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3d · 240
i wouldn't dare
it's red never green
but its black when i can't see
when it pools in my eyes
and slides down my cheeks
the feeling so indescribably large
yet nothing but a point in the void
the only thing helping me navigate
is the faint sound of your voice
because i'm lost in nowhere
looking for a way to get somewhere that doesn't exist
at least not yet
but i still wanna look for it

heaven could be closer than i'd like to think
but i'll have to crawl through hell just to have that peace
and i don't think i have it in me
i can't afford to gamble with my last good thing

just skip me until i'm ready
3d · 27
there's so many stars up there
i wanna ask questions but i'm too scared
that you won't care
or i'll just be talking too much

too many too count but still i try
almost as many thoughts in my mind
there would never be enough time
to tell you how it really was

but when the symphony begins to play
for a moment everything feels okay
you may have dropped my hand
but i don't register the pain

i'm exploring all the ways this could go
the words i almost had crawl back down my throat
you dont need to worry about me anymore
i'll never have the answers when there's so much to know
Nov 23 · 23
simply uncivil
selfish and in denial

my understanding and patience
is not a given
yet you still feel entitled

so what if you want more
if you don't want it all
the mental vacations you go on
everytime i try to talk
about the ******* problems
you ignore because they don't affect you
i'm not here to be ignored
besides what else can i do
the second i'm inconvenient
you shut down and pull away
don't look at me like that now
you obviously wanted it this way

cause how many bridges am i supposed to rebuild
couldn't tell me when it has gone too far
you want what you want and you do what you do
even if it means breaking my heart

so buck the **** up since you're so tough
and none of it ever mattered
i'm gonna be fine just give it some time
once i'm detached from this disaster

go ahead and show me
what i'm missing and how you're so ******* amazing
i've seen enough and i lost nothing
but a person who lied in love because they thought they could replace me
Nov 23 · 270
fundamentally speaking
youre not wrong
you're just not gonna be right in the end

i understand what you're thinking
but its just not that simple
the regret'll eventually set in

destroying myself
for a little bit of comfort
it's fun for whatever that's worth

know i'm choosing hell
in a couple months i'll be chewed up
for now i'm not concerned
Nov 23 · 26
if i had you
i wouldn't need anybody else
but you won't take me
so now i've gotta fend for myself
looking into me
and turning over once you're done
seeing what you wanna see
no longer interested whatever it was
don't want to assume the worst
and i'm not trying to be scummy
but you can only make me feel so stupid
and take so much from me
before i can't be as patient and kind
as i really wanna be
i just wanna be treated like a person
it's not even that deep
Nov 23 · 35
get off of me
am i toxic
or am i right
that's how you like it
when i put up a fight

but i don't want to be right
i want to be alive
Nov 23 · 31
it's misplaced hatred
but blame me if you want
i couldn't be the idea of the person
you wanted to believe in so bad

dont't worry though
you let me know it too
how i was the worst
because i couldn't love you back

in the same way
i still care even now
but that doesn't matter
and i don't know if i will ever reach forgiveness

all i can hope
is that you learn to find happiness
in yourself and not rely on others
to be the cure of your human sickness

i didn't know who i was
but you wanted me to be your everything
i was always gonna fail
because it's impossible to fulfill such fantasy
for years i doubted my decisions
because i felt horrible for not being who you needed
your selfishness no longer has its hooks in me
still even now i'm fighting your demons

tell me how the **** is that fair
Nov 15 · 765
lesson learned
**** the blood off my teeth
i let myself get this weak
slithered through the gapes
bit down as soon as it was safe
waited till i was comfortable
at my most vulnerable
you knew i wouldn't survive
but if it makes you feel alive
there is nothing you wouldn't do
Nov 15 · 50
answer. the. question.
satan was his favorite angel
and he still let him fall
don't wanna assume the worst for you
but something about this feels wrong
why wouldn't you hurt me is a question
i hate to ask but i hear in the back of my mind
everytime you linger just a bit longer
and try to stare into my eyes
so what if you want more
if you don't want it all
don't wanna invest the last of my trust
if you're gonna just drop the ball
this is a lot for me and a lot to me
sorting through emotions
definitions and technicalities
seem like such commotion
why can't we just try to give the other
what they ask without thinking too much
but expecting you to be as thoughtful as me
is asking too much

