How long do I have to wait
for someone to appear?

How long do I have to wait
for loneliness to not feel like
a negative emotion anymore?

Loneliness is saying hi to people you see from your class.
Loneliness is hanging out with people but not getting anything out of it.
Loneliness is connecting with someone but you never see them again.
Loneliness is feeling alone when surrounded by people.

It's like a sick twisted game you two love playing.
After a perpetual 24 hours of worrying and over thinking,
the next 24 hours are spent plunging into the depths of dark waters.
I can't escape.
It's like tug of war
and my rope is fraying.
One day I'm on the edge clinging for life
and the next I'm giving in to the idea of death.

I'm an optimist
until I feel my body and notice something's off,
until I hear a voice in my head that gives me reasons
why I shouldn't be happy,
until I realize everyone is moving on
and I'm stuck here in this trance.
I'm an optimist
until I realize
how ****** up I am.

How is it possible for life to feel so slow yet so fast?
I feel like everything becomes a blur
and then I just sleep it off.
I feel like I'm constantly sleeping;
constantly watching other peoples' lives go by.
I'm sitting here in my shell
waiting to break free,
while everyone else is having the time of their lives.
When will I feel that way?
When will I be happy?

Summer is known to be a "favorite" season,
but I hate summer most of all.
I do hate heat and humidity,
but there's something else I hate more than that -
I didn't realize it until now.
Summer leaves me trapped inside
daydreaming of having the "best summer ever"
yet it becomes another cycle of doing nothing.
Summer leaves me searching for happiness
but I end up with loneliness, anxiety, and depression.
Everyone is busy.
{or I stop myself from having a good time
because my mental illness would rather keep me company}
Summer promises the luxury of doing nothing,
but doing nothing makes me go
insane.