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Ingrid Ohls Jun 2017
I guess it is over before it really had a chance to begin.
Maybe that is for the best in the long run.
Maybe you leaving if a gift for me.
So I don’t have to hurt when you would leave me later on.
Cause you would leave me later on,
No one ever stays.
Maybe this feeling in the pit of my stomach will stop soon.
This water always sitting behind my eyes will dry up.
And thoughts of you that seem to dance through my mind,
All day and all night long will finally stop.
Maybe you are not thinking of me now at all.
Perhaps you have totally forgotten about me by now.
Maybe you get my letter, and feel nothing but pity for me.
I could possibly be just another silly girl,
That you put under a spell,
Making me feel like such a special gift to you.
One that you cared and never wanted to be without.

All of those times I would be staring out the window.
And I would look over to the driver side,
To see you looking away from me quickly.
Maybe you had been staring at me,
Thinking I am beautiful, thinking you were lucky.
Maybe you  did and maybe you didn’t.
Emotions change memories,
Times certainly does too.
Defense mechanisms protect damaged hearts and souls.
So you and I will remember us,
The way were drawn to each other like magnets.
The way our lips would find each other,
And calm the chaos of the world.
The way you helped me search my soul,
To show the world me again.
The way once we would be away from each other.
We would just want one another beside each other again.
Text messages, little calls, excuses to see each other.

Feeling content, driving with the windows down,
We were free.
We were sitting there smiling at one another.
You pulling me in close, kissing my forehead.
Scenes from your favourite love story,
Ours.
Ingrid Ohls Feb 2016
When you look in the mirror,
And it's not quite right.
When you can see a rib or two,
But still see the fat.
The muscle is still there,
And you think it should go too.
When you look at your face,
And it doesn't look nice.
Where you tried to find some good.
But it's lacking.
Obsessive compulsive,  critical of one's self.
Body dismorphic disorder.
Look at your skin,  do research
A week has passed before you know it.
And all you have done is tried everything know to man to fix your misgivings.
Try to relax yourself,  weigh in.
Cut out carbs, sugar, high fat foods.
Spending hundreds on vitamins and supplements.
Still unacceptable.

Stare at your hair,
Brush it, hair mask, treatment after treatment.
He looks on, knows something is up.
You have spent years rehearsing how to hide the anxiety.
Amazing acting.
Sometimes, you want to say what you really feel.
How exhausted you are from obsessing about the things you hate.
Smallest thing in the world, no one would even notice this...
Taking your thumb, wrapping it around your wrist
Seeing how many fingers touch.
Sending yourself over the edge into a six month spree of exhausting tactics to fix the horrendous imperfections.
Or sometimes, a calm wave settling your mind.
Never for long, but you will love every minute of the normalcy.

Then
You stand in the mirror
Notice all the flaws again
And the sheer panic races from your mind through your entire body.
And once again
That part in your brain that is different from most
Speaks to you
Till its the only thing you hear.

You're disgusting
Fix yourself by any means, you are worthless in this current state
Fix this mess of complete garbage
Or die trying
Ingrid Ohls Jan 2017
Here I am, trying to play it cool.
Fooling no one, especially not you.
I can't pretend I don't like everything about you right now.
But I also can't pretend I am not scared as hell to show you who I am.
Your eyes are amazingly haunting,
And your smile shows a good nature.

But I also will never feel good enough,
Ill never feel as if I am the one who is wanted by anyone.
I like you, but that scares me so much right now.
Cause I fear that my issues will end us before we begin.
Ingrid Ohls May 2013
My old friend,
My one that got away.
My number one fan.
My one thing certain.
Why?
Why did you do it?
Steal this from me,
I want to scream to whereever you are.
All of the things I should have.
Ive never felt so guilty,
If I had more time,
I wanted time with you.
I wanted a hug, to hear your voice.
It's gone now.
We had this amazing bond.
You loved me unconditionally I know.
Why, why didn't I show you it back enough.
I am so scared to never have you in my life again.
I am awake hoping you know.
I haven't slept in days.
Every song reminds me of you
And I break down.
You didnt have to do it you know.
I wish you would have showed up at my door.
I beg to let this be a nightmare.
Please, please have your face shaking me awake.
Please let me see your grin and hear your voice.
Please fill this emptiness I have had since they told me.
Please.
You couldn't have ended your life.
You couldn't have stolen your amazing self from the world.
I knew you as one of my first loves,
I knew you as a best friend.
I knew you as a passionate secret.
I loved it all.
Ingrid Ohls May 2013
My old friend,
My one that got away.
My number one fan.
My one thing certain.
Why?
Why did you do it?
Steal this from me,
I want to scream to whereever you are.
All of the things I should have.
Ive never felt so guilty,
If I had more time,
I wanted time with you.
I wanted a hug, to hear your voice.
It's gone now.
We had this amazing bond.
You loved me unconditionally I know.
Why, why didn't I show you it back enough.
I am so scared to never have you in my life again.
I am awake hoping you know.
I haven't slept in days.
Every song reminds me of you
And I break down.
You didnt have to do it you know.
I wish you would have showed up at my door.
I beg to let this be a nightmare.
Please, please have your face shaking me awake.
Please let me see your grin and hear your voice.
Please fill this emptiness I have had since they told me.
Please.
You couldn't have ended your life.
You couldn't have stolen your amazing self from the world.
I knew you as one of my first loves,
I knew you as a best friend.
I knew you as a passionate secret.
I loved it all.
Ingrid Ohls Mar 2011
Here we are my friend,
After so many tears and so many fights,
We are still each others strength.
You are my soul, you are my good sense.
Without you I would still be a lost little girl.
Lost in a big world.

