I want to be seen,
I want everybody and everyone
From miles between
To see
me.

I want to be spotted
I want the world to know
That inside,
I am Blotchy
and Rotted.

And I want to be kissed
and missed
But not much,
I want to make it on her list
of the ones shes
Kissed
and the ones
she wished
she'd kiss again.

The army gathered,
Horde of rotting lepers
Severed limbs,
Of snatched hearts
And missing gray,
Skulls opened by time;
Decay.

The gates they charge,
Making more of their own.

Always more dead,
Always more melted brain
And dark, dry hearts.

Strength in numbers,
Defining morality,
Defining normality.

These normal
Zombies
Gather.

These normal
People
Gather.

The woman had legs.
The room gasped when she entered.
The woman had hair.
Red curls past her shoulder.
Lips, eyes, and skin too.
The woman had assets.

But she was not mine, nor any others.

Because it is better to have loved and died
Than to have died without it.

Of this, I firmly believe.

Let's **** each other in the woods.
Like we said we would so long ago.

Let's drive stakes into each other's heart.
And watch red blood leak from the remnants.

Let's start a bonfire.
And sit together staring at the flame like we did that night in April.

Let's drive a convertible with the top down around the hills of California.
And ram into a diesel at top speed.

Let's both go to hell.
Cause I know we deserve it.

A Great Dane named Matilda.
That's what I wanted.
You wanted children.
You want to be a veterinary doctor.
I want to be a chemist.

Your birth mother was gorgeous.
I'm sorry about her.
I'm sorry for everything.

I want to feel like king again.

And feel loved and safe. I feel so alone and cold. Like I'm sleeping in an unenclosed barn in some tundra and the doors keep flapping open and my sleeping bag has holes and it's been years since anything besides spiders and moss has lived in here.

I feel like all the warm families and all the soft lovers have vanished and left me to my own devices. Like the last man on this cold, dead earth. I want to have purpose again. A reason to wake up and a reason to not throw a bullet through my brain.

I feel like I have asthma, or the air is so frozen it hurts my lungs. I can't breathe and my skin is starting to boil and my hair feels so unkempt and my beard just keep ******* growing no matter how many times I shave it. ******* I want everything to stop, but not freeze, I want the badness to go away and the goodness to come back.

I feel like I'm reverting. I'm devolving into the lesser person I once was, I'm losing what defined me. I want to fade away entirely or come back in full, not stay at 70% opacity and kind of just float here in limbo. I want to know that I'm not wanted, or be told that I am. I don't want to have to guess and play guessing games with life.

Being born is the most cruel gift I've ever been given. I am so very lucky to be born, such low odds of it happening, and at this golden time nonetheless, but GOD do I suffer in this golden gift. I am obliged to live a life, and a full one, but that life is inherently founded in suffering and constant war with attrition and loneliness and disease and age and heartbreak and cancer and hatred and cold. And we fight these things and it makes us happy, but we have to keep fighting and fighting and fighting for that happiness. We can't just rest and be happy because it will all start to crumble. Your money will dry up and your health will decline and you will get cancer and you will succumb to dark mental places and you will lose everyone you love if you stop fighting. So we don't have a choice we have to just KEEP FIGHTING. God, I'm sick of fighting. I'm sick of suffering for the sake of avoiding a worse suffering. I want to just float. Just put the car in cruise control and coast at a healthy spot. But I can't.

Not with my mind. Not with my wallet. Not with my heart.

Life is the cruelest luck.

I will be waiting right here,
You know where to find me,
When you’re done with it all
Please come and see me.

So travel the world,
Sing them your songs,
Read them their cards,
Show them what they are not.

Cause it’s a special kind of hell with you gone,
And every day is worse,
And I keep remembering you sing that song,
Cause you said you’d do this,
It was like you knew it all along,
It was like having psychic powers...
    Oh right, you do.

So find a mentor,
Get shown the ropes,
To the secrets of your mind,
Cause I still support you so.

Cause it’s a special kind of hell with you gone,
And every day is worse,
And I keep remembering you sing that song,
Cause you said you’d do this,
It was like you knew it all along,
It was like having psychic powers...

(guitar solo)

I will always
    WAIT FOR YOU
I will always
    KNOW IT’S TRUE
I will always
    KNOW YOU KNEW-

So find some peace,
Find your zen,
Change the world,
Cause it sure can be cold.

Like a lump in my throat,
I wanted to say I love you,
I said that goodbye,
And felt my legs ache,
Say it.

