I never knew this before.
But, there is a time in our life,
When we realize just how horrendous it is,
To be human.
We realize that , that one person
Who said they would never hurt you.
You believed it,
In fact you knew it.
And a first crack hits,
You see just how painstakingly selfish this place is.
You feel the crush in your chest and the years in your eyes.
At some point during all this,
There's the ones that are still there.
The ones that hold you up
Make you feel as if you are strong enough.
You again with your trust,
Have your guard down.
A best friend will not hurt you.
They turn away as well.
And, when that happens.
You realize that you will never again trust another humans feelings.
If the only people in the world.
That were thought to be your allies
Left you with huge scars.
Then the world is a much,
Much darker place than ever imagined.
That while these feelings of self hate,
And complete lack of confidence on your ability to be loved.
Respected, adored, honoured.
Thats when the thoughts come out,
All those feelings, they are what set you apart at times.
They are what sets you apart.
You look at yourself and you realize
Just how much you would have done.
What you never would have,
How you could never have thought or done
The pain that was given to you.
The world it seems is a much colder darker place
Than first assumed.
You have changed, you will never hold a relationship
With the same absolution ever again.
Spouses, family and friends,
Are not what you thought.
Good and bad,
This world will lift you up,
To pull you down.
To watch you fall.
Break and change.
When you get up and walk you'll smile again.
The world will be cold, dark
People will destroy you
But if anyone keep faith in yourself
When the world is heartless and cold,
Try to remember to feel your heartbeat,
And love the innocent souls you created
And hope they never ever feel like you do.
Hope the sun stays out
The dark clouds that encompass you,
Stay with you instead.

Like a thief in the night,
it came, and stole apart of me away.
Like a lightbulb that burnt out.
You took a part of me.
Leaving scars, where scars shouldn't be.
You set out on a war,
a battle on my soul.

There is this darkness,
Like a plague,
constantly looming.
Hanging just above our heads.
Where lies control,
where hearts are broken.
The wounded, go unnoticed.

Walk through the blood,
it seems easy for you to do.
Just take what you want,
leave the broken, the wounded.
There is no use for them
in the world you have created.

Your delusional thoughts believe,
that this is a better life.
Where the wounded, the hurt,
are wrong.
And you are the king of right.

Please take a moment to look,
Open your eyes and see,
this life you have created,
will be the death of yourself.
Us, the supposed broken,
will be standing,
we will watch you lose your footing.
As you have lost it on reality.
We will be the ones to bury,
We will be the ones to carry on.

While you,
who is all wanting.
You,
who is uncaring,
You,
will end.

We will,
Be strong, as we have always been.
We will,
glance on,
as you steal the last breath from yourself.

There was a time,
When I picked up a pen and the words would just flow.
My head leaked into my hand and wrote it all down.
Now, I am too busy.
Too tired, too much of what everyone else wants.
I let my dreams slip away,
I miss writing, I miss knowing what I'm feeling.
I miss being centered, having my little place.

There was a time when I looked forward to friends, family.
Now, I look forward to silence.
To a moment to myself to sit and do absolutely nothing at all.
No, I do not want a drink.
No, I am not going to answer the phone.
No, the kids are going to bed, it's past their bed time.
No, I don't know who I am.

Yes, I want to scream.
Yes, sometimes I do want to run away,
go, and live on an island.
No,  I would never go anywhere without my kids.

The problem with being a mother,
you watch yourself slowly melt into this person you hardly know.
This person you never, ever thought you would become.
Some days, you become so drained, so lackluster
You think, just for a second...
Where would I be...

I would be no where,
I would be lost,
I would be lonely,
Instead of cuddling my baby,
I would hold a pillow?
Instead of doing hair for a ballet recital,
I would watch a movie with myself?
No smiles?
No kisses?
No one wanting your undivided attention?
Not helping them learn how to be themselves?
I gave up myself, so they could be them,

I am strong, to teach them how to be.
I am happy, because they are.
I am loud, to be heard.
I am quiet, so they can sleep.
I am here, so they can be.
They are everything to me.

These eyes that stare at me,
Blue as the sky on the clearest day.
Offer innocence, offer solace.
Those eyes complete me,
They heal my soul.

That blonde hair,
As if the sunshine would follow me anyhere.
Brings me back, fulfills me.
Gives me energy to fight on.

That energy, so full of life.
Reminds me why,
Life is beautiful.
Hearing that little voice,
those simple words.
Can remind me in a second why I am here.
I love you mommy,
Makes all the bad in the world go away.

There is no one in this world who will ever understand me like you,
no one has ever tried to make me love myself more than you have.
I am happy that you are happy, more happy than you about most likely to be honest.
It has been awhile since we have been around each other,
you have been mad at me.
I would have been mad at me too,
you love me and I wasn't loving myself.
I was angry too a bit,
cause I felt really, really alone.
It hurts so bad sometimes you know.
To sit there thinking about how little you matter to anyone.
Yesterday though, when you sent me that message.
I was ready to just disappear.
I have been here fighting so hard to get myself back.
I fought through the withdrawals of ****** and methadone
totally on my own.
It was hell and I fought it by myself and for the first time in a long time.
I won a fight, I was proud of myself.
No one noticed though,
Which is fine, I didn't need anyone too.
I just wanted to matter to someone,
I didn't have anyone and I hurt so badly I just didn't know what to do.
I hurt about a boy who has already moved on as I am still here staring at my phone
hoping he was gonna call.
I am living at my moms, the house I grew up in and I feel like I am so unwanted
in my own home.
I was ready to give up for good, to just disappear into the night.
It is hard when no one never sees the good in you anymore,
when they just think these horrible things about you.
Cause you broke when your life flipped upside down.
I handled it poorly but it didn't change me,
I was gonna just slip away with no one noticing.
Then you messaged me to tell you were getting married,
I mattered.
I am so happy for you, and I promise I wont miss this one for the world.
I am even happier though, that you thought about me in those moments,
cause you sent me a message to tell your news,
I knew I wasn't alone,
I knew I mattered to you,
and you matter to me too.
Yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever.

I died my hair black,
To forget about you.
To be able to look at myself,
See someone who wasn't alone.
To be able to give myself a chance.
To make you see I'm beautiful always.
You can't see it,
You don't want to.
I'm alone.
Still can't look at myself.
Still can't face the truth of it all.
Still ugly, still unwanted.
Still not worth your time.
I have black hair,
It matches my soul.

Since the 26th of December,  you were thinking of me constantly it seemed.
You were constantly calling me, you were messaging me.
We spent almost two weeks together inseparable.
I fell for you I guess and it was all my fault.
You were with her when we met.
I guess I just believed you when you said that you wouldn't play me.
Maybe when I had asked you to not play me
And you said you never would, you were just high.
How did I not know that just three days ago,
That when you said  you would catch me if I were to fall.
It was nothing more than a line.
My friends say I deserve more, and I am too good for you.
That you have too many problems, too many ghosts haunting you
But I don't feel like I am good enough for anyone at the moment.
I shouldn't have ever gone around you and I should haven't got lost in your eyes.
I should have taken the hint that it wasn't me that you wanted.
You made it clear in the nicest possible way.
I should have known better than that.
I still feel like crying though,
And I still miss you
And I still wish we could have been happy.
I wish I would have been what you wanted.
Good enough,  just once.
Oh well another lesson to learn
Another bridge I guess I will burn.