i just wanna make you feel good
what are you trying to do to me
Nov 15 · 45
you know they say love is blind
all your red flags up on display
with thousands of views
you ****** with my head
now i feel so alone and used

you said you wanted me
you lied through your teeth
you said you wanted me
that you would never leave
and now i'm left here so ******* confused

look at all my insecurities
now on display for the world to see
you made me feel useless
left to clean up this mess
once again

you said you wanted me
you lied through your **** teeth
you said you wanted me
that you would never leave
look at me sitting here struggling to breathe

i told you how i felt
you still show no remorse or guilt
still no response
no spontaneous admission of love
that i wish your heart felt
look at me picking up my pieces once again
the distance ruined what could have been

red flags that were somehow not seen
when you said you wanted me
when you promised to never leave
you lied through your **** teeth
and you know it

trusted you with with my insecurities
thought we were sharing vulnerability
now as i struggle to breathe
it's out in the open for all to see
and you condone it

you control it
if you feel guilty
you don't show it
facade never cracks
not for a moment

i should've known it
with most of these feelings
i've outgrown them
nonetheless i'm here
but i don't wanna own it

i told you how i felt
still no response, still no guilt, no remorse
no attempts at reaching out from your end

no spontaneous admission of love
look at me picking up my pieces once again
the distance ruined what could have been
Nov 7 · 51
blue spilling out across my mind
it was easy enough to find
swallowed by the memory
called it too close to get out fine
without scraping the sides
and burning myself alive
with the feelings i still have
running back into the fire
it's not fair to my heart
but i have to try
i know you don't care anymore
but these memories are also still mine
Nov 7 · 55
dunes on the cape
that pocket of reality
where you still want me
is where my brain idles when i finally get a break

it's counterproductive
but it helps me function
despite all of the excuses i continue to make

no you never promised
and if i'm being honest
i suffocate in all the things you would never say

it's that fact that you can lie
and i just have to let it slide
because you owe me nothing even if i don't like it that way

and what's one more crime
circle around the block another time
collateral of the path of destruction left in your wake

it's easy to be dumb
but now i'm harder than i was
and one day i won't even care about this pain

or at least i hope
Nov 7 · 46
i swear to god
i swear to ******* god
oh god what have i done

the manifestation
my rotten imagination
think i'm gonna throw up

you dont understand
how such thoughts can
break someone down to nothing

i'm not strong enough for this
i'm too tired to throw a fit
just keep finding things to take from me

and you giggle as i mourn
its okay if it get broken
as long as it's not yours
i didn't ask to be born
i didn't want it to come to this
but we're here whether or not we like it
but you make it impossible
for me to live
because you ruin everything i'm still living for
Oct 27 · 49
you had me there
for a second
i cared
but now it's cold
where it used to be warm

catered to a part
of me and it almost
fooled my heart
but i let go
before you could do more

where do you come off
thinking you can be like this to me
loneliness can cause delusions
but i'm not that desperate

have had quite a few
realizations after
crossing paths with you
it's okay that i cared
it was just for a second

one moment of weakness
that's all you'll ever be
if i'm nothing that's alright
whatever you make of me
i'm everything you said
the insults don't pack that same punch
when i know you'll always believe
whatever keeps you emotionally numb
are all those selfish reasons you live for
gonna be worth it when
everyone's left and you're broken again
tell me who's gonna save you then
Oct 24 · 234
i'm trying to understand
be patient with me
really outdid yourself this time

can't reach far enough
to jump to the conclusions
that would make any of this alright

wrong names and tiring games
changing your mind
in the middle of the night

the universe
just really wanted me to know
that the only thing i can get from someone like you is a pretty lie

and short-lived one at that
can't even keep the ruse up
long enough for me be hypnotized