Through the drugs, the boys, the good times, the bad.
Here we are.
Though miles may seperate us now,
You are the only thing that I know like the back of my hand.
You are the only one who will ever truly know me and love me just the same.
My true love is beside me, yes.
But you, you my friend are my soul mate.
In you I can always find that unconditional, completely honest love,
That only a best friend can give.
Ingrid Ohls Jun 2016
I find I can be such a silly little girl at times.
Don't you agree my love?
I mean I cry all the time,
much like a child, craving attention, spoiled.
I mean, what reason does this princess really have,
for spending nights crying away?

So stupid of me, quite honestly...
I mean, you are never here, when you are,
you are asleep,
or on the phone,
or fighting with me,
or we are having ***,
or you are laughing with other people,
while I selfishly sit anxiously out of control,
constantly on the brink it seems,
to have an attention seeking, time wasting panic attack.

And honestly, the way I cause a scene,
as I get head butted, punched in the face
by a full grown man.
It is truly unbecoming, yes I do agree.
I mean, the misssing hair too,
from being pulled out,
should just grow back already.
Like, honestly what is wrong with me?
Why do you put up with me in such a state?

And my dear, leaving someone elses home,
leaving me there, day after day.
Like really, what more could I ask for?
Like honestly when I broke, and would
be in a manic depressive and and anxious all the time.
I left you.
So really I should be fine with being alone constantly.

I mean, you were there for me to support me through so much,
the honest to goodness truth right there.
And when my heart was ripped right out of my chest,
and I was told that my children were to be away from me.
Like honestly, I was such a goofy ***** to you.

While I had heartbreak, and grief and resentment
and I lost so much.
I was really quite stupid, not knowing how to process it.
Not knowing how to release my feelings and fears.
I ruined you at the darkest days of mine.

And I shouldn't be upset at you leaving me,
coming and bringing your new little chick right in.
Insulting me, and yelling at me, hurting me.
I mean I broke up with you all the time,
when I was having a depressive episode.

Or was questioning if I could get over the first time still,
when I broke up with you.
And that night you had someone else to ****.
Or was wondering if someone could truly love someone.
Yet , have them waiting sobbing hurt and apologizing
for how my depression hurt you.
While you we across the street ******* someone with the perfect
view of our truck.
I broke up with you,
when you didn't come home, or didn't tell me you were leaving.
Or didn't come to court,
Or make sure I got there, while you had our car.
When you left my dog alone all day in a small room.
Came home at 6pm, then asked me to drive you around,
while you told me how I have been so horrible.
Silly girl, I am such an evil human being in your eyes.
I do honestly deserve to be knocked out don't I?

And slutty and disloyal,
should be my middle names.
I mean any other girl in the universe could pull off,
bailing you out of jail when you were arrested in a hotel room,
with your new **** piece.
There isn't another soul in the world,
that wouldn't even question sending you almost every thing she had,
wouldn't  keep putting money on a line that I answered
and talked to you on for hours everyday.
For you to get angry and yell at me for not doing
all the things you needed done.
While I was homeless, broke at times.
It is also truly disgusting, that I couldn't keep my legs closed.
I mean I should always feel wanted by you.
I am stupid to feel insecure, why would I?

I can be such an idiot at times.
Hurting like I do,
crying when you leave me,
so I know I will be alone for the next 16 hours or so.
While you hang out and go places
that you won't take me.
Cause I am just a miserable ***** when you do.
When I am upset at you leaving me in a car for an hour,
while you sit and chat with an female enemy of mine.
Respect? I'm an idiot if I don't feel respected,
honestly I shake my head at me.
What a joke.

I need to just stop it with this stupid depression
and PTSD thing.
I am lying when I say I can't, just stop is all I have to do.
I am a pathological liar.

And why would my goofy *** hate myself?
With so many insults going around,
With being a failure like I am,
fighting so many battles
and losing them all while I gave it my all.
is just the silliest.

I mean I should feel loved,
when I am sobbing asking you to hold me.
And get hit,
When I am begging you to love me.
And you throw garbage at me
walking away
or I take a well deserved punch or two.
I should feel special while you speak to a bunch of other girls.
and you tell me of the horrible things being said about me.
And when I ask for you to come home,
I should not expect anyone to wanna be around my crybaby self.
If I would just stop it and be happy
then you wouldn't have to  talk to me like that.

If my stubborn, fat head would only just accept that you want me.
While I cry alone all the time,
sitting with no one to talk to
nothing to do.
You are making us money,
so I just need to stop with my nervous breakdown.
It past the point of too much.