There are tears in the world tonight,
There is love that is hated,
Good people, with hearts full of love.
Rejected, denied, abused.

There is love in the world tonight,
where the hated, still love.
Where the rejected,
are held tight.
Where the world comes together.
To say, this is not right.

Who has the right,
to tell you who to love?
No one, can control anothers heart.
The people, who worship a book.
That is supposed to be a book of love,
they hate, they despise, they steal equality.

Do not take what is not yours to take,
It is not yours to claim,
it is not yours to abuse.

They are not wrong,
they are not the devil.
For loving with all of their hearts.

Take a lesson,
learn from them.
The true meaning of the word love.

I hate these times.
Sitting around a pile of boxes.
With all of the broken promises looming in the air.
Where, we believed we were invincible.
We believed that we were each others forever.
So long ago, and the haunting nights I sat alone.
Just waiting for it to come back to us.
Waiting for our light to come back to us.
But with blow after blow, you flew away.
And I lost a piece of me with every tear.
All those things that once were,
The life we had planned. Gone.
I am too hurt to face the truth, I'll never be the same.
I lost myself in your hatred towards me.
I gave myself away, so here is my shell.
And it's not a lot left.
Everything I was, sorry I lost it.
My spark faded out as the heartbreak took over.
Insecurities and fake emotions to cover the stabbing pain that never leaves.
I slept with someone,
Who said nice things and made me feel somewhat ok.
We both know though, that was only an escape from the endless taunting screaming in my head.
It's gone, what we had.
It's all gone, no matter what you say now.
I can't erase what you said and did to her.
I can't fill the emptiness.
Sitting here, staring at you, staring into the eyes
Of the most intense raw pain I have ever felt.
Is far too much.
Faking and lying to him is too.
I can't care about anyone.
Look at me, I'm running on fumes.
I had the zest for life,
The wanting to give affection bled out of me.
Every night I cried alone in bed.
I'd call, beg for you to love me.
If you were here, you would walk right by.
That, I'll never forget.
The first pain of knowing you could care about someone else, was shattering.
The pain that followed as piece by piece I lost my dignity trying to get it to be me you loved.
When you would walk by, look at me as just a nuisance, a pathetic worthless sub standard human.
That's what remains, the pain outweighs it all.
The pain of losing the thing I believed in the most.
I can't have you, and you poisoned most of me.
So here is what is left,
A broken woman who will never believe in anything again.
Hides her pain in something that grabs her attention for a minute.
And boxes, some kids clothes on the floor.
Broken picture frames, shattered dreams.
When I sit here you can smell the hatred you had for me.
The walls almost drip with my blood.
I still wake up when I can sleep, alone.
Waiting for more pain, or waiting for it to finish me off.
It shouldn't have ended, or maybe it should have never begun.

You are standing there and asking me how I feel right now.
Do you really want to know the truth?
The truth is I ache, everywhere and nowhere.
I want to climb out of my own skin and never ever come back inside of it.
I want to sleep, but I can’t
I can’t move though.
Every time I try to walk my muscles feel like I have walked miles upon miles.
My hair hurts on top of my head.  
I want so badly to go and find something to make me feel better
Yet I am totally lacking in the ability to do so.

You do opiates with me,
You see me do them everyday.
You know I am doing them.
Yet you help yourself, you forget about me.
Then when you come home you deny my sickness.
You try to tell me I don’t know what I am talking about.
That I am getting the flu.
What gives you the right to be the judge of that?
For once could the facts come into play for you?
For just ******* once could you think of me?
For once can I ******* matter?

I am telling you I am sick,
I was depending on you to pull through for me.
Now, I am just laying here half awake half asleep
While you are good and fine.
Knowing you could have helped me,
Decided against it, then made me feel like there is not one thing about me that you care about.
There is not one thing I say that you believe.
Dopesick, lovesick, tired of this life…
Ready to give up.

I first saw the world, when you opened your eyes.
I first met true love, holding you in my arms.
All of a sudden, my dark world was filled with love.
Emotions like anger, jealousy, envy and resentment
seemed pointless, a waste of precious time.
No one else mattered to me, you were my one and only.
The only thing that was important to me,
was knowing you knew how much I loved you.
And to protect your innocence.

I watched you grow, and walk and smile and laugh.
You amazed me with everything you did.
I smiled all day long, whether we were on walks,
or snuggling on a rainy afternoon.
Your opinions on the way the world should be,
were so full of love and peace.
You, to this day are the brightest most beautiful star
I have ever seen.
You my sweet girl,
will forever amaze me.

I am sitting here alone now,
with all my regrets and mistakes, my sorrow and pain.
I am wishing I could look up
see your face smiling at me.
Your sister and yourself, sitting hugging,
laughing loud.
I have never felt more peace,
happiness and unconditional true love,
as when I just sat quietly back.
Watching the two of you be sisters to each other.
Loving each other, enjoying each other,
having each other.

I can never apologize for what happened,
I could never try to truly measure the lengths I fought
For you, for your childhood, for your life.
For your sister, her childhood and her life.
For our families memories, for your perfect life.
I am struggling, every day to find a reason to keep going forward.
To keep trying to do right by you, and your sister.
Because you two deserve that.
You are my heart, my soul, you are the reason I breathe.

It is so hard for me to know,
that I just lost it all.
I fought so hard for you, so you would stay the same.
But every battle got harder and harder.
And I was my only defence, and I am ashamed to say,
a mother broke, failed, let down her children.
Knowing I did this, makes every day a struggle,
and I cannot forgive myself.
My heart is yours, your sisters as well.
I love you,
you are the reason I breathe.
You are the reason I try.

I keep falling,
and I get knocked down alot,
but I will show you how much I love you,
in how many times I stand back up.

The thoughts circle in my head.
Darkness
Pain
Anxiety
Desperation
I am gonna go to jail.

I am gonna miss family court.

I'm gonna lose my only reason for living.

The one, who loves me.
Doesn't respect me.
Sees no issue in me feeling degraded.
I'm losing.
I'm drowning.

Why go forward?
Why fight?
      For what? Myself?
I don't even know who I am anymore.
And even less do I know if I'm worth anything?
I do know I just constantly hurt.
Why don't my tears mean anything?

I feel as if I can't move.

I feel u human.

Hated
Disgusting
Repulsive

Why would I try to move forward?
Why fight?
         To feel even lower?
Less even more?

What am I after I lose the one last hope I cling to?
What happens when that last piece of my soul breaks?
Why? In a roomful of people, do I just feel awkward? Unwanted?
Pathetic?
So different?
I give up
I don't know what to fight for anymore

Fight
      And
           Lose
                Fight
                      And
                            Lose
I just show my girls how to lose.

Burnt flesh,
the scent wafting into my memory.
Reminding me of more pain,
as todays gauntlet
introduces itself to me.
I am your life.
I am just another test,
to see how much we can break you.

To see how much you can lose,
before you just step over,
and out,
over the deep end.
Before you just walk away,
Never looking down.
Before your legs buckle and break.

Before the last piece of yourself,
Just gives in.
Where is my baby girl,
and why did he lie.
Why can't anyone see,
I always meant well.
I love her, she's my world.

Isolated, cold.
Just lost my reason to live.
Just lost my reason to hold on,
Just lost it all.

Why do you even bother,
Why would it even matter.
You failed your children.
You did this,
my mom will blame me.
She always made me know,
how insignificant of a human being I really was.

