I'm polluted with thoughts I don't feel comfortable thinking. I'm searching for an on and off switch, constantly, but I still haven't figured out why the world looks so different when I don't take my medicine so it's hard to imagine cutting my own circulation.
I am a figure of irrationality.
I counteract myself more times than I can count on a daily basis yet math has always been my strong suit. I like right or wrong answers, it's easier when there is no room to debate, but I like to argue more than I like to talk, ask any of my ex-girlfriends.
A guy I knew from high school shot himself in the head on top of a hill behind his parents house on my 20th birthday, for days I only thought about the look on his brothers face when he found the body. everybody described him in different ways, but my only real memory of him was the time I got drunk with him for the first time and I ended up running off a 6 foot wall, I don't have feeling in part of my leg because but for some reason I still wish I could hear his final thoughts plugged into my aux chord in my car so I could listen to them on my way to work and attempt to decipher,
I only want to understand.
Understanding always makes it hurt less but I think that's just because I make excuses for people in order to make myself feel okay.
I learned really early to play dead. It quickly progressed to avoiding mostly everything and using my newfound skill to become invisible. It's all just so morbid now. I talk a lot and smile a lot and enjoy life way too much for somebody who has these thoughts but one of them is surface level; I'm not sure which, I'm sure one day I will though. It's not my place to think or feel any of this, I have no right to reach out to people, but I still firmly believe that I am the owner of all my experiences. I miss feeling nostalgic. I don't care about the past anymore and it's only making me homesick for the times I spent swallowing the noise. It's just so ******* quiet now.

Why did he do that? How did it get so bad?

there's a part you will never be able to touch
whether you shrink yourself down to the size
of a quarter and jump into her back pocket
whether you beg and plead and stomp
and cry and demand to understand what I
have that you don't, you never will

it isn't love or effort or commitment
it's responsibility and dependence and
the cruelty of saying you'll never leave.
and then there was me
trying to make the blood stop gushing
slapping her face with a force I'm not proud of
trying to get her to stay awake long
enough to regain consciousness
memories of somersaulting down stairways
and the look in her eye before I saw fists

it's the middle of the night
and I won't rest until I get
the chance to change everything
and jump into another body
I've got chlorine in my hair
I've got scars on my skin
I'm only trying to keep my
head above all this water
the end means I stop looking back
you know how skies look different
when you're at a ****** gas station?
I think that's kind of the same as how
your love always seemed sweeter
when it was nearly killing me

I don't know when enough is enough
giving up is something I never learned to do
and my expiration date was marked
for the minute she took her call
I knew that then and I still do now
I see clearer now than I ever have before
but I look around and I wonder
what it's like to be found
or at least ******* seen, pathetic

I almost got to touch her, once or twice
but I just laid in her sheets and wondered
if I did it now, if it'd hurt worse later
if I do this now, if I put it into words
will it still hurt me in the morning?
I'll never find an easier way to let you
in on what the inside of my body looks
like than by telling you that I still
cry for a girl I never even touched
I'm not sure you know what I mean by that

do you know what it's like
to always want more?
a blessing and a curse
my body is moving
but my soul is stuck
hidden behind my actions
that speak unfortunately
louder than these words
there's always something
blocking my view-
the sun waking me up
the drive taking too long
my love being too strong
do you know what it's like
to never have enough?
I'm scared I'll get to the top
and keep pushing for more
I'll be on top of the world
with no way to breathe
no people to see
nothing left to beat
I'll be on top of the world
screaming at the milky way
"come, take a ******* piece of me!"
the sun will burn my skin
I'll have five thousand freckles
and heat stroke year round
do you know what it's like to
want so much but have
no idea where to start?
at this point my words
have to start doing more
this thought can't just count
I'm trying to prove to myself
the only way up
is to bring myself down
do you know what it's like
to knock yourself off?
I want to be humbled
and then empowered
these days
can not
will not
last forever