letting the anesthesia wear off
before you bleed me dry
cause you get pleasure from watching the last of my hope die
Oct 24 · 45
past discretions
burned-in sights
carnal pleasures
easy fights
you picked on me
cause you knew that i

would crumble beneath
your lightest touch
like teasing incessantly
and taking too much
my softest intentions
crumpled up
Oct 23 · 39
this is hard
harder than i thought
parts of me want it to work
but i feel like it will not
the balance between
needs and dreams
close enough to touch
yet too unavailable to keep
something has gotta give
can't you just make up your mind
i'm not really asking for a lot
to just know where you've drawn the line
cause i'll be needy if i'm honest
i'll be wrong if i push too far
and cold if i walk away
and embarrassed as **** when you break my heart
it's a lot of ins and outs
yet no solutions reveal themselves
i'm not asking to box you in a corner
i just want you to be true to yourself
just a icky sticky situation
i wish you'd do more if you aren't gonna leave
cause this halfway caring and broken conversation ****
is the worst kind of thing you could do to me

because i don't know what i'm doing
and i don't wanna be the girl
you laugh at with your friends
looking stupid waiting on a half truth
that means more to me
than it does to you
Oct 19 · 54
picking the flowers on the edge of my dress
pretending i'm not nervous
everyone sees what they want to
feeling lopsided and missing curfew
wanna leave before they try to find me
but why should i be the one hiding
when all i ever did was be myself
and i still don't understand why that bothered anyone else
i'll just keep sinking into the bleachers
as kids sneak drinks past teachers
knowing i'm never gonna be one of them
remembering when we used to be friends
and understanding that doesn't matter now
i'm tired and regretting ever coming out
Oct 19 · 51
one night
why don't you say it again
say it again
or are you scared
why won't you say it again
we can't stay friends
said you never cared
words can break someone
Oct 19 · 39
it was just right here
burnt the **** out
can't even worry about
those things i swore i couldn't forget
are distant from me now
but pain fades away slow
and while the physical sensation goes
the psychic damage lingers
and i remain haunted by what i know
i'm stuck in this place that reminds me
of all the worst moments of my life
too helpless to do good for myself
and too exhausted to make things right
i can't tell what's worse
caring too much or not being able to care
i would be more than happy to help you out
if i even had the heart to spare
where did it go?
Oct 19 · 43
you ruined it for me
maybe i feel used
because i was used
maybe it hurts so much
cause i would never do that to you
i try to make sense
but i know that it's *******
don't come around me after this
asking for forgiveness

you ruined everything
i hope you're happy
Oct 14 · 181
beauty for a price
i wanted
to make it
but i fell just shy
much shy
too high
to buy
your love
but mine
is here
if you'd like
for now
i'll just die
as another
catches your eye
i'm nothing
if i'm not fine
i'm nothing
when your not mine
Oct 14 · 76
close it softly
some things don't change
my nightly pain
you never came
here i wait

bed unmade
woke up late
midnight games
rotting my brain

i used to think and feel and know
now all i do is lay and loathe
at 3 am alone and cold
fantasies of my favorite ghost

am i the only one that hopes
do you understand how deep this goes
can you feel the pressure when i get close
when you're stepping over the pile of our clothes

and when you're closing the door do you turn back around
or do you just keep fleeing without making a sound
it's a little too late to spare me now
just stay in the safe space and placate my doubts

and try to leave again once i'm finally out
don't try to make it better by hanging around
you just make it worse when you won't put me down
if you don't care then don't care and get out of my house

