were to neglect to open your arms.
I apologize if I don't immediately
trust your charming smile, but in past
experience, behind a charming smile
lies an appreciation for liquor bottles
and the art of a good disappearing act.

If I seem wary of your good intentions
know it is only because I have experienced
abuse and neglect, and it isn't quite as easy
to get over as the self-help books say it is.
Because of this, sometimes I am distant.
Sometimes I create a spiny shell around
myself to keep from experiencing more of
what i have previously had to run away from.
or even suffer the loss of.

Sometimes I put more thought into my writing
than I do into my relationships because
after a countless streak of falters,
you begin to think that is all there is to expect.
I am sorry that I am damaged, and I
am also sorry that I would never expect
anyone to have the power to fix it.
As time has passed and I have been wrecked,
I lost the expectancy to be put back together again.

Though I hate to be alone, I will probably
push you away, trade you for the solitude of my
tiny bedroom. After being left time and time again,
I have been forced to leave, myself because
I would rather experience loneliness than heartbreak.
Funny thing is, I'm learning they are close to the same.
Johnnie Rae Dec 2015
I guess I could have put all this into a text message, but I wanted you to have something written by these weathered hands.
I swear if you make me smile one more time, my face will crack. My cheeks will split like chapped lips in winter air, and it will prove that feelings like this can hurt too, no matter how amazing they are.
You make me feel alive. It's almost as if you walked into my head, and told all the bad things they had to find another place to live. That my subconscious was no longer their place to crash. I hope that makes sense to you. If it doesn't, I apologize, as a writer I have an analogy for everything and sometimes I'm too cryptic for my own good.
The truth is you make me so nervous because every good thing I've ever experienced has ended in agony, and this is so good that I'm afraid in the end it might **** me. There's a gnawing in the pit of my stomach, telling me to run because it's never as good as it seems. But I ignore it, and stay, because I trust you.
I trust you so much it is scary.
The feels, man.
Johnnie Rae Feb 2013
Relationships are meant for two,
But there's me.
And then there's you.
And then theres that raging blue ocean that killed us.

No. I killed us.
I plunged a knife through your newly mended heart.

I always knew I'd be the one to hurt you.
No. Not because of the distance.
Because I love you. And love hurts.
Strange analogy I know,
But it makes sense in my head.

****. No it doesn't.
I'm horrible.
I lied to you and now,
I'm sitting here lying to myself.
I knew I wasn't good for you,
Even though you were more than good for me.

I still say you were the one who taught me how to live again,
How to love again,
How to realize that there is good,
Somewhere in this ****** up world,
And that if I look hard enough,
I'll realize it was staring at me, straight faced, the whole ******* time.

But I gave it up.
Because I thought I could get something better.

Hell. Not better.
What is the definition of better,
When you were the best I ever had?
I gave up my everything, for a single sensation.
A stupid temptation,
Created by drugs, and feelings.
But I swear it was something real,
Or.. Was it?

God ******.
To whoever's reading this. I'm sorry.
I know this must make no sense.
And if that's what you're thinking,
You're right. It doesn't. Not even to me.
All I know, is I'm severely confused,
And openly bleeding.

I do know one thing.
One thing that stands clear in my mind.
I love you. And despite what I told you,
I don't think I ever stopped.
I love you so much it's killing me to say otherwise.

But there's a second element in the mix,
And you know exactly what(who) it is.
I'm really sorry. But that's something I won't lie about.
I won't deny having the slightest bit of feelings for him.
Because I've done you enough wrong.
And I won't let you live on thinking that  everything is resolved.

Because its not.
There's still a mess in my head.
Next to the one that was already existent.
This ones freshly formed, and still growing.
**** like this is just flooding my mind.
No wonder I'm half past crazy,
And the meter is still climbing.

But back to the point.
I'm sorry.

I can't tell you I have all this figured out.
And I can't tell you I will anytime soon,
But I know one thing.
I really do still love you.
And despite all of this,
I'm really glad you love me too.
Okay. I wrote this to find answers. I found none.
Johnnie Rae Sep 2014
I'm drowning in scribbled over notes,
paragraphs of novels assigned,
questions I'm supposed to know the answers to,
conjugations I'm supposed to learn for German 2.

School work, homework, dishes, done.
sleep comes easy to the overworked.
Tired minds make assumptions too quickly,
and this is my main reasoning for never speaking.

In early morning hours,
before sleep finally comes,
I'll question everything under the sun,
and answers just won't come.

It's curse of high school living.
The curse of constantly controlled breathing,
making sure to keep pace with my heart rate,
because if I don't it may spike.

