he says we're all made of stars
and sitting there, meeting your eye
i could not agree more
because i have never,
not ever
seen anyone shine as bright as you.
-a.c.b

i look at you and wonder
how anyone ever thought it was okay
to let you think
you deserve anything less than
the world.

it came up behind you out of nowhere;
one day you were sitting there,
laughing with your friends under a tangerine sky
and now
you're wondering when, exactly, everything got so grey
and why you're no longer excited for your future
and why you no longer like to make eye contact in the mirror
and why you gravitate
towards all things
a little broken.
i know why...
you see yourself in them.
-a.c.b

Nimbostratus clouds overcast
Overcast tears
Crying, crying all day, all night
Sad girl
Bad girl
Dead to the world
Done with death itself

Staring into the blue and black sky
Reminds me of my stained skin
Reminds me of the palette I use to paint
Nothing is the same
Nothing is getting better
Staring staring staring

Digital phone calls
In real life conversations
**** Bill Volume Two
Better than my life

So I sit in the parlor
Eat my skin
Dance in the rain outside
Let my body bleed
Let the rain poison my blood
My heart will **** me anyway

Watch it all play out
None of this is really true
It's all inside my head
It's all just make believe

Because you see
I'm sick
I'm really sick
I have been since the day
Mom pushed me out
I've got daydream fever
And this world is not my own

6 yrs old i was playing the bathtub with my mermaid dolls & wall crayons, waiting for my mom to come wash me like she always did
she would soap my hair up two feet tall and make it flop over,i'd get soap in my eyes & cry cry cry
crybaby that's all i every did was cry
dad would scream "make that baby shut the hell up or i will"
,i hated thebelt
so,i learned i learned to **** it up & be a good girl

16 yrs old daddy doesn't spend anytime with me
yells at me & tells me to get overmyself "i pay everything for u,i work so u can eat and be under a ******* roof"
the tears are choked back and god id wish hed just ******* choke me

nighttime howls throughout the house
the floor creaks underneath my small feet
i wander from our bedroom
down the hallway
my eyes drooping because i am so exhausted
i've barely slept in weeks
"kelsey what are you doing?" he asks
my voice is caged in my throat, i do not answer
instead i show him

i begin to dance, my nightgown flowing
around me like a wisp
he laughs a belly laugh and begins
to dance with me
we dance together in the moonlight
our bodies collective
i do not know where i end
and he begins

the moment ends
almost as soon as it starts.

"you kids get to bed
i'm tired"
his grumpy grandfather scolds
as politely as he can;
he smiles warmly at me
"kelsey i need to talk to you
for a moment"
a moment
a moment that would last more
than a moment
it would feel like
infinity

teddy goes back to the bedroom
leaving me vulnerable
i feel like a million eyes are on me
he does no talking
instead he shows me.

he shows me what he wants
to tell me.

large hands ***** my
fragile limbs.

"shhh"

he is gentle
too gentle.

it feels almost natural
and surreal.

he shows me what
words fail to tell.

my mouth utters
"no no no"
over and over and
                    over and over and over.

it
does
not
stop
until
he
is
finished.