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I need some kind of relief,
I need some kind of assurance.

I need to know that my blood will halt,
I need to know that my breathing won’t.

I need somebody,
I need you.
Normalcy is a noun.
A word we want.
Something special.
Something certain.
A preview, a peek at the past.


Normalcy is
         Narcissism.
From my book.
There's only one thing about this situation,
And it's that you don't like me
Like I
Like you.

I can see it in your eyes Hailee,
Or rather the fact that
I never
Catch them.

When I look at you, you don't look back,
Your eyes don't dilate and I doubt
That you
Feel warm.

I didn't think I could feel this much
Care. For another person again.

But Hailee, I felt it for you.
The warmth inside of my chest and gut,
My face and arms and torso diffusing
Adrenaline.

I care for you, you are an amazing individual,
And it's okay that you don't feel it back.

I'm not your type anyway.
Please don't let this affect us.
Insulting my  roommates in your presence is still one of my favorite pastimes.
Shatter my illusions,
Convince me that your body is that of a human,
     That no wings are upon you,
I will still call you an Angel.
I know you are more than a woman on this earth.

You are of God.

-1/10/14
Remember that conversation we had about you being there for me,
Always
Willing to drive me to the hospital
Or nurse me when I'm sick?

I could have used you last night.
Insomniac demons recirculated in the lenses of my eyes,
And the pads of my fingers,

Cheer up and smile,
spread those beautiful lips and whisper sweet nothings,

You are everything, Beau,
    Especially the thing in my heart,

Like Constantine to my haunting darkness,
You ignite the monsters with your flame,
So bright and strong,
    Light my flammable heart,
        And bless my mouth.

-July 3rd 2013
Gorgeous quicksilver clouds drifting silent as the revolution continues,
Masking slightly that white orb come so near,
Together in heart but not in body,
Twin souls, with no matching blood,
Catatonic, safe, and liberating,
Never destroy this sensation, sunshine,
Never shine a light too bright.

-June 22nd 2013 (Giant moon tonight)
To sleep and be okay is what I dream for
Longing no longer to wait out this storm
Merely content with the concept of existing
And let the world continue busy.
Porcelain eyes, when I see you,
I cry.
I fall over, and moan sorrow,
No closure.
-
Timber hair, when I see you,
It's not fair.
I clench my fists, want to scream,
Can't deal with this.
-
Lightning smile, when I see you,
I can't breathe for a while.
I pause, I giggle, I holler out loud,
Being with you tickles.
Again, three different people :)
And does my heart beat for the thought of her,
Or is it the presence of her comfort,
That makes me feel like I am so **** sure
That she and I could be such great lovers.
Is it the fact that she can laugh so great
That I am sure the gods boom and smile too,
Or is it how she stealthily speaks weight
Through the actions she takes in telling truth.
She takes me on some sort of shocking flight
When I search for what I truly do feel,
She makes easy the fire and stops the fight,
She takes the tall monster and makes him kneel.

We are based on a foundation of trust,
Which tells me that this is not just some lust.
Iambic Pentameter was made for these feelings. Such a free restriction. Like the run and chase of two young people.
Feeling alone in the driveway I stand,
I feel like the world just came down,
                                   On me,
Echo my words, tell me my voice,
I'll rip you apart if you lie to me,
                                   Listen,
I can see it like a light at night,
I can see it like white against black,
                                  Go away,
                 Get away,
No way for you to get to me, anymore.
I've learned to let go
Something about chronic
Spiders
And ants and bees
CRAWLING
All over me,
      It's made me care less.

You can fight all these pests,
And when your mind is frying on DPH
Or LSD or DXM,
You really have no desire to,
You don't have a choice.

You let the flies be flies
And the snakes be snakes.

We are powerless, I have learned.
I'm glad I've gone passive.
I am an unhealthy person.
I have an unhealthy mind.
It searches for ways to cope with things,
Ways I know you wouldn't find.
It thinks of needles, lighters and blisters,
Of bite marks and bruises and hating my sister.
It thinks of benches and doorsteps and two **** soft beds,
It thinks of that kitchen, that grass hill and when the moon turned red.

I have an unhealthy person.
I am an unhealthy mind.
Together I make a combination
Of the likes you would never find.
My nirvana is this wonderland of white and black,
An empty sheet of possibility, all my thoughts I unpack,

My eyes see cold pixels, my fingers feel a board,
But the palpable essence of a soul is restored,

How could a screen of light bring me such comfort,
Typing these words, from my road I must divert,

With short taps I paint faces, colors, monsters and more,
I resort to my adagios for a softness unheard, life I ignore.
Two frostbitten eyes at the end of my summer time,
They are not cold,
But I remember a time when they were far warmer.

Forever blue, but always selfless,
Never empty, but sometimes they bleed
me.

