When you tell people you feel empty
they imagine a lack of feeling
but I feel so much
heaviness in my heart
like an anchor is weighing it down
and I feel every color in the sky
and how it's too much to handle
unless it matches my mood
and I feel every second of the day
and how it slows down to mock me
and I feel every laugh
and question why it takes so much out of me
to do a simple task
as being happy

I lie to myself and say happiness isn't a place
but I'm finding out that it is nowhere
and maybe that's why I find my mind
jumping from destination to destination
in my daydreams
or why I can't sit still for a second
because I always need to be on the move
if I sit still
I think
and thinking isn't good
so I plan out escapes and paths I could take
but I find myself in the presence of
nowhere
I am not going anywhere
but I want to be everywhere at once
but if I stay for too long
soon that place will become another
nowhere
I don't belong anywhere
I am uncomfortable
unless I am
nowhere

Tell me why my mind shuts down
and prepares itself for death
and the only thing I can think about it is
when it's going to happen
and the only thing I feel
are my tingly hands and my heart that
is about to jump out of my chest
and my tight muscles
and sweaty body
tell my why something I used to love
used to not think about as treacherous
becomes my downfall
tell me why my mind chooses to overthink
this yet not overthink anything else
and tell my why my mind shuts down
and the only thing I can think about is
how death doesn't sound that bad
and the only thing I feel
is this numbness
and foggy head
tell me why I fear death one day
yet the next I welcome the idea
tell me why
tell me why
tell me why
I am this way

I wish you could understand
the conundrum in my mind
but not even I can untangle its meaning
it's this mess in the middle of my chest
and it's hard to breathe when I think about it
but I don't even know what I'm thinking about
so everything is quiet
but if you ever listened to silence
you would hear this loud ringing
and it hurts your brain
so I can't be quiet
so I keep my mind busy
but that hurts me
so I sit and do nothing
but that hurts me
I am this conundrum
and if I can't solve it
I don't think anyone ever will

In the unveiled silence
I realize my existence in this universe
I'm just two blue eyes
one soft spoken voice
one clouded mind that can be so ******* loud
and a heart that feels like it doesn't beat sometimes
I'm a gaping hole
begging to be filled
with the wonders of this universe
and
in the unveiled silence
I realize
that I am one of those wonders

I hear the train off in the distance
and a siren echoing off the streets
and in my room I hear silence
because I am
alone.

Poetry has become my self harm,
I only write at my lows...
Instead of blood I see words,
Instead of a blade I have a keyboard...

I want to write about...
The wind dancing with the sea...
Or...
The way you smile and it lights up your innocent face...

I don't want poetry to be my self harm,
Because poetry is beautiful...
An art...
Not.
Just.
Blood.
And.
Scars.