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7d · 81
social situation
side conversation
disinterest is blatant
visibly deflated
trying to be patient
but i can see you hate it
though you try to fake it
you're dying to leave, face it
playing with feelings is dangerous
just put me down, i can take it
it's hard to love a heart like mine, easier to break it
but it's harder to just bid you adieu, if you never say it
7d · 21
why am i crying
for the billionth time
it's not a mystery
i wasnt suprised
disappointed and confused
and lost in the lights
every word is overwhelming
my senses are fried
you thought of me and
decided to say hi
strange to think
i still cross your mind
didn't think you'd notice me
unless i up and died
never really realized your impact on me
till you saw me cry
because i take those words you say
and bottle them up inside
every broken promise
is branded in mind
killing me softly, killing myself
killing precious time
ouch that hurts
but i tell you its gonna be alright
but i know it's fatal
and you know it's a lie
i should respect myself
and you should stop letting things by
7d · 23
i dont know what to do
i'm scared to **** it up
wanna do the right thing
but i never do enough
i'm trying to save myself
from myself
i'm hurting myself
i'm really no help
just pushing my friends away
and smiling through the pain
cry all night and sober up
sleep through every day
hoping it'll get better
knowing it will not
destined to crash
my scars are all i've got
just gotta keep my head up
tough it all out
but i feel my armor slipping
what will i do now
Dec 2019 · 45
sounding ridiculous
criticisms fly
lay it on thick
mr. i'm always right
word generator gave me lay, sounding, and criticism, how'd i do?
Dec 2019 · 29
broken broke broker
rolls up his cuffs
takes a few puffs
bourbon in ***** cups
weak though he looks tough

monotony has taken its toll
to be so young yet feel so old
silver tongues and wrists of gold
rich in misery, his soul is sold

passion vanished, duty in its place
acquiescence written all over his face
he likes to imagine he's got time to waste
but he's too far gone and tenfold disgraced
word generator gave me monotony, disgraced, and cuffs, how'd i do?
Dec 2019 · 132
lost boy
went and found somebody new
she moved on
when will you

anger won't make it better
it won't stop them
from being together

don't force yourself to bluff
you'll feel worse
than not enough

i know your heart is hurting
but your disillusion
is disconcerting

she's made you feel worthless
but loving her
was never your purpose

to love yourself before others
is more important
than securing a lover
complicit huh
i know that name
i just can't place it
what a beautiful face though
oh how nascent
i know it's coming
how do i face it
i know it'll be ******
i already taste it
if i anticipate the pain
maybe i can embrace it
still i gotta know my limits
find a way pace it
borderline torture
abusedly adjacent
i'll suffer through the waiting
find a way to be patient
i just hope you know
i see your hesitation
i hope you know i feel your doubt
and i hate it
Dec 2019 · 197
best buds
i don't wanna see you
i don't want your time
i don't need you disturbing
my peace of mind
don't want to get my hopes up
to be let down
don't ask to hang out
if i never see you around
just don't need the stress
of being your contingency
being alone is isn't optimal
but i can function independently

stop asking for my opinion
just so you can share yours
don't bring me into your battles
to settle your scores
i'm not interested
with the consequences you bring
why worry about pleasing you
when there are better things
to cherish and labor for
like learning to love myself
it's not me, it's you
it's for the good of my mental health
Dec 2019 · 38
friendly but not friends
i see you got new friends
shame this is how it ends
am i okay? well that depends
are you trying to fight with me again
or is genuine concern your intent?

don't **** with the vibes that you send
can't bring myself to love you again
can't lie, can't pretend
can't try to be your friend

needing you leaves me feeling condemned
wanting you is my constant torment
what you said is what you meant
you said that you loved me then
you say we could be close again
what you say is to fix what you bent