Anxiety is my daily dividend,
making sure to keep me at length from any friends,
making sure to keep me at length from any progress,
making sure to keep me afraid.
Johnnie Rae May 2012
I have a pessimists heart,
It's been that way from the start,
See the negative in everything,
My dear I tell you,
I've got a pessimists heart,

This is something that will never change,
It's been this way too long to change,
I always know something will go wrong,
I feel as if I knew it would happen all along,
My predictions are almost never wrong,
So my dear, I'll tell you again,
I've got myself a pessimists heart,

Now, many people want my ways to change,
They want me to see the bright side of things,
But that won't happen,
Because they're is no bright side to this world I see,
The world I see, it's never happy,
Things at home are beginning to suffocate me,
Some day, I'm going to leave,
And not come back,
That will be the day I begin to see things optimistically.
This is me, optimistic, never been.
Johnnie Rae Feb 2015
Remember how you used to hold me?
before the anti-depressants were needed,
and your mind was riddled,
with bipolar discrepancies.
for that now.
And as he lines my collarbone,
with the light kisses,
that will line my dreams,
'till morning light.
It's moments like those,
where I realize,
I spent a little too much,
looking for a reason to leave,
when the only one I needed,
was standing in front of me.
Johnnie Rae Jul 2013
about everything that is anything about me.
From my head to my toes,
I find myself disgusting.
about the way I can never seem
to find myself pretty
because I'm not.
to know that
I'll never be as good
as I could be
because I'm not as pretty
as I'd like to be.
to look in the mirror
and see an image of self hatred
staring back at me.
about the way
my thighs are too fat
and my chest
is too flat
and my **** is too big
and I just can't seem to
lose those last five pounds
that are driving me insane.
about the way
I'll skip meals and
then feel sick but won't
say anything
because beauty hurts
and to be sick is to be thin.
about the way
I can't seem to stay
happy, even though I keep
telling myself I should be.
about the way
I can't stop smoking
and I can't stop cutting
all because I like
how it takes the
pain away.
about the way
every time I see a razor blade
I get this rush of anxiety
that I can't shake until
I give into the pain
about they way
I can't seem to kick this
Nicotine addiction so
I can stop shaking.
about the way
every time I climb
higher up the ladder
I fall twice as fast
and even farther down
into places the sun just
doesn't reach.
about the way
people love me
and I just can't seem
to do the same

for myself.
Johnnie Rae Jul 2012
After a day of questioning what had went on that night,
Here I stand,
Looking down a long winding road,
The road known as denial,

Remembering the slurred words,
As I threw another shot back,
Remembering the pain as it went down my throat,
Cutting at reality like a dull blade,
Slicing its way into my mind,
Killing what was left of my control,

The night I'm glad I forgot,
But they'll make me remember,
When they know i'm fine with forgeting,
Because somethings, are better left forgotten,
Than to trudge around, in the murky water that was called past,

This is the present and I live for the future,
No looking back on the mistakes I've made,
They do not define me as a person,
So lets forget the night on the beach,
*act as if it never happened
I wasn't going to post this, and I've had it for a while now, but here you go.
Johnnie Rae Jul 2012
I feel so bad,
Whenever I get you involved,
In this hell I live in, i hate making you suffer,

But I have to say,
I like that you listen,
When i pour my heart out, looking for something to love again,
You're always there,
When my vision shades gray,
And its like Im all alone,
Your always right there,
Telling me about a better day,
Love is great, when  you get love from someone like you

I can finally talk to someone,
Who wont judge me, and turn me away when theres nothing interesting to say,
You stick by me,
And I wouldnt want it anyother ******* way,

I've said it before, and I'll say it again,
You really are my bestfriend, and you always have been,
Thats what makes us click,
A simple connection,
And the ability to show emotion.
Johnnie Rae Mar 2015
I would draw you,
If only my fingers
didn't shake.
Johnnie Rae Jul 2019
if we believe
we can achieve...

the lowest depths of insanity:
the very height of the losing streak

gambling is a dangerous game
not because of the money,
but the repetition of negativity
that can actually hold the brain captive.
it clanks a mug against the metaphorical
prison bars of the psyche.

so stuck in the chase that you present
the inability to hold out for even mere minutes
because there's "hands to be dealt" and
"stakes to be raised."

the recklessness you allow yourself to continue
until you're at your wits end
wondering why you haven't stopped yet,
or perhaps, why you even started to begin with?

it's not a game of skill or wit,
it's rigged to make the player feel superior

but only until they've got
nothing left.
Johnnie Rae Aug 2012
I want,
      a pretty looking
                leaf to fall,
                    and float through
                the air,

                                      Without a single,
                                            the float through the
                                    breezy air.
     autumn air,
             come to me,
     how I love the breeze,
autumn air, please come to me,
       I miss,
                 The whymsical way,
                                the leaves fall,
                            from the trees,
                     and are finally free,
               to float in the breeze,
Johnnie Rae Aug 2012
Am I speaking clearly?
Or just speaking circles around you
In which are twisting around you,
So tight they cut the skin,
Is this conversation hurting you,
Suffocating you so badly your tounge is getting dry?