i don't need any more false hope
Oct 14 · 255
getting that one last word in
before the door gets slammed
ignoring boundaries
crushing hands
spitting on my shirt
contorting to rage
i know the signs
i read your face
hours of interrogation
my answers don't change
i understand where you're coming from
but i still feel the same
Oct 14 · 57
caught in the cross section of a thousand thoughts
hate me when i'm here and blame me when i'm not
always giving input never thinking to stop
and realize it's not your job
to decide what is good for me and tell me what to do
never will i ever have to go through you
to decide what is best for me which isn't even news
i am gonna do whatever i was gonna and want to do
Oct 14 · 73
angel fontaine
never letting us be real
calloused hands on a fragile heart
just wanted to see how it would feel
now i lie in a pool of my own humanity
gasping on a lie
black holes staring to the sky
learning that this is the part where i die
because to love you meant to
love myself
you dont want me
and it ruins my mental health
putting it all down
all for naught
saying it's okay
when it's clearly not
just touch me and burn me
and take me with
if you're gonna leave me for dead
give me one last kiss
i'll never forgive myself
i could never blame you
just bleeding waiting dissociating
what you're just not willing to do
if only you cared if only i didn't
pining for a lonely death it seems
in the end i'll get what i asked for won't i
to love but not be loved is misery
do you ever
just remember
everything you've ever done

sitting there
fully aware
and slowly becoming numb

past is frozen
heart stays broken
can't change what you already did

hoping to heal
despite how devastated you feel
like one day you might learn how to cope with it

if only you're so lucky
but how fortunate can you be
haunted by all the poor decisions
you made before you could see
their implications and consequences
now you face the terms of the sentence
you unknowingly received
yet you're to remain indifferent
pretend it doesn't hurt you when
you'll never trust yourself again
the architect of you own destruction
nostalgia your only friend
Oct 5 · 81
you'll wake the baby
hush for just a second
i'm trying to remember every promise i've ever made
and if doing this would hurt
too much or the ones i love or make it all okay
whispers say to do it
before i lose another thing i can't replace
wondering how could one sleep
when they never feel safe
i just wanted one thing
well maybe more but nothing insane
just the ones i love to be happy
and not being so worried about tomorrow i can't enjoy today
but everything i've loved
has gotten snatched away

i don't listen but i hear
all the awful things my own mind says
Oct 1 · 92
checkers chess
but a thread in the rope
yet you still choke
it's not on me though
everyone gloats
if thats what you have to say
to feel okay
to deal with the shame
be that way
having an empty heart
and covering scars
won't get you far
but thats the game sweetheart
Oct 1 · 231
baring the truth
judging me
for the scars you can see
but the nastiest mark of them all
is not some physical flaw
you could laugh at with your friends
or pinch at on my skin
living breathing being shame
never taught to be another way
guilty for existing that's my bad
they'll make sure i know of that
little whispers poke
but they're just a thread in the rope
i don't even feel anymore i think
i survived but did i really
Oct 1 · 61
even scale
staring knowing i'm useless
running through options
maybe if i check one more time
reality might have changed

but you're bleeding profusely
and i can't find a way to stop it
always shooting for another try
in a losing game

watching feeling like a sad excuse
if i can't save you
what can i do

waiting hoping good things will come
soon enough
before you succumb

just want you to be happy
willing to sacrifice these objects
and give you the care i can
but objects are few yet needed

if you would have me
with my intentions and regrets
and help me understand
why you're so ceded

not trying to poke
or defile your throne
only wish to know

you remind me
of all the good things
i am usually to distracted to see

and i just wanna give you the same thing
Sep 26 · 76
god bless
strangers indifferent
to the others existence
brought you together
regret that decision
you forget who i was
pick at who i am
push me to the edge
off making 'better friends'
made for each other
all the toxicities align
better you block you own opportunities
than keep ******* with mine
Sep 20 · 56
i knew not what i'd done
more concerned with little issues
that never mattered as much as you
and i know that now
but then i was stupid
led by and for amusement
tangled in pointless idiotic webs
instead of focusing on the real things
the people and memories that made me me
Sep 20 · 93
ruined a good thing
jagged illustrations
silent film
oft fulfilled
split decisions
we just don't grasp
their lasting effects
coupled with the weight of the past
getting ahead of ourselves
or is it just me
simples pleasures spoilt
cause i can't not overthink
stain won't lift
let it sit
for too long
and now it's stuck

you wanted to win
but you wouldn't give in
you couldn't be wrong
now you're **** out of luck