trying to be friendly but i'm arguing again
always on the defense
waiting for you to go with your other friends
why can't you see why this has to end?
in hell
the sin
you fostered 
you ******
hope you get
flattened by a truck
and die 
a slow death
i hope your afraid
when you draw your last breath
i hope the world
grinds you down
i dream you'll fall off a bridge
and drown
i imagine peeling
back your face
then shredding it
and throwing it in a fire place
while your raw face
it looks on 
and sees
the face of a villain
turned to ash
you better NEVER EVER ******* EVER
come back
you are repulsive
you're senile and bleak
you were never strong
you preyed on the weak
i wish you would 
just die
avoid the consequences you *****
commit suicide
do us all a favor
do yourself in
you're a useless abuser
pay for your sins
look what you've done
utter devastation 
continued this narrative
bleeding through each generation 
it stops here with me
as i break the cycle
you destroyed so many dreams
and broke so many smiles
so as your burn 
down below
i hope that you know
i smile at the
of your eyelids
burning off
and your eyeballs
no one is sad
that you're dying
will ensue
the day we are finally
without you

i hope you die the most lonely, painful, and excruciating way possible and that you know that this has been what i've wished for a long time and that you will be forgotten. 

no one loves you.

burn in hell you disgusting repulsive weak man.
Nov 2019 · 46
i used to look up to you
you were my hero
now you're the sight
at which i flinch

you tossed the match
that charred away
our bridge

ugly stupid fat
digusting pig
lying stealing *****

your words echoed in my mind
till i carved them
into my skin

are you happy now
that i've just decided 
to let you win

because with you
there is no such thing
as an argument 

only you screaming 
and "scaring" me
till i give in

since you had it
"so much worse"
my pain is null by your definition 

i'm just too weak
i'm the bane
of your existence 

sorry i was born
and ruined your life
by not keeping my heart hidden
Nov 2019 · 36
taken.. sorry ;)
if i can't have you
then that's too bad
you can try to run
but you're not that fast
hurry up break my heart
right in half

it will make what i am about to do less painful

if you love it
they say let it go
you don't love me
your eyes say so
if i can't be happy
it wont show

i hold my head high but my thoughts are hateful

i see the light
she puts in your eyes
i could be sore
or i could devise
a plan that
makes it a tie

one for one, even and able

you love her don't you
go ahead and choose her
not knowing
the ironic future
that lay ahead
for you sir

if she was never yours, it's not a betrayal

she'll never love you
i made sure of that
hope it saws
your heart in half
hope the sight of me taking her
drives you mad

seeing that look on your face is absolutely shameful
idk. guys really be playing games by talking to me n feeling another girl, then get all sad when i take their girl
Nov 2019 · 55
be normal for once
i sit here
hating my brain
for not
being the same
as everyone else

why cant i just
be normal
obey the social contract
indulge the morals
like everybody else

why why
why can't i
i want to cry
why do i
want to die
never used to
be so sad
everything just
makes me mad
everything i do is bad
save me save me
i've gone crazy
if i am not perfect
will you replace me
will you abandon me
or do you plan on staying
i'm scared to lose another friend
because i'm **** at communicating
stay please stay
i'll fix up a room
in my heart
for you
i'll try to keep it light
though i always feel blue
i'll try to
even though i'm doomed
to get attached
i get jealous too
i know that you'll run
once you see
the insecure creature
no one could ever
love the real me
i'm stupid yet conniving
i'm so ******* ugly
from the inside out
and boy does it show
every person has distanced themselves
once they've gotten to know
so i let myself go
i hide in the comfort of my empty home
as the loneliness penetrates
down to the bone
oh no no no
i feel so alone
you couldn't care less
too bad i guess
after all it's my mess
piteous at best
what did i even expect
Nov 2019 · 812
social anxiety
they say
go away
with their eyes
those looks
will always be louder
than their words
do they meet in secret
to plan my demise
or are they perfectly evil
on a whim
social situations
have never been
my strength
but this
this is not on me
is it?
heart so pure
it's white as the snow
beneath your feet

yet towering
be gentle with me

the snowflakes
that land on your eyelashes
tickle and make you blink

and when your close you eyes
i wonder how beautiful
you are when you sleep

because it would be riveting
to just sit there
as you dream

i feel my eyes trace your silhouette
i watch your chest
fascinated by the way you breathe