I just need to stop hurting, stop the insecurities
stop the panic attacks and just stop hurting and get over the grief.
If could only stop being a ***** with her head in a vortex.
With bad memories, insults and pain 24/7.
Treating you like ****,
stop getting ****** and asking you to want to be near me.
To hold me and love cause I hate myself right now.
Than maybe you wouldn't just be annoyed by tortuous pain in my heart.
Maybe if I could stop going crazy
cause I can just stop it if I wanted to.
I would never be the cause of you to be so angry
that you lash out at me.
Tell me I am the ******* I keep saying I am.

Silly girl, just stop the pain,
Stop expecting him to care,
Stop assuming stupid things like you not loving me..

Maybe I would be worthy of your love,
Instead of your punches.
If I would just end my life myself.

You could be the loving, grieving man of a silly girl who just wouldn't get her head out of the clouds.
Ingrid Ohls Jun 2010
The confusion in my mind dissipates

And finally, my life seems to make sense.

The wrong decisions are not made in vain,

I can now see the beauty that this world has to offer me.

The love in my life over ruling the hatred of others,

Calms my soul and allows me to smile.

I love to smile and did not know how much I missed it.

But still I miss you, I hold you so dear in my heart.

I miss your smile and your voice.

I miss the sweetness that radiated out of your heart.

I miss you every minute of every day.

I visit you,

I cry at your grave,

I can feel your hand guiding me through this,

And that is why I smile...

You are still with me,

You will always be with me.

But I wish I could hug you and laugh with you still.

Now, you are the most amazing angel smiling down.

You are my angel.

I will never forget or stop loving you.
For my Grandma,
Ingrid Ohls Jun 2017
He is a true bad boy, and he has a motorcycle.
He just got out of jail,
He is the boy I warned my best friend about.
I never saw it coming, never thought it possible.
That he could have me questioning,
Everything I thought I knew.

That boy swept me off my feet,
and he held me close.
His kisses were gentle,
His touch sent shivers through me.
How did I miss how special he was.
How special we were?

He defended me,
He didn't talk **** behind my back.
He told me I was special,
and I believed him.
Other boys would tell me,
and I knew it was just a line.

He would touch me,
and rub his fingers
along the inside of my thigh.
He would look me in the eye,
to show me his soul.
He understood my pain,
I didn't need to explain,
why I hurt.  

He was just there,
He held me close,
He kissed my forehead
He wiped my tears.
Then just as fast as he turned my world upside down
Faster than he stole my heart,
They took him.

I was left with a memory.
There he was,
sitting on the curb,
apologizing to me.
As I tried not to cry.
Knowing I needed him,
to touch him,
to kiss him.

We were in the same place,
handcuffed and kept apart,
Now, he is just this empty feeling in my stomach
A yearning for a phone call.
He is just a memory,
for now, for always.

I am his brand new ride or die.
No amount of officers,
or cuffs or bars.
Or friends telling me he is no good,
will change my mind.
Or erase my memories.
Ingrid Ohls Sep 2015
I am the kind heart,
the one who hurts if anyone else is in pain.
The one who hardly gets anything in return,
for the entirety of her heart and soul she gave.

The one who, people seem to pass over.
Yet is always there for everyone else.
The one who has chosen to just let it all go.
Who lost her reason to fight.

Who lost her reason to live.
Lost everything inside of her heart.\
And her mind goes to quickly that it stalls
and the pain floods through her body.
its paralyzing and unforgiving.

Its too ****** much to even begin to think about
when you dont wanna go forward.
when you want to close your eyes and never wake up again

when you're not you
When  your worst nightmares come true
Then, even worse when the nightmares of your children are a reality
when the only reason you ever kept going
is gone

what is there to live for
what is there to believe in

it's all gone.
andrew hung himself in his closet

brenton 3 am, may 24

the ****** train killed my best friend.

dad tried to light a smoke

he burned his face bad

mom called me to help

i called 911

dad died.

friends left.

husband cheated.

lost your job on stress leave.

took him back.

got beat up

he cheated again

you lost another home

your sister calls the cops.... lies about you

they want jail time.

your mother hates you

your family doesn't give a flying ****

not even a distant cousin

your a useless joke

cause you just cared

you dont have much at all

and you seem to **** that up pretty good too

you left him to be happy?

we took your children

gave them to mom that hates you

who lets them near the sister who is ruining you

and ignores you.

we took your reason to live

so please just go die in a hole somewhere

and never harass the liars

what do you have

what does it matter

i am nothing

i am no one

i lost my everything

cause he was too angry

the one time i quit being able to forgive
Ingrid Ohls Jul 2016
Making lunches, and doing dish after dish.
Folding little pieces of laundry after successfully fighting the stains.
Sweeping, and mopping, picking up tiny toys over and over and over again.

Wiping little handprints off of glass and off of walls.
Making beds, and scaring monsters away.
Bedtime stories, and midnight snuggles.
Waking up early, making breakfast.

Feeling complete, feeling whole again.
Feeling what it feels like to mean the world to someone.
Knowing that you have no choice but to carry on,
Cause this little person depends solely on you to be okay.
So that makes it so easy, you can smile with no falsehoods behind it at all.
Because to know the feel of little arms wrapped around you,
and to hear "Momma, I love you as much as you love me"
Is the best feeling in the world, it is the instant recharge of your soul.