And now she tells my beautiful,
perfect little angel
about their useless mother,
and her forgiving heart,
such a pathetic stupid girl.
Its all her fault
Idiot.

I lost it, lost it all.
I have nothing,
I don't wanna be awake,
I don't wanna know what tomorrow will bring.
I don't wanna do this anymore.

Here's the thing, you sit here crying over her.
You want it all back.
How many nights did she sob? Beg? Plead?
You stomped her into the ground.
Then, she rises stronger and more beautiful then before.
She realizes her happiness is her own.
You're too late, through destroying her.
You made someone far more amazing and that much stronger.
She'll say thank you, and she'll walk away.
You will sit with your regrets while she takes on the world.
Watch your world discover one,
Where you just exist.
Where she wanders wherever you will not be.
You broke it apart.
While glass shattered around her.
She was the only One there to help her.
While you saw the wounds,
And chose not to care.
The scars are fading my friend.
And with them, you
Become a memory of how she got where she's going.

I'm not gonna let you know how much I miss you.
I am definitely not going to show you how hurt I am.
How much I just wish we were laying there together.
Or that I could be looking into your haunting eyes.

I'm not anywhere near you though.  
I'm here, you're there... With her.
You talk with me, I feel pathetic for talking to you still.
Yet, here I sit every day for over a week talking away.

I don't get why I just can let you treat me like this
From the first time I saw you, you had my attention.
I was drawn to you, you easily draw me in with the slightest glance.
You're like my personal quicksand, the more I try fight it the worse it is.

In a mere instant it felt like to me, you wanted me,
Then someone else.
That shook me.
So quickly and without warning we went from falling for one another
Where your lips constantly were on mine,
Then you,  were just gone.
You were with her.
I guess I just didn't see it coming and I still don't understand.

You say it has nothing to do with me
That what you felt, and what you said was not a lie.
None of it was planned.
Your explanation is a simple "I don't know I'm just ******."

You worth mote than that to me, you were more than just a ****** up individual who walked away from me.
My very common mistake, a lesson I never seem to learn.
People don't value me as much as I value them.
I sit here feeling like shift,
Hoping you would incessantly call me again.

Because besides me taking this pen to this paper,
Sitting here pouring my heart onto the page
I don't have much else to do.
Even less that makes me smile.
Not much can make me smile like just your presence does.

It was good while it lasted
I wish you could have been as happy as you made me.
I will be over you, I know this it isn't my first time catching feelings.
I know how it goes, all this will all be out of my mind shortly.
Someone new will come along and maybe this one will want me the i wanted you to

Maybe he will miss me as much as I miss you.
Maybe I will get as lost in his eyes as I do in yours.
Maybe just seeing him will make me feel like I am thirteen again
Just like everytime I saw you.

Until then I'm just gonna sit here, hurting
Hoping you change your mind
Asking fate to smack you upside the head
Hoping you could find everything you want and need in me.

A girl can hope can't she?
Even i know it will never happen.
For this moment I feel a little better.

How did I know that a half assed apology would make my way this morning?
How did I know that it wouldn't mean a thing, and that nothing would change?
History I suppose.
This history also shows, just how many nights I fought my own head to stay strong.
While you, lied, cheated, had no thought of my inner battle.
The battle you started.

I became weak as a kitten, with every passing day I yearned for the support from you.
I would scream "Please, I Just want you to hold me till I can face the world again!"
The screaming, you would just say would hurt your ears.
So, you'd walk away, or hang up the phone.
And the knife would go in deeper, through to the other side how many times?

If everyone else can see the pain in my eyes?
Are you the blind one? Or, do you just  see your own?
Am I just a mirror, and now that I am broken in pieces, not valued that much?
A little "****, I'm sorry" text.

After I tell you, you never run to me, so I give up.
I said you wouldn't do anything for me, and I deserve that.
I told you goodbye cause I was never worth that much to you.
and that you had every chance to prove the love I so desperately fought for,
you ignored me last night.

For the last time, you hung up on my pain.
For the last time, I let you, whom didn't care how hopeless I felt,
control the direction of my life.
You, were supposed to the man, the strong one protecting what you loved.
Yet, Battered, bruised, beat down by the world, and alone.
That's all I am.

You will read what I write, give up, and live on without me.
And that is why I choose to do the same.
History shows we weren't meant to  be.
And now I close the book, the pain.
And say Good Bye.

I want to go home, so badly I want to run right back there.
I want to jump into a time machine, before I broke.
I want to take back every bad choice and I want to be sitting there again.
Staring at two perfect little beings laughing and smiling, feeling total and complete happiness.
There is a place in my dreams where this still exists and every morning I wake up is just a painful reminder.
So I try to stay awake, and I try to stay numb, I try to forget everything I was,
I try to forget everything I was.
People hate me for it, they don't seem to understand that I hate myself far worse than anyone else can.
I am lost, and my home doesn't exist anymore
I am so afraid that the only happiness I  see in my life is in my past.
I am so afraid to try and stand up cause I don't think I can stomach another fall.
I have nothing here, nothing I was, no one to lean on.
I am too afraid to try and find home again alone.
Sorry doesn't even begin to cover what I want to say.
Sorry I am broken, sorry I am so scared to break anymore.
Sorry I was not strong enough to keep the only thing I wanted.
I tried to stay at home, I only wanted everything I had.
I just want to be home.

It's more than just the feeling of hurt.
When you say that you are sorry,
You hurt my feelings.
The picture really isn't in focus for you.
That feeling that was hurt,
It was that unconditional love I could feel,
While I hated myself.
It was the confidence that someone
Saw the beauty in myself,
While I tore myself down.
It was the push to keep going,
Everytime I wanted to fall.
It was the ability to become something,
Because even though I didn't think so,
I had someone who did.
It was the person who had my back,
That turned away.
It was the silence,
While I learned just how little,
I meant,  our friendship.
It was the lack of effort for someone,
To prove your worth something.
It was finally finding out,
Already broken, shattered.
What alone truly felt like.
Watching all the pain I have been dealing with.
And knowingly add to it.
It's realizing that you have nothing,
Left to give, or take.
That words are just words,
That actions are so much more.
That no one has proven anything.
My feelings you hurt.
Was the last solid thing standing,
Crumbling.
I proved to myself to stand up,
By myself for once.
I looked at myself though,
And could still see why I would never be a first choice.
After all the years you watched my mind
Consume me, take away reality
With a self hatred that would make me sick.
It somewhat brought it all back up front.
If that one person who you trusted to be your eyes,
When your mind showed you a bent image of yourself.
When they  neglect to see your pain,
Choose to steer clear of it.
You realize that no one,
Will be there for you sometimes.
Will care for you forever,
Will put their pride away to do something about it.
Your feelings are so much more.
Your faith is broken,
Your trust is gone.
Your beliefs are wrong,
I am just another being fighting in this life alone.
It does so much more than hurt.
It breaks what you were.
You hurt my feelings?
You changed who I was.

I miss the way you used to talk to me.
I miss you used to respect me,
and my opinion.
I miss feeling like we were inseparable.
I miss you and I,
I miss me.

You used to look at me,
and I wouldn't see any anger or resentment.
I used to not just seem to frustrate you.

I feel really alone right now.
I just want you to see me how you used to
So then maybe I wouldnt be such a stranger to myself.

It is really hard, being broken, damaged goods.
Ruining everything in your path.
I am sorry I am such a burden now.
I am sorry I am such a disappointment.