Loneliness is the manila color which enchants paper as it ages.
It grows old and musky regardless of how many eyes look upon its texture.
It reaches the air of abandonment more quickly when exposed to the atmosphere and light.

An unexposed paper will stay pristine longer.
It doesn't know vacancy and longing.
It never had someone in the first place.

The salty ocean air bit his ears.
The sea was angry.

I'm not like you.
Stay there.
Go away.

Silence.

He turned around and walked.
She would never let him truly kiss her.
But his lips had been all over that skin.

I'm done.
You won't let me in.

He felt something crack inside him.
Like a plank of wood shattering.
He felt the shrapnel.

*Medic...

My existence is slowly being defined,
The lines being drawn,
    Filled in with the deepest colors
                of love.
My existence is quickly being recognized
By a being of lightning eyes,
    A joyous smile to melt the glaciers
                within me.
My existence is rather simple actually,
Quite plainly read,
    Plain to see that I am completely
                for you.

I feel we have the same depth.
I measured it.
It is exactly 2 feet, 12 centimeters and one apple.
Sometimes two apples.
Depending on the weather in New Zealand,
And the size of the kiwi crop yield
divided by the length of a fault in Japan.
And how that effects the cherry blossoms.

Make a hole in a book without desecrating it.
I bled on a book once,
Not what I meant.

She's fading,
That body of white light.
Burning in a shadow,
Technically a past.

The moon will drown in red,
And be watched by millions,
No more blue moon.

No more romance.

-

This seraph will bring fourth a new bright,
A light in her own right,
A smile.

Renaissance, rebirth.
Phoenix.

I just want to enjoy the comfort and ecstasy of a woman again.
This is all!
I want to make out, and feel and roll around.
To feel a tongue moving around.
To kiss a neck so gently she collapses.
This is what I want.

You said "Pull, and don't stop pulling until I tell you to."
I knew this was where my training as a wind breather was going to pay off.
I expelled all nitrogen, carbon dioxide, and oxygen from my alveoli
And pulled.

I pulled and I looked at you,
Staring at me.
I deconstructed your face, your hair, your teeth, your eyes, your clothes, your life.
I deconstructed your Mexico and what you did to my friend.
I deconstructed the cigarettes you and your brother bummed off of me.
I tore you apart.
Organism, *****, tissue, cell, organelle, molecule, atom, electrons protons and neutrons.

I couldn't pull any longer.
I don't know if you knew I couldn't,
Or simply determined I was set.
"Okay, stop."

I couldn't breathe out. I couldn't breathe in.
I was suffocating.
She put poison in my lungs and my body is dying.
Water.
Water.
It stops.
I can breathe.

My lungs recoil and I can see straight.

She poisoned me but I love her.

Dry is a color,
It is a texture,
A feeling.

Dry is a well of no measure.

She never sees what I see, in that mirror,
She never sees what the world sees,
She never cares about what we say,
Understand how we see you,
                please.

*******
Arsonist
Regrettable
Stupid
Horrible
Arrogant
Loser
Lia­r

Manly
All-knowing
Right
****
Handy
Awesome
Likable
Level-heade­d

My name in question.
My heartbeat not.
My hands unsure.
My body shivering.

Suddenly sobbing tear.
Just like that, pain.
Aching.
Wanting.
Remembrance.

- 11/18/13

Immutable.

It means unchanging, unchanged, unchangable.

"  I CANNOT BE BROKEN
   I WILL NOT CRY
   I WILL NOT SUCCUMB
   I WILL NOT BE A PUPPET,
                                A PROJECT
                 FOR YOU."

It is the word for the strong, and for the stubborn.


Change, but never change. Remember.

The day I start my diet
Is the day she leaves me;
    When I have to eat and drink
    To keep breathing.

The day I start dying
Is the day she leaves me;
    When dying is halted
    To breathe and sleep.

The day I start crying
Is the day she leaves me;
    When she chose her mind
    Above her heart,
    Unlike at the start
    When she chose me above her being.
    And her mind was just seeing
    How easily it is to follow her heart.

"Are you Mormon?"
"Nope."
"Sweet."

Lie down your head soft angel,
Close your lightning eyes,
Rest all of your thoughts,
Ignore all of the lies,

Drift into the world of dreams,
Drift into the realm of seeing,
Tis only there I can hold you,
The only time you can feel me.