It's this I miss, It's this I need.
It's not having these things that makes it hard to carry on.
Ingrid Ohls Jul 2016
When life gets really difficult, and every obstacle in the world is in your way.
And you realize how much you have to depend on you and only you, it's really hard to see any self worth.
So we hold on to whatever we can,
and we try to be someone that matters to people.
People who are just as lost and broken.
Then, we are sad when they hurt us,
even if we hurt them too.
We are angry at them for not fixing us and we resent them.
But when it is it's absolute darkest in our lives,
and there is nothing really to give you hope,
or give you a reason to keep fighting for yourself.
You have to look within, you have to know what you want,
and you have to make a choice,
to lay down or stand up.
Really the only choice is to stand up.
In this moment, is when you regain your self worth,
you take a stand and you say to yourself that you deserve more than feeling alone, you deserve more than questioning if you are loved.
You deserve more than being hurt and hiding away from the world. You deserve more than waiting for someone to love you for you again...
And you choose to love yourself again,
and not let anyone treat you as if they can hurt you,
or walk in and out of your life as they choose.
Then all of a sudden,
the dark isn't nearly as dark
and the taller you stand the brighter it gets.
You choose how you are treated,
you choose to be ignored,
and forgotten.
When you finally choose to not settle for a life or person or situation that is anything but magical,
that's when the magic begins...
Ingrid Ohls Apr 2013
There's you, and him.
There's years of mixed emotions.
Passion, lust, love, anger.
Nights of no sleep,
Under the duvet.
Anywhere we could.
The devotion, the idolation.
The spiral out of control.
The downfall of an empire.
The screams, tears and heartache.
The most destitute feeling.
There's Him.
I wake up to sweet compliments.
I feel wanted,  
I feel like someone has patiently waited.
Waiting for the right time.
Just when I needed him.
Nothing is set in stone,
It's just so new.
Your arms for a very long time,
We're the only ones.
But they're gone now.
With him I feel safe.
And so afraid.
Of us ending,
Of a new us beginning.
Of me losing both.
I dont know whether to fight and stay,
Or be swept on a new happy journey,
Or more pain.
I am scared of letting go.
I an desperate to move on and forget
I'm desperate for a miracle.
This is a little older one now
Ingrid Ohls Jun 2017
There is boy that is stealing my heart.
More and more everytime I hear his voice,
I turn into a teenage girl.
This boy has eyes that stop my heart.
And his face is one of the nicest I have ever seen.
This boy makes me laugh, and smile
He makes me smile even after he leaves.

But this boy that makes my heart melt,
and makes my mind wander in fairy tales.
Hopeful possibilities that end with him and me.
This boy could be the prince of my story.
But maybe I am so ****** scared of any love story.
I am terrified of any possibility of any idea with him in it.
Cause this boy is much more broken than I am.
He lives in a much darker place than even I am used to.

He knows rejection, failure, heartache,
and he knows what it feels like to never be good enough.
He knows what it is like to be a disappointment.
We are no different him and I.
We have both given up almost entirely.
We are damaged, a million little pieces clinging onto
Memories, waiting for a life that is gone.
To maybe come along again.

He scares me, cause I care about him.
He scares me cause I can see he is just as fragile as me.
He scares me, cause he can leave me.
And he will leave with my heart.
Ingrid Ohls May 2014
I can’t breathe,
My chest feels like it is caving in  and I just can’t push any further.
I can’t think of anything else.
My stomach turns quicker than anything I have ever known.
My eyes, sting from the tears, which just keep flowing,
Endlessly.
Unforgivingly.

I want to run to him,
I want to run so far away from him.
Never ever stopping until I forgiven for all my faults.
And my mind gives me grace and forgets his memory.
I want crawl into a ball on the floor,
Sobbing, never to stop.

I want to scream, and my body wants to explode.
It is completely unable of holding this pain inside.
I want to be beautiful enough,
I want to be strong enough.
I want to have the perfect ***.
I want the body he wants to touch.
I want the mind he wants, instead of this one.
So damaged from all the hurt.
That it never seems to cease.
I want his love.
I want his support.

I want him to fight for me like I did for him for years.
I want to be worth something,
Instead of being this piece of ****** garbage.
I want to wake up and be in his arms.

I want to never wake up again.
The mornings for the rest of my life are going to be a rude awakening.
To know, I had it all.
I had my dream,
And its gone.
To know the arms I sob for,
Are holding someone else,
The voice I want to hear, that can’t stand the sound of mine.
Whisper the words I love you to someone else.

But it can’t be that I was nothing…
How is it that just a few days ago, I had him inside of me.
I had him hold me and kiss me.
Consuming all of my senses, complete passion and love.
I had him lay beside me,
I whispered in his ear that I loved him.
Did he say it back?
He couldn’t have meant it.

I fought for years for him,
I watched him stop believing in himself and his worth and I told him he was priceless.
I hugged him when he cried, I yelled when he didn’t see his worth.
I fought when he was losing himself.

I am alone,
I am too hurt to think.
I am terrified and am too ******* in love to think I will ever be okay again.
I am nothing to my everything.
I am a piece of ******* garbage,
I am useless and worthless to my world.
My dream come true,
I wish I never had it,
I wish I didn’t know what I lost.
I wish I didn’t know it was me, who wasn’t enough to have my dream come true.
I wish he loved me as much I loved him.
I wish my pain was the reason he fought harder for me.
I wish he could see he was the one who could fix it.
If only he had.

