The only way to discover
the world's true Knowledge
is to suffer and beg for it,
otherwise when it jolts your head
you will think it is only
rotten fruit dropping
from the branches
of the tree of good and evil.

   ~mce

Tonight I lie awake,
My brain is feeding my latest mistakes.
I can't help but wonder why I wasn't enough,
I gave every ounce of myself and I tried to be tough.
I thought if I could just make you see the things I loved about myself that you would love them too.
You said you would,
that you did but you painted my most beautiful pieces blue.
You painted them an ugly shade,
You made them dark but still started to complain when they began to fade.
If you didn't want me I would've preferred that you didn't play pretend with me.
I'm not a young child and I was never very good at the game either, see.
Its incomprehensible as to why you felt the need to destroy me, to take me down along with everything in your path.
I stood there with open arms, with warm inviting touches, with passion for your mind and you met such things with wrath.
Any time, you could have walked away.
You could've spared me however you chose to stay.
So as dearly as you were held in my heart I'm rebuilding my self now that you've burned me to ashes.
So as dearly as you were held in my heart its just a matter of time before the salt dries to my lashes.
I was enough,
I was enough even you were not.
I was tough,
This is where a toxic love like ours should rot.

In the back of my brain,
maybe one day in the back of yours.
I hope one day you realize when you've become tame,
that it is impolite to cut someone's heart and leave open sores.

Today is the day I pick up the pieces.
In the following hours I will begin to unfold myself from the crumpled mess of paper you left me.
I will find beauty in the creases.
I will no longer carve into my legs the way your memory is carved into my delusional brain.
I will no longer reminisce on something that never really was,
I will focus on the parts where you left my mind in disarray.
I know in my lean heart that this is not something you do to the ones you love,
You do not bring insanity to the ones that try to save you,
You do not intoxicate them, cover with their unscathed skin, and leave their bones buried in mud.
You do not burn your rescuer.

You wreak of lighter fluid,
and in my sickened mind I concluded once more that food was poison.
My thoughts were a terrible escape to where there was only the stench of raw sewage.
I couldn't get past the smell,
I thought I'd never be able to swallow again for I was so nauseated.
My teeth were turning yellow, my throat was on fire, and in my ears the constant ringing of a bell.
I turned to a sack of weak calcium sticks waiting for an answer to why you robbed me,
I blamed myself for so long because I thought I caused a misunderstanding.
No I was blind but now I see.

I will love myself in all the places our friendship forgot,
I'll love myself better than you claimed too in ways you didn't know how to.
I will never stop.
I will say only kind things to my body and I will only see the beautiful things in my mind.
I will treat myself well and a different outcome I am destined to find.
I deserve real.

All I craved was reciprocation,
Some type of love with illustration.
You were like ******* for the quite mind, stimulation.
You were like tar for my already degraded lungs,
Suffocation.
You were at one time an idea, a simple innovation.
Suddenly you were the only thing keeping my heart from freezing, you were my insulation.