by existing
you are enough
to make me happy
schedule conflicts
and distance
indeed you are far far away
even though the world moves on
i won't let that change
the fact that i care
know that i'm there
as soon as you call
and if i'm not
know it's not your fault
because even when i'm busy
thoughts of you are with me
because i love and miss you dearly
so listen closely
i need you to hear me
i know the days are hard
and the nights get dark
but your thoughts are even darker
and sometimes people make it worse
and them trying to help makes it harder
because you question every decision
those tears start to blur your vision
you hate yourself for not being perfect
you feel like you cant fix anything
you tell yourself you're worthless
and when they try to say
otherwise it doesnt penetrate
you still feel shattered
if they bring it up again
you say it doesn't matter
but i want you to know
in case it doesn't show
i love you and if i didn't have you
you don't know how lost i would be
a world without your smile
wouldn't be worthwhile
i swear it from the depths of my soul
but i understand how
disappointment can take its toll
i'm sorry that i've haven't been around
and that those other people let you down
you deserve so much more
i should've done something earlier
or said this before
i'm not telling you to be okay
i can't tell you to ignore the way
your heart feels and just move on
**** anyone who tells you to ignore your feelings
they are so so wrong
we all doubt ourselves at times
it's normal, it's growth, it's alright
don't feel embarrassed for being yourself
even if it is you
comparing you to everyone else
but i will tell you
that i hate to
see you treat yourself so bad
you are so ******* amazing
i hope you know that
it hurts me to see you cry
it kills me to watch you recite
those ugly words into a mirror
when i see you post those things
i wish i could pull you near
and tell you all these things
i forget to say but always think
so here it is all laid out
you will heal and you are loved
it's okay to slow down
don't be so hard
on your poor heart
you matter and you are allowed
to feel sad
it's normal to feel doubt
and just in case you forget it again
i am your friend
you can always hunt me down
i know it gets busy
but i'm always around
and i'm rooting for you
i know you can do
those things you think you can't
just know that i trust and believe in you
and i will always try to understand
so when the chasm deepens
and your fears creep in
remember the words above
when the world gets to be too much
know that you are loved
Nov 2019 · 52
barely breathing
they tell me to stop screaming
am i thinking out loud

don't trust what i'm seeing
terrified with all of my being
to ever let it out

reel it back in
before my song traps them
a siren is cursed to be alone

i knew it would happen
just never fathomed
the way the sadness would leaden my bones

making it harder to leave
each time they trust me
though i know very well

i'm not what they need
with my deadly melodies
i just hate to be by myself
Nov 2019 · 26
worn down
bag of bones
barely getting by
one more hour
feels like it'll never pass
wasting away
wasting time
none of the good feelings
ever last
Nov 2019 · 28
beach boys
tested the waters
dipped in my toe
for me it's just
a bit too cold
but it senses my warmth
and craves to consume me
to cover every surface
make me part of it's sea
but i pull back
afraid of the sudden obsession
the ocean rages and threatens
with me not in its possession
i'm scared to leave it
because it just needs a friend
but it wants to drown me
as soon as i wade in
damaged guys amirite
can i ask for space
being afraid
to lose you
i'm just not ready
to be together
i know
that you are
i see you
i see your heart
but i can't love you
if i don't love me
don't be mad
when i tell you not to touch me
forgive me
when i back away
don't turn your passion
to hate
i know it's sensitive
i'm trying to be gentle
but no i can't just say yes
because you're temperamental
you know how hard it is
for me to hurt you
see that
i'm hurting too
this isn't fun
for me in slightest
trust me i tried
to fight it
i tried to love you
i tried to feel
but the feelings never came
it never became real
at least for me
though you are smitten
i'm just a worm
in the apple you've bitten
ruined your plans
that i never agreed to
you say that i love you
you tell me i need you
i get it
you need me
but don't blame me
acknowledge you're needy
if you never had a shot
you never really missed it
all i want
is a little bit of distance
don't hate me
is all i ask
i don't want to lose you
but i can't hold this back
just let it fade
into something less intense
will you hate me
if i just want to be friends
Nov 2019 · 37
past the ugly
i trust you
to not let me fall
so i lean into you
and just breathe

it's been a while
since i felt okay
with just being
plain old me

you cut through
the layers of anger
and self deprecation
to see what i could be

taught me that
i wasn't hard to love
but that i shouldn't expect it
to all be easy

but none of the bad stuff
is enough to erase
the beautiful irreplaceable moments
i could never leave

i use to be so mad at the world
but you brought me out of that
fixated mindset
nurturing and calming