If only he had loved me enough to let everything lesser go,
Instead of keeping it close by for when my pain was too much for him to be near.
If only he had loved me enough to see I needed him to be strong for me.
If only he had wanted to help me stand.

To know that someone so special to has someone else they would rather be near,
Is not even heartbreaking.
Heartbreaking does not describe how I feel.

I can’t think.
I can’t breathe.
Every step feels like a thousand going up the side of a mountain.
The thought of faking a smile makes me want to jump off a cliff.
The sound of music is like knives inside my head.
The emptiness in my body consuming me,
Slowly but efficiently taking the little jagged pieces of who I was and destroying them.

I will never feel loved again,
I will never know what it is like to be complete again.
I fought, and I tried
I fought for me to be enough.
I fought for him to notice who I was
I fought for our life and how it was.
I was left beaten and bleeding,
I was left alone,
I was left to be forgotten, and laughed at.
To be made a mocker, a nut case,
A woman who gave her everything to a man.
A woman so lowly and pathetic and utterly unlovable.
That when he stands before her,
With his eyes showing his disgust,
He says to me,
Look at you, what is wrong with you?
I say you did it, and he walks away.
He doesn’t want me, he doesn’t care if he loses me forever.
He doesn’t want me.
I am nothing
He doesn’t love me, and he never did

All the years were a lie, all the tears I have cried were for nothing.
The consuming pain that makes it unable for me function,
Just makes me that much more pathetic.

He loves someone so wrong,
But at least its better than the waste of a life I am.

You, with her,
Me with the kids, who lost us both.
I am no mother now, I am nothing
I am not who I was
I gave it all away to try for him

How do I keep going in a world,
Where he hates me and I lost it all.
I just wanted love.
Ingrid Ohls May 2013
Is it a love story, or just a tragedy?
Is the tragedy how completely incompetent you are?
How sad a story for someone to be so broken,
that they are no longer a person.
A person would never hurt another like that.
A true human being would never treat someone like that.
I am mean, because you are cruel.
I am finished, because you were too weak and gave up too many times.
Do not blame me for your mistakes,
do not blame me for walking.
Too much of a coward to read what you have done.

Giving up your humanity was your choice,

it was never mine.
My choice is to let you, the heartless soul that I tried to help so many times.
Who left me alone, left me and ignored me at every turn.
My choice is to live while you die.
My choice is to smile,
You just want me to remain in the hell you created for me.
While you smile,
I refuse to give anymore of myself for someone
who never once saw my life for how horrendous you have made it.
Never tried to fix it
Never gave up the things that broke it.

You were my everything,
and you took yourself away and made yourself nothing.
You ignored everything and expected me to ruin myself,
while you carried on.
I am done,
I am finished.
You are not who I loved in the first place,
you are no longer you.
I am not holding onto to who you were,
when you never would.
Ingrid Ohls Oct 2017
Please just know that I wish things weren’t the way the are.
Actually, this may be my biggest issue in all honesty.
I unknowingly hide away
Keeping myself trapped in my head,
The events that changed my life and who I am
Are playing on repeat in my mind.
All I can do is sit in my head and scream.
I try to change things,
No matter how loud I am,
No matter how much will power or strength,
No matter how many sleepless nights I have.
No matter if I have cried an ocean of tears.
What happened is there still.
­Just as it happened the very first time.
Just as it happens everytime.
There is nothing that changes,
Nothing I do now changes any of it.
That in itself is why I am who you see now.
Just stuck in the past,
Trying to fix the things I never could.
They say that the definition of insanity,
Is to do the same thing over and over,
Expecting different results.
If this is the case than I am afraid  I am insane
I have been since 4 years ago this May.
The regret remains as the guilt eats away at my heart.
The anger still grips my soul.
I am just here stuck in my head.
Just stuck on repeat.  
I just sitting here,
Trying to change what has already happened.
Waiting for a miracle to free me from my own head.
I need something to come and heal my soul.
Ingrid Ohls Aug 2013
Dad, I hope you're not in your head,
Hating who you are.
It was an accident, I would still try to.
I hope you have peace, quiet for now.
The heartache that surronded your life.
Easing up, floating away until you feel none.
I don't want you to see yourself right now.
I don't want you to think that all you are was a chronic illness, a brokedown body.
That flames have now kissed.
Know that your intelligence still intimidates me.
Your humour quick, smart.
Even as I watched your body attack itself.
Slowly taking your life away.
As your anger and hate for what your body did to you.
Became all consuming, I still know who you are.
You are the amazing cook, terrible math tutor, lunch at home, you were my picture of strength.
You were the one when I was little to cuddle me.
You were the very proud man, who in a few calls could get it done
Dad,  I can still see your face.
I can still see the fright, the knowledge.
The forfeit.
I want you to know I loved you.
I want you to know I respect you more then any other person in this world.
I was with till the end,
and I know you will be with me.
I almost am excited for it to be my time.
To feel those arms that were so strong when I was little hug me once more.
To hear you say, welcome partner, we are home.
Until then, watch me close and yell at me loud enough for me to hear.
Help me with my choices, get me through this tough life.
I wrote this one morning, when I was sitting beside my father's bedside in a hospital. I had it as a draft and just saw it, I don't remember writing it. I wrote the last two or three lines tonight to finish it.
Ingrid Ohls Dec 2012
Is it so hard to remember my love,
How you felt?
How you would smell my hair and let out a sigh beside me.
How you would make me feel the way no one ever has,
No one will.
Do you remember smiling, by just looking at me?
Do you remember the inside jokes,
The sleep ins, the late nights.
Do you remember candy land?
How Maddy would always win?
And how terrible a loser she was.
Do you remember coming home 8 years ago,
After that week apart?
Where you fell on the floor,
Came to me and just grabbed me as if you'd never let me go again?
How we didn't have money, but we had each other.
And that was always enough?
Where did you go?
Come back here,
Please one day fall through the door and kiss the floor and be thankful I still love you.
Ingrid Ohls Feb 2016
There's a blank slate sleeping beside me.
With little hands, little feet,
A gigantic imagination.
She sleeps so soundly now,
Finally gives in to fatigue.
She is stubborn, hilarious, full of love
A heart of gold
I see this little girl sleeping,
I actually have the knowledge,
That she will move mountains.
Not that long ago tonight,
I was here nagging, "shhh"
"Are you crazy don't do that!"
This sleeping angel of mine.
She tells it how she see's it
She makes no excuses.
Ideas like riding a bean bag chair down stairs.
Jumping as high and as far as she can
She is never still awake
She always has something to say.
I quite frequently beg for her to calm down
Stop running around me,
To please, please, please for one minute.
I just need quiet.
She has a heart bigger than the biggest man.
The kind of person,
Who would get a Kleenex for a stranger crying.
Her hugs are like a minutes of pure bliss
The best part of my day is when a little voice says,
"Mommy I love you as much as you love me"
And I try to tell her, that she loves me more than anything in a hundred universes.
She agrees so proud.
I am too.
Seeing this innocence, this love for everyone.
Makes me more than proud.
I'm so incredibly grateful for having known her.
Let alone, I get to be her mother.
She's loud, hyper, crazy.