You were once one of the first female supreme court judges.
An engineer, professor,  politician.
You were a loving mother,
The perfect husband.
Life can be cruel though.
Time has stolen your individuality.
I watch as your wife leads your hand down the hall.
To your room,  you remain suprised everytime.
The pain, in your families eyes,
Camoflauged with a smile.
As you introduce yourself as if you have never met.

You ask me where you are,
Why you're here.
I'll tell you, but you never believe me.
I try to explain over and over,
The shock is new everytime.

I take care of you,
I try to help you through this chapter of your life.
By the time I meet you,
You are not who you were.
Your mind is lost in time and my face is always new.

Looking at your pictures I try to see how you were.
Try to imagine the strength,  the youthfulness.
I try to make you feel as whole as a stranger can.
I am here with you day after day.
Over time you become like family to me.

The disease has taken you,
I wish I could change all that.
But instead I'll just sit here,
Listen to your story of strung up words that make no sense.
I'll smile when you do
Look sympathetic when I need to.

You are a human being with the strength of a hundred men.
You have had the diagnosis told to you.
You were so aware of what you would become.
I am here to help you
I respect who you were, and who you are.
I try to make your last days a little better, easier.
I'm your nurse.
I hope I can help.
Even if it is just for a moment.
I hope you know,
What an amazing soul still resides in you.

I wish you freedom, memories and peace when it's your turn to go.
And I welcome who takes your place.
Never forgetting your individuality.

"I am on my way" you text me.
I sit here, awaiting for you to come home.
I want to cuddle, I want to talk.
I want to laugh with you, and joke around.

Then, the hours pass and I am still alone.
I ask you again, "where are you?"
this time there is no answer.
I am still alone.

It's not that I'm interested in who is calling you,
but when your phone rings, and you cover it.
So I don't see the call display,
I am gonna think.
I have been here before.

When is the last time you rushed home to me?
When you thought we were gonna be separated,
did you make extra time for me?
I am not stupid, but I am insecure,
and for good reasons.

How do you think you would feel?

Time, after time being told, "I am minutes away"
and then you wake up hours later, alone.
You fall asleep alone,
You wake up alone.
Wanting someone to want to make time for you.

They just tell you, that you are silly.
For thinking and feeling what you feel.
Your pain that is in your heart, just gets blown off.

I realize I am not fun anymore,
I realize I have anything you want to listen to.
I realize that I am not as hot as I used to be,
you dont want to have me on your arm.
I realize I am not what I used to be at all.

I cry all the time, and I sit alone.
I sit here, with all my insecurities.
No one who makes me a priority or who just wants me around.
I get worse, and worse and worse.

Every night I just wish that you would treat me like you used to.
Cause then maybe,
I could become a little of who I used to be.

Instead, I am here hidden.
Waiting endless, lonely, painful hours for you.

So what exactly did I do?
To have you become so angry at me you just cut me out of your life.
To forget about me completely after I held it down for you.
I'm dopesick and I'm tired of hurting for someone that doesn't give a ****.
I'm lost and I'm sorry but it never even mattered to you.
Do you miss me right now? Cause I miss you.
I miss the sound of your voice and I miss looking at your perfect lips.
I miss just having to kiss them and I miss the way you could make me laugh.
I miss sitting there and just looking over at your perfect face.
Surprised every time at how perfectly gorgeous you truly are.
I miss you kissing my head as you held me close.
I miss knowing I had you as mine.
I miss not hurting, I don't wanna keep checking my phone.
No new texts, no missed calls and just more and more disappointing silence.
No one here with me, nothing to call mine.
Just some pictures of you and I that I took that I wish I had just took today.
Instead I will just sit here and try my hardest to forget what I felt for you.
I'll make myself forget you until I am okay.

we are imperfections of the universe
Power greedy beings, who do not understand
All knowing, stupid creatures of habit.
Believing in all, Realizing nothing
with questioning morals
We lie in the name of love, **** in the name of God.
We judge everything, as if we have the right to.
We depend on the passiveness of non-violent people.
To bully them and prove our power
Stating they are "weak", when in fact,
Are intelligent. Amongst the powerful morons that govern our society.
They **** children, for freedom.
Stealing their innocence.
We all watch on, intelligent and stupid alike.
Do nothing and justify ******.
Learning nothing from the past,
We continue to be guided by falsehoods,
Such as religion and democracy
Millionaires, **** for oil.  ****** the youth of a chance for peace.
Blood rains down on the world,
Lies, hatred and envy grow.
Until one day, no one will be safe.
No one will know the true meaning of love,
or peace.
We will blame the media, society, parenting.
Anything but ourselves and the ignorance we hold so dear to our cold hearts.
Forgetting that we all played a part in digging the mass grave we will all one day lie in.
Where will the politicians hide when the bombs strike the world?

I'm trying here,
To keep my sanity.
Feel like a human being.
To feel beautiful,
When all I really feel is low.
Unwanted. Unloved.
I'm trying to smile instead of cry.
To make the most of a horrible situation.
Learn from it I guess.
I can't decide what to do.
I don't know where to go,
I don't want to look in the mirror.
I don't even know her anymore.
I let go,
Gave up really.
Still, lost.
Feeling alone and insane.
Feeling insecure and disliked
May just be the worst of this mess.

Is it real, any of it?

Is a constant reminder and feeling of what was,

Just that,

Only a feeling?

Or is it my warning sign to break now,

Run while I still can,

Or sit and wait for the walls to crumble.

Warning signs, self contempt,

I can no longer tell the difference.

That is terrifying,

Knowledge is power,

Ignorance is bliss.

What do I choose?

Where do I go?

And who can I run to?

What becomes of us when we spend our time,

Thinking of what might be?

And worrying about what could be true.

Lost and alone,

I ask myself these questions.

I always ask myself these questions,

Yet I still have not found an answer.

Frightened, stressed, and unimpressed

I wander through my day,

In a fog.

I just wish that you could have known, how badly it was that I needed you to make me feel special.
Like I was worth a little time focused on me, like I was worth rushing home to.
Just to be a shoulder to cry on, to be the protector.
Where we wouldn’t have to do anything,
I wish you could have wanted to be there for me, known how hurt I am inside and how little I feel.
I wish I still meant something to someone,
Like I belonged somewhere.
Like I wasn’t just the last thing on the list to cross off.
Cause I don’t want to not matter anymore.
I wish you could have seen that I needed you to need me.
I needed to be loved, and just be acknowledged, for someone to understand that I feel like I have no meaning anymore.
Not a single reason to exist.

I wish I didn’t know that you would walk out the the door, and just make some crack about me.
I wish my life wasn’t just this, being alone, thinking about all the memories in my head.
I wish I wasn’t just a joke to everyone.
I wish you still thought the world of me, and you can say you do,
But you don’t, you can’t and behave like this.

You cant take one hour away from your phone, or a day away from your life.
To be there for me.
I said I would try, but it hurts cause you are still going on your path,
that is so far from the one I need to regain my life.
It hurts a lot that youre not here, especially today.
Cause today is the anniversary of the worst day of my life,
And the most traumatic too.
You didn’t even think about that, or what that is doing to me.
You didn’t care when you walked out the door that I felt like this.
You still went and made that crack to your new friends.
You still left and I still wont really cross your mind.
I really needed to though,
Cause now I think I know for sure.