i love you
for being there
and seeing past
all of the ugly
ogres are like onions haha
Nov 2019 · 52
charity case
you say i'm not a burden
but i see you don't want my company
don't tell me not to feel insecure
when you obviously wanna leave
i feel too uncomfortable
to stand here as you wish to be
somewhere else with somebody else
that you enjoy more than me
i get it i do
just dont make it worse
your ****** expression
contradicts your words
i feel unwanted
so why shouldn't i desert
your body language is enough
to tell me to hit the curb
but you swear that its fine
for me to hang around
finally you convince me
i ignore my doubts
sending good vibes
and trying to fit in with your crowd
still all i feel is invisible
and always get left out
what did i expect
not a welcome parade
i just thought since you promised
i wouldn't have to be afraid
but as soon as i came in
you wandered away
and relief pours over your body
after you lose my face
in the group of people
that all hate my guts
they think i'm emotional
and see you're my crutch
they laugh at me as i fall over myself
and say what a clutz
i guess i deserve it
since i trusted you so much
still it stings and it burns
they laugh as i weep
you watch and do nothing
either in agreeance or because you're weak
i should've just not showed up
or let you make me believe
that you actually wanted my friendship
when you just felt pity
Oct 2019 · 52
i'd like to have a friend
but i love
distancing myself
from every opportunity of belonging
i come across
too much
Oct 2019 · 123
broken trust
we try to talk
and it just feels off
he says sorry again  
he just feels so bad
so i tell him it's okay
but it's not

i convince him it's fine
out of sight, out of mind
his eyebrows relax
he seems visibly relieved
he goes back to talking
but i know it's a lie
Oct 2019 · 50
it's beyond the need to feel pretty
or feeling fat and ugly
it's that feeling in my gut
that says no one will ever love me
because i just feel unlovable
i feel like i could be easily replaced
nothing too special about me to miss
they're probably tired of seeing my face
it's easier to just not care
so that's what they do
why put in effort
when i'll do it for you
and there's a few who try
but it's all cluster ******
they do it for themselves
so it's not really love
they're preying on my need
to feel understood
i'm scared of those people more
because they really think they are good

oh... i just feel unlovable
i hate how uncomfortable i am in my own skin
everytime i start to forget
the self-loathing monster creeps up again
Oct 2019 · 81
(trust [fall)ing out]
it's always gonna be something with me
at least that's how it feels
why can't i get over myself
it can't possibly be that hard to heal
first i want loyalty
but that's asking too much
how dare i have expectations
who even gives a ****
then i want patience
and love and support
it's silly to think
i want for even more
i am dying to be consoled
and to look into someone's eyes
and believe them when they say i'm not horrid
rather than expecting it all to be a lie

so the world says ******* to me
for wishing with all my heart
it took the one bond i cherished
and shredded it apart

now i'm even needier
i barely even function
every memory stings
it takes an ocean of tears to numb them
the act of betrayal is so severe
i shut down on sight
i need you to be who i thought you were
i need it to be a lie
i need i need i need i need
i need to come to terms
it's all wrong, change it back
but that's just not how it works

i need an explanation
what did i do wrong
tell me what i can fix
show me how to move on
you seem fine
you dont look back
you're happy without me
you never crack
that positivity of yours
is omnipresent
i thought you would miss me
or at least regret it

i need to yell at you
i need to make you understand
how this all boils down
to me questioning who i am
am i a friend
am i the enemy
will i lash out
will i show sympathy
i don't know
i never thought it'd come to this
i trusted you
so i guess it's what i get

i need a sorry
i need to hear the catch in your voice
i need to know you didn't mean it
hear you acknowledge you made the wrong choice
but i'm afraid i'll disclose
and you won't even blink
what if you never cared
and you never needed me
the way i need you
even in this moment
i'm attached
and everybody knows it

i got my sorry
i felt it in the way you spoke
you never meant to hurt me
you never intended to ghost
but you didn't know what to say
or how to not make it worse
you look back at what you did
and you're disgusted by your words
i know you have learned better
and that gives me peace of mind
but as relieving as this is
something doesn't feel right

i stay up the whole night
rereading what you said
i cant believe it happened
i'm paralyzed in my bed
laying in a crumple
in a drying puddle of tears
the apology echoes off the walls of my mind
as i go back a couple years
and remember when we met
to when i thought you were perfect
then realizing you weren't
****** into the current
of recalling the old us
and comparing them to the new
i have changed tremendously
and i needed to learn you did too