I'm exhausted,
From relation


M
Ingrid Ohls Mar 2013
Honesty
Reassurance
Calm
Love
Lust
Passion
Laughs
Cuddles
Attenti­on
Time
Devotion
Fun
Is that really too much to ask for?
Ingrid Ohls Jan 2017
I am not gonna write you again
I am not gonna cry
I am not gonna think of you
Because you won't be thinking of me.
How you just dropped me like a bad habit
Makes me feel like trash
Once again a gentle reminder of everything I have been told
Once again i was not worth honesty loyalty or respect
Never was i worth care
Or understanding of what I had just survived
I was stupid to think someone would care.
Ingrid Ohls Apr 2013
It doesn't seem fair does it?
So much emotion centered at another soul.
There is the passion, the completly overwhelming want to feel every inch of your body.
The unmistaken need of having you as close as humanly possible.
Your lips meet mine, and there is nothing that can overtake me that quickly.
Even your breath on the back of my neck is enough for me to,  for a moment or two forget the pain.
Forget how I spend most of the day.
We ended up in pergatory together.
As close as two can be, and never so torn as we are.
I'm so broken by your choices, pulled together again by the arms that tore out my heart.
We scream, spew hatred, cry, throw knives to see who can hurt who more.
Only to reach out for the other to save us everytime
To be true loves and each others poison.
It's truly terrifying.
Imagine you not here with me.
Imagine us spending the rest of our lives in this crazy chaos.
Lying in your arms is where I should be,
But the ghosts,
They can sure haunt a damaged soul.
Two people that have been broken into a million pieces.
The love, that undying unconditional truth that we cannot deny.
Why do we try my love?
Why is the anger so immense?
I wish we never even had to hear the word addiction.
I close my eyes, go back in time.
Before our life was unhinged.
I can feel that feeling,  feel the happiness run through my body.
Like a shockwave.
The lightning will strike again,
Reality will bring it all back.
Bring back the stranger who I remain chained to.
You, my disease
My cure.
Please save yourself.
To save me.
To save the perfect moment I forget how a white powder erased me from your mind.
Ingrid Ohls Nov 2012
I guess this is it, the breaking point.
The time I thought would never actually arrive.
I thought it would work out, I thought you would care.
Care enough about me, enough about yourself.
Love is a funny thing, I can't stay because of my love.
Leaving is the only thing left, you aren't here anymore.
My heart wants to jump out of its chest.
I want to scream, I want to shake you and show you what magic you're stealing from our lives.
The laughs as a family, the time and the hugs.
Our kisses, our late nights.
The things that mean so much to me, seem to mean nothing to you.
I have wanted you to grab me, hold me scream how much you love me.
I wanted you to do anything for me.
To take charge and take me, to fix our family.
Your desire for me, is gone.
Your will to fight for me is obsolete.
So I'm left walking away, wishing for a miracle.
For a change of heart, for you to scream don't leave.
That you don't makes this more painful, makes this so hard to take.
Yet, it also shows me I'm making the right decision.
Twenty years from now, I will still love you.
But I won't have to regret living a life of hurt.
I wanted this love, I wanted this life, the way it was.
I wished and prayed and begged and yelled.
None of those things will change that you don't love me.
Nothing hurts me more walking away, loving you so completely.
Knowing you don't feel the same way.
I wish I could turn back the time to where you held me close and I could feel nothing but your unconditional love for me.
How did you just stop loving me, our love was so strong.
I'm dying inside, I've lost one of the biggest parts of my life.
I've lost the family I dreamed about.
Ingrid Ohls Jul 2016
It's when you're just sitting, Doing  nothing at all,
It hits you out of nowhere..