That I will never be what I once was to you.
We will never get that back,
That you are already gone.
You can say it is for money, you can say it is for me.
But the truth is, if it was for me,
You would’ve seen the thing I needed was just time and love,
With no judgments.
No sighs, no insults, no little digs about the time you had made for me,
or the potential money lost.
Cause we need money yes,
But what is money gonna do when I have totally lost who I am?

Will you be there for me at all when I just stare off into space,
because I feel that I am closer to that than anything right now.

I have lived in hell,
I called it love.
I was told by him,
It was me who turned our heaven into hell.
Now though as the fog is fading,
I know.
I know it wasn't me at all.

I was not to blame for being strangled.
I was not to blame for being dragged into the darkness of a football field at midnight.
For believing that this is where I would die.
Beaten in a field so close to home,
With my pants around my ankles.
After he ***** me, strangled me.
After he punched my face, hit me with what ever would hurt.

It was not my fault he whipped me, chased me down streets while I cried.
While I prayed for safety.
It was not my fault he lied about me.
It was on him, the bite marks, the concussions.
The way he destroyed everything I owned.
Everything I was.

It is his fault what he did.
But what is on me is what I am still allowing him to do.
I am still afraid to be alone,
I will look over my shoulders as if his eyes are watching my every move.
I am certain that one day my family will be notified of my death.
I am not sure how i change that.

I let his words consume me,
I dont feel lovable, maybe everyone is better in bed than me.
Perhaps I am just this ugly, useless repulsive joke.
Perhaps anyone who may fall for me,
Or who I fall for will hate me within a day or two.
Because I am such a pathetic waste.
I am stupid, I am fat, I am worthless.
These thoughts and the scars are what remain of my hell.

I am wanting to move forward, be normal, believe in happiness and people that are good inside.
I want to believe there is actually good in me.
But i am so afraid, what if there is truth in his words?
What if I deserved the nightmare's?
What if I caused the violence?

Cause all I really want is to lay beside you,
Someone new, someone genuine.
I want to know that I am not just a joke to you
That you actually want to kiss me ad much as I want to kiss you.
I just need you to know,
That right now I don't expect forever, and I dont need an I love you.
I just want honesty, I want to be able to not be a disappointment to you.
I want you to like who I am, and to not play games.

Because I am trying to heal myself and just need you to know
That I dont want to learn that he was right
And I was wrong.

I remember your smile,
I remember your voice.
I remember how many times
You told me how you felt when you first saw me.
I felt so giddy.
I can see your face, your lips.
I can feel the high energy you had near me.
I can feel the electricity between us.
I know how it feels to wake up smiling.
Beside you.
I can feel how hard it was for you.
To sit there and tell me that the one before.
Was carrying your baby.
I promised we would be friends.
Who knew that friendship would be so amazing.
And so difficult.
We both knew we needed each other in our lives.
We couldnt let go.
I love our conversations.
I read what you wrote me.
You are so happy to have me in your life to support you.
But, we grab each other close again
Our lips touch and we cant stop ourselves.

I feel like I should not feel this way.
I feel like it is imperative the I don't,
in all honesty.
I want to touch you,
I want to kiss you.
I want to be asleep,
with your breath on my neck.
I want your beautiful eyes,
staring into mine.

I want to feel complete again.
I want to know,
without a doubt in my mind,
what true love is.

I shouldn't need you,
like I do.
But I am still here,
needing you anyways.
I shouldn't miss you like I do.
Here I am though,
day after empty day.
With you haunting my mind.
Stealing all other thoughts,
and cares from me.
I shouldn't love you this much.
So please, Why?
Why can't I just stop loving you?

Why do I wait for your arms,
to be around me?
Why can't I just let anyone else,
touch me, or feel my skin?
Or get close to me at all?
It feels so wrong,
Like I would be betraying myself.
Like I would be destroying my world,
and every thing inside of it.

It is you that remains everything to me.

You are the only arms I want holding me close.
Like I am the only thing in life worth holding onto.
You are the only lips I want on mine, or my skin.
You are the only one I want inside of me.

No matter what you have done.
No matter what logic I may know.
No matter what I do,
or what I tell myself.
Or how many times I wake up,
telling myself over and over and over again,
I shouldn't love you so much,
that my heart only sees you.
I shouldn't miss you so much,
I just feel empty.
I still do.

It never changes.
My heart refuses to let you go.
I sit here, all alone.
Trying to rebuild myself.
Hoping you go to sleep every night,
With me as the last thought that crosses your mind.
My face in your dreams,
like yours is in all of mine.
Hearing my voice,
sometimes all I hear is you.
Will this pass in time?
Or will our toxic love
just haunt me forever?

Will I stay forever loving,
Forever missing you?

I am already feeling the resentment towards you.
I am wishing that I was anywhere but here right now
I don’t want to waste my time anymore here,
I don’t want to be a second choice.
When I have the ability to be so many men’s first choice.

I am not gonna sit here, while you don’t want me.
I am not gonna let you bring me down.
I know what I am, I know what I am worth.
I know there is far better out there,
than what you have ever offered me.

So, I am saying this only once to you,
If you would like to be with me,
It is time you said something,
It is time you made a move.
Unlike yourself, once I am gone
I am gone forever.
No longer to be disrespected by someone like you.

You will call me,
You will expect  me to pick up.
I won’t though,
Doing so would merely be a waste of my time.
You will realize at some point you care,
When it will not matter to me anymore.
I will be gone, and you will be alone.

I will be far more on my own.
Than I am right now,
This silliness of feeling low about myself,
Because of a man,
who is gonna lose the best thing to possibly have happened to him

It is your loss,
your problem.
You will one day feel how I feel now.
It is a shame that we did not feel the same way at the same time.

I am starting to think,
I may actually be okay.
It is not a big step I am aware,
But I took myself out today.
I was alone, in a crowd.
But I didn’t want to hide and cry.
I was confident enough,
I even smiled at folks who looked my way,
And said “hi”
I think if I push myself,
Just a little each day…
When I look in the mirror one day that’s quite soon,,
I wont be lying to myself when I tell myself
It will be okay.
I can see who I am,
Even if just a tiny glimpse,
I am still there.
I can fight back, I can win.
Even if this ****** life is so unfair.

I have been dealt many blows,
And I have laid broken too long,
I just need to finally realize,
I am actually this strong.
I am still standing if battered,
Bruised that is for sure.
I am crying, and I am lonely.
But my heart is still pure.
I still see the good in every person I meet.
I still want the perfect true love.
Fall asleep with kisses so sweet.

Even though there is dark,
And the sadness is not gone.
Please know I am here trying.
Please know I am thing strong.
I ask you for patience,
I ask you for care,
I ask for your love,
And to simply be there.

It wont always be so bleak,
I wont be such a dread,
I wont always have crazy thoughts
Filling my head.

I ask you for love,
And honesty too.
I ask for forgiveness,
For everything I have done to you.

Where I am struggling back from,
Is a very dark place.
I am fighting strong demons,
Who have won for a while.
But my love, I promise you,
Be there for me now.
And one day soon we will both smile.

If you want to see me be good,
Be the girl that did steal your heart.
Then please, I beg of you,
Lets go back to how we were at the start

Where our kisses didn’t end,
And we were each other’s best friend.
Where the passion was electric.
And the laughter was endless.
Please show me this is still possible.
Cause at times I am afraid.

That I have lost that perfect thing forever.
That I have damaged you, now you are forever changed.
You are my light, you are my heart and you are the reason I fight.

All that I ask if that you hold me at night,
And kiss me, and hold me,
Show me what I mean,
I promise you now baby, I will do just the same.