but still when i close my eyes
i feel unstable and ugly
every little thing haunts me
i thought you could trust me
i thought i could trust you
and it's not that I don't now
i just can't shake the feeling
of self-doubt when you're around

i need a sorry
and i got it
but not forgotten
in fact i've been haunted
by that stupid conversation
i tried to rush the process of healing
i thought i was being patient
i thought I could just go back to normal
just hug you and say hi in the halls
but i feel so ugly in my skin still
and i hate to admit i think it's your fault
i thought i could trust you
i think one day i might
for now i'm gonna try
but its gonna take some time
and i know it's just a saying
and i'm not trying to burden you with guilt
but i think i'm realizing once the trust is gone
it takes a life time to rebuild
Oct 2019 · 211
in a perfect world
i wake up feeling rested
next to a person i love
who loves me back
i get out of bed
and the floor is not cold
and sunshine bleeds through the blinds
i see myself in a mirror
and love myself
i don't feel unwanted
i go to a job that i love
i see friends that
make me feel like i belong
i know life is worth living
i look forward to the next day

in a perfect world
i'd be happy
one day i pray
to make this a reality
#400 woohoo..
Oct 2019 · 52
if you're gonna be inconsistent
why even bother
what's the point in toying with me
when you've already got her
it doesn't make any sense
it'd be easier to leave it be
unless you're a sadist
and get off from torturing me
Oct 2019 · 29
i don't know what i want
come here and hold me
but if you lay a finger on me
i'll break
no one else does it the way you do
so i'm deprived
because i deny myself their comfort
i wait for yours
but your touch reminds me
and i start to spiral
i hate being vulnerable
but i let you in
i curved into your embrace
just to have you
abandon me
i need your touch
but it isn't the same
it hurts
but not in the good way anymore
Oct 2019 · 18
the lack of love killed me
i succumbed to the pain
the thought of you
makes me turn in my grave
one more shot
one more day
it didn't seem worth
deciding to wait
Oct 2019 · 37
you are my sunshine
this is my moment in the sun
the light warm on my skin
dancing across my freckled shoulders
welcoming me to play like a child again
i spin around and lay in the grass
i remember how it felt to be free
it's been a while since the world felt this big
since i could not struggle to breathe
the apricity is dangerous
as it makes me forget who i am
but i will relish in the rays
and pretend to not understand
i'm growing up to fast... 18 in a couple months
Oct 2019 · 68
easy come
easy goes
conceal the pain
before it shows
hide the marks
before he knows
for as easy as they come
they leave so slow
Oct 2019 · 34
ugly words from pretty mouths
i don't fit in with your crowd
you're better when you are alone
better when we talk on the phone
because then i don't have to see the distraction
i'm nothing important next to the main attraction
i love you i do but it's hard as hell
loving you makes me hate myself
because i don't feel like i have significance
each embrace reeks of indifference
i know part of you cares but it's not the same
as me worshipping the words that you say
i really did think
being apologized to would fix it
but even though it helped
it has done nothing for the hole
the initial act of betrayal
put in my heart
the distance hurt
but being next to you is torture
i can't stand here and be clear minded.

i wonder if you're thinking of
those things you said
or that you're thinking of
someone else instead
i mull it over in my head....
why would you say it if you didnt mean it?
if it was wrong, why repeat it
the movie in my brain is just the trauma repeated
over and over
till i go insane
i thought i could trust you
Oct 2019 · 26
the old us is gone
i stalk the halls
and fade into the crowd
trying to avoid you
and another breakdown
i can't stand to see you
it burns in my chest
i want my distance
swear it's for the best
you can have our friends
and take the easiest routes
i'll just eat lunch in the library
and figure the rest out
i just thought that it
would be all better now
but I'm sick to my stomach
whenever your around
the sorry wasn't enough
to take away the pain
the words that you said
are branded in my brain
i can never be enough
i am as bad as they come
no one should trust or love me
i wish i could go back to being numb
i wish i could go back
to knowing who you were
back when you made me feel weightless
though now it's all a blur
you told them i was a burden
shackles on your feet
i thought that it was mutual
even now i don't know what to believe
because i'm staring at you
and feeling unwanted
maybe you apologized
just because you were confronted
i did it again
i came back and let you in
everytime i let you get away with it
i let you win
and i don't think you see
the hurt you cause
i hope one day
you do and stop
because i'm looking at myself
and i hate what i see
just those couple words
seem to have broken me
i really did think being apologized would fix it, but even though it helped it has done nothing for the hole the initial act of betrayal put in my heart. the distance hurt, but being next to you is torture. i can't stand here and be clear minded. i wonder if you're thinking of those things you said. or that you're thinking of someone else instead. i mull it over in my head.... why would you say it if you didnt mean it?
Oct 2019 · 70
no one reaches out
my line stays dry
i don't reach out either
because i've already tried
nothing comes of it
it all ends as fast it starts
i'm tired of people trying to change me
i'm tired of nursing a broken heart