How?

How did we get here?
How did we end up so ****** up?
How are we each other's enemies?
How did we get so far from where we were?
How did we get so far off track?
How can we ever fix this mess we have made?
Can I forgive and forget?
Can you forgive and forget?
Can we even be fixed?

How can you be okay, knowing you betrayed me?
Knowing how it felt!

And then bringing that betrayal around me?
How did you do that?

I don't justify what I did.
There is no way to do that.
I carry the guilt of my actions every day.

I do know without a doubt, that if you had been waiting for me close by.
I would have been coming home to you.
I'd always choose you.

I don't understand the eye for an eye attitude
Maybe that's where we differ
I don't want you to hurt just you hurt me

I didn't sit here and give lectures on truth and honesty and loyalty.
Only for it to come out now that you were lying to my face in those instances.

So, I have to ask
Were the "I love you's" lies as well?
Are all the times you don't hold me,
And all the insults the truth?
Right now I can't decipher between the two.

Anger, resentment, anxiety, loneliness, ignored, neglected and rejected.
Seems to be all we feel right now.
Can it ever be better?

Or are we just going to continue on our path of destruction?
It's like living in a never ending hurricane.
Or are we just going to continue on with life that is so different
From the one I dreamed we'd have?
I don't want to hurt
I don't want to cause pain
I don't want to cheat?
Or be cheated on.

The kind of relationship I want is to know that the love of my life
Loves me.
Only wants me.
Would never think to betray me.
For any reason.

I want to think this is possible
I want to believe in love
It doesn't seem you would think like me.

So where do we go now?
What am I supposed to think?
When once again, I wasn't your chosen one.
Ingrid Ohls Jun 2010
Who knows where we go when we die?
Does the past linger for them too?
Do they really watch over us,
Or is there such a utopia that surronds them,
That they forget us, and really leave us all together?
I do not believe this, yet have no idea what happens.
Who would they go and see?
I would want to be so many places,
All at once.
Try to make myself a part of everyone's day,
I would like to break myself into a million pieces.
Make myself into inanimate objects of everyone's day.
And, everytime they used that object,
they.... not knowing why were reminded of me.
A colour even, A fictional character,
When I die,
I want to be ink on paper,
Shades of pink lipstick,
I want to be an invented imaginary place that only two people really know exists.
I want to be a kiss,
a hug,
A hand on someone's shoulder.
A tear that magically disappears as it runs down a cheek.
A quiet warm feeling that makes you feel so safe.
I want to be everything, anything.
A memory that will never fade from one's mind.
Ingrid Ohls Feb 2017
I hurt you, something I never wanted to do.
I ruined us it seems,  before we even truly began.
We sit here now in silence and I am completely lost for words.
What I want is to have my smiling, caring adorable guy back.
But instead you just seem angry, so over all my ****.

I want you beside me on this couch.
I feel I don't even have the right to ask you though.
I want to stop the clocks and time.
I don't want you to go.
Ingrid Ohls Mar 2011
So, if I said to you just leave...
You won't.
I say you are ruining me,
You're not.
I would have to disagree,

Slowly, over the years I have become stronger.
Still too weak to give up.
Too proud to say that I, myself had failed.
It's not me at all.
I survived, I conquered.
You failed your battles.
I suffer.

I have fought, and fought,
battled my own demons and won.
Stared my fears in the face,
and shot them down.
Yet, here you stand,
You weak, weak man.
Not even admitting,
that you cannot.

You lie,
to the honest.
You break,
all that's good.
You take,
my happiness'
You rip
me open.
You,
are the worst part of me.
Ingrid Ohls Aug 2016
The thing about us I like is,
We never really let each other go.
No matter who we meet, or who we date.
We remain the same, special beings to one another.
Somewhat like a magnet, or a divine energy,
persistently re-connecting us to one another.

We wait...
For the unknown future which we both know exists for us.
We are not, never have been or will be  each others fall back plan.
We are waiting, until we are healed enough.
To be totally perfect for each other.

They always tell me, I light up around you.
They tell me that you do  the same.
We are each other's happy place.
Time, mistakes, other people can not change that.
Nothing ever will.

There are times when I look into your eyes,
and my heart just stops.
My jaw feels as if it has fallen to the floor.
We stand there,
both of us totally lost in each other.
It's these moments where words evade me.
My breath escapes my lungs,  and there is just peace.
We both find that peace in each others eyes.
We both find happiness in each others company.

We both know it is love.
We both know we are each other's future.
We still wait.

We won't say "I love you"
We don't let the world know any little detail of us at all.
We wait for the perfect moment,
When our two lives,
are one, once again.