It is a step, and a little one,
I know but please see.
I am trying to be what I need me to be.

It'. s like I just can't seem to get it right.
Like no piece is falling into the right place,
Like all the frustration will never end.
EverythingI wanted, needed so desperately.
Lingers and taunts me, with every grasp I make.
It floats further away,
Never to feel whole, never feel okay.

It's like I'm always wrong.
Im just this nuissance, a broken piece.
Just getting in the way.
It's like you never will change,
The resentment towards me.
The lack of patience.
Not caring to notice just what I need.
You don't want it.

It's like Im screaming inside,
Hopelessly clawing my way up a endless hole.
I am trying to cure myself,
Save the world around me.
And now,
With every harsh word.
Every angry comment,
Every secret,
I slip deeper.
I hate myself.
Because I don't even know who I am.
I'm no one, nothing.
I'm not me.
I'm just a worthless waste of time.
With everytime it's proven how little I am,
It digs deeper, more intense pain than the time before.

It's literally killing me,
Tearing at every inch of me.
And yet,
Its not noticed, nothing changes.
The only change is me,
Slipping further and further into a dark hole.
Losing pieces of myself constantly.
With no one to help me save them

Today I was thinking,
of your lips kissing every part of me.                
Do you remember that?
The morning we just couldn't let go of each other.
Pure energy every times your lips would meet my skin.
You were going to lock up for the weekend.
Our goodbye of sorts.
It was the most passion and the closest thing to love I felt in so long.
The thought, that you would be sitting alone,
thinking of all the parts of me you kissed all weekend,
You would have that memory to keep you company,
made it that much more  enticing.
I actually said I love you, and was so glad you didn't hear.
We were far too early for anyone to say things like that.
I wouldn't want what was happening to change for anything in the world.

You gave me that watch,
I was so amazed that for whatever reason you had it,
You would think of me.
And that made me want you close so much more, you would never know.
He smashed it,  he took it and smashed it.
I screamed at him, I cried so hard and I couldn't tell you.
I still think about it and the pain is still there
the emptiness feeling in my stomach when I saw the pieces lying there.
He had grabbed me and gave me the watch he had given me.
Screamed at me to wear it instead, I threw it at him.
Told him I wanted nothing more than for him to stay away.
I told him not to ruin what I  wanted anymore.
He did I guess, or did I? Did you?

That night at my house,
you know the one,
Where his rage took a stab at us.
And we left,
That night I chose you.
I left all my belongings, my home and I chose a new chapter.
I chose you.
Remember when you took my hand in the cab and pulled me close?
The safest I have felt in years.
The closest to anyone as well.
I felt your heart and who you were and I hoped for time with you like this.

You stole my heart and made me believe again.
And now your hateful words and absence make me know.
How utterly silly of me to give my heart away,
how ridiculous to think I would ever mean anything.
I didn't love him you know.
I was falling for you.
I loved falling asleep in your arms.
I loved looking into your gorgeous eyes.
I hate how it ended.
And now, I wish it was just beginning again.
I have the memories, your gorgeous face and eyes I can still see.
I think I will hold on for a little while more.

It was your eyes,
That night my world got so much colder.
The sadness and the defeat.
The knowledge,that it was almost the end.
The silence, oh so quiet .
But your eyes screamed with love.
And with fear.
I would have waited, but you knew when you saw my face.
You couldn’t make me treat the burns.
You knew, you couldn’t say good bye.
You knew,
That this would be the last time your baby girl,
Would have to care for you.
I wish right now I could walk into my home again.
Like always, I could say “hey dad”
And hear a low voice say hey back to me.
Hear the chuckle, as you tease my kids.
Just like you used to do to me, you sure knew the buttons to push.
Sitting beside your bed, you lying silently.
I begged to any power that may be,
Please don’t let him be trapped in his head right screaming and hating himself.
Please don’t be angry at yourself dad.
Please,   please give yourself what you deserve.
I am so proud of who you were dad.
I am so proud to be your daughter.
I remember you patting my head when you thought I was asleep.
We were partners in crime.
I can hear that strong voice say I love you partner.
To be a kid again, and hear you say that  as I drifted off to sleep.
Oh, just for a second even.
But I grew up on you dad,
And as you watched me become bigger,
I watched your body  attack itself.
I watched your body take away everything you loved to do.
I saw you hate yourself for what you had no control over.
But you my dad, are the strongest, bravest person I have ever met.
You gave me my career.
No one else thought I’d be good at it but you.
And look at me now.
I care for people, and make their days better,
And I see you in every  single aspect of my day.
With every difficult person I see you,
The smartest man, knowledge on every subject.
The outdoorsman, the hunter, the never still hiker.
The brave paramedic that pulled boys out of frozen water.
The one I came to for every piece of advice I ever needed.
Not everyone could see what I did.  
That breaks me apart dad.
That makes me feel so bad for them, they missed out on an amazing human being.
It was never all roses though dad,
The anger inside you at what you knew you were becoming.
It was hard to watch.
Even harder to think about now.
The eyes of my father.
Had I known that it was the last time I would have seen them open,
I would have said much more.
There would never be enough time,
But I would have said I love you as many times as I could.
You were so strong for mom and I.
You tried to make sure we were okay, unaware that this was it.
But I saw it in your eyes dad.
I saw the love, I saw the regrets, I saw the good bye.
I just wish I had realized what I was seeing when it happened.
But I know dad.
I know who you were, I know what you meant.
I know how much you loved me.
I know how hard you fought.
Your eyes, a  picture I beg to leave my mind.
But grip as if it is my lifeline.
I felt your hand rub my forehead, as  I lay beside your hospital bed.
I was humming,   the words I’m gonna love you forever and ever.
Forever and ever amen.
Never rang more true.
An old country song,
The words of my heart.
Your eyes in an instant made my worlds view change.
Your eyes are with me in every thought.

It is extremely terrifying to have to start over.
Especially when that is really all you seem to do.
You start over and over, and never really end up getting anywhere.
And then, I guess you die.
How many times have I had everything taken from me?
Out on the streets, turning from the left to the right
Trying to take in my surroundings and find some solid ground.
Sometimes it is there, and sometimes it’s not.
Sometimes it feels like I am trying to escape from quicksand.
Never really getting ahead but never getting any further down.
Just staying in the same spot about to drown at any given minute.
I don’t call this living at all anymore.
It is just surviving and my strength is getting much harder to find.
It is getting harder to breathe, way too harder to smile.
It is getting hard to believe in myself.
Or in the belief that I am capable of anything more than I have already done.
I worry at times that all the happiness and good memories to make have already happened.
That for the rest of my life I will just be continuing this never ending struggle.
Then one day I will just slip down into the dirt.
And I will just be gone.
And no one will remember me for the good I never did.
And no one will remember me for the love they felt for me.

One day, no one will notice but I will just be gone.

When he stayed out late at nights
I cried myself to sleep.
Put on a fake beautiful smile everyday.
While he cheated and lied,
Missing his children's recitals and birthdays.
I put on my fake smile
And covered for his selfish ***.
While he broke me
Destroying my happy ending.
While I pretended he was still the man of my dreams.
He told everyone how low I had fallen,
He made a mockery of me.
While I cried and I begged for my world to stay the same as it was.
He walked away, ignoring my screams and cries.
I clung to his leg begging him not to give us up.
To save his family, to cherish what we had.
He kicked me off him into the dirt
He never even looked back.