it's getting bad again
memories bubbling under skin
can't always be strong
especially if you give a ****
searching for purpose
in places that make no sense
only reached out
cause you're ****** up again
only want me
cause i'm a safe option
love the version of me in your head
not who i actually am
projecting your esteem issues
to soothe insecurity
i want to help
but i'm not gonna let you decide for me
what you really want
isn't my company
you want acceptance and affection
that i can't give you comfortably
Sep 3 · 46
no backtrack
said it was nice to hear my voice
if only just for a couple seconds
but you also said you wouldn't let secrets ruin us
and you still let them
so it's hard to feel happy in the moment
or when i remember the obsession
you got to leave and be okay
while i sunk into depression
you'll never know what it's like
on the other side of rejection
it's a whole lot sadder than missing someone
you decided to abandon
and a whole lot harder than
getting lonely enough to send a message
you knew what you were doing
when you came this direction
lucky enough to feel hope
but it's so misdirected

that it's kinda sad
you should go back
and i'll pretend this didn't happen
because we can't go back
why don't you know that
you can't always be the exception
and when you were
you let it burn
so don't miss what you ****** up
'but it really really hurts'
but that's what you felt i deserved
how it feels to be so unworthy of love
Sep 3 · 62
i'm afraid of me too
just because i have issues maintaining my boundaries
didn't mean i needed to treat people like ****
in the moment i felt cornered
so i overcorrected and when
i veer into that territory
of fighting invisible enemies
i let the negativity
get the best of me
i'm sorry i spoke to you like that
i didn't want to it just happened
that's me being honest
not defending my actions
i wanna promise i won't do it again
but i don't wanna lie you see
if you stay i'll try my best
but i understand if you choose to leave
Sep 3 · 74
actually i know
they say don't smile in your mugshot
but i regret not a thing i did
people like him
deserve what they get
i didnt even mean to
but i'm not mad it happened
and if that's a sin
i think i could live with it
maybe might have broke your heart
jury says guilty as charged
but did you ever care for me
or did you just want company
did i really break your heart
or were you already scarred
you put that pain on me
cause you refuse to see

what she took from you
no one can replace
staring through me
to see her face
you never loved me
i just felt safe
don't hate me for not wanting
to fill her place

**** talking with your group of friends
it's always bittersweet by the end
swear i'll regret leaving
still asking to see me
keep knocking but i won't let you in
keep complaining to all of them
you're the synonym for needy
is this what you call grieving

sorry that she took your love
so all you have is hate
sorry i couldn't live
being second place
you hurt me too
but we only acknowledge your pain
tell them what i did
plead your losing case
Sep 3 · 40
i've been crying myself to sleep every other night
when i'm not falling apart it's kinda nice
doing what you did you had no right
but thats cool it's what it is have a nice life

no more fighting to prove
how much i love you
just to be disposed of
when i'm not bending backwards to make you happy

i'm not gonna fight
with you the fiftieth time
meant all that ****
not gonna half myself for you to have me

***** that it took all this for me to know
you never had good intentions like i'd hoped
saw my optimism and reached for your rope
that's cold blooded ****** but you like it when i choke

no more lying to feel okay
or waiting for you to change
if you were gonna
you'd already be a better person and you're not

it's really kind of stupid
i begged you to do this
but i know better now
but will you listen when i ask you to stop
Sep 3 · 75
rain boots
no more waiting
on you to change
it's like staring at the sun
until it rains
what if it never does
and when it does what will i do
a couple burned retinas
and water in my shoes
no more waiting
on you to be better
it's like asking a tree
how's the weather
no reply
and if it did i'd lose my ****
and i've already lost enough
let's not be friends