No matter how much time passes,
you still are in my heart,
you still have the ability to change me.
Ingrid Ohls Jun 2017
You stood up for me.
When I sad you were there.
You didn't let me cry alone.
You told me the perfect thing,
your lips on my neck
felt like magic.

You made sure people respected me.
You wanted nothing in return.
You wanted better for me,
than I was giving myself.
You gave me butterflies.

No one has done that for me
No one has cared about me like that
Ingrid Ohls Feb 2017
No matter what is I have done or what I do,
You will not leave my thoughts.
No matter how many different ways I try to tell myself you are no good.
There you are, in the back of my mind 24/7.
I want to forget about you, cause I doubt you don't feel the same.
You easily wander off without me,
with different girls, in different cities
Who insult me and try to make me a joke.
Like a silly teenager I still miss you, still want you close.
I still want to kiss you, still want you inside of me.
I am trying to forget you, I am trying very hard
Yet I can't.
So I sit here desperately wishing you will care about me.
The way I care about you.
You told me you loved me the one morning as you drifted off to sleep.
I  wish you had meant that.
You leave me so confused and I am not sure what I feel.
Although  I am certain I don't want to let you go.
I am certain I could turn out to be the most loyal girl.
The kind of girl you deserve and you need.
Is it too much to ask the stars above to just let you feel the way I do?
Ingrid Ohls Oct 2017
Something as simple as refolding your sweater.
Pulling the grey fabric close to my chin.
When I put my cheek right up to that sweater,
I can feel it all.
Every single hug you ever gave me.
It breaks me down,
I have to take a break from reality
Escaping to a quiet, private room.
I sit down and I can feel.
You in this moment are here, so incredibly close to me,
In this moment I want to give you a million missed hugs.
There is so much I want to talk to you about.
So many things I want to ask you.
So many memories that you would have loved to be there for dad.
I wish I could have seen the look on your face,
At the end of Azlyn’s first dance recital?
She was our perfect little show stealer.
I would love to sit with you again.
Coffee in one hand, and a smoke in the other.
We could look at each other, with the feeling of succeeding.
While we smile the most genuine smiles
While we are filled with pride.
Staring at that amazing work of art,
That I can’t believe is my first baby girl.
She was your everything,
Please know Dad, you loved her well.
I am glad she saw papa, that she had you in her life.
The dad I remember, the amazing one with MS
That wasn’t quite so sick, wasn’t losing his strength.
That I didn’t have to help you with things.
Things you wanted to do, but you couldn’t anymore.
I am glad to know you trusted me more than anybody else,
After yourself.

I hold the sweater to my cheek and I close my eyes again.
I see my dad’s shoulders shaking, holding in a laugh.
When he knows the hilarious ending to a joke and no one else does.
I can see him once again ordering 56 pies individually delivered to his truck.  
On Saturday afternoons, while we sit out back.
Playing in the water,
Then I make you play market with me.
We **** some snails, as you laugh at me
I am in a flower girl dress from my cousins wedding.
I see us on saturday mornings at 5 am,
Watching rockin rhymes fairytales.
It was the only time the show was on.
I watched a taped one once, instantly hooked.
Then you spent the week reviewing the entire week
using the tv guide.
You found it for me.
You were so excited to tell me,
That I could watch my favourite show,
I loved our Saturdays together Dad.
We would watch the show,
Then listen to the radio show.
That would have the cartoon trivia call in contest.
Dad, you always knew the answer and we won
So many things, one sticks out the most.

We won tickets to Canada’s Wonderland.
I wanted to go so bad, I had never been anywhere like that.
Rides, actual roller coasters, a water park.
In places like that though, you would be stuck.
You would be left out just because of something as simple as a door frame.
But you were there, watching me
Maybe not the best view,
Probably not the way either of us wanted it.
But you were there dad watching me.

So when I held your sweater tonight I knew.
You are still watching me Dad,
With love and care in your heart.
It may not be the seat you wanted to have.
I know I wish that it wasn’t this way.
4 years after you died.
Folding a large grey woolen sweater tonight.
I felt you there with me, I got a hug from you.
I cried and you were there with me.
For the first time in four years I felt whole again.
Safe
Special.
Like I had a family again.
Someone believed in me,
Appreciated who I was just the way I am.
I love you Dad, and thank you for being in my life.
It was great seeing you again Dad,
Seeing your face again,
Hearing your voice,
Comforting my anxiety.
I was reminded that you are always watching me.
Just not from the ideal seat.
But then again it never was.
Ingrid Ohls Jul 2017
Only cause you want me to,
I will move on and find someone new.  
Only cause you want to,
I will forget the sound of your voice.  
I will forget how you could make me smile and smile again on my own.  
Cause you don't want to make me smile anymore.  
I don't want you to just be a memory,
but cause you want me to
I'll leave you behind.  
And one day down the road,
we will see each other and smile awkwardly at one another.  
You will be with someone new and I will be too.  We will look back at each other as we walk away
I will wish I was her and you will wish you were him.  
Then we will both remember that you got what you asked for
We will carry on as some forgotten memories, and some old cute pictures of you and I.  
We will just be a thing of the past.  
Cause you wanted me to.

— The End —