The note now lies in the drawer of my bedside table.
Before then it was on the bed, drenched in tears.
The pain written on it means nothing compared to the actual pain I felt in that moment.
None of the pain was physical, I don't remember the sting of the razor.
All I remember was the music and the blood.
Both were dripping all around me.
Both were bright red.
Both were death.
The music was screaming at me while my life silently rolled down my wrist.
"Punk-rock." They said when they saw that I had done it the right way.
The right way.
The way to get it done.
I guess I knew this one was different because I couldn't see a bottom to the red chasm.
"I think I cut too deep." I said to no one.
"Did I mean to do that?" I said to myself.
"I think I need stitches." I said to my parents.
"You cut really deep." He said to no one.
"Did you mean to do that?" He said to me.
"He's gonna need stitches." He said to my parents.
"Why were the cuts so deep?" They said to me.
"Did you mean to do that?" They said to me.
"How many stitches did you need?" They said to me.
I said to them it was all an accident.
Nothing I do is accidental.
Everything has a reason.
I cut myself for a reason.
I cut too deep for a reason.
I left a note for a reason.
I went to my parents' room for a reason.
I told them I wouldn't do it again for a reason.
I always answer with "I'm doing better." for a reason.
Nothing I do is accidental.
Everything has a reason.

Joy.
That temporary high.
Fleeting feelings
in a short-lived life.
The rush that makes it
seem worthwhile.
A one way street.
Joy.
Intermittant peaks,
highs then lows.
All things in between
till you run out of road.
A dead end street
on a one way trip.
Joy.

r ~ 5/23/14

You were my oxygen and I was your carbon dioxide.

Mama said
"The sky is bright but the clouds are dark."
Papa said
"Your face is bright but your eyes are dark."
Sister said
"The world is bright but the people are dark."
Brother said
"You are bright but yet all you see is the dark."
I am the light, I am the dark.
We blend together, marbled in epiphanies of color and emptiness.
The strings that play the music also hold my wrists and ankles and make me dance to a tune I can't sing along to.
Untie me and see that when free, I fall.
So don't let me go but always hold me back.
I showed them more of me.
Mama said
"You're different."
Papa said
"When did this happen?"
Sister said
"Why did you let it consume you?"
Brother said
"You're completely gone."
Believe me, I've lost my bearings.
Help me, I'm so gone.
Save me, I want to come home.
I've missed everything, I miss it all.
I know I've left your side and I can't find my way back.
Don't leave me where I am even when I beg and plead.
I showed them all.
Mama said
"Where did you go?"
Papa said
"Come back."
Sister said
"We miss you."
Brother said
"You don't have to be alone.
But I already am.
I am so alone.
In the largest gatherings of the ones I love, I'm the most alone that I could be.
The surface of the water is bright but what swims underneath is so dark.