And how are the wounds healing from last time we met?
Your wrists look much better, not so worn and dead,
So honey tell me, are you feeling better yet?

Or are my words slicing at your eyes like knives,
Are you lying when you say your fine?
Are my statements eating away at your head,
hollowing out your cheeks so you look half-past dead,
Is it I whom is ******* your life away with every day that passes by?

Will you ever get better?; I hate seeing you this way,
You look as if you might fall over and die, I'll say,
Your lips, they're turning blue, is it me making you this way?

Baby please get better, I'll be so alone if you're dead,
I promise,
I'll never hurt you again,
We'll have a fairytale life,
Baby, I can't wait to call you my wife,
I want you to be mine forever, I'll never let you leave, *ever
This is written in the perspective of an abusive lover, with double personality. Half of him is extremely abusive, and the better half just wants to see her better.

I'm not sure why I wrote this, it didn't start out being about this subject. But whatever, comments?
Johnnie Rae Jan 2013
I wonder,
If you're still drowning your blood
In alcohol.
BAC- blood alcohol content, for any of you who didn't know.
And dedicated to my mother, whom is most likely still drowning.
Johnnie Rae Aug 2013
Being home is like
being back under the bell jar
(To quote the great Sylvia Plath)
Back under the bell jar, where the air
is stale and ***** and before long
you begin to suffocate.
You feel trapped as would a firefly,
on one of those warm summer nights
where you run around in the grass
feeling the moisture on your bare feet
as you catch as many of the twinkling lights
as you can before they hide for the night.
Trapped, slowly suffocating because in your nightly
adventure, you are careless and free, and this
causes you to forget to put holes in the jar
where you imprison these wonders for the night.
But only for the night, for your carelessness has caused their demise
while you sleep beside these living night lights,
they begin to die, their lights not shining so bright
anymore, yes they die.
Their death symbolizes your depression as the bell jar
closes you in and you become claustrophobic
gasping for the air you know waits just outside your prison
but it's not really there for you will never escape
this horrible place they've put you in
Yes I've twisted catching fireflies into a murderous action
but believe me,

It always was
Johnnie Rae Jul 2012
Waking up,
                    I realize I was only dreaming,
                                                       ­                Thank god
For, that was a horrible dream,
No, correction,
A horrible nightmare,

I was there, and you were there,
You're gone,
I'm dead,
                           it all fades black
The end.
Johnnie Rae Jun 2012
Heads spinning,
Lights dimming,
Reality is hazy,
Am I going crazy?
Nope just a bad trip,
Down a long road,
Less traveled than most,
And almost completely unknown,
This is a feeling,
I don't like experiencing,
Somebody, Stop the ******* room from spinning,
Eyes open,
Mind lingering,
To thoughts I never knew exsisted,
Like i said, just a bad trip.
Not a fun night
Johnnie Rae Jun 2013
I am the ocean.
I am the waves.
I am the embrace of the
salty water, in which you crave.
But I am more than this
in my entirety.
You swim in the shallows,
of my beauty.
But do not dare lurk
into the darkness beyond it.
You fear the monsters that reside
in the depths of me.
You are happy in your ignorance,
because ignorance is bliss in this instance.
You are no daredevil explorer
simply a tourist.