Then, when he missed me and was alone.
I took him back and I tried
I tried to rebuild the trust, to regain the love.
But it was too late and it just wouldn't work.
He had blown out the flame that we had.
And there was nothing either of us could get it back.
And when I walked away, he did the unspeakable.
The unforgivable.
The ultimate shot to my heart.
He had my children taken and that was the end of who I was.
He had broken the last piece of me.

I cried for months and months,
Couldn't talk, work laugh.
I was just a body, my soul had vanished
Too broken to carry on.
My heart was shattered.
And I survived by numbing myself and escaping into another world.
Where my babies were not taken from me.
Where I was good enough and where I wasn't broken.

Now I am the broken one,
The less responsible choice for the very beings I lived for.
Now he cuddles my baby every night.
Now, the baby who left and never cared when she cried in the night.
The baby I held every night, the baby I cherished
The baby I would give my life for.
The baby that he never cared about.
He has,
And I am lost.
And once again,
Karma doesn't seem to exist.

Remember Ingrid,
I tell myself.
This story hasn't come to the end.
Don't give up yet
A happy ending may be just around the next corner.

Let me be kinder to myself.
Forgiving, like I am to others.
Let me see beauty in my reflection.
Smile, everything is better with one.
Let me take time for the small things.
Give me the colour I want.
Let me walk near the water,
And sit with a book in my hand.
Let me appreciate myself again.
Let me not value myself by others wrongdoings.
Let me respect myself,
Then I will not do the same to someone else.
Let me have cheesecake.
My self worth is not determined by my body.

Please self, stop fighting yourself.
And let myself finally free.

Maybe I should just write a book.
A tragic love tale, like Romeo and Juliet.
Our story is a little different though.
Where we send each other to our graves,
throwing punches, screaming I love you.
With tears in our eyes,
Betraying our trust, killing our faith.
And with every incident taking a little more of us away.

Maybe we should start a new book.
Throw this one away, a drama would be fine,
As long as at the end of the day,
We had each other,
Instead of begging for the pain to end.
Could we maybe do that?
Do you think?

Maybe if only a miracle would happen then one day,
we could be happy, not end up the worst thing for each other?
And the only thing I need?
Maybe you could take the time to help me heal?
To be the one to hold me close when Im screaming?

I think I would like that story line better.
But I will write our story.
I just wish for a happy ending either way.

To some, this is writing on a page.

To other's it is a form of art.

To me, a look into my soul.

Where I pick up a pen and words flow through my heart.

On to paper.

This ability of mine,

Or, in some eyes lack of,

Helps me be me.

Cleansing of my soul.

After I write,

I am calm.

Rejuvenated.

Able to face more problems,

And identify solutions.

No one told me to do this.

This is something I did myself.

The words found me,

Come in and healed me.

Once again, I set them free.

Someone might read my words and see my talent.

Some may say I am not talented.

To either of these people,

I say "I do not care"

My word formations,

I made them for me.

I made them so I could help myself,

So I could carry on with a brave face,

If you open your mind and read my words,

Open your eye's you are looking into my soul.

If the words help in a time of need.

I smile at myself.

If not I will still do the same.

When I write,

I can mould a language.

I am in control of it all.

So when life spins horribly out of control.

When the words just wont leave my mouth.

I run to my hiding place and immerse myself,

In ink.

Music can change your mind.
The lyrics bringing you warmth in your coldest moments.
The flow of a few words with a chord,
can seem so simple.
The flow can mean so much.
The beat giving your heart a pace,
to keep beating.
When you can find no reason to go on,
Mind bending music,
helping you to see the world through new eyes.
Giving a broken heart,
something to believe in.
A broken soul,
healed with voice of someone they will never meet.
A soundtrack to a life,
A reason to smile.
Turn up the volume and become someone else,
for a while.

The last thing I  want is to not be near you,
I want to spend the rest of my life in your arms.
The hardest part of this is, that you don't want the same,
and it is because of me.
The last thing I want you to be is unhappy,
or lost in a cold and lonely world.
With anxiety, and animosity all because of myself.

I want a happy life,
remember the one with Sunday mornings in the winter,
snuggled up in bed,
holding on to each other.
But that is so far away,
and you can't see how badly I just need you to hold me.

You don't see my pain, or loneliness.
You tell me, oh it is just a month,
stop with the dramatics.
Do you forget the six months prior to that?
Where I waited for your freedom?
Alone, holding onto nothing but my pillow?

See you think he was more than he was to me,
I was lonely, and I was scared and tired.
I tried to make it into something more inside of my head.
Just in case, with your freedom, you chose to not choose me.
It wasn't right, and I have never said I was.

I am broken, I am lost and I am saving you from me.
Every piece of my body, my heart and my soul hurts.
Every little dream I had dreamt for us been replaced with a lonely nightmare.
Every time I think about a life without you loving me,
tears stream down my face.

I wanted you to make the effort, to show me where my importance in your life was


and you ignored me, and you left me.
You showed me exactly how unimportant I am
and how much damage I had caused.


My apologies,  my love.  But this is where I get off now,
Before I destroy anymore of you.

When my daughters are older,
On their own, making their own way.
I hope I have taught them well.
I hope I've shown them how to be strong.
I hope when they look back they know,
I never sacrificed my own happiness,
For someone to hurt and control my life.
I hope they realize that battling yourself,
Just isn't worth it, so love yourself.
I hope they know how beautiful they are.
I hope they walk up the mountain,
Step by step.
That there is an easier way,
But if they're losing themselves its just not worth it.
I hope they never wait by a phone for boy,
I hope they live their life,
Not just search for love to accept them.
I want them to be able to see a bad situation,
Stand tall and do what they have to do.
For them.
I hope the world never steals their beautiful smile.
That it never ever makes them feel worthless.
That it never breaks them so much they feel unlovable, undesirable.
My daughters, those girls who have the most beautiful spirits.
I do not want them to change who they are.
I hope they accept themselves as the masterpieces that they are.
That they never back down from what is right for what is easy.
That everyday they wake up proud of who they are, what they've done and where they're going.
If I break down, give up, let society win.
They will be broken before they step a foot out in the world.
If I can't be the person I wish them to be,
They will fail.
I want them to know,
That the tears will fall, the heart will break.
But they never, ever change who they are.
They learn that the hard times are lessons,
Tests of strength.
And they will survive them all with grace and dignity.
That there is no species in this world that is stronger than a woman with self love.
I choose to be what I want for my daughters.
I choose to be their safety net, their counselor and role model.
I will be the strongest, most beautiful woman in the world.
For them.
So when they stand alone,
Not sure which road to take.
The know how strong, how beautiful and intelligent they are.
They make their decisions proudly.
They know what is right for them.

Here I am, older not wiser
Stuck in the same nothingness.
You're not here, you carry on.
You, who doesn't want my life,
Yet just holds me captive in limbo.

Me, upset, lost, confused, alone.
You, unwilling, carefree, unencumbered.
The tears don't change your behaviour,
The talks are a waste of breath.

My head is spinning like a tornado.
While you put your time elsewhere.
The hurt, the heartbreak, the lies you tell
Leave no effect, no remorse from you.

The clock ticked, you watch the time slip by.
While I held the house on my shoulders.
While I broke, I slipped away.
I hid and cried, my mind has given out.

Never once did you dry my tears.

