Regret,
Is all I feel,
Forget,
What is real,

Just let it all go,
Just let go-o,
Just so you know,
I reached my lo-ow,

Cause you’re my everything,
Please hear my soul singing,
Hear the tones in my pleading,
Without you there is no breathing,
Cause my lungs are BLEEDING,
Is this what it feels like,
When your hand and eyes are SCREAMING!?

I’ve reached my low,
I want to let it all go,
I want to say no,
I want show you my glow,
....
    BUT NO!

I get caught up in this ****,
And even further I seem to dig,
Like being six feet UNDER,
I’m not like the OTHERS,

Sorry means sorry in my book,
Unless they give you a look,
Or it was something they took,
Like a ******* CROOK,
...
So please,

Just let it all go,
Don’t let it show,
Just let it go,
Cause I know you know I reached my low.

-July 14th 2013

The sailor was no longer on the sea.
He lived on land.
He did not see the water, nor fish on it.

But at night, drifting into sleep,
His body rocked with the movements of waves.
His skin could feel the cold, salty air of the ocean.
Beneath his eyelids, he could see the stormy skies of the sea.

He was still a sailor.
And he always will be.
The sea was his love.
And always will be.

La vie going through my feet is uncanny.

Seeing pictures of her hurts,
That girl,
The girl that walks backwards,
And never learns,

The girl that sheds a smile,
A charlatan’s smile,
Her siren skin,
Shed for some worthless sin,

Kissing up to strangers for drugs,
Letting them places no love goes,
Terrible doings just to get some,
Of that godforsaken blow,

LIKE WATCHING A CHILD JUMP,
    OFF A LEDGE!
I CAN’T STOP HER JUMPING,
    OFF THAT LEDGE!
DON’T GO!
GRAB ON!

Like setting fire to snowfall,
Like landing hard when you fall,
Like killing something unique,
You’re a tragedy,
to me.

-July 15th 2013

Bill
Has this monologue
Where he discusses
How Superman is God,
And he can only blend in
When he makes himself look
Weak.

Clark Kent is imagination.
Superman is still Superman
And he is still God.

Sometimes I just stop,
I dream of those frostbite eyes,
And sigh a deep sigh.

It went by in blinks,
You were there, here, and then gone,
Just like that I lost.

I dreamt of your face,
Your raven hair, your snow skin,
Dreamcatcher broken.

Drowned my ears with words,
My paper with fragile strokes,
And my eyes with loss.

Your laugh was rapture,
A world away from this earth,
Comfort in the clouds.

Your arm is bloodless,
Your smile is showing and bright,
For this, I’m content.

‘I miss you’ is weak,
I feel much more than just that,
I starve for your warmth.

Love’s progressive chords,
A curve in the beat, ******,
All advance halted.

Your name is beauty,
‘Katriana’ my tongue sings,
Your face to match name.

-March 2013

Black shows only best on clean white like snow,
Tis why you stand out so well in the dark,
Because you are the light I used to know,
My past can be compared to a red mark,
But our future is that of a serpent,
It will weave in, it will weave out, constant,
It bites, slithers, hisses, so divergent,
But from afar it seems so triumphant,
Said plain, what our love truly is; a win,
Success over the dark, over the hate,
The overpowering of good to sin,
When I see your blue eyes, I know it’s fate,
Light shows only best on darkest nights,
On darkest nights you take away my frights.

I have liquid in my lungs.
I know this because I can hear it, feel it.
I smell zucchini and cheese and all I want to do it kiss her
And tell her that the teal shirt she wore when we met
Still shows up in my dreams.

Every single day I ache
To call some place up there,
And order an orchid for your door.

I am reminded in my limp and my shrug
That I love you.
I am reminded in the fact that I would be willing to suffer nightmares every single night of my life
If only you slept next to me.

You smell like the woman I want to marry,
And your strong shoulders feel like the ones I want to see every morning
When you sit up on the bed.

I'm willing to go the distance.

I have bloodstains everywhere.

People wonder why I forgive.
I wonder why they don't.
Mistakes are taken.
They happen.
It is a duty,
A necessity to forgive.
To apologize for others,
When they won't for herself.