no more thinking
you'll treat me right
no more crying
to sleep every night
no more watching
shrinking headlights
no longer welcome
this is goodbye
Sep 3 · 284
i haven't felt a thing
for the past five years
i know that's exaggerating
but while you're still here
i'm gonna take advantage
of the rush you bring
it can only be so good
but that is enough for me
Aug 21 · 43
tally marks
it's the easy decisions
slight of hand
blurry intentions
you don't trust this man
he may be kind and sweet
and hold a door or two
tiny little things
to get to you
waiting until you're fading
to step up to the plate
barely know what you're saying
but you know you said okay
so if anything happens
it's all on you for trusting that
he would be a good friend
and just turn you off your back
oh goodness oh mercy oh **** oh god
pulling away from the memory physically
nerves firing at the thought
remembering so awfully vividly
Aug 21 · 43
morning after
no no no
this isn't what i meant
this isn't what i wanted
this can't be how it ends
pulling away from a touch
that's no longer there
it's an ugly ugly feeling
but nobody cares
make it make it stop
and wash it away
hot water does no good
nor the tears on my face
it's so uncomfortable
to think about things that could've happened
i'm just tired and unsure
holding in my reaction
because i can't mourn
while i lie in the crime scene
just another ****** situation
they always find me
Aug 21 · 50
the things i'd do
no more
hands under shirts
sliding inside *******
wandering places
you don't belong
and can't be
i'm not even here
i'm too far gone
to be able to say what i mean
you push against my back
and try to let me know
how much you think you want me
i don't know how to feel
in the morning
everyone's still so charged
but i'm happy everyone's happy
even though this prickly feeling
has settled right here in my heart
Aug 17 · 29
pipe down
time flies when i don't think of you
but now i'm frozen in your arms
knowing you don't love me back
and all you mean is harm
you are a stupid boy with no love to give
but i want you despite knowing better
i keep falling asleep smiling
imagining us being together

how silly how stupid how childish how strange
you'll never look at me the same
you respond every couple days
indifference drives me insane

and i wait by my phone
expecting no answer
conversations drier
than the mojave desert
screaming in my head
this is never gonna work
bracing with each step
knowing this is gonna hurt

maybe i just like the pain
why do i see you this way
what is it you have they say
something i just can not claim

and i don't even care
but i'm just wound up
replaying the sting
of your friendly touch
goodbye and sweet dreams
catching another ride
everybody left
but i am still parked outside

all the time to waste
not really but i stall anyways
it's dark but this parking space
is enough to help me feel okay

you all go home
i sit and think
what is it
about me
that isn't good
enough for you
even though i just went out
to have something to do

what even was today
what are these choices that i made
shake it off and play it safe
overcorrections for deliberate mistakes
Aug 17 · 42
clock out the window
hold me up
i'm slipping out
you're not even real
i'm no where near sound
of mind but i'm trying
to survive at least
with thoughts and dreams
distancing reality
because in theory
the fall wouldn't be so bad
but touch just feels icky
and i'm always too sad
it's comforting to hope
one day i'll function fine
just consumed by fantasies
in the meantime
Aug 14 · 53
coin fountain
frustratingly vague
uncomfortably intense
staying up everynight
going over it again and again
how does this make me feel
why does it make me act this way
who do i wanna be
is this the right decision to make
how will i be tomorrow
am i proud of who i was today
the past does but doesn't define me
what even is the change i wanna make
am i apologizing to be nice
or do i really regret what i did
am i just so scared to be alone
i call you a friend
shattering glass in a hall of mirrors
self constructed labyrinth of confusion
looking to myself not recognizing what i see
is it love or a fleeting delusion
do i want it to work out
was i hoping for the end since we met
deep down i can't feel myself
washed right over by questions i'll regret
seeing things in ways i didn't need to
just ask myself are you sure
when no one else cares and it swallows me easily
another rock in the pile and i just keep throwing more
until i'm on top of the mountain looking down
got so high so fast and it scares me
i'll make it down eventually
and even then barely
wonder if one day i'll go too far
and i will forget where i'm from and who i am
is this making any sense just trying to gather my wits
no one ever understands
Aug 14 · 37
shame shame shame
the nerve
to walk away
and be clean of
the mess you made
what else
could it be now
silence laughs
where it used to be loud
i'm more tired than you are
of the back and forth
can't even put on a front
if you don't like the way it is
don't look to me
your choices led to this
now no one is happy
ruffled and displaced
no more words or talking please
no need to plead your case
no one is innocent
especially you
it just hurt that you ****** with me
even though you knew
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