Seeing you sleeping has worth,
Like watching a kisser’s first,
Or seeing a burning star fly,
So quickly and sharply across the sky.

Love tastes like the ice on a comet.

The only true reflections come from the mouths of those who love you.

You see, Demons always come back,
All the demons you make, gain or trail,
All the wrongs you do, befriend and send,
Find a way to make you fail,



Your self-righteous backstabbing ways,
Will always turn the knife around,
And before you can stop it,
You’ll be dead without a sound,



And the commandments you say you praise,
Will fall with the weight of the sun,
And crush your hopes and dreams,
And your longed for days with God will never come,



And if he really is up there, watching,
He sees how evil his child, you, are,
And if he really is sitting, judging,
He will see you far less than a star,
    But the black hole your hearts are.

-July 2nd 2013

Falling asleep to your face a thousand miles away,
The only greater I could pray
    Is to have your face
    For more than just a day.

Wine from two jugs tastes as good as from one.

The strings of a harp vibrate independently to sing the same song.

The Oak and the Cypress cannot grow in each other's shade.

And the pillars of a temple must be separated to hold the weight above them.

Even the most acute sliver of that silver light can show perfection.

And though it may take me 193 years after my creation to land on the moon,
You need not be so close to realize her beauty.

We have telescopes for a good reason. Rocket ships are a hassle to work.

If I could do it all again,

I would still die by her,
But I would live and love you.

Old sighs,
New snow,
Old pains,
New morning.

*sip

The moonlight violet,
Refusing to bloom,
For any stimulus,
Will not open,
For even the softest eyes,
To view its glory,
In the softest light.
At the softest hour,
Through the softest voice,
Hear the softest word,
“Eternal.”

-April 26th 2013

Overcoming you has been more than I care to say
Seeing past the facade before me has defined the fence
and hidden the gate.

I'm trapped here so long as you exist, no escape,
Without you, longing for another way to love
Or appreciate without you near.

I could passively sit and watch life pass you by
Or dig myself out and hope to finally say goodbye
Or simply end my life.

Forgetting you doesn't seem the option
Appearance in my dreams underlines your apathy
and my heart only spells caution.

*Te odio.

Moths don't know they're flying into a streetlight or campfire. They're innately tuned to follow the light, the moon. But we make diversions for them, we build fires to warm ourselves, and in turn, direct the moths from their moon to their grave.

People do this too. In the process of warming oneself, we create a light which can be witnessed. When we take care of ourselves, we shine beautifully. And others may be drawn to that light, instead of the light which would bring them true happiness, and bring out their own true beauty.

Beware false prophets. Follow the true light.

She taught me that I miss having a mother.
She taught me I could cry.
She taught me new ways of kissing.
She taught me who I really love.
She taught me how to sever mutilated limbs.
She taught me that everybody can be selfish.
She taught me that laughing only eases the pain for a day.
She taught me that scars never go away,
*They just get old.

I know that when I search hardest, it's impossible to find the words to describe my experience with you.

I often end up using unintelligible words, such as God, ****, oh, wow, or simply smiling so hard I can't speak.

I'm grateful that we live at the same time, we could have been years, decades, or lifetimes apart.

But here we are, perfect in the moments that we have, embracing each other as we are, and using each others strengths and weaknesses to compensate for our own.

We are so powerful as people.

You and me.
We are strength.

I have bloodstains everywhere and
They like to watch me when I sleep.
I can't help their eyes scan over me
And watch for when I bleed.

These greedy bloodstains
These greedy blotches.
The color red waits and
The color red watches.

Go blind.
Go Blind.
GO BLIND.
Grow old and die and watch me from hell.
Because your eyes will tire
And you cannot beat my fire.

My fire is my lyre
And my lyre makes music,
*Not blood.

One soul is missing from this pauper's mansion.
One bed stays cold all day, all night.
We were three, then two. And now the two are really each their own.
One and one.

One soul is missed in this casa.
La alma de mi perrito.

My brain no longer thinks in poetic lines,
Nor my heart.

My heart thinks in colors and sounds,
My brain does too.

I think I'm nearing a hiatus.
And that's okay.

After the snapshots of North Carolina,
And the explanation of parasitic brainwashing,
I found the section on beef.

I found the young man, a photographer,
Whom had moved into an apartment with a girl
And her yellow shorts.

A barbeque, a welcoming party.