My dad asks me why I let myself get used,
I tell him
We use amazing things every day and smile.
He doesn't get it.

Every plus has a minus.

Lying naked on the bathroom floor,
It's three a.m.,
I don't know what I was searching for,
Maybe just to see you again.

I know that when I saw you, it was bliss,
God I knew that we would get along,
I knew that this was finally it, but I guess,
I guess I knew wrong.

The inaudible ebb and flow of your ‘sorry’s and ‘goodbye’s,
A mere ringing in my ears.
Speak lines of knowing Pain’s associates,
You are his main elective.
Stop stalking me you meat hungry wolf, stop ranging this land,
No life grows here, nothing can be saved or even forgiven.


Hypocrite,
You mockingbird,
You crow,
You jackal,
You cold blooded husk.


Stop singing,
Those words were meant for angels not harpies.

-May 28th 2013

It's cruel what you do to me
My heart is going to give out.

******* this red *****.
It won't stop beating.
Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick.
STOP!

I take a deep breath which isn't so deep and isn't much of a breath...



Tick.

******

Frienemies with benefits
I suppose that's what we are,
It's really not that bizarre.
Kissers, and snugglers and touchers,
not lovers.
We might only go so far.

But if one or no soul asks me,
I am grateful for you,
     And I.
How we're something new.
We're
Sometimes just two in a room.
Sometimes something good ensues.
I'm grateful.

His name was Three,
His childhood free,
But he fell out of a tree,

Now he sits all day,
His parents always pray,
And he doesn't say,

"I will stand tall,
I will not fall,
It will be like, I never did at all."

Cookie cutter templates for every soul in a building.
Sheep.

They are not the same. We are not the same. You are not.
The same.

I watched the fire burn silently and slowly,
I watched it spread throughout the hills.
I watched the sky turn dark with ash as the vows you made had crashed.
I watched you burn as the fire came around.
I watched you burn.
I watched you burn.


**Burn.

Body and soul.

I have a question burning somewhere inside,
It's the kind of question you should hide,
I want to ask it,
I want it to be asked.

I never told you that I loved you.

Alone.
Again.
Wasted.
Again.
This happened.
Again.
"Why."
Again.
Always.
Again.

I don't deserve this.