Her two frostbitten eyes were all I saw,
And they did freeze.
The summer air is cooling gradually,
The peaches are off their trees,
The leaves are preparing for autumn,
But it’s still only you I see.

And winter will gladly come,
We will be in school all day long,
I will spend the hours dreaming
Writing and singing your song.

Remember when you stopped,
So suddenly where we were,
You kissed me,
        I smiled,
I had a disease and you’re my cure,

Thank you, Beau.
“I’d die by your hands,” she sang,
She sung that song,
She strummed that song,
She was what I longed,
    for,

With you I’d be the sun,
I’d be the warm spring air,
I’d play with your hair,
And we’d share,
    kisses,

I like to color souls,
I paint them a shade,
I see if they stay,
I see if they made,
    progress,

But you are a river,
Constantly flowing,
Constantly showing,
Constantly going,
    further.

-July 8th 2013
The peaches are off their trees,
On the ground and freezing.
Death consumed by life,
To produce again.
It's almost like they live on,
In the little cells of those who eat.

It's almost like that peach is still whole,
Even though it's been eaten and destroyed.
It was once beautiful, and always will be,
And it may even become a tree.
     Again.

If anything survives this winter.
A sharp tongue comes with broken hearts.
So gouge out my eyes and call me blind,
Paint my eyes black and call my words flat,

I am the captain of my life!
I am the ocean and the tide,
I am the boat beneath my feet,
So come sail with me,
        Sail this sea.

So grind down my fingers and tell me
          to climb!
I will fly so far away from your lies,
          No time.

Don’t tell me that life is black and white,
Cause I’ve see the reds and blues so bright,
Don’t tell me I have to stay here,
‘Cause there’s so much I fear,
        Come with me dear.

I am the master of my soul,
I fly my colors whole,
I am not afraid to see what’s next,
The future is so complex,
    But your eyes are still my objects
                    of desire.


-August 23rd 2013
I used to scream my poetry, edited this to not be so aggressive.
So gouge out my eyes and call me blind,
Paint my eyes black and call my words flat,

I am the captain of my life!
I am the ocean and the tide,
I am the boat beneath my feet,
So come sail with me,
        SAIL THIS SEA!

So grind!
     down my fingers and tell me
           to climb!
I will fly!
     so far away from your lies,
           NO TIME!

Don’t tell me that life is black and white,
Cause I’ve see the reds and blues so bright,
Don’t tell me I have to stay here,
‘Cause there’s so much I fear,
        COME WITH ME DEAR,

I am the master of my soul,
I fly my colors whole,
I am not afraid to see what’s next,
The future is so complex,
    But your eyes are still my objects
                    *of desire.
A taste of my own medicine,
Incites a spasm,
Convulsion,
Remembrance,

The pill was sudden,
Hard to swallow,
And it stung the whole way down,

My antidote became my venom,
And an old color was spilled,
A scar torn open,

No regrets.

-May 24th 2013
I can feel my heart beating,
I can feel it in my legs,
I can see my lungs breathing.

I know why I’m still alive,
I know why I’m still here,
I know why I bother to try.

I see the hidden lines,
I see the secrets they hold,
I know they are no lie.

*I know why I care for you.
Old memories
Of touch and feel
Of pick and peel
And pray and kneel.

Old sensations
Of you and me
Of us and we
And watch and see.

Dusty
     Old
          Memories.
Like classics
In a library.

Tucked away
For a later date.
Shocking how alluring the French can be,
It seems like with each thought I think of that wonderful face of yours,
It gets slightly harder to breathe,
And it’s slightly easier to begin to see what I’m going for,

Lying here it seems like with every hour I think of what may,
The air is slightly thinner than before,
My heart beats, giant smiles and my soul flares say,
That this is something strong, though I don’t know for sure.

You say you’ve never been in love,
Let me tell you, it’s a lot of fun,
And even when it’s said and done,
That smile is hard to get rid of,

And I don’t know where this is going,
But I know a side of me is showing,
When we talk I stop loathing,
Cause there’s something to you I want you to show me.
I can't control myself.
I want it.
My vow has been taken,
To not speak too much.
I was seduced
And I seduced.
And I lost and she gained
And so I stole back something else.
*Assurance.
What matters to each his own is something different.
It's not easy to say
For each what may,
For some it's play,
For others, pay.
For me, it was pain.

I'm not the same.
To kiss her neck,
Is what I want.
To spend some time,
Take it away.
I wanted peace,
Hugs and comfort.
This **** weather
Took that away.
We have invisible friends of
Pleasure and repetition
Of the things which nobody sees
But we still do.
The foot tapping
The circling of fingers on plastered walls
The counting of heartbeats while sitting.
The remembrance of bruises and scars
The regrets of actions long past
The desire to act on the current.

Oft do we ignore our natural state
Such attitudes are unhealthy to the mind
Feed your desires.
The apricot tree,
So solemn in its art of creation,
Yielding fruit by square yard,
And flower blossom come spring
Holding no pleasure in its perception.