so i don't reach out
and neither do they
empty inboxes
haunt me all day
the messages that come
are desperate or bored
i'm dying for interaction
but i know better than before

the one time i replied
he tried to use me
to try and manipulate me
is the best way to lose me
so i ghosted him
and left him on read
turned off my phone
and went to bed


i sift through the gibberish
in search of food for thought
i am not here to make you feel better
nor to get you off

i just wish someone would hear me
my throat is raw from screaming
why is happiness so fleeting

but all they want
is for me to fill a role
either to take my virtue
or save my soul


i just want to talk to someone
and tell the truth for once
Oct 2019 · 32
tired of reaching out
tired of holding it in
tired all the ******* time
tired but i still come in
tired is written all over my face
tired is threaded through my soul
tired of breathing, of waiting, of bleeding
tired but i make my way home
tired of hurting
tired yet the pain keeps me awake
tired organs and worn out feelings
tired enough to fade away
tired tired tired tired
tired of living and crying
tired of finding new reasons
tired enough to stop trying
Oct 2019 · 697
peace of mind
don't say you don't love me
tell me you hate me instead
don't say you don't love me anymore
anything but that i beg
i don't need to hear it
to know that i fear it
we get lost in the fire sometimes
but we always clear it
if you can't tell me you love me
just say that you hate me
one might upset me
but the other will break me
Oct 2019 · 48
changing like clothes
your crowd is exclusive
your friends are rude
there are no excuses
for why the act like they do
their behavior is repulsive
how do you indulge it
your hand is covered in blood
so i will not hold it
i love you when we are alone
and you don't use some false identity
but you turn into an animal
when they're in the vicinity
i miss the old us
i miss you when you were you
but you changed
so what am i to do
Oct 2019 · 41
sixth sense
sometimes it's better to be wrong
but intuition never lies
i know i can be paranoid
i really didn't wanna be right
my imagination can take me places
i jump to conclusions all the time
but there was esomething behind your friendly smile
a coldness in your eyes

that told me to stand back
before you noticed at me
you radiate negativity
everyone sees the insecurity
it's why you lash out
and why you're so mean
i should've taken the first chance
to leave

but i let sympathy
override logic
gave you a chance
and you proved you were rotten
i shouldve trusted my gut
when it said you were toxic
instead i let you play games
till i eventually lost it

and started asking questions
with answers i already knew
all the drama
led back to you
all the lies stand out
when compared to the truth
now that they all know
what are you to do

a taste of your own medicine
you will feel the shame
i never did a ******* thing
to be treated that way
you're just bitter and insecure
so you doled out pain
thinking that bullying someone else
would make yours go away
Oct 2019 · 38
intriguing stranger
i don't know you
so i can't love you
nonetheless my mind can dream

your lips are foreign
yet i imagine
them leaving trails all over me

i barely know your name
but i hang on every syllable
as i whisper it softly

your eyes find mine
it's nothing
still all of a sudden i can't breathe

i fall too easy
i know and you can tell
swear i'm not as desperate as i seem

those fingers look like
they could break a woman
in ways i wouldn't believe

or maybe i could
and they have
the thought makes me weak

you are distracting
invading my thoughts
i wonder if you've ever noticed me
Oct 2019 · 38
tangled thoughts
and twisted sheets
muggy nights
and empty streets
running around
like juveniles
we know better
but we stay for a while
and have our stolen kisses
in the dead of night
using up our
borrowed time
we know it'll be short
so we try to keep it sweet
we let ourselves get lost
in the heat of things
why slow down
when the end is so close
only the stars and the sidewalk
have to know
friends for a lifetime
lovers for a season
let's have a little fun
before it finally sinks in
teach me how to smile when ever it hurts
you mask the pain so well
help me learn to look just as calm as you
it's even hard for me to tell
that you suffer beneath that cool exterior
but i know that you do
or do you... what if you are really fine
and it's never bothered you