Remain in blissful ignorance; I do not blame you for this.
We were told to write a poem in English class. My teacher literally came in, sat down, and said, "you have 40 minutes, write a poem, go"

We had 40, but I was done in 10.
Johnnie Rae Oct 2012
As hot coffee slips down my throat,
and I write words for all to read,
I realize, there may be more than people see to me,
I may be more than a pessimistic tragedy,
to some,

And maybe to most I'm nothing, but tell me, what is it that they see,
that makes this statement ring true?
do they see the girl that just wants the world, to see her for what she really is,
because that's what you'd see,
that is if you took a moment, to look behind these blue eyes,
and see all the pain, as well as ambition, that lies beneath.
noo idea guys, enjoy.
Johnnie Rae Sep 2012
To my knowledge, death is the end,
but what if death is a place to begin again,
to start anew, with no remorse for whats done,

You may have left me the other day,
but in my heart you will stay,
for you have gone to a better place,
and I have to say its better this way,
for we are no longer causing eachother pain,
theres nothing left to loose, and no more to gain,
because you have left me, with hope resting in your place,
now that you're gone, i'll start back up again,
finish what I never started,
be a little less broken hearted,
and be strong for the one who once tried to knock me down,
I'll be strong for you,
because I know, its what you always wanted me to do.
R.I.P Grandma.
Johnnie Rae Feb 2012
Can't we just be friends,
Instead of the constant battles that start,
And never seem to end,
We fight with words,
We fight with fists,
But it never got as bad as this,
You throw things,
As I dodge,
You scream at me,
"We took this too far,"
And as I stood there in shock,
I simply screamed,
Then why won't you stop?
We stood there and cried,
For what seemed like a lifetime,
And as you walked out the door,
You whispered,
Best friends forever.....
Johnnie Rae May 2012
Different problems come and go,
But this problem arises daily,
It will until the day she dies,
Thats the day I'll be set free,
The day she dies,
I'll truly be happy,
And while this may sound harsh,
Few people know about all she puts me through,
And the few people that know,
Wish death on her too.
i know this is harsh, but the ***** is driving me crazy.
Johnnie Rae Feb 2013
This situation reminds of two things,
The first thing being, black lilies.
Sad like a funeral.
Making tears run like waterfalls.
And memories hit me like a tidal wave.

The second being,

For that is what you were to me,
You lit up my whole life.
Made me forget about day to day life.
And the worries that came with it.
But, we grew apart.

Or, I did.
I don't really know.

Either way, I want you to know,
That you were the diamonds in my life.
Diamonds, next to a bunch of fools gold.
But no matter what we used to be,
I think it's better, we stay apart.
I dont really know. I think I just had to get this out.
Johnnie Rae May 2012
The day the blood stains appeared,
Was the day I lost control,
That was the day I lost it all,
I cried for what seemed like years,
And then let my blood mix with the tears,
She said the words I didn't need to hear,
Now here I am, lying in fear,
She'll say more, and **** me emotionally,
Her words, they slay me,
She doesn't realize, she's the reason i'm so ******* crazy,
The reason I wear these scars,
Memories of her previous words,
They haunt me,
Nothing can erase these dark memories,
And so, here is my rant,
Written in blood, ink, and tears.
Johnnie Rae Feb 2012
****** memories,
We made,
Oh what a pretty shade of red,
We made,

As we traced the lines,
We watched the blood flow,
Out of our body,
Along with the stress,
Of the pain,
That almost everyone caused,

We clensed,
Outside and in,
Oh, what ****** memories,
We made.
Inspired by true events, I am sad to say,
But remember guys,
I'm okay.
Johnnie Rae Dec 2015
I never knew how to
write poetry correctly.
It's not like it comes with an
instruction manual
that reads in italicized letters

"dig so deep into your head that if a brain aneurism were to spontaneously combust, you'd be the first to know about it"

No one told me that my emotions
would corkscrew like falling
meteorites every time I picked
up a pen.

No one told me that the thoughts
would sometimes dry up
and leave me searching like
a dog who buried a bone and
then developed a rare type
of amnesia.

No one told me that sometimes
it would be hard to get the words
onto the page without tears
falling like a liquid avalanche.

There was no instruction manual
or italicized letters. There was only me,
and a lot of lessons to learn.
Johnnie Rae Apr 2012
I'm alive,
Unless I'm dead,
I'm comletely alive,
Fighting the battle,
That hardly anyone wins,
This is more serious than seemed before,
Here  I am,
Sprawled out on the floor,
You did it,
You killed me,
Mentally I'm dead,
Physically I'm fine,
But look on the inside,
I'm dying,
Or am I dead,
Completely insane,
What the **** happened to  my brain,
It doesn't seem to be working.
Sort of random, Written completely off the top of my head, Comments are appreciated.
Johnnie Rae May 2013
Breathe in,

Focus on the pitter patter of rain
Drops and the slap of your feet on wet

Breathe out.

Keep an even pace,
Don't let your heart start to race and
Ignore that aching in your feet.

Breathe in,

With every step you're closer to
Your final destination.
It gets easier with every breath taken.

Breathe out.
Nothing like a run in the rain.
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