And my innocent blood froze when I saw
That gray dress with polka dots
And those legs from underneath it,
And the short-cut, red-brown hair,
Pale skin and back-of-the-neck
Of the woman whom I conceded my faith
My will, my being,
And my hand.

I closed the magazine and walked away,
Stunted.

They say no atheists​ in foxholes.

Drag
Drag
Drag my feet though- this peat
Mire.
Dy-ing.
Smog, sogging my feet
Smogging my teeth
Pull this sand through teeth
TV static my scene,
Pull this trash through teeth
Sand and smog what I see.

Lifeless train in my keep
Breaking ribs in my breathe
Grit in my feet,
Clay in my bleed.

Stay. Just stay, big fish.
Let my nets catch you,
Stop slipping
Stop slipping away,
Clay on the beach.

Mire.
Desire too far to be
God within my reach.

Big fish break my nets,
They swim away
They find better place
They find better day.

Big fish, my foxhole
No atheist.
I pray my God,
My Gaia
My goal.
I'm Christian in this hole.
Please
Stay in my sea.

Big fish crave bigger seas
Bjigger than I can please
I'm seething
Seethe.
TV, static, see my sand
Stand on my beach.

My clay won't bog you,
I'll God you,
Altars flaunt you.
I'll exaggerate
If it makes big fish stay.
Or make gray if it
Hears you say "you may."

Carry this sand on my back
Run this far track,
Soak up colors attract
No great attack.

Anything, big fish.
Stay in my scene.

And I became the monster.
I became the thing they feared whilst they slept.
I became the thing they tell stories of.
I became legend.

A new thread is pulling at the smile in my heart,
A shell being cracked with new tools,
A prosperity of odd occurrence,
And I sail this sea with a mast I do not know,
A flag I’ve never seen,
and a bow I’ve never walked.

-June 13th 2013

Light is love,
Love is light,
I need both,
In the night.

You are love,
You are light,
You take away,
All my fright.

These back country roads highlight the presence of nothingness.
Pushing through murky thoughts of
Inexistence, burning the smoke of loneliness and impotence.
Alone with myself.

Giant elephant god
There's no gods in this place,
I'm burnin' up,
Pachydermin' up
Water nymph in my face
I've got nothin' to say
'Gonna stay in my place
-And eat dirt-
It works,
The worms crystalize
Vitalicize
Italicize
They fertilize
These laughing nights I cry.

No elephant gods
No turtle worlds
It hurts for sure.

For magic there's not.

Knots in my stomach
I swallow blood clots
I can't swallow this.
There's no this no that
No cat in the hat
No magic
I'm ******.

So ****** in fact
I won't ride this
Anymore.
I'm confiding this
I'm not fighting this-
This is for you.
Not for you to use
Not for me to abuse
Simply for you to choose
To let me go.

I'm going to go.
Before the first snows,
Even my heart knows
I'm going to go.

There's no magic
Tragic.
No,
I'm going to go.

I hope that when the sun sets at night,

That maybe you’ll think of me,

And when your eyes seem to ignite,

You can maybe see

    That,

    I... Uh,

    Well,

    I love you.


I know I say it, Please know I mean it,

‘Cause every minute I think it.

I know you’ve seen it, Believe it,

‘Cause every breath I take I breathe it.

-July 17th 2013

I...
I moan...
    Like a dog.
I don’t have control.

I...
I cry...
    From my eyes.
Every ******* night.

Regret...
So much...
    But I need to see.
I need to test me.

Why did I have to say yes then.
Why did I have to... To bend.
Cause now it hurts more than ever,
I bent my heart backwards like a lever.
Never...

Looking out the window,
I can’t see.
Looking into the night,
I have no sight.
Looking into the past,
I thought this would last,
Looking into your eye,
I didn’t think I would cry,

Last night was my test, It was my hell.
Last week was my start, Ripping out my heart.
Taken away,
I can’t stay!

Pop*
     Goes the cap on this small, oblique, orange bottle.
     Out come the shapes.
     In my mouth they go.
     Water.
     Cringe.
     Something sweet to aid.

     A glance in the mirror.
     “God you’re ugly.”

     Goodnight.
     Try not to cry while you sleep.

There’s no place for you anymore,
No room to hide,
No remnants or reminders,

The hole you dug through my heart,
Has found something,
Far greater than before,

Catatonic when you left me,
Dead when I saw,
Destroyed for a time uncounted,

White rose of black, red, and blue,
Canvas of colors,
Paint me a new portrait of love.

-June 9th 2013