take me out and show me how
to pretend that i'm alright
you're so good at hiding it
the rotting inside
you laugh and you glow
no one could even guess
how do you do it
i've been such a mess

i'm getting kind of scared
that you aren't like me
that you are okay
and you aren't faking
how could you be fine
when i am broken
i miss you so much
that it's almost hopeless
Oct 2019 · 23
sticks and stones
scars on top of scars
wounds that just won't heal
it's not broken bones
so it isn't really real
i'm cut up inside
raw from your ugly words
but since you can't see it
it can't really hurt
just gotta move on
stop being a baby
i'm too sensitive
and that's why you hate me
words have always hurt me
so have stones and sticks
only you can see bruises
feelings are harder to fix
internalize the fear
pretend that it's fine
if i pass for stable
they'll let me off this time
Oct 2019 · 88
**** caring
**** trying
**** waiting
**** crying
**** being there
to get lied to
**** feeling alone
right beside you
**** dying
for you to notice
**** investing
in something so hopeless
**** the emotions
that cloud my mind
**** coming back
every single time
**** loving you
being my only purpose
**** not being enough ever
**** feeling worthless
**** being me
**** it all
**** loving you too much
to say that it's your fault
Oct 2019 · 19
two much
two years ago
when you broke my heart
i told myself i was done

i cut you off
and criticized myself
for ever being so dumb

painfully and repeatedly
told myself
i was not enough

it was the only way
to break myself out
of the unreciprocated love

two months ago
when you lied to me
and tarnished my name

i couldnt get over it
like you did
i had to pull away

you didnt acknowledge a thing
you said nothing
you continued to change

i hated you
for not caring
i felt stupid and ashamed

two days ago
it might have been
the first time

you acknowledged
some fault
and apologized

but i still feel like
i still cry at night

i thought the sorry
would fix it
would make it all alright

two hours ago
when i should've been

i realized
that even though you apologized
to me

and i thought
if you really meant it
it'd be all i need

i'm not okay
i never healed
and i don't know how to stop this bleed
Oct 2019 · 39
you leave me for
the flavor of the month
abandon a feast
to chase after a crumb
she tasted so sweet
but only for bit
the sugar coating is gone
she's just a bitter *****
you miss the way i slid down your throat
straight to the stomach
each touch so rich
it's impossible not to want it
remembering just how smooth it was
but now you've lost the power
to have your cake and eat it too
go find another to devour
Oct 2019 · 28
one day when you regret your choice and look back at how things were
the day that i'm actually moved on and shining without a care in the world
don't reach out and say you miss me and you shouldn'tve chosen that girl
over our friendship because i knew that from the second you turned
i knew the second you tasted her lips you were gonna burn
you did everything and anything to give the world to her
up to even lying to me and leaving me crying on a curb
i was broken without you and i was lonely and hurt
you were the one person i thought truly deserved
the trust i put in them though i've obviously learned
history means nothing when it comes to making it work
whoever gets you off will always have the last word
so no i would not like to pick things up or reminisce on how they were
it was good while it lasted but you left on bad terms
i have no need to reconnect or wait to reobserve
the same toxic behavior that led this to occur
Oct 2019 · 31
rag doll
a limp yet warm body
given a role to play
an object, not a person
subjected to morbid games

it used to hurt but now it's like
crashing a hearse
i'm already dead inside
it can't get any worse

learned helplessness
and a final realization
heros aren't real
deafening resignation

learned existence is pain
so harden and be numb
i don't know if i hate
the ragdoll i've become

i may not react
but at least i can't feel
if it can't touch me
it doesn't have to be real
Oct 2019 · 178
make up your mind
why is it everytime i fix one thing
another thing breaks
nice to everyone and tolerant
just gets me called fake
i'm burnt out and still going somehow
because i will stand up regardless
i'm too hard too strict too full of myself
i'm sensitive yet heartless
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