If I am the apricot tree in the fields at dawn,
You are the ladder,
The picker,
The cook,
The sugar and pan
And the jar of apricot jam,

Preserved in its perfection
For hungry mouth and seeking hands
To endulge in, come harvest.
You are the countertop in the kitchen
And the residue of spills upon it,
Caused so carefree by fingers excited
To savor God's gift
Of orange fruit
And good will.

You are the warm home
Occupied by voices and laughter
And children so eager for the day
Their screams of joy echo each room.

You are the eyes onlooking
From inside the car,
Gazing out a moving window
At the bountiful apricot blossoms,
You are the artist and beholder,
The eyes of beauty
Which turn the tree's mundane
And ordinary life
Into poetry and light of human love.
The botanist, the lover of fruit and flesh,
Picking perfect apricots,
Plucking them not only at pure ripe
But all season,
For the sake of texture and sweet.

For the tree,
Bearing fruit and blossom
Has transcended from routine
To holiday.

Such a pleasure,
Being plucked and picked,
Pleased and appreciated in true apricot
Passion.

The tree loves the lover,
And the lover loves the tree.
Inspired by my childhood and a renaissance of power.
How can I yell, how can I scream
“Don’t forget me,”
When I try so desperately to...
To **** you.

My brain is a corpse,
Completely torn,
Ignore my core,
Open the doors,
Don’t breathe,
Leave me.

Drown in that repetitive sea.
You don’t see,
So bleed.

-May 28th 2013
Eternally watching,
Always writing, noting,
Never speaking,
Never gloating.

I see you there,
All many of you,
I see you continuing,
Through and through.

Mine eyes are tools,
Tools of trade,
They help me work, love, and breath,
Find my way.

And match it to yours.
Like a painting, You’re perfect,
Like a parade, You pop,
Like a poem, You please,
Like a petal, You’re pleasant,
Like passion, You’re powerful,
Like peace, You’re painless.

Like a painting come to life, You laughed.

-June 4th 2013
"I don't want to be forgotten."
"I don't want to forget you."

*It's too bad things change.
Humbling summer’s heat, your presence is like a sun,
Humbling winter’s chill, your eyes cool and calm,
Humbling Florence’s David, your smooth skin shines,
Humbling the night’s own darkness, your hair contrasts light,
And,
Humbling even my heart’s own beat, you are beautiful.

-June 12th 2013
She really was that beautiful.
Dug deep I digged this dirt and dragged down dark dermal tissue,
Diamonds in the rough.
Picked and plucked I perused polished pieces of painful porcelain, piercing pockets in my peripheral parts, precious pearls and petals I peeked and pounced.

Bleeding black blood from bored brackets in body's bursting bark,
I grasped golden, gleaming glory. Gazing greedily like I'd gotten God by his good gourd,
I let needles nick nocks into niche nooks and night nothings knap nooses around my neck, my needle in the haystack.

My night, my might, my one of a kind,
My Kim.
I wish you were there tonight,
To see me dancing,
Wish you were here tonight,
To let me see a new light in your eyes,
Wish you were there tonight,
To dance with me,
Wish you were here tonight,
To have you see me at this time in my life,


Wish I could tell you,
    You have the perfect skin and eyes,
Wish I could tell you,
    To be the apple of my eye,


Wish you could see tonight,
‘Cause I want you here to see the lights,
Wish you could see tonight,
‘Cause I want to take away your fright,


Can you hear my voice,
Listen,
Can you make a choice,
Breath,
In and out,
Take your time,
Move a little slower,
Spend with me just one night,
Let me see your eyes in new light.

-June 1st 2013
Solitioner, Soliloquy, Silence.
Petitioner, "Papers please", Paint,
     Take your pick.
Get high, Get drunk,
But don't, That's ******.

Get in love, Make some babies,
Don't. That's *******.

Have fun.
Yeah.
Have fun.
¿Que?
Thou art the joy in my soul.
Washing away today's tears.
New water to clean the old.
It feels like it's been years.
I don't have your privilege,
I can't cheat,
I can't stray away.

You're gorgeous,
I'm ugly,
I can't just go and say

"Hey **** me,
Okay.
Please just love me."

I can't do that.
Because I am.
Ugly.
Pulse.



                                Pulse.
                        Pulse.

The urge is back.



                    To bleed.
My hands start to clench
Fingernails dig into my skin or the skin of a book
And breath goes short.
Thoughts of
Then.
Why couldn’t we stay apart.
I'd push your daisy.

*wink wink
I am lonely sometimes :/
I said it more last night than I've said it in ages,
Since I was truly in love.

I heard it more last night than I've heard it in ages,
Since she was truly in love.
I once thought it must be difficult going insane.

*But I’m here.
System of crows stalk the sky. I miss naked, black, raw trees.
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