Put out your cigarette in my hand.
Burn me please.
These nights I spent with you are perfect.
And no light can exist in this world without darkness.
No joy without pain.
There has been no pain.
So please, G̷̛̔͑̓̈́̊́̓̀͛̉̃͊̓̂̋͆̒̎͂̃̃͋̏̂̀̇̄̇̾͆̇̑̈́͗͑͂̈́̅͗̊͊̉̅͂͐̊̄̈͑͋̕̚͘̚̚̕͝͝͠͝͠͠­̢̨̡̡̞̖̙͓̳̰̪̪̻̣͕̭̝̻̹̙͎͙̭̪̤̺̙͕̹̭͔͙̰̼̗̟̔̎̈́́̃̓͜ͅo̸̓̎͌̽̒̐͌̈́́͊͊̊̊͋̈́͐̋͗̚­̨̛͇͚̮̫͈͚̲̙͇̙̮͍͇̄̽̀̒̈́̏͆͒͗̇̾̋̀̄̅̊̋̀̍́̊̂̽̈́͐̈̿̐̏̂͑͋̍͋͋͛̋̇̀͑͂͘͘͘̚͝͝͝͝͠­̨̢̡̢̢̡̧̮̤̪̞̬̟͍͔̺̝͔̣̦̼̯͓͈̜̝͕̗̟͉̯͔͕̠̳̠͎̖̺͉͎̹̗̫͎̻̙̯̪̱͚̫̳͈͜͜ͅd̸͋͊̃̍̃̇­̨̨̧̨̢̢̬͉̫͓̥̣̝̝͇̠̮̗̜͕͍͚̤̳̭̪̜̳͙̣͙̝̰̲̳͇̮̱̩͔̯͗̿͂̂̊͂̐̑̄̓̉̎̾̑͗̆̈́̒̕̕͜͠ͅͅ­̨̡̧̡̢̧̧̧̞̲̯̮̥̻̲͓͖͇̻̫͉̭̲̪̙̤͈̲̫̼͈̺͈̱͇̹̮̰̻͉̞͓̣̙̭̙̜͕̝̟̫̝͓̫̰̩̙̞̜̹̪͜͜͜ͅ­̡̧̢̨͎̤̞̘͇͔͓͔̦͇̮̺̖̯͎̬͓̟̙͇̖̠̯̯̩, hurt me so I can know that this is R̶̨͕͔̘͉͉̳͎͔̟̣̤͈̬̫̭̥̟͙͕̟̬̎̏̊̌̍͌͌̽̐̇̽̌͑̒̓͗̽̄̅́̀͗̃̇̎̿̒̔̾̈́̀̊̚͘͘̕̕̚͜͠ͅ­̡̨̡̡̧̡̤̱͖̗̫̘͉͈̮̞͎̱̰̜̹̞̖̞̥͎̩̥͙̥͖̻͉̲̭̳̟̖͎͎̟̤̩̪͈̘͔̘̣͇̤͈̠̩̦̞͉̘͉̱̝̞̭͜ͅ­̧̨̡̨̢̢̧̢͚͔̪̣͕̙̗̯̯̥̖̯͍͚̟̫͙͓̦͖̠̱͔̥͇̪̘̪̙̖͚͓̩̲͍̦̗̝̬̣̗̲͍̖͜͜e̷͐̀̓͆̇͗̉̀̚­̨̛̛̛̫̥͈͈̼̼́̿̑̅̄͛̏̂̔͊̏̃̾̃͌̉̓̍̀̀́̂̍͌͗̄̓̓̅̍͐͑͗̌͗̏͗̾̓̄͋̉̌́̎͛̆̈́͒͂́̚̚͝͠­̧̱̟̰̻̗̜͚̗:̸̐̓̀̔̎͗̆͐́̅́̎̀̄͆̀̈̆̌̿̐͊̀̉̄͐͌̎̆̋̌͒̆̐͒͆̆̌̋́̌͛̃͊̀͒̃̉͊̚̕͝͝͠­̢̡̢̛̛͓̤̫͙̱͔̝͎̹̰͙͉͖̳͚̟̲̝̟̺͈͍͚̊̽̃͋̊͒̉̇̉̉́͐͋͛̉̉̊̾̓̎̓̎̈́̓̈̉́̓̊̀̎̋̅̅̓͠ͅ­̧̨̢̢̨̱̤͉̠͉͈̭̹̜͖̙̪͔͈̦̣̜̼̦̼̺͎̘͔͖̩͖̣̗̳̼̰̻̘͚͕̟̣͇̘̭̪̜̘̩̝̰̯͜͜͜ͅͅͅA̷̛̛̍̕­̛̛̛̓̔̋̇̓̃̎̄̍̑̆̔̋̊̒̿̓͑͒̃̀͑̽̿́̈́̄̂̌̔̒̽͛͂́̐̍͋̇͗̾̏͌̌̉̓̍̽̈́͐͛̈́̀͆͒̍͗͘̚͝͠͝­̢̛͖͖̞͇̂̑̋̍̉̊̐̈́͌̋̄͑̉͛̂̎͛̌̐͌̊̔́̇͘͝L̶͋̀̈́̇͑̔͑̐̾͊̽̅́̿͛̀̇̽̍̆̉́̈́͐͆͂͘̚͠͠͝­̂͒̏̓̉̑͛̃̿̔͑̄̂̉̌̒̐͛̍̎̈́̆̈̐̀͆̐̓̽́̔̀̎́̇̽͗̔͑̈́̂̎̑̐̒̐͋͛̈͊͆͊̅̂́̿̔͌͗̕͘͠͝͝͝­̰̼̠̪̪̭̗̜̤͙̥͚͉̤̺̲̮̦̗̰͙͆̍̈̔̋̈͐̽͊̿̇́̍̎̈́̀͊̒̀̈́̊͛̎̏͒̑̓̒͌̒̅́̽͛̋͘̕͝͝͝͝͝͝ͅ­̢͉̺̬̱̦͖̜͓̣̣̜̱͕̜̫͔̝̫ͅ.

I want this to be real.

Call this purgatory
But it's not quite.

It's a balance between
Heaven
And
Hell.

