policing my body with your jealousy

controlling the love I share
the number of friends I could have

Always judgmental, Always hiding from me

Your **** insecurities
      brought us down

and when I fell
you chained me to the
        floor


foot on my neck

         -    -    -   -   -
     DON'T
                         MOVE



*or I'll leave you

like that dream you have when you're falling
and you wake up with a jolt
                and heart is bump bumping
    loving you is exciting

like when you're eating a meal cooked by your mom
and you just can't believe how good it tastes
warm and full of comfort
loving you is home

like when your sister is in the hospital
and you can't stop wondering if she's going to be okay
loving you is devastating

like when you hear that song that brings you right back to high school
heart swells with good memories
       loving you is nostalgic

like when you spend all your money on a new camera you've been saving up for
and you're just so excited to make new moments beautiful

loving you is brand new

We're not as much apart as we are broken to the core
The blood upon my hands is somehow covered up in yours
And if I turn to water you will never want to drink
Then let me be forsaken by the thoughts in which I sink
I told you all my secrets both in person and in soul
But I can't be responsible for where you long to go
It's only in the stillness that I conjure up the words  
To tell you that I loved you in a way I wasn't sure
I've asked the time to grant us more than we could ever bear
So I would have a chance to make it up to you, I swear
The past cannot be changed and so the future goes astray
but I don't want to tempt you to just walk the other way
For I can bathe in showers that are hotter than you make
But if you fall asleep then I'm the only one awake

I may've been a part of everything I've ever done
But out of all the messes I regret but only one
I searched myself on purpose just to question what I knew
And found that in forgiveness I am truly made anew
I've let You seal the corners of the letters I have writ
Without a doubt I give You my uncertainty to smit
I care not for the burden I have cast upon my head
For I believe I'll carry only what You deem undead
Position me to stumble and I'll fall the way I should
Be overwhelmed with gladness at the mercy of the good
I can't remember being anybody else's clay
You've molded me completely into who I am today
So here's to every future I could ever hope to have
While walking in this body til another comes to pass
I hope that You'll prepare it for the second, third and fourth
However long it's meant to tread the soil of the earth

I left you alone to go wander
And see all the places you could
But people are more than their faces  
they blend in with more than they should
I thought we were on the same mountain
And moving with all that we knew
But you were a seeker in hiding
A dreamer who never came true  
So take every day of existence
As something you've always embraced
There's more to this life than you've offered
Than you've ever given away
I'm back on the border of solace
And trying to work for my keep
For there lies the secret of living
We find what we lose in our sleep
I will not proclaim that I had you
As much as I want to say, "yes"
you've never been more than a stranger
A quiet, untouchable mess
I made you an anchor of nothing
And hoped there was something I missed
But I have been waiting in vain to
Admit we could ever exist

I wonder if God
    sees our numbered
breaths, how many
     have been & how
many are left,
millions of digits
    shifting above
our heads;
the old woman
 on the park bench
        with just 500 left. 
The jogger with 100
   between now &
        tonight when he
will exhale
     for a final time.
I should scale mountains,
         stare at the sun
  make my amount
  count, every last one.

Although her scars are displayed for all to see, when I try to talk to her, she tries to hide them from only me.