The night shift,
no rest for the working.
Sitting here,
drinking strong coffee.
My eyes are heavy.
Dreaming of the warmth of my covers.
The cuddles that I'm missing.
The soft pillows.
I'm tired.
Strung out on caffeine.
Waiting, anticipating,
for the time I love.
Where I can drift away.
Close my eyes,
and let my imagination
take me away.
The clock slows,
seconds, seem like hours.
Duty calls.
Retirement seems too far away.

This is not you.
This person you've become.
This is a bad dream that will end.
When will I wake up with you beside me.
With all that's leftover a chill.
A distant memory of this ruined life.
These ruined memories,
Poisoned, tainted.
when will love outweigh the destruction.
This cannot be real,
This cannot be my life now.
You couldn't have done this to yourself.
Let yourself slip into an abyss,
So deep, so cold, so haunted.
You're just breathing,
That's all that's left.
This strong, loving, tender soul.
This soul that would cling to me when he needed to.
This man who protected me,
Saved me from myself.
Is no where around anymore.
No where near me to save me now,
Or let me save you.
You've let yourself die inside and pushed me away.
We both died inside.

I guess one of these days I am going to thank you.
I am not gonna hurt as much as I do right now,
Not gonna want to just give up on people completely.
I won’t sit hear and wish you were here,
I won’t feel so alone without you here.
One day, I am not going to worry about you dying.
Or laying somewhere hurt, losing control.
One of these days, I may not even think about you at all.
There will come a time when the pain won’t be so fresh.
Although I feel that I am never gonna feel secure.
It is not just you and it is not just your fault.
That I feel so repulsive, undesirable only a mere annoyance.
Because for once I just wanted to be beautiful enough,
Smart enough, fun enough.
For once I just wanted to be enough.
If only the damage done before you didn’t destroy me.
Didn’t just leave me here too broken for anyone to handle.  
For now I just don’t think I will ever be good enough,
sane enough, desirable enough, attractive enough, clean enough.
For now I assume I will never be happy enough.
It is funny how only a day or two ago,
we sat in a room with friends.
They said countless times how they wish they had a girlfriend like me.
Isn’t it funny, that you have me and I am the absolute last thing you want.

One day soon I am gonna start moving on,
Someone else will make me smile.
Someone else will make me giggle when they aren’t there,
Just like you did.
One day soon maybe I will understand
Why you hit on every one of my friends in a room,
Why you flirt with every girl you see.
Except for me of course,
I am hoping that after you are gone,
So will the way you can make me feel invisible
In a room, watching you try to be with anyone but me.
Maybe one day I will be able to feel like I am the only one.
The only one that someone wants,
The way I had started to feel about you.
Maybe one day I am gonna be the first thing that you see when in a room.
Maybe one day you will want me back,
You will regret what you said,
Or you will regret what you did.
Or what you didn’t do .

In time, I will move on and I will wish you away.
As hard as I wish you were here trying for me now.

One day I will be okay, or I won’t be
One day you will be okay, or you won’t be.
Maybe tomorrow you will sober up and you will apologize.
You will come here and you will actually try.
maybe I am just holding onto a pipedream,
but don’t worry though I am letting you go.
And the only thing that would change the ending where we part ways is you.
I know that this is far fetched and I am in a fairy tale land.
Right now though, just to not have my self esteem crumble
and to not have my heart break, and to not wish myself into someone else.
I will hold on the to the fairy tale.
And I will hold onto the knowledge that one day,
you will just be a memory.

True love.
When you see the words, you wish for it.
Assuming it would and should be so easy.  
You want it, you want true unconditional, undying love.
The kind of love that never changes, never leaves, or takes a vacation.

The kind of love that is unselfish, never believing a lie.
The kind of love that is never deceitful.
The kind of love that us mere mortals have created an image of in our heads.
As we are so prone to do, always wanting, bigger, better and badder.

We lose sight of the fact that we are far from unconditional beings.
We die, we change, we do selfish things, every last one of us.
We can be deceived, as well as deceive ourselves.
We are mortals, we will be born and we will die.
We will always try to attain the impossible things that we do not need.
We get bigger, not better, we get badder.

If for one second, we continue to let ourselves believe that as humans,
we will never, ever hurt the one we care about.
Or let our mind wander from time to time,
we would be setting ourselves up for failure.
We are humans, we make mistakes daily.
We hurt ourselves, we hurt the ones we love.
No matter what we do these things are certain.

But I know, in my heart and in my head
The only person that I could ever imagine growing old with, is you.
Ever since the moment you came into my life,
I knew you would never not be in it.
You are my soul mate, you are my better half.
You are the one who can make me smile, when I want to crawl into a hole and die.

And I am so very sorry I am just human.
I am so sorry for believing lies about you, or lying to you.
I am sorry for not always being there for you.
Because I love you,
and you deserve someone to always be there for you.
You deserve me to always be there for you.
Because you love me,
and you want me to be there for you.

I promise you this,
until the end of time I will love you.
I will do everything I can to make sure every day you know how amazing you are.
How important you are to me,
and how I never want to wake up without you by my side.

You make me a better person,
and you push me when I need it.
You make me more me than anyone else.
You love me for everything I am,
and everything I am not.
You amaze me,
your love for me amazes me.
Our love for each other is amazing.
You make me want to be stronger, better, more than I am.
I love you, only you.
I never want to not have you in my life.

We have both ****** up.
And those **** human tendencies we were cursed with,
will pop up again.
But I promise you this, and I hope you promise me the same.
I will never leave you,
I will never let anyone else touch me.
I only want your hands on my body,
I only want you inside of me.
I will never intentionally hurt you or deceive you.
I will never again cheat on you,
I will never make you believe you aren’t the best part of my life.
Because you are.

I realize that what we have is true love,
it is the most rare and beautiful love in the world.
I also realize though,
this is the real true love.
Not the one that doesn’t exist.
The one that has been forced down our throats for years
by fake stories, watching fake people live story book lives.
That love isn’t real.
They aren’t real.
Our love is real.
We are real.

We are as real as real can be.
And so is our love.

Our love is the kind of love that has waited for each other.
Our love is the kind of love that never has faltered, never lessened.
Our love is the kind of love that has kept us going, has made us better people.
We would die for each other, we live for each other.
We breathe each other in, we are the mirror image of each other.

You touch me, and my temperature instantly rises.
I crave your lips on my skin.
Our senses heighten at the sight of each other,
and we fit so perfectly together,
it is too ****** clear to see we were made for each other.

You are my best friend,
you are my soldier.
I am your best friend,
I am your allie.
I will ride out with you as your lover and friend until the day I die.
I will always stand tall when you need me to and I will always hold you down.

You will never ever have to wonder if I have your back,
just know this already.
We are not a fairy tale, we are not make believe.
We are real.
We are the most amazing love story I have ever known.

The thought of our unique and real love story makes me smile,
No matter how dark the day.
I love you.
I love every single part of you.
I love the thought of you.

I love this poem I just wrote because I wrote it for you.
To explain my love, to explain our love.
To tell you that I will never ever not be your girl.
I will mail this to you,
and you will read it while in jail.
Because we are real and we are bad ***.
We are the only thing either of us knows for sure.

I love you baby, and no matter how bad this road gets,
I will ride out for you.
I will never stop trying to be a better person for myself, and for you.
I will always miss you when you are not beside me.
And no one will ever take your place.
You are irreplaceable.
Your love is irreplaceable.

You and I,
will always have the most real, most profound, most beautiful love story I have ever known.

You and I,
Until the end of time.