Heaven from these waking and sleeping moments
Blanketed in your warmth
In your books and hair
And skin.
Showered with love
Cleaned by it
And showing true selves.
No puppetry.

And Hell
For all the same reasons gone.
No infinities
No blankets of lasting warmth.
All safety being yanked from me upon sunrise,
The ouroboros dwindling
And anxiety of next day.
To lose your libraries, your sheets, your smell and touch
In one instant.

Heaven AND Hell.
Forever sewing themselves into these moments.
Sine and Cosine.
The snake of comfort.

Call me Lucky.
It is my name.
It's how I see, breathe,
My life is full of it,
I can trust myself,
     The world.
It always resolves the storms around me,
It calms the waters of life,
It stops the bleeding,
      And while I'm healing in the recovery ward,
          It will even give me a sweet for my courage.
I am Lucky. I fear nothing,
     Because I know that I am made of steel,

I cannot repeat a pain as great I've felt.
     *So why fear.

They are yellow and green and orange
And they do not taste good
And they grow on vines,
Woman!
A gourd.
They are the colors of Autumn.
I want. A sweater. The color.
Of a.
GOURD.

I've held so many women,
More than I can count.
But if I had to count.
I would say four.
And then I would say one.
My brain would say four.
My heart would say one.
I've only held one in my heart.

And she hates me.

I fantasize about filling all my vein and arteries and my heart with a fine cement, letting it dry and removing the body.

The smell of cigarette ashes
     is for me.
Musty, slow, deep and strong,
Breathe in gradually,
But breathe.

The scent reminds euphoria,
     of smokers long past.
A past even more so.

So if you catch me breathing in deep,
When you let out a lung of smoke,
     Remember I am just remembering.

Winter is a time for love, warmth, and passion.
Spirits flourish with strength, endurance, and desire.
They dash into flurries blindly, grabbing anything that holds.
Many souls grab mimics; branches that break. Lost in the storm again.
But those who can reach further and harder, hold on forever.

These winter mornings make me miss you,
Your scent, your breath, how you always left me,
The pet names we called each other,
The small pieces of foreign languages we meant,

Your “Lo siento”s, your Elvish “I love you”s (‘Amin mela lle’),
The day of silence, I learned to sign my heart for you,
I learned so much through it all, my brain teemed,
But you only taught me how my pain was true.
    (And how to kiss.)

Winter mornings without warmth.
A compass with no North.

11-12-13

Thank you for not acting
On what I commanded.

Thank you for not cutting
Deeper than alive.

Thank you for.

The sky is Velvet.
How velvet blue it flows and sings to me the darkness and screaming of the night. It's softens and dampens
The Echoes echolocating and where I am in this world.
On the other side of the sun I hide in his shadow God his shadow still finds me though.
I'm not hiding in his shade, I am bathing in it. These days have become too much to bear, and **** is his shadow nice, his velvet blue shadow. But there's more to this than that,
How high the sky, how soft the air, how hard the ground is on my bare feet as I bruise and bash them against the ground in my constant wandering.

This Velvet Sky, a soft Silk Tie,
Around my neck it holds me tonight,
Tightening this white shirt to my chest,
This Shadow holds me.

Wake up to smell the ashes,
Step outside and die.
You can't see the gashes
I hide on the inside.

Paint on a smile and run,
Run with the hoards of sheep.
But even their collective sum
Won't put our minds to sleep.

We fake being happy,
We have to or we cry.
But we would accept death gladly,
To wake up and just, *die.

This egg,
Growing and incubated
Has been left cold and seeking,
Grasping at any branch,
Any hand
Any heat.

My eyes feel like acid,
Last night’s tears still hurt.

Richard was in his lab.
White coat and plastic bag.
Carrying lenses for the telescope.
To view planets.
And other space rocks.

Gemini 4551.
An asteroid.
Projected for Earth collision.
Two years exactly.
Richard kept a calendar.
Only he knew.

Richard and his lenses.

-

Richard told the president.
And his advisors.
They asked for proof.
But. He said.
I can’t see it today.
I don’t know where it went.
Let me clean the lenses.

Richard cleaned the lenses.
Still nothing.
The officials left.
Lunatic wannabe hero.

-

Many things were wrong.
Richard hated life.
His wife left.
His dog died.
No family.
No friends.
Richard hung himself on a Sunday.
Maybe God would care.

-

The asteroid came.
Uncaring.

I am Joe's bloodshot eyes.
I am Joe's clenched fist.
I am Joe's irregular heartbeat.
I am Joe's yearning ****** desire.
I am Joe's failing chemical receptors.
I am Joe's overdose.
I am Joe's attempted ******.
I am Joe's official autopsy.
I am Joe's medical examiner saying that he died from a cerebral hemorrhage.
I am Joe's mass grave.
I am Joe's lack of family and friends.
I am Joe's mistakes.

Awkward stances in a makeshift kitchen,
Barely big enough for the two of us.

I stared at your eyes. You were real,
We were there. I almost kissed you.


Later, I was rubbing you. You asked,
As per usual. I loved it. You are a strong woman, but,

You were sore.

Had he not been, Had they not been,
I would have kissed you.


Like never before.

I could write ten essays,
I could write ten thousand,
But not a single one,
Not ten thousand,

Could tell you,
How much I care,
Could describe,
How far I’ll dare,

To hold your hand,
Take the lead,
Live with you here,
Hear you sing,

You’re perfect,
Beau, I love you,
I’d fight back God Himself,
If I had to,

I’d write an opera,
Sail an ocean,
Slay all dragons,
For your motion,

I’d build a castle,
If you’d be my queen,
I’d conquer all others,
For the warmth you bring.

I love you, Beau.

-July 7th 2013

I miss you
Like leopards miss trees.
Like plants miss light.
Like babies miss mothers.
Like I miss you.

I'm not even poetic about it.
It's blatant;
     It didn't have to be this way.

I started to describe you to my friends
As a gravity well
A black hole
Vantablack.

You take EVERYTHING and give nothing in return,
You became an anomaly,
You were my sun,
Then one day your
Gravity became too large,
And you became that... Thing.
Taker.

The way you treat people is unacceptable,
And this is coming from a nihilist.

You are not a bad person,
You started to become one.

Accidentally, Something.

There's a virus in this school called hatred,
It finds your happiness and takes it.
It writhes in your pocket,
Sounds much like gossip,
And leaves your heart bare and naked.

Compass of steel and chain,
Around your neck you sit.
The points you show feign,
They never fit.

Lying so gently,
Laying so gently,
Benignly fading,
Mentally.

I can't fade the North I know,
Evident are the seeds she's sown.
If only if only
I weren't so lonely.

The Ocean
*exists.

I feel like a tool,
A pen, knife or wrench,
Applied for her will,
Twisted to her gain,
But I tell you now,
    wing turned black,
I will not let you use me,
    never again will you torque me,
    never again will I bend to your will.
So you know,
    for a handyman,
    you don’t know a hammer from a nail.

-June 15th 2013

I feel like a tool,
A pen, knife or wrench,
Applied for her will,
Twisted to her gain,
But I tell you now,
    wing turned black,
I will not let you use me,
    never again will you torque me,
    never again will I bend to your will.
So you know,
    for a handyman,
    you don’t know a hammer from a nail.

I'm so tired of taking what I want,
I'm so tired of trying so hard,
Don't wanna find the truth,
I'm okay with the silence I live with.

Things will happen, they always do,
And I will not stop them,
Why hold back an elephant,
When it is too strong for you.

Sin tu, tengo tristeza,
Mi alma estâ vacia,
"Ayuda, ayuda. ¡Por favor!"
"K."

This is why I must find my gold in the banks of a dry river.

Opalescent eyes,
She crawled on top of me and kissed my neck.

My dark oak hair layed out on the blanket in all directions,
Like a sunflower of stands.

She was there above me, with only one layer of shirt on,
The air was cold and I could see the temperature in her *******.

Her legs spread across my lap,
She could feel me turn harder,
And she smiled.

The Consensus in Silence.

It comes when no man speaks.
When no rain falls and no gun sounds.

It comes when you least expect it.
Awaiting the response, anticipation broken.

It comes when a question is asked.
And not one, not the strongest soul can answer.

It comes when a question is asked to all of us.
And not one voice is heard